Alzeimers - My Mom

[jrsygal37]

It's a little after midnight and I just got in a bit ago. It's been a very bad night. My parents are almost 80 yrs. old and my mom has Alzeimers. She's also a diabetic and she has renal failure. She was very ill over the summer, actually went into hospice the day after I lost my Yorkie Newman to cancer. It's been rough. Hospice took care of her in the nursing home and she pulled out of it and my dad brought her home in December. She seemed to be doing better, but then took a steady decline.

My parents have been fighting terribly. My mom is paranoid. She thinks my father is hiding things on her, messing with her meds, etc. but it's her that is misplacing etc. and then she fights with my father. My brother and I have tried to tell him not to argue with her, that the best thing to say is yes I'm sorry or just your right, but he I don't know what it is. No matter how much we tell him that he still argues and the it gets physical. She hits at him and he grabs her arms or pushes her to protect himself. She now claims he hits her, chokes her etc. I just feel sick.

Growing up my parents never had a violent relationship. I don't ever remember my father putting his hands on her. And, he swears that he does not hit her and that she is just making this stuff up and that it's her that hits him.

I have never gone through an experience with an alzeimers patient and this is just killing me. I don't know what to believe or who to believe and tonight my dad called a crisis center because he could not deal with it anymore. They sent out two people from the hospital two evaluate her and they came with two police men. They determined that she should go to the psych hospital to have her meds evaluated etc. She sobbed that she didnt' want to got and by law she had to go. There was nothing I could do.

I'm so angry at my father. We are - I am a private person and truthfully I cannot believe I'm on her writing this. I'm just so sick right now. I really feel that he should have let us all handle this privately as I offered so many times to get them whateve their insurance would cover which would have been a nurse to come a few times a week to evaluate her meds, and a home maker to come two hours a day to help out and let him get out. He always refused etc. and now he calls crisis and has police come and an ambulance to take my mom. I just cannot talk to him right now. I am so angry.

Is there any YT'ers her that have a family member with Alzeimer's that may be able to tell me if they do make things up such as abuse, or people hiding things on them etc. I know every one is different but she knows my name, she knows her family etc. so it can't be late stages I don't think, yet when I read about the paranoia and the hiding things etc. it says late stages.

I'm so confused.

Thanks.
Elaine

[For My Coby]

Oh Elaine, my heart goes out to you. Although I don't have experience with Alzheimers, I do have elderly parents who are 80. Has your mom been formally diagnosed? My mom has been in and out of the hospital for the past year and has been in the nursing home since December. Several times during that time, she has become paranoid and confused. With elderly, any changes in medications or surroundings can set off dementia episodes that do not necessarily have to be Alzheimers.

Our decision to place mom in a nursing home (in addition to the doctors order of rehab for strengthening) was as much for my dad as my mom. Before that, we did have nurses aides coming to the home a couple times a week (they didn't want more time than that), but it got to the point it was just too much for my dad to take. My mom has been given very little time, but she has rebounded and has been doing pretty well lately. We tried to feel Dad out to see if we could bring her home, but he just can't handle it all on his own.

What's really hard is to see your folks change with age. Some of it is medical; some of it is emotional in response to the other changes; some is dementia; some is depression. I just feel so ill-equipped to deal with all of this. For some reason, I thought my folks would either live forever or never change until the day they died. It is so hard to support both parents who have very different needs.

Try not to be too hard on your dad. He's been the one living there and while we try, we really have a hard time imagining what living with someone who is difficult to live with is really like. Plus, his own "resolve" isn't what it used to be when he was younger and things were easier. My dad - a complete ROCK all his life - has fallen apart more times in the last year that his entire life.

Hugs to you - we're too young to be dealing with this.

[YorkichonBella]

Elaine, My heart goes out to you & your family. It is just so sad that they have to go through this at their age. I've gone through battles with my Mom over the past few years with her health and experienced some of the "mental" ?s, but nothing like you are going through now. Is your Mother on alot of meds which I'm sure she is? My Mom would get better & then something else would happen & she would have to go to so many doctors, hospitalization, so many meds. It wears the body & mind down. Even one of her doctors told me in front of her that if she ever started to act strangely, to give him a call. At the time, I really didn't understand fully what he meant. Hopefully, if she is evaluated, they can see if her meds could be causing alot of this. I am praying for your Mother and your family. If you ever feel like you need to just talk, I'm here!

[RowdysMom]

You need to take your mom to a doctor who specializes in Alzheimer's disease - if you haven't already. Call the local Alzheimer's Association and they will refer you. She is having some usual symptoms and your father may or may not be doing physical harm to her, it is hard to say. He definitely needs a break from her care - he cannot think properly right now. You are telling him the right things, do not argue with her, but for some reason, he cannot stop himself from doing that. He really needs a break.

It is possible that she needs her meds changed and in the hospital they may be able to get her regulated.

Call the local chapter of the Alzheimer's association, they may have someone who can help you. Or call the Area Agency on Aging and they will help you.

Most of all, find someone who can help. Your family is in crisis and you all need help.

This is a horrible and difficult time, but help is available. You can find almost everything I referred to above on the internet. www.alz.org

Get on the internet, call, get some help!

I'm so sorry this is happening.

[chimicole]

I PM'd you Sweetie...

[Gizmo's Mom]

I send prayers for your family. My parents are that age and some of it is heartbreaking to watch. Sometimes I catch myself just sitting and watching them..wondering when did they get old. My mom is facing a few of the things yours is. She has parkinsons and is diabetic. Sometimes she talks to members of the family that aren't there, etc. My thoughts will be with you and yours.

[Sugar's Mom]

Originally Posted by jrsygal37

It's a little after midnight and I just got in a bit ago. It's been a very bad night. My parents are almost 80 yrs. old and my mom has Alzeimers. She's also a diabetic and she has renal failure. She was very ill over the summer, actually went into hospice the day after I lost my Yorkie Newman to cancer. It's been rough. Hospice took care of her in the nursing home and she pulled out of it and my dad brought her home in December. She seemed to be doing better, but then took a steady decline.

My parents have been fighting terribly. My mom is paranoid. She thinks my father is hiding things on her, messing with her meds, etc. but it's her that is misplacing etc. and then she fights with my father. My brother and I have tried to tell him not to argue with her, that the best thing to say is yes I'm sorry or just your right, but he I don't know what it is. No matter how much we tell him that he still argues and the it gets physical. She hits at him and he grabs her arms or pushes her to protect himself. She now claims he hits her, chokes her etc. I just feel sick.

Growing up my parents never had a violent relationship. I don't ever remember my father putting his hands on her. And, he swears that he does not hit her and that she is just making this stuff up and that it's her that hits him.

I have never gone through an experience with an alzeimers patient and this is just killing me. I don't know what to believe or who to believe and tonight my dad called a crisis center because he could not deal with it anymore. They sent out two people from the hospital two evaluate her and they came with two police men. They determined that she should go to the psych hospital to have her meds evaluated etc. She sobbed that she didnt' want to got and by law she had to go. There was nothing I could do.

I'm so angry at my father. We are - I am a private person and truthfully I cannot believe I'm on her writing this. I'm just so sick right now. I really feel that he should have let us all handle this privately as I offered so many times to get them whateve their insurance would cover which would have been a nurse to come a few times a week to evaluate her meds, and a home maker to come two hours a day to help out and let him get out. He always refused etc. and now he calls crisis and has police come and an ambulance to take my mom. I just cannot talk to him right now. I am so angry.

Is there any YT'ers her that have a family member with Alzeimer's that may be able to tell me if they do make things up such as abuse, or people hiding things on them etc. I know every one is different but she knows my name, she knows her family etc. so it can't be late stages I don't think, yet when I read about the paranoia and the hiding things etc. it says late stages.

I'm so confused.

Thanks.
Elaine

Elaine, I lost my father a few years ago to Alzhiemer's. it was terrible and I went thru the same things you are going thru. His got worse after my mother passed away. I am an only child and took care of him as long as I could. it finally came to the point that he was fighting me and hitting me and even had a gun in the house that he would shoot things with because he thought it was people in his home. I HAD to take him to the nursing home that specialized in Alzhiemer's care. No matter what stigma is attached to Nursing Homes, there are some wonderful ones equipped to handle these type patients. Have you looked into this? My opinion is that trying to care for her will shorten your dad's life too. Please don't be mad at your father. he did all he knew to do and it is very frustrating. I went thru it for about five years. I grieved myself to death almost when the day came that my dad no longer knew who I was. I am going out today for awhile but if you want to talk, send me a pm. I will give you my phone number.

[ryorkies]

I do not have any words of advice, because my parents passed away relatively young and I do not know of anyone who has had to deal with this heartbreaking disease. I can only imagine how difficult and painful this must be for you.
Prayers of strength and support offered for you today .....

[Mom to Hot Rod]

We recently lost my m-i-l to emphaysemia (sp) she was 80. It is really difficult to see our parents as old and frail. My hubby and I were at odds all the time about her, she lived with us. I could accept it because I could stand back and look in wherea he was right in the middle-and he is an only child.

Have patience with your father, he is right in the middle and while you have known your mother all your life, he has known her longer. One of the hardest things to accept and acknowledge is that your loved one ill.

Hugs at a very difficult time.

[Tiramisu]

Elaine, you are not alone. My Mom has a form of Parkinsons and has fallen twice to break both hips. She is very depressed and unfortunately the meds make it worse. My sister lives next door to her (200 miles from me) and has power of attorney, but won't move her to assisted living, eventhough the doctors and family think that would be best. I listen to a lot of complaining from my sister, but don't witness the daily heartbreak myself. My Mom came to stay a couple months last Summer and she was mean to my g-kids and me. It's like she's mad at the world since my Dad died.

Please don't be angry at your Dad. I can't imagine the heartbreak he's feeling for himself, your Mom, and you.

[Patti]

I feel so bad for your family, it is so hard to watch this decline. My Dad has Alzeimers and is 88 years old. My Mom and I took care of him and she passed a year ago. My Dad is paranoid and says people arr coming into the apartment and stealing his food and candy, watching him in the bathroom, following him when we go out. Very irrational things but to him they are real. We do have him under the care of a geriatric psychiatrist who has helped lessen the severity and frequency of the paranoia. We know the day is coming where we will no longer be able to maintain him in the apartment but it is so hard to make the decision to put him in a nursing home. I know how stressful it is dealing with a parent like this. I hope you can get some help.

[Nancy1999]

I feel for you, my mother had it. I agree with the others, contact the Alzheimer's Association. One of the best tips I learned in dealing with Alzheimer patients is distraction. When they are upset and scared about real or imagined things distract them. Saying things like, "what sounds good for dinner", or asking a question about something they use to be especially interested in. I would bring up old stories that I knew she was fond of telling. It so simple, it's hard to believe it works, but it does. Really, if you can remember to use this one tip your life will become 100% more manageable, and be sure to teach it to your father. Once of the hardest things for you will be the changing role, you are now the parent, and they are now the children.

[mizzwanned]

I do not know anyone with Alzeimers but I am very sorry for what you are going through and I will pray for your mom. It must be so difficult to experience this, i am so sorry

[KathyinCali]

I'm sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family...

[Shadow]

Originally Posted by Nancy1999

I feel for you, my mother had it. I agree with the others, contact the Alzheimer's Association. One of the best tips I learned in dealing with Alzheimer patients is distraction. When they are upset and scared about real or imagined things distract them. Saying things like, "what sounds good for dinner", or asking a question about something they use to be especially interested in. I would bring up old stories that I knew she was fond of telling. It so simple, it's hard to believe it works, but it does. Really, if you can remember to use this one tip your life will become 100% more manageable, and be sure to teach it to your father. Once of the hardest things for you will be the changing role, you are now the parent, and they are now the children.