HELP! Need boyfriend advice...

[Stella's mom]

Your quote:

"So I have a couple of choices, stay with him and deal with all of the kisses and hugs that i have to give him and try to change and hope that he changes and does something with his life or leave."



I've read your post at least 3 times and I'm trying to figure out what about yourself you should try to change. You go to school, work, spend time with your family and take care of Oliver. You don't have outrageous debt and it sounds like you would like a stable future, sorry but it doesn't sound like you are the one that needs to change for this relationship to work.

[Superstarkba]

Girl move on! i am going/went through this.. and trust me it will ALWAYS be the same as it is now!!! I have tried to "change" it and it wont work.. I know that everyones telling you to move on and they are right.... you can look back at my posts and see how many times I have complained about my x..and I finally broke it off. If you ever need anyone to talk to im here, and im going through it now!

[Bizzymammabee]

Remember as a woman we always need to know our worth. I dont' think he sees or understands yours. So you need to be the stronger one and realize that you are that one and deserve better.

[xliloliverdiorx]

Originally Posted by Bizzymammabee

He has a few red flags for me. Seems to not have much drive and ambition. I know when your young and just finished high school you sometimes feel like you need a break. He has already had a semester off and should be making plans or making moves.

At 19 how much debt does he have? I agree that it's nice to be with someone that makes as much money as you do but that is not always the case and you shouldn't let money rule your life like that. Over the years hubby and I have made changes to our careers so we have had income fluxes. That doesn't bother me at all. I just personally can't and won't be with a man with no ambition but I don't care what he does for a living as long as he does something.

The neediness and not taking into consideration your personal situation does send up a big flag for me. Seems very selfish and like he will be a very possessive person and I don't like people like that. Part of being in a relationship is trusting. While he jokes about which ex etc you were hanging out with he means that. Especially being as you have told him it bothers you and yet he still continues to bring that up. I have seen girls start out with boyfriends like that and they progress into more and it gets a bit scary.

If I were you seeing as your currently career minded I would date around. I would not waste my time on him. You will see as you get a bit older and enter different phases in your life you will meet people that match those levels. Right now I think you should concentrate on school and see how things go. I think if you don't date a few people you can't really honestly know what you want in a mate. There is a little experimenting that goes on in relationships and you learn what you can and cant' live with or without. I am not saying you have to date a lot of people but your young so don't limit yourself. I have a little sister your age and some nieces and nephews not that far behind. I have given them the same advice that I have shared with you.

Good luck. If you were my sister asking me about this situation I would tell you to get rid of him and keep it moving.

Unfourtunatly he is not really making any moves and i am constantly asking what are you going to do this up and comming semester and he always replies i dont know. And really i dont care what a guy does with his career options as long as he does something, I guess i made that assumption about college boys when i was younger and now that i look back at it i am pretty much saying i dont want someone who slacks off. he has a 21000 car and at least 3000 in credit cards, he has missed his car payments so now the bill is 1500. And I totally agree with you that he really does mean it when he says he's joking. Ultimately I really feel not much pity for him at all when i get mad when he does that. It really pushes me away from him when he does it and he knows that. Thank you very much for your advice, very helpful.

[xliloliverdiorx]

Originally Posted by Buddy-licious

You may only be 19 years old but you sound like a VERY smart girl!!! Most 19 year olds wouldn't even recognize all his issues BUT you see them ALL!!!!
This is my opinion: The hug & kissing thing says that he is very insecure. The jealousy issue also says he is insecure. The debt issues says he is very irresponsible. No job says he is lazy.
I love the fact that your education is so important to you!! But he sounds right the opposite of you... he has no interest in his education or working!!!
Please, please move on!!!! One day you are going to have a college degree and a great job ....he is going to be uneducated and unemployed!!! You deserve so much better!!!!
Like I said, you are a smart girl...I think you know what you need to do!!!!!
Best of luck....keep us posted!!!!!!!!

thank you so much for your encouragement and advice! Your are very right and i never really realized it but he is the very opposite of me haha go figure.

[patty58]

Oh honey, too many red flags. My daughter never listened to those red flags. She always thought she could make them change and usually someone doesn't change. She has had 2 relationships like that. They both ended badly. One guy she even married twice 'cause he told her he had changed. Please, please listen to what your mind is really telling you....even if it hurts for a little while. You deserve much better.

[xliloliverdiorx]

Originally Posted by Stella's mom

Your quote:

"So I have a couple of choices, stay with him and deal with all of the kisses and hugs that i have to give him and try to change and hope that he changes and does something with his life or leave."



I've read your post at least 3 times and I'm trying to figure out what about yourself you should try to change. You go to school, work, spend time with your family and take care of Oliver. You don't have outrageous debt and it sounds like you would like a stable future, sorry but it doesn't sound like you are the one that needs to change for this relationship to work.

I do agree with you that i dont feel that i really need to change but he thinks that I am not "into our relationship" i guess and so thats what he thinks that i need to change. But what he doesnt realize is that I back down on the relationship when finals week comes around and when other stresses of life come about.

[xliloliverdiorx]

Originally Posted by Superstarkba

Girl move on! i am going/went through this.. and trust me it will ALWAYS be the same as it is now!!! I have tried to "change" it and it wont work.. I know that everyones telling you to move on and they are right.... you can look back at my posts and see how many times I have complained about my x..and I finally broke it off. If you ever need anyone to talk to im here, and im going through it now!

thank youfor being there. I know i just read your post the other day about you breaking up with your boyfriend and its so difficult i know you probably know that. but coming up with the courage to do so is such a difficult task.

[xliloliverdiorx]

Originally Posted by Bizzymammabee

Remember as a woman we always need to know our worth. I dont' think he sees or understands yours. So you need to be the stronger one and realize that you are that one and deserve better.

thank you, you are right i do deserve better. I guess this is just a different way of a guy that is not giving me what i deserve and ive never really come across this before.

[xliloliverdiorx]

Originally Posted by patty58

Oh honey, too many red flags. My daughter never listened to those red flags. She always thought she could make them change and usually someone doesn't change. She has had 2 relationships like that. They both ended badly. One guy she even married twice 'cause he told her he had changed. Please, please listen to what your mind is really telling you....even if it hurts for a little while. You deserve much better.

thank you for the advice and the encouragement. I think I am very much like your daughter, I see the red flags i guess but i dont really want to listen to them and i always think i can change the situation and am learning how to tell myself that i cannot always be in control. thats one of my downfalls.

[Betty'sMom]

Originally Posted by Buddy-licious

You may only be 19 years old but you sound like a VERY smart girl!!! Most 19 year olds wouldn't even recognize all his issues BUT you see them ALL!!!!
This is my opinion: The hug & kissing thing says that he is very insecure. The jealousy issue also says he is insecure. The debt issues says he is very irresponsible. No job says he is lazy.
I love the fact that your education is so important to you!! But he sounds right the opposite of you... he has no interest in his education or working!!!
Please, please move on!!!! One day you are going to have a college degree and a great job ....he is going to be uneducated and unemployed!!! You deserve so much better!!!!
Like I said, you are a smart girl...I think you know what you need to do!!!!!
Best of luck....keep us posted!!!!!!!!

I AGREE!! Too many negative qualities. What positive qualities does he have??

[xliloliverdiorx]

Originally Posted by Betty'sMom

I AGREE!! Too many negative qualities. What positive qualities does he have??

hes funny, sweet most of the time, his family is great i look up to them a lot, we have fun together.

[Monday]

Originally Posted by xliloliverdiorx

True but i want to give him the chance to change thats why I havent really moved on yet.

someone once told me "a leopard never changes its spots".
It has proven to be so true.

Take it for what it is worth.

You are a young girl, do not waste time on something that needs to be fixed. 19 is not the mandatory age to get totally involved. You have so much to do and so much to see and so many guys to meet so you can choose the right one for you. You are intelligent. Now do the right thing. Even if it hurts for a while.

Would you buy a refrigerator that did not work and sit and wait for it to change? Same idea.

If you did not see this as a problem you would not have started the post! (Am I right?)

Please give it thought. Life is short, make the right decisions and you will have a great time with lots of enjoyment. You do not need aggravation from the get go.

If he needs constant hugs and kisses, let him get a Yorkie, as we know, they are great at that. You are a wonderful young lady and deserve to be regarded as such.

I wish you all the best no matter what you decide. Truly I do.

[Tillys_mom]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Guys can change, when they want to, but HE has to want it, not just you. Also, chances are his family will never ever change. I got married with hopes that my in-laws would treat me better, WRONG! Not trying to sound rude but just from my own personal experience this is how it worked out.

[LunasMomma]

I only have one word for you:



RUN!!!!!!!!!