Just venting!!!

[kewtee]

I am so sorry to hear about your familys trouble!
I had a father who would do similar things and it was so tough to grow up and not be able to do anything!
And it's not just that he drinks and acts like an idiot, it is also the fact that your mother acts like one and doesn't stand up to him. It is so tragic! I wish I could help you in some way - but all I can do from here is tell you that your local Al-Anon might be able to help you - call them and get someone to talk to about this please!

My biggest fear when I grew into my 20's was that I was going to be a woman like my mom and not stand up for myself or my kids. Luckily I didn't, but that has cost a LOT of hard work with myself. But it can be done

Go stand up for yourself and get help my friend!

EDIT: I just read the former posts thougroughly (sp?) and I do not agree that you should take care of your mother and be extra helpful. She is a victim because she chooses to be one instead of getting up and getting out. Your mom is NOT your responsibility, you are hers and she is a grown woman who should take care of her children and not teach them to put up with abuse.
You just take care of yourself - you have a whole life ahead of you and can still choose not to follow in your parents footsteps...

[Kelz]

thanks for all the help guys! i just feel like we are all a big family!!!

[pixiepooh]

Originally Posted by wendybee

so sorry to hear what your going through, maybe mum could get help from a counciler who would help her to be stronger around your dad, for now when he starts both of you get up and leave the room that way you wont have to listen to him going on.
remember its the drink talking not your dad.


wendy and rosie

I cannot agree more. It is the alcohol that's making him act this way. He could be a really great dad because from the looks of it, he's raised a really wonderful daughter. If your mom's feeling fine, talk to her and suggest an intervention for your dad. Family problems are hard but there's always a solution. To me you're already doing your part by noticing the problem and not ignoring it. Goodluck to you and i'll keep you in my prayers.

[JCarlson2004]

I'm so sorry Kelly. I will pray for you and your mom.

[Marie]

Originally Posted by iheartyorkies

Marie, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through a similar situation. I will keep you in my prayers.

Thank you Cynthia for your prayers. My husband is not a bad person, is only when he drinks that he acts this way. Im not excusing him and yes i have chosen to stay with him. I just hope that he realizes soon that alcohol is affecting him and our family.

[red98vett]

Originally Posted by Marie

Kelly, Im so sorry for the way your dad treats you guys. Alcoholism is a disease that affects the whole family. Be very supportive of your mom and extra helpful. Your story hits close to home. In my case Im in your mom's situation. My hubby drinks and always takes it on me. Today after work he had a couple of beers cause he was stress cause of his job(Carpenter), well his boss.Anyway he got home with a bad mood and I new I was going to hear it tonite. He started screaming and yelling at me cause I was online, Of course YT. I just ignored him. Of course I get depress but Im getting help for that. I wish my 12 yr old son was a bit supportive. Sorry, I hijack your thread and posted about my situation. It was mostly to tell you that you are not alone and I understand. I will have your mom and family in my prayers. I really hope your dad realizes his bad attitude before is too late.

I'm just now seeing this - and Marie - you don't deserve that either...the thing with your son is that he probably can't take sides - he may need help coping because this is also bad for him ...just as it is for Kelly.

We carry what we learn as children throughout our lives....In Kelly's case - her dad is just making himself look bad and one day he could lose his family - Kelly is going to remember what a jerk her dad was for the rest of her life but it doesn't sound like he's violent towards her.

In your case - you need to watch out for yourself or you could BE HURT !! Drinking men are VIOLENT men - they may not mean it but the VAST majority of deaths and assaults are from men who are DRUNK.

PLEASE try to get him some help ...he needs it ...You are doing good getting help for yourself - your son will need you as the strong parent -

Your hubby sure needs to wake up and stop doing this or one day he could hurt you for REAL - not just with words.

I'm so so sorry for both Kelly AND you Marie -

[Jeniferlee]

Originally Posted by kewtee

I

Go stand up for yourself and get help my friend!

EDIT: I just read the former posts thougroughly (sp?) and I do not agree that you should take care of your mother and be extra helpful. She is a victim because she chooses to be one instead of getting up and getting out. Your mom is NOT your responsibility, you are hers and she is a grown woman who should take care of her children and not teach them to put up with abuse.
You just take care of yourself - you have a whole life ahead of you and can still choose not to follow in your parents footsteps...

I would agree with kewtee 100%- you need to take care of yourself! Have you ever heard of Alateen or Ala-non?(sp?) You can look in the phone book for such groups. People there are in the same boat you are and are a great resource for you.

********
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
********

The following questions are to help you decide whether Alateen is for you.

Do you have a parent, close friend or relative whose drinking upsets you?

Do you cover up your real feelings by pretending you don't care?

Does it seem like every holiday is spoiled because of drinking?

Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else's drinking or what's happening in your home?

Do you stay out of the house as much as possible because you hate it there?

Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?

Do you feel nobody really loves or cares what happens to you?

Are you afraid or embarrassed to bring your friends home?

Do you think the drinker's behaviour is caused by you, other members of your family, friends, or rotten breaks in life?

Do you make threats such as, "If you don't stop drinking, fighting, etc., I'll run away"?

Do you make promises about behaviour such as, "I'll get better school marks, go to church or keep my room clean" in exchange for a promise that the drinking and fighting stop?

Do you feel that if your Mum or Dad loved you, she or he would stop drinking?

Do you ever threaten or actually hurt yourself to scare your parents into saying, "I'm sorry," or "I love you"?

Do you believe no one could possibly understand how you feel?

Do you have money problems because of someone else's drinking?

Are meal times frequently delayed because of the drinker?

Have you considered calling the police because of drinking behaviour?

Have you refused dates out of fear or anxiety?

Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?

Do you ever treat people (teachers, school mates, team mates, etc.) unjustly because you are angry at someone else for drinking too much?


Sorry this is so long but you have to take care of you- so the cycle does not repeat itself!
I work with folks everyday about such topics if you need to chat PM me and we can talk sometime!
Hugs, good luck and stay strong!

[red98vett]

That was VERY good - too bad the ones who drink couldn't read that and see the problem....

[Jeniferlee]

Originally Posted by red98vett

That was VERY good - too bad the ones who drink couldn't read that and see the problem....

Don't I wish it was that easy! I would be out of job if they did- and I would be thankful! Kinda ironic- be thankful for losing your job but that would mean no more alcoholics.
The sad fact is we are seeing more and more young drinkers from alcoholic families! It is a cycle that has to be broken.
But that is another soap box in itself- sorry but besides Macy this is another passion of mine!

[cacbeary]

Please take your Mom to an Alanon meeting. It would be great for the both of you. You would understand why your Mom & Dad both do what they are doing.

Good link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ but if you can't find a meeting - go to an AA meeting. There are spouses of alcoholics there too.

I grew up where both my parents were alcoholics. Dad died when he was 45, Mom had a spot on her liver - told to quit drinking or die. She chose to live & I got my Mom back from when I was a little girl.

Me? Would never touch the stuff. Seen what it did to my family. But I ended up in therapy for a year 20 years later. While in therapy I was to attend 6 AA meetings. There was something my therapist wanted me to see. I went to one meeting & wouldn't go back. I wanted to tell them all off & smack them in the face! I wanted to yell at them to quit thinking of themselves & think what they are doing to the kids. My therapist wouldn't tell me what I needed to see, trying to get me to go back there. I told him just give me another book to read instead I wasn't going back. I grew up in it & that was enough!

There wasn't any Alanon meetings close to me & then it was suggested the AA meetings.

With alcoholism over 90% of the time there will be abuse there as well. It would help your mother see that your father's drinking problem is controlling her as well. It would help your mother see what she needs to face.

[babi1542]

I am so sorry that you are going through these hard times. Please remember that alcholism is a disease that does affect everyone in the family. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[Marie]

Jeniferlee,

Thank you so much for the link for Al-anon. Im going to check it out.

[kewtee]

Originally Posted by cacbeary

Please take your Mom to an Alanon meeting. It would be great for the both of you. You would understand why your Mom & Dad both do what they are doing.

Good link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ but if you can't find a meeting - go to an AA meeting. There are spouses of alcoholics there too.

I grew up where both my parents were alcoholics. Dad died when he was 45, Mom had a spot on her liver - told to quit drinking or die. She chose to live & I got my Mom back from when I was a little girl.

Me? Would never touch the stuff. Seen what it did to my family. But I ended up in therapy for a year 20 years later. While in therapy I was to attend 6 AA meetings. There was something my therapist wanted me to see. I went to one meeting & wouldn't go back. I wanted to tell them all off & smack them in the face! I wanted to yell at them to quit thinking of themselves & think what they are doing to the kids. My therapist wouldn't tell me what I needed to see, trying to get me to go back there. I told him just give me another book to read instead I wasn't going back. I grew up in it & that was enough!

There wasn't any Alanon meetings close to me & then it was suggested the AA meetings.

With alcoholism over 90% of the time there will be abuse there as well. It would help your mother see that your father's drinking problem is controlling her as well. It would help your mother see what she needs to face.

Thank you so much for sharing your story! It means a lot to those who are in the middle of it. And to me too of course, since it is always nice to share your destiny.

On a sidenote to the kind people who wishes that he could get help - and to Marie:
As long as there are people supporting them the way they are, staying with them, forgiving them time after time and again, they will not learn that alcohol is ruining your family...you're still there aren't you?! So that's not the way to make an alcoholic realize something is wrong. Getting up and getting out is really the best help you can give the alcoholic, because when he or she is alone and wakes up sober without the family, they have a chance to realize that they have a problem. But as long as they have their loved ones around them, they can go on denying the problem for ever.

You cannot talk sense to an alcoholic, it's not that they are stupid, but the alcohol has poisoned their brain so they can't think straight. That's why The Minnesota has invented interventions, which work very well!

As long as you stay you are telling him that what he does is ok, even though you say a thousand times a day to him with words that you don't like his drinking and you want him to stop, your behaviour is showing him differently, cause you're still there...

I remember when I was in my twenties and lived in a city way away from my parents and my mom used to call me EVERY sunday and sing "I just called to say I love you..." she made me cry every time, because I could hear that she was drunk and I wanted to be loved, but I wanted her to love me without having to drink.
My therapist helped me tell her that she was never to call me when she had anything to drink. If that meant she would have to call me at 8 in the morning, then so be it.
She denied being drunk and said she was just tired, but I insisted and told her I would hang up on her if she didn't respect my wish.
After 1 incident the next sunday where I hung up she got the message, and from then on she called me at 8 in the morning. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough to give me peace of mind.
And when she died 3 years later I could forgive her and mourn her...

[txshopper73]

you and your mom are in such a sad situation. My first husband was and still is a drunk. Difference is, he use to beat my a$$ when he was loaded. I finally got smart and left him. Sounds like your mom has put up with his abuse for so long that she has a low self esteem. Only she can change her situation. I hate drunks. I wish you both the best and will keep you in my prayers.

[Bruce's_Mom]

I know exactly what you are going through. As I was growing up my father was exactly the same way. The problem was exacerbated by the fact that my mother is by nature a people pleaser so she felt like she was the cause of all problems including my fathers drinking. She was always crying and my father and I were always screaming (unfortunatly I take after both my parents).

I am really glad to see that you acknowledge the problem in your family and I really encourage you to seek out outside help from a counselor or support group. I know from where you stand you may not believe this, but I think it is the after effects that have caused me the most pain and frustration...See my family was caught up on pretenses, we never spoke of the problem, then literally one day my dad suddenly stopped drinking (after getting treatment disquised as a business trip) and we were all supposed to forget about it...

Well in my case this is what has happened. I do not trust or feel secure with people until I have known them a long time, and really put them to the test through manipulation, emotional breakdowns, bouts of self centeredness, etc. In fact I lost the only man I have ever loved this way...In terms of work and school I suffer profoundly from "imposter syndrome" no matter what I achieve, no matter how much sucess I have I always feel like I am failing, that is why I am sitting here in my office at 10:00 p.m. having a brief dinner/YT break trying to overcompensate for an earlier mistake. My spending habits are somewhat pathological and addictive in nature. I am constantly seeking approval so knowing I do not have the money I will go buy a $1200 Lois Vuitton bag or $3500 Prada coat hoping to please others with my appearance or taste. I demand perfectionism in myself this has caused me to suffer from extremely serious bulimia, insomnia, chronic self flogging, etc. At the same time I tend to have very low expectations of others so I try to be super controlling in relationships and various situations. Worst of all I have flirted with chemical dependency myself...

I just wanted to tell you this not to spill my guts but to say it is really wonderful that you recognize the problem but please do not push it under the rug! I would hate to see another Yorkie Talker/Lover go through these things. It is only now that I am 24 I am at all begining to deal with things (sadly I think the love of my little Yorkie has been a huge help) and I think it is important to start dealing as soon as possible! Good luck, Bruce & I will have you in our prayers.