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Originally Posted by cacbeary Please take your Mom to an Alanon meeting. It would be great for the both of you. You would understand why your Mom & Dad both do what they are doing.
Good link http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ but if you can't find a meeting - go to an AA meeting. There are spouses of alcoholics there too.
I grew up where both my parents were alcoholics. Dad died when he was 45, Mom had a spot on her liver - told to quit drinking or die. She chose to live & I got my Mom back from when I was a little girl. 
Me? Would never touch the stuff. Seen what it did to my family. But I ended up in therapy for a year 20 years later. While in therapy I was to attend 6 AA meetings. There was something my therapist wanted me to see. I went to one meeting & wouldn't go back. I wanted to tell them all off & smack them in the face! I wanted to yell at them to quit thinking of themselves & think what they are doing to the kids. My therapist wouldn't tell me what I needed to see, trying to get me to go back there. I told him just give me another book to read instead I wasn't going back. I grew up in it & that was enough!
There wasn't any Alanon meetings close to me & then it was suggested the AA meetings.
With alcoholism over 90% of the time there will be abuse there as well. It would help your mother see that your father's drinking problem is controlling her as well. It would help your mother see what she needs to face. |
Thank you so much for sharing your story! It means a lot to those who are in the middle of it. And to me too of course, since it is always nice to share your destiny.
On a sidenote to the kind people who wishes that he could get help - and to Marie:
As long as there are people supporting them the way they are, staying with them, forgiving them time after time and again, they will not learn that alcohol is ruining your family...you're still there aren't you?! So that's not the way to make an alcoholic realize something is wrong. Getting up and getting out is really the best help you can give the alcoholic, because when he or she is alone and wakes up sober without the family, they have a chance to realize that they have a problem. But as long as they have their loved ones around them, they can go on denying the problem for ever.
You cannot talk sense to an alcoholic, it's not that they are stupid, but the alcohol has poisoned their brain so they can't think straight. That's why The Minnesota has invented interventions, which work very well!
As long as you stay you are telling him that what he does is ok, even though you say a thousand times a day to him with words that you don't like his drinking and you want him to stop, your behaviour is showing him differently, cause you're still there...
I remember when I was in my twenties and lived in a city way away from my parents and my mom used to call me EVERY sunday and sing "I just called to say I love you..." she made me cry every time, because I could hear that she was drunk and I wanted to be loved, but I wanted her to love me without having to drink.
My therapist helped me tell her that she was never to call me when she had anything to drink. If that meant she would have to call me at 8 in the morning, then so be it.
She denied being drunk and said she was just tired, but I insisted and told her I would hang up on her if she didn't respect my wish.
After 1 incident the next sunday where I hung up she got the message, and from then on she called me at 8 in the morning. It wasn't perfect, but it was enough to give me peace of mind.
And when she died 3 years later I could forgive her and mourn her...