Teenagers...

[allisongaines]

being relatively young (20) i can remember the time of my life when me and mom would always bud heads... i was around 13.. me and my mom are very much alike and we always clashed because each needed the last word.

i can tell you that what i felt my mom wasnt doing was listening to me... it seemed like to her, it was just a screaming contest. (and i wasnt going to lose ) when i finally "grew up", i just stopped the screaming and sat there... when she realized i wasnt going to yell and fight about it she stopped yelling as much . when i calmed down enough, i would write her a letter expressing EVERYTHING i felt in a courteous way, and put it somewhere shed find it. eventually, shed come in my room and we would talk about it and all would be better. .... this was like an everyday occurrence at my house. but boy, when i was really young, i would get a whippin everytime i said something rude. personally, i dont think its right to say whipping is wrong for everybody.. but i do think kids have a hard time communicating and understand why theyre being punished.

good luck with everything

[bjh]

I certainly feel for you for what you are going through. You do have to stand firm. I am not sure what the state laws are in your state but since he is only 15 I think your are still responsible for him and cannot just kick him out (I am sure you would not do that anyway). I really hope you seek out some counseling for yourself and your family. If you are involved with a church maybe they can help by talking to your son. Also talking to the school counselor might be helpful. I pray your situation improves.

[tjdmom]

I have a 14 year old but he'll be 15 next month so I know where you're coming from! Mine is into baseball too and while i can't say we all the same problems, we do have some of them. He does push the limits and he really doesn't seem to appreciate things and thinks money is no object. I need a new $300 bat, so what's the big deal? No advice for you.... Sorry, but don't take it too personally, he will grow out of it!

[Patti]

I feel for you. Even though this may be part of growing up, there are certain things that should nver be allowed. Swearing at you and treating you disrespectfully. My best friend for 50 years has a son who they did not get control of at an early age, some of it is my friends fault for not standing her ground and her husband for never backing each other. He is now 23, terribly abusive, been arrested and totaled her car. He is addicted to anything he cab get his hands on and it is a battle field everyday at the house. He is stealing her credit cards now and he is their natural child. They have an adopted dtr who is 12 and she has to put up with this craziness and she is my god child and it breaks my heart to see her living like this. She is a real sweet kid, So my point is is it may be growing pains, and I hope that is all it is, but you and your husband need to provide a united front and set down rules that are enforced. My 23 year old dtr has never talked back to me and all I have to do is give her a look and she knows but she is an easy going kid and I am sure she has called me a few choice names in her head at times. Just be strong and it will benefit your son in the long run.

[LuvtheCooper]

I agree, teenagers are tough..it's tough on them going through it and tough on you living through it. Our boys are 21 and 23, both are living on their own, graduated from college and self-supporting. We are thankful everyday for how well they turned out.
I also agree that a united front with you and your husband is a must. You need to sit down with him, (when your not mad) and ya'll need to agree on how you will handle him and you both need to live up to what you agreed on. This alone, I think, will help you tremendously.
I also agree that the back-talking and disrespectful words need to stop. I personally wouldn't let him play baseball at all if this is how I was treated. That should be a privilege he earns, not a given. I would also stop the money fountain when he does not deserve it. I would tell him that you will be spending YOUR money on YOURself, until he learns how to treat you. Your not his doormat, don't let him treat you like one. If he sees your serious...you might see some big changes in attitude. At this point, it couldn't hurt to try it. I wish you all the best, I know it's hard living through it. Venting helps

[BellaAmore]

My oldest is going to be 30 in Sept. He was tough to raise always had to have the last word. Hated everything but junkfood, dinner was a constant battle. He was a major punk rocker at 16 and 17 with 12 inch multicolored mohawk, black leather jacket or long black trenchcoat, peircing and tatoos when he turned 18. He and my husband fought constantly when he became a teen. I walked on eggshells for years. Now at thirty he has a good job, just got engaged is doing good, he is a nice cleancut person. My middle son is going to be 28 in July, he was a wonderful kid and OK teen, always cleancut. He never argued back, always helped out around the house. He was a hard worker. We only had slight problems with him in High School nothing big. He is now a recovering oxycotin addict. Still living home. Fighting this addiction on a daily basis. My daughter who is 19 was adopted at birth by us. She was a joy to raise, never had any problems in school, never got in any trouble ever. Always polite and respectful, our little angel. And let me tell you she is driving me crazy since she turned 19. Every conversation turns into a I am 19 argument. I ask her to be home at 11:00pm during the week since her Dad and I have to get up at 6:00am, that she finds ridiculus. I tell her to call me to let me know that she is OK occasionally while she is out, I am being overprotective, ETC. Whew if I had known then what I know now I would had just had "YORKIES"

[allisongaines]

Originally Posted by BellaAmore

My oldest is going to be 30 in Sept. He was tough to raise always had to have the last word. Hated everything but junkfood, dinner was a constant battle. He was a major punk rocker at 16 and 17 with 12 inch multicolored mohawk, black leather jacket or long black trenchcoat, peircing and tatoos when he turned 18. He and my husband fought constantly when he became a teen. I walked on eggshells for years. Now at thirty he has a good job, just got engaged is doing good, he is a nice cleancut person. My middle son is going to be 28 in July, he was a wonderful kid and OK teen, always cleancut. He never argued back, always helped out around the house. He was a hard worker. We only had slight problems with him in High School nothing big. He is now a recovering oxycotin addict. Still living home. Fighting this addiction on a daily basis. My daughter who is 19 was adopted at birth by us. She was a joy to raise, never had any problems in school, never got in any trouble ever. Always polite and respectful, our little angel. And let me tell you she is driving me crazy since she turned 19. Every conversation turns into a I am 19 argument. I ask her to be home at 11:00pm during the week since her Dad and I have to get up at 6:00am, that she finds ridiculus. I tell her to call me to let me know that she is OK occasionally while she is out, I am being overprotective, ETC. Whew if I had known then what I know now I would had just had "YORKIES"

oh man... i def DONT think your being too strict to ask her to come home at 11 on weekdays in respect for you and your hubby.. is she still in high school? and asking her to call you occasionally is NOT asking too much. maybe she just thinks you still want to "control" her. if you pay for her insurance, rent, car note, cell phone bills, maybe you can tell her that if she feels shes an adult maybe she should take over her bills. thatll get her attention.. and if it doesnt, let her start paying for things! itll make her grow up a little

[Angela]

I feel for you. I have raised two teen boys ( both are 18 ) nothing can hurt you and feel you leaving more betrayed then your kids. Their mouth got bad arouond 15....and then they just lost their MINDS by 17....I am still too mad to talk about it. We were the good parents there for every need/want....funny how they don't remember that. My husband worked and is a wonderful provider.....maybe I never gave him the chance to displine the boys b/c I couldn't wait until he got home We have two girls now 8 months and 5 yrs and I told him there is NO way I am going to be the only one displining the girls while he stays " the good guy " Hopefully we will have a better out come and I pray over our boys that they will see where there are truly loved and cherished, but I am afraid after MAJOR attitude on their parts....that they will have to figure it out and reflect on their child hood. Maybe, they will meet sopme people who never had every game system made, played any sport they wanted, had parentswho wanted to be at everything they would let us know about etc..

Good Luck!
Angie

[QuickSilver]

I just want to say that my mother once kicked me out of the house... and I left. Every family is different, and sadly, my mother is emotionally disturbed, but personally, I would not play that card.

I do not have kids, so I can only speak from one side of this. I would agree with whoever said that the teenage years are very tough, both for the teenager and the parents. I remember lots of times feeling very distressed and not knowing why or how to handle it - and it would usually turn into a fight with my mother. Try to keep perspective on what's important. Are your kids healthy? Safe? Doing okay in school? Do they have friends? These things are so much more important than if they back talk or keep their rooms clean. I'm sure that the ingratitude is maddening, but keep in mind, kids ARE ungrateful -- we all grow up getting things handed to us, and it is not until we are adults ourselves with fulltime jobs and adult problems that we realize how hard it is.

This is not to say that you shouldn't set limits and boundries, I just think it's the same as it is with dogs - decide what you expect, articulate it, don't take bad behavior personally, and try not to turn it into a power struggle.

You sound like you are involved in your son's life, which is great, and I would bet that in another 5-10 years he comes back and apologizes to you for being such a @@#($*.

I think there are two really good books on communication, though they have different recommendations: "The Dance of Anger" is really good about how to deal with these kinds of triangles, where you are trying to fix the relationship between your husband and son. And "Don't Shoot The Dog", even though it's about dog training, has a lot of good fundamental advice about how to encourage people to behave well.

Good luck! I hope things get easier for you soon.

[chloeandj]

I don't have teenagers yet (mine are 7 and 10) but my youngest has given me tremendous upset. I sure feel for you and know just what you mean about the baseball thing! I just wanted you to know i found the best book by Jane Nelson called Positive Discipline. (I'm sure she has a teen version too). It has completely flipped my outlook on how to speak to him differently to get what I need from him and how to handle his outbursts etc. I thought you might want to look into it. Things have changed around here so much since I started using the techniques and I am so relieved to have found the answers to our struggles as I was not looking forward to his teen years.

[manolos mom]

You must stand firm with your desisons. You must be together on how to raise a teen. They will play both of you...Stand firm together and love one another. The best gift we can give our kids is to love our sposes. The kids will feel secure. You need one on one with both boys. What does your oldest son like to do for fun. Take him to a concert or a show or something that will give you a one on one with him. Do this once a month. Take him out for a burger and have talk. I raised 3 girls so I have walked in your shoes. It will get better around 17 or 18. Remember, you need to communicate. Find our if something is bothering him at school. Teens will hold in their feelings. G

[Jemma]

You just lightly smacked him? I would have made his head spin with just one punch to his head. I'm sick and tired of hearing people say, OMG, don't hit your kid, you'll get in trouble. Ummm, I don't think so. No one will tell me how to parent. That's the problem today, parents can't be parents. I'm not afraid of the Family Service people. I think once you become fearful of doing what you think is best, the parenting gets lost.
You were right in what you did. No kid should talk to their mother that way. That is not respect and you smacking him showed him just how disrespectable he was. You took some things away from him too? Good for you. Sounds like you had enough BS and pulling up to the plate. You go girl, home run coming in!!!! Mother to 4, now grown and on their own....I think

Carol and Jemma