Opinions Needed - Sorry So Long

[LoveMyJake]

I think you should do what you and your boyfriend want to do. Do what makes you both happy. Don't worry about what anyone else thinks. BUT (you knew there was gonna be a 'but', right?) it doesn't hurt to protect yourself in the event of something going wrong, no matter if you're living together or if you end up getting married. Marriage is no guarantee that the relationship will last forever. I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide.

[Too Cute Teddy]

Originally Posted by MissSophie

My daughter is 30 and getting married the 24th of this month. She and her soon to be husband bought a house together two years ago. She is on the paper, but she didn't give him her money at the time of purchase. She was waiting until they became engaged. You have been given great advice. The difference between a marriage break up and a dating break up is that there are no legal safeguards for those who are just dating. So making sure that you have an attorney who gives you good advice as to your rights should the two of you part is very important.

This is what we would be doing - I am not putting any money down - he would be doing the full down payment, and I would probably wind up buying the furniture that I want, which wouldn't even come close to the dp amount. I think what hurt me more than anything wasn't the warning about a loss of assets if we broke up - that is understandable, but the comment that if we buy a house together we shouldn't ever bother getting married b/c what is the point. I almost wanted to say you have a child so what is the point of ever getting married which is so not like me to want to say something like that - especially because I am from that type of situation

[Too Cute Teddy]

Originally Posted by Erin

I can relate to what you are saying a lot. In our case his parents didn't approve of us RENTING and never stopped bugging us to buy a house (that we couldn't afford!)

We bought a townhouse at the top of the market, right before we got married, because we thought prices would keep going up. They didn't. Now we are stuck with it. There will ALWAYS be more houses. Don't buy it unless you are in love with it and truly can afford the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and anything that might come up. You'll always get pre-approved for more than you can afford because the banks know you will pay your mortgage first. Stick to 1/4-1/3 of your monthly income, taking into account other payments you might have. When we went from our 2 bedroom apt to our 2 bedroom TH our utility bills doubled... then we needed more furniture... we still had student loans, a car loan, medical loans... we could NOT afford this. Pay off all of your debt and set yourselves up financially so you don't have to fight about money.

Also, I think I sense a little bit of "we can't afford to get married" You CAN afford to get married, and if you are thinking about buying a house together he should be worthy enough to marry. What you can't afford is a big fancy wedding. We got engaged (Charged the ring - paid for it forever - so I never really got to enjoy it actually. I would have rather had a cheaper ring and no CC bill!) Anyway we didn't get to planning a wedding right away because we "couldn't afford it" Don't get caught up in it. We ended up having a modest wedding but we still let our parents invite all of these people we had never met and will never see again. I wanted probably 30-40 of them to be there and those people would not have cared if I got married in a off-the-rack dress, in a field, carrying daisies. Seriously. My best advice to you is that in 2 years, in 5 years, in 10 years the *wedding* you had will not matter but the marriage will.

I know someone who got married and almost immediately divorced because she and her mother cared more about the wedding than her marriage and apparently who she was marrying. $30,000 down the drain. I think they spent $4000 on pictures they are never going to look at again. She was a complete bridezilla and openly criticized me for having a less lavish wedding. Yeah well, I still have a husband! It's all about your attitude!!!

I know what you are saying we can get married and he is definately worthy of marriage and we know that is what we want, but you are right - it is that we can't do both the big wedding and the house at the same time, and I don't want to have to give up either. Financially we are in a good position, we have some college loans, but nothing huge no cc bills or other debt. I guess I feel like if we do it the traditional way, we might miss out on the market opportunity and still have a house and a wedding to pay for a year or two down the line all at the same time.

[ladyj]

Originally Posted by Too Cute Teddy

I need the opinions of the very wise YT community!! My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over four years and have started thinking about buying a house together - we are both teachers, have secure jobs and make decent money. We went to see a house last night that we really like that is a decent price, in a nice neighborhood, and on a quarter acre, which is a nice size lot for the area where I'm from. One of my best friends went with us just to look when we went to see the house, and she kept saying how nice it was and we should make an offer and if we didn't she would tell her parents about it. Now today, she called me and was with one of our other good friends and they both asked me why I would think of buying a house with someone I wasn't engaged to, and if I was going to live with someone before getting married, then why ever bother getting married in the future. Now keep in mind that this friend just dumped her bf of 7 years a month after getting engaged, and my other friend has a 7 y/o and just broke up with his father after 10 yrs of a crappy relationship. To get the the very long-winded point, they are making me feel really stupid for wanting to take this step, and it makes me sad that I am always there for them and very supportive, and they are telling me these things. I'm not sure how to take this, and wanted some non-biased opinions. Thanks!!

I will admit to being "old fashioned" when it comes to marriage. I've done the living together thing and the marriage thing and the marriage thing feels better. It also gives you security in so many areas, including financially. There isn't any guarantee either way, but a woman needs security. It doesn't cost much to get married by a Justice of the Peace and then you could have a big wedding later. I would worry about a man who would commit to buying a house together, but wouldn't commit to marriage. People find a way to afford the things they want, including a wedding. Please look at your relationship carefully and honestly. I know living together is supposed to be acceptable in today's world, but most people still think marriage should come before living together and financial commitments.

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by Too Cute Teddy

This is what we would be doing - I am not putting any money down - he would be doing the full down payment, and I would probably wind up buying the furniture that I want, which wouldn't even come close to the dp amount. I think what hurt me more than anything wasn't the warning about a loss of assets if we broke up - that is understandable, but the comment that if we buy a house together we shouldn't ever bother getting married b/c what is the point. I almost wanted to say you have a child so what is the point of ever getting married which is so not like me to want to say something like that - especially because I am from that type of situation

Do you want to get married? Does your boyfriend want to get married? I mean does he openly say that he is not against getting married? My ex used to tell EVERYONE around us that he didnt want to get married EVER... then with me he'd say he would marry me. I think the house was his lame way of keeping me around, locking me into a relationship that would not provide me what I wanted... he would provide 'just enough' to keep me around longer. Eventually the truth comes out and I KNEW at the time that I should not have bought the house with him. I didn't listen to my gut. He used the HOUSE as a reason to not get married. Oh 'we cannot afford to get married' bc of the mortgage, etc... Just make sure you are not sacrificing what YOU want for what HE wants. Make sure there is an even balance there, that you BOTH want the house and you BOTH want to get married, etc... If not, you'll end up regretting your decision. The house won't keep the relationship together forever, maybe just long enough to build resentment. Not that your guy is like my ex. Im just playing devils advocate with you.

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by ladyj

I will admit to being "old fashioned" when it comes to marriage. I've done the living together thing and the marriage thing and the marriage thing feels better. It also gives you security in so many areas, including financially. There isn't any guarantee either way, but a woman needs security. It doesn't cost much to get married by a Justice of the Peace and then you could have a big wedding later. I would worry about a man who would commit to buying a house together, but wouldn't commit to marriage. People find a way to afford the things they want, including a wedding. Please look at your relationship carefully and honestly. I know living together is supposed to be acceptable in today's world, but most people still think marriage should come before living together and financial commitments.

Im 31 and after all Ive been through... I agree with this more than EVER.

[Too Cute Teddy]

We have talked about our future and getting married and he openly says that he wants to. I wantto get married in my church with my family and friends and I know it doesn't have to be huge or anything, but I want a ceremony and so does my bf. I told him last night that I don't want the house to replace a marriage and he said he knew and neither did he so I guess I just have some decisions to make. He is the most honest and caring person I know - he is the type that would try to help anyone, and he is definately risking more financially. I do appreciate the honest advice!

[Mom to Hot Rod]

My husband and I just celebrated our 11th anniversary May 10th. We'd been together for 7 years before that. We co-owned a businesses and a ton of assests prior to actual marriage. You have to look into your relationship and see where you are comfortable with it. This a 2nd marriage for the both of us. This time around I kept my maiden name because of being older and more established with business and financial stuff. If you would feel better about it, as someone suggested, get a pre-nup on the house. As unromantic as it may sound, financial matters need to be address in a business way. The emotional roller coaster of buying a home, especially your 1st, will have you so starry eyed and if something should happen, neither party will remember anything anyone promised verbally. There is nothing wrong with protecting the each of you, separately.

We purchased a house to "sell" to my youngest step son and I wanted to address the issue of if he and his wife broke up. The 4 of us sat down to talk about it prior to signing papers and the other 3 right away said, "oh, it's not gonna happen, we're gonna be together forever" and hubby said, "we don't need to go there". Well, guess what? I had to go and completely rehab the house (he basically destroyed the interior along with his girlfriend, yes, his girlfriend). Since we'd set it up as a business proposition, I was able to kick them out legally and sell the house.

So if you and your bf are secure enough to address all scenarios and take necessary precautions to safeguard each other, then I would say go for it...it is a hellava buyers market if you can afford it! Good Luck with whatever you decide to do.

the other side of it, if you buy the house, compromise and have an intimate ceremony and/or reception in your new home, there are at least 2 less guests for your guest list!

[LuvMySissy]

Originally Posted by Too Cute Teddy

We have talked about our future and getting married and he openly says that he wants to. I wantto get married in my church with my family and friends and I know it doesn't have to be huge or anything, but I want a ceremony and so does my bf. I told him last night that I don't want the house to replace a marriage and he said he knew and neither did he so I guess I just have some decisions to make. He is the most honest and caring person I know - he is the type that would try to help anyone, and he is definately risking more financially. I do appreciate the honest advice!

You can do both, particularly if you're really wanting just the ceremony part with family and friends. If you buy the house, the reception could be in the back yard and done really nice as well!!!!! I don't think you have to give up one or the other. I completely agree with the importance of celebrating with family and friends, but the extravagance of weddings today is simply ridiculous for a day you will only remember snippets of!!! I am really glad you said the two of you want to commit to each other - that makes all the difference. And living together and being married are two very different things. The piece of paper that makes it formal does make a difference!!!

Good luck with whatever you decide. Hugs!!!!!