I know exactly what you are going through. As I was growing up my father was exactly the same way. The problem was exacerbated by the fact that my mother is by nature a people pleaser so she felt like she was the cause of all problems including my fathers drinking. She was always crying and my father and I were always screaming (unfortunatly I take after both my parents).
I am really glad to see that you acknowledge the problem in your family and I really encourage you to seek out outside help from a counselor or support group. I know from where you stand you may not believe this, but I think it is the after effects that have caused me the most pain and frustration...See my family was caught up on pretenses, we never spoke of the problem, then literally one day my dad suddenly stopped drinking (after getting treatment disquised as a business trip) and we were all supposed to forget about it...
Well in my case this is what has happened. I do not trust or feel secure with people until I have known them a long time, and really put them to the test through manipulation, emotional breakdowns, bouts of self centeredness, etc. In fact I lost the only man I have ever loved this way...In terms of work and school I suffer profoundly from "imposter syndrome" no matter what I achieve, no matter how much sucess I have I always feel like I am failing, that is why I am sitting here in my office at 10:00 p.m. having a brief dinner/YT break trying to overcompensate for an earlier mistake. My spending habits are somewhat pathological and addictive in nature. I am constantly seeking approval so knowing I do not have the money I will go buy a $1200 Lois Vuitton bag or $3500 Prada coat hoping to please others with my appearance or taste. I demand perfectionism in myself this has caused me to suffer from extremely serious bulimia, insomnia, chronic self flogging, etc. At the same time I tend to have very low expectations of others so I try to be super controlling in relationships and various situations. Worst of all I have flirted with chemical dependency myself...
I just wanted to tell you this not to spill my guts but to say it is really wonderful that you recognize the problem but please do not push it under the rug! I would hate to see another Yorkie Talker/Lover go through these things. It is only now that I am 24 I am at all begining to deal with things (sadly I think the love of my little Yorkie has been a huge help) and I think it is important to start dealing as soon as possible! Good luck, Bruce & I will have you in our prayers. |