Just need to get this out...

[delicatepuzzle]

/heard by people I don't know (well you know what I mean). No need to respond, but if you feel like you need to, please express any opinions you may have, good bad mean nice disgusted.

Please do not be overly concerned about any of my thoughts, they are just that ... THOUGHTS.

Why isn't it ok for people to take their own life? It is theirs right? Why should you have to suffer just because you know that your loved ones will "miss" you/be "hurt" by ur actions. Let me explain ...

Oct. 6th 2001 was a day I wish over and over I could rewind back to. If my daddy were still alive, my life would be so different. I wouldn't of become a person plagued with eating disorders, therapy, mental illness, medications, doctors bills, psychiatrist bills, script bills, and now ... no insurance meaning ... no more meds ... meaning the opening of the flood gates that all that crap (meds, therapy, crazy doctor talk, etc.) held back. I have been handling myself pretty well since my recovery from anorexia and bulimia nervosa back in 2007. Well that's when I was a "healthy" weight and eating "normal". I will forever be plagued with thoughts of self-harm (fasting, purging, cutting, burning, punching etc.) and only occasionally act upon them. Not to say that any of this is my dad's fault, I can only make choices for myself. But if I had just heard him call my name, if I had just called 911 right away, if I had just gone in the ambulance with him. I could of helped him, I could of gotten help for him sooner. HE WOULD STILL BE ALIVE. And yes, his death is my fault! After all the therapy and crap (yes I've tapered myself off all of it, I have nothing else to say. Plus I just can't afford it) I can't help but think that all of it has just suppressed my thoughts instead of actually dealing with it. Why should I have to suffer with all this? Or maybe a little less drastic ..

Why isn't it ok for people to cut themselves or purge or whatever? But its ok smoke? It's the same concept! Either puts you at risk of dying. Or what about extreme piercing/tattooing, people do it for the endorphins/to make themselves feel better. Self-injuring is the same concept. The sight of blood is calming, the feeling of physical pain heals the emotional pain. Owning a gun, driving a car, smoking, eating fast food, is all "self-harm"! Why is it that somethings are socially acceptable and others aren't!!?!?!?!!?

Yes, mentally I am having a relapse! Yes, I am trying my best not to relapse to the full extent. NO, I do not plan on severely harming myself in socially unacceptable ways. This is just a healthy way for me to release these thoughts, and getting feedback. If anyone has any low cost/free on how to get my meds (zoloft), I'd love to hear some suggestions.

If this is not allowed, PLEASE delete it, Thank you admin!

[QuickSilver]

Sent you a PM. I really hope you feel better soon.

[RoscoesMommy42]

I am so sorry you are going through this. Life can be so tough sometimes and it is not always easy to stay strong through it all. I do believe everyone has a purpose in life and if we focus on figuring out what that purpose is, it can really help us be more positive people. I take Zoloft also, but with my insurance it is only $5. I tried going off of it, but it was not pretty, so I am back on it. Please let me know if you need anything at all and I will do my best to help you. I will being praying that you start feeling better soon.

[BLowry]

My heart just aches for you. You really need t be talking to a professional. I'm sure there are free clinics in Florida..And if not NO hospital can refuse to treat you. I am assuming you are not working where you said you have no insurance. There are insurances out there that help people in your situation...In Mass we have Mass Health...and it's free. I don't know what you would have in florida...I pray that you will find someone to help you.

[TeresaM]

I don't know how to respond to this, what to say to you, other then my heart aches for your pain. I pray God brings you peace and soothes your troubled mind & heart.

[Patti]

I feel so bad you are having to deal with all this. Anything that is harmful to you is not good,smoking, cutting purging etc. In my unexpert opinion, people smoke for different reasons, to be cool, calms them, they start and get addicted. While not good reasons, I believe that all of the things you mention such as cutting, bulemia are done to help handle some intense feelings of emotional pain and underlying reasons need to be determined and work on solving them. It is so sad that you cannot get some low cost/no cost help and some free Zoloft. Have you tried contacting the manufactures of Zoloft or there generics to see if they have a program in place to help you. I will check around and see if I find anything. Also, try going to a hospitals social services department and your city health department. I will keep you in my prayers that you can find some help and get some relief from the immense pain you are dealing with.

[delicatepuzzle]

Ok I just wanted to respond back to all of you by saying ... thank you for your kind words. I am a lot better than I used to be, as I have unfortunately acted upon some of these thoughts years ago. But not anymore. I AM in a MUCH MUCH better place in my life than I was before, but I just can't help but feel that I've gotten better at suppressing it all instead of actually working/dealing through it all.

Originally Posted by RoscoesMommy42

I take Zoloft also, but with my insurance it is only $5. I tried going off of it, but it was not pretty, so I am back on it. Please let me know if you need anything at all and I will do my best to help you.

Thank you. My zoloft used to only be $3 but now, even thou I'm still in school full time, my health insurance gave me the boot.

Originally Posted by BLowry

You really need t be talking to a professional. I'm sure there are free clinics in Florida..And if not NO hospital can refuse to treat you. I am assuming you are not working where you said you have no insurance.

I have seen MANY MANY professionals, I even got a few who told me "just looking at you from an outsiders perspective I would of NEVER thought you were an unhappy person at the least." Scary huh? That I could even fool a professional. I am working and do go to school full-time. But I just feel like there's nothing anyone can do for me anymore and I'm just wasting valuable money I'd rather spend on my furbabies. I have been to a hospital before, that it doesn't really help people like me. I needed an eating disorder specialized center, but now I do not feel I am at all sick enough to waste money like that.

Originally Posted by Patti

It is so sad that you cannot get some low cost/no cost help and some free Zoloft. Have you tried contacting the manufactures of Zoloft or there generics to see if they have a program in place to help you. I will check around and see if I find anything. Also, try going to a hospitals social services department and your city health department. I will keep you in my prayers that you can find some help and get some relief from the immense pain you are dealing with.

Sad part about reading your reply is that, if it were another person aside from myself, I'd do EVERYTHING in my own power to help them find a way. The other sad part is that am a nursing student and I know that there just HAS TO BE some type of Florida Health insurance in place for the uninsured (I know kids have Florida KidCare, I just wrote a paper on it). But thank you for the idea about contacting the company, I'll research that today.

[ARCHIE]

I don't know what to say to you except I hope you get the help you
so desperately need. I am happy you were able to get your feelings out
in just typing them here on YT. I will keep you in my thoughts and
prayer's.

[rayedelsol]

I don't know what to say to help. I had an eatting disorder as a preteen and still battle it to this day. The only thing that stops me now is the desire to be healthy. By not eatting I was damaging my body. I now have hypoglacemia and must moniter my sugar everyday. It was a desire to be better that made me stop. Some people aren't like that. Some people need help. I don't know how to help you.... but if you think of anything, please let us know!!!

[Kenna]

It's okay to express yourself. It is actually healthy to express yourself and I just want you know that you do matter. I am sorry about your health insurance. I hope you will be able to find some kind of health care in your area.

I won't get religious on you but want you to know you are in my thoughts and I hope you enjoy the beautiful day set before you. Hugs!

[Wend]

You have some really good points. In other cultures self-harm is seen in a positive way. Many peoples use it for a rite of passage etc. There is little difference between cutting and smoking, they are both addictive and done to soothe oneself. Smoking is much more harmful and dangerous but for some reason is more socially acceptable here. Doesn't make any sense does it?

Call your doc on the phone and ask for a nice generic prescription. Walmart has many that are only $4 a month, they have a list on their website. Costco also has good prices and lists their prices on their website. If you fill 3 months at a time they usually give you a break on the price. The makers of the drugs also have programs that may help you. I know there is a huge gap for the uninsured folks, I was there not so long ago.

I am sorry you are dealing with all of this right now. It sounds like you are setting yourself up to have a nice life, with a good steady career. That is really smart. Your furbabies are lucky to have you.

[QuickSilver]

It can take time and persistence to find a therapist that works for you, which is often the last thing you want to do when you are depressed. However, these kinds of thoughts and feelings are very hard to sort out on your own. I PM'd you about the ongoing grief you feel about your father. This is the kind of thing a therapist should be able to help you through.

[MsFamousHepburn]

Hi there, Delicatepuzzle! I may not have any wise advice or anything, but I can relate. I'm sure I've not experienced the sort of inner turmoil you must face, but I've battled my own demons in these areas. Most days, I'm winning, but sometimes I can't fight as well I should. To me, I think ed's and self-harm go hand in hand. I think essentially they are both the same thing, only self-harm is sort of more "instant gratification."

You make some really interesting points about the socially acceptable forms of self-harm. For me, it hurts to see someone else's scars. Its a reflex for me to reach for my own scars and to cover them when I see someone else's. Because when I see theirs, I almost feel their pain and wish there was someway I could help? I hate smoking, because I lost the most important person in my life to lung cancer. Seeing someone smoke doesn't have the same effect as scars do though.

I don't know if you'd be interested, but there's this great group called "Mercy Ministries." Its kind of like a rehab center, but they have programs that people sponsor so that women can go regardless of finances. For me, if I write my emotions out when I'm having one of "THOSE" days; my mind clears and things are better. Feel free to talk about your emotions anytime it helps!
((((HUGS))))

[diane boden]

I can understand where you are comming from in part. I grew up in a violent house-hold. I hated my father but despite this when my mom finally devorsed I became anorexic,at the age of 19. Everything you've known changes and you have to get back control somewhere in your life. Even after I started eating I turned vegitarian, not as a life style choice but as a way of control. Many times I thought of killing myself, but then I found something to hang on to, my furbuts. Even now my life is not my own as I care for my mother, the dogs are my reason to stay calm, an excuse to go out for a walk, something to focus on when I feel down. They need me and I chose for them to be here they weren't forced on me.I also am hyperglycemic but I try and stay healthy for them. I take each day as it comes. Sometimes it just helps to know your not the only one out there.

[BLowry]

I just wanted to add.....there is a forum;....It's called finding the light. I registered for it..My husband was diagnosed bi-polar over 2 years ago... Before that my life was a living HELL! I wasn't sure what I was going to do. This is my second marriage and we don't have any children together. I am 52 and he is 48. He didn't think anything was wrong with him...I needed support from others that were either in treatment or were like me...just needing support. this forum was WONDERFUL. You may want to give it a check. I know how horrible depression can be. I worked in a counseling center for 2 years and saw A LOT of what you are going through. Please check out this site.
I hope and pray you can find a good support system