[QuickSilver]

I just want to say that my mother once kicked me out of the house... and I left. Every family is different, and sadly, my mother is emotionally disturbed, but personally, I would not play that card.

I do not have kids, so I can only speak from one side of this. I would agree with whoever said that the teenage years are very tough, both for the teenager and the parents. I remember lots of times feeling very distressed and not knowing why or how to handle it - and it would usually turn into a fight with my mother. Try to keep perspective on what's important. Are your kids healthy? Safe? Doing okay in school? Do they have friends? These things are so much more important than if they back talk or keep their rooms clean. I'm sure that the ingratitude is maddening, but keep in mind, kids ARE ungrateful -- we all grow up getting things handed to us, and it is not until we are adults ourselves with fulltime jobs and adult problems that we realize how hard it is.

This is not to say that you shouldn't set limits and boundries, I just think it's the same as it is with dogs - decide what you expect, articulate it, don't take bad behavior personally, and try not to turn it into a power struggle.

You sound like you are involved in your son's life, which is great, and I would bet that in another 5-10 years he comes back and apologizes to you for being such a @@#($*.

I think there are two really good books on communication, though they have different recommendations: "The Dance of Anger" is really good about how to deal with these kinds of triangles, where you are trying to fix the relationship between your husband and son. And "Don't Shoot The Dog", even though it's about dog training, has a lot of good fundamental advice about how to encourage people to behave well.

Good luck! I hope things get easier for you soon.