What do you do about bullying?

[SugarMama]

I didn't want to steal Graylene's thread about the biting incident so I'm starting a new one.

I taught my kids to be nice to everyone, always share, follow the rules, etc...everything we want others to do to us...well, now she's being bullied at school because the kids know they can pick on her and there won't be any consequences because she won't be mean back to them. I'm to the point now that I'm going to have to call her teacher to have her keep a close eye on things and see if she can give me any suggestions. Also, Abby wants to be everybody's friend and she doesn't want anyone to be left out so she tries to play with everyone. This backfires because after a few weeks of school all of the kids have paired up w/ one other kid and Abby's left w/out anyone to play with. It happens everywhere, school, gymnastics, soccer, the neighborhood...it's so upsetting. Abby just forgives everyone and smiles at them, then on the way home she cries because she had the "worst day of her life and no one will play with her or someone called her a name or hit her or bit her (yes, a 7 yr old bit her at gymnastics!)". If I had to do it over again I don't know if I would ask her to be so compassionate and caring...yes, I would...I just wish there was a way to make her understand that these kids are in the wrong and that she's right to be nice. My younger daughter is learning how to not get picked on and I'm having to work w/ her because she stands up for herself too much sometimes. I try to explain to Abby, my oldest (7), that she can't let them get to her. She can't give them her "power" by letting their comments hurt her. She knows she's not a loser (church sponsered soccer team!) and she should just ignore those people who call her names. I've given her permission to NOT be friends w/ people who are mean to her. Even when they're mean to her she thinks she still has to try to be friends with them. She's actually on anxiety med. now because in Kindergarten she started having such bad seperation anxiety. Her pediatrician said that it was most likely from bullying and that kids w/ personalities like Abby are usually the targets of bullies because they won't fight back.

I'm trying to find a bible study for young kids that addresses some of these issues.

Her gma (my MIL) took her to her soccer practice last wk because my other daughter was sick. My MIL overheard Abby's "friend" call her a loser & some other names. Well, when they got home Abby told me that Gma told her to tell the little girl that she was a bigger loser...Abby knew we don't treat people that way so she didn't do it. I told her, no, but don't listen to her and don't talk to her anymore. Just ignore her and in your mind you can say, "Haley's a poopy-head". I explained she can't say it out loud, but she can think it. I don't even like that, but I thought that since that's a forbidden expression in our house that it might make her laugh and break some of the tension. I'm about ready to tell her to just let someone have it so that they'll leave her alone. I don't know what to do and I'm worried sick about her every day. Right now she still loves school but I'm not sure why. She hangs out w/ the recess aid for most of the recess because she relates better to adults (because they aren't mean to her) and she's a pretty mature little 7 yr old. She needs to be playing and making friends though. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions? Sorry for the extra long post. Thanks!

[TobyIIsMom]

I just want to say I hope everything gets better for your daughter. Kids can be cruel. Unfortunately, not all parents teach their kids the same way. But I agree with your teachings. I wish I had some suggestions, but I don't have any kids and I'm not quite sure what I would do in that situation. Hopefully, others will have some good suggestions.

[Yorkiekids]

Your teachings are very good, however not all parents raise their children the same way. I think you need to teach her that it's not ok for people to be mean to her. Find things that she can say back without being a bully herself. It won't be easy, but I'm sure you can think of somethings for her to say. I was bullied at school really bad, and my mom landed up having to go to their parents home to talk to them, as well as the principal. After a while it stopped, but that was some 50 years ago. I don't know how people would take it now if you talked with them, but it's worth a try for her sake.

[Bruce's_Mom]

Hmm, I obviously do not have any experience with child rearing, so I may have no room to talk, but I do have experience being a child that was in a somewhat similar situation. What I learned from never reacting to people when they were rude and hurtful was to be a people pleaser and that the feelings of others were more important that my own feelings. This carried on to my adult life, where I often had a hard time setting appropriate boundaries, defend myself, etc. Essentially I spent a lot of time being an emotional punching bag for others. Habits kids pick up as kids stick with them longer than you may think, they just often take a new form.

It is great to teach your kids compassion, but I think that kids need to see there is a difference between having compassion for a person and justifying their bad behavior based on "being a bigger person" or showing compassion. I do not even think there is anything particularly compassionate about not addressing inappropriate behavior another person exhinits, because it just reinforces the behavior and gives them no incentive to change.

I think there is a line between defending one's self against a bully and bullying a bully back, that would allow kids to take the high road but still express that their feelings are valuable and other kids should not treat them badly. I mean what would be wrong with saying something like "Hey [insert name] do not call me a loser, I am not a loser." At least that is showing that you are assertive enough to respond, but you are not saying anything to degrade the other person.

I hope no one thinks I am critisizing, because like I said I do not have any kids, it is just that I think the "always ignoring" approach can sometimes have bad effects as well. I think that a child can be both kind and assertive at the same time.

[jp4m2]

I feel so bad for Abby..that little angel is trying so hard to be everyones friend...Does she have one or two people that are really her friends?...

If she's being physically hurt I definitely would see the principal, she's there for an education not to be assaulted.....

It sounds like she is in a lot of after school programs or sports, invite a couple of those "friends" over for some kind of gathering, then she can form a stronger bond with the girls, at this point she's going to have to go the extra mile to make an effort to connect...

I've heard that kids who take up some form of karate class have an improvement in their self esteem because it reaches them confidence, self control and you have to do yelling, so it will bring out her assertive voice she keeps locked inside....

I would have suggested buying her a journal but being only seven that might not work....I'm sure some other members will have some more helpful advise in this area for you...Good luck and I hope Abby starts making more friends soon...

[Mybabyboymax]

Im so sorry that she is going through such a hard time. I know exactly how you feel, it breaks our heart as parents to know our children are being treated badly and are feeling left out and being bullied. I have 3 of my own so I can relate. I think you are handling it very well by talking to her and explaining to her how she should handle the situation. I would def talk to her teacher and ask if she could address to the class how important it is for all the children to treat each other nicely and play together. If it is one child in paticular that is bothering her I would also speak to the childs mom. My daughter went through the same thing and she was 7 also, when the childs mother came to pick her up from school I approached her very nicely and we stood talking for almost 30 minutes! she had no idea that her little girl was treating my daughter that way and from that day on, no problems again. I really do think talking to the mom is important. Ofcourse now shes 12 and if she had problems at school im sure she wouldnt want me to approach the mother but at 7 she was all for it LOL
Its sad to say but some kids are so mean and the worrying never ends!

[SugarMama]

I have tried to get her to stand up to people and to tell them that it's not acceptable for them to talk to her that way, or to tell the neighbor girl that if she can't be nice that she won't play with her but I can't get her to do it. I'm also a people pleaser and never want to rock the boat - from trying to keep the peace when I was a kid. When I worked I always wished that I knew how to stand up for myself more. I don't want Abby to feel that she will always get her way or that things will always go smoothly, but I want her to learn how to handle it when things don't work out like we want them to.

I never thought of the yelling portion of karate. That might be a good idea. Maybe I'll see if she wants to switch from gymnastics to karate for a while.

If you ask Abby, she'll say she has friends, that's because she thinks everyone is her friend. When I ask her who she played w/ at recess she says she talked to Mr. Fisher, the recess aid. I ask why she didn't play w/ any kids and she says that everyone told her no. I'm sure not "everyone" told her no, but that's how it feels to her. I've told her that she doesn't have to ask permission to join in a game, she just needs to jump in there and play.

They teach the core values at school, but when the kids aren't learning them at home it doesn't really sink in.

I'm going to talk to her teacher and see if she can give me any suggestions for who she thinks would be a good match for Abby. Someone w/ the same values as Abby. Then I'm hoping to invite the little girl over for a play date and try to foster a friendship between them. I'm so glad that I have two girls and that they're only 22 months apart. They really are best friends and I tell them all the time that they'll always be there for each other.

[altigger74]

I'm going through that with my oldest son. He's 12. He is the type of kid that gives everything he has to other kids because he thinks they will be his friends. He's had problems since first grade with kids. The first two or three years it was not too bad. I taught him that he needs to ignore the bullies, if that doesn't work give them three warnings, 1. tell them to stop and leave you alone, 2. tell the kid to stop or you will tell the teacher/one in charge and then go tell, 3. do what you need to do to make them stop and that I will back you up. I know it sounds harsh to allow him to possibly fight with the bully but as a mom I want to get in touch with the school about it but I KNOW it will make life worse for him. This year is a new bully. All the ones in the past stopped bothering him when he would ignore them, but this one is getting violent. Ripping his books, throwing his lunch on the floor, pushing him...... I'm terrified as a mom but I remember bullies and my son begged me not to tell the school because there is no outward proof of course. So i told him to take care of it the best way he knew how, sometimes you have to fight fire with fire and that he would get in trouble with the school when it came down to it but he was not and will not be in trouble with us.

There's not much else I can do. Bullies are sneaky and vindictive. It tears my heart out to think he's going through this but I have to give him a chance to stand up for himself before mommy steps in. Because in JR high that is not the best thing to do.

[MeganS]

I'm so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. It's so horrible. I don't really know what you can do, because I'm not a Mom. I guess you just have to keep telling her that it's OK to say things back to them, as long as she isn't mean. She just has to tell them that it's not nice to say things like that to other people, or whatever she feels comfortable saying. You might try asking her what she's thinking when the kids treat her like this, and build off of that to see what she can do or say.

I used to only hang out with the adults too, because I always felt more comfortable around adults (I still do in certain situations). But that's something I've outgrown, so hopefully she will as well.

[SugarMama]

I tell myself that at least I know she'll be able to communicate with other adults when she grows up because she's started at such a young age. I just wonder what she'll be when she grows up. She could be a wonderful psychiatrist, pediatrician, teacher, nurse, etc because she has such a compassionate soul. What I would like to do is go to the school and yell at all of the kids and tell them that they could all learn a lesson from Abby in how to treat others. I actually did tell 2 of the neighbor girls that on Saturday...I said it in a nice way, but I was steaming on the inside. Thanks for all of your ideas and concern. Sometimes it helps just to get it off my chest and I can't do that in front of her.

[PANAMA69]

So very sorry you and your child have to go through this I myself was target when I wal little of bully kids it help a lot the open comunication I had with my mom, let me tell you is very scary situation for the kid who is been bully I will be praying for you and your girl

[Chelsey]

I'm so sorry to hear your daughter is being bullied. Kids can be very cruel, it is a good idea to step in, and go speak to the teacher, or the principal. The problem is, it's the sad kids that bullie others, but the thing is, your daughter is going to think, they are more important then her. If you dont step in now, this will continue well into JR high.

Good luck!

[SugarMama]

I just returned from Bible study, we weren't supposed to meet today but decided to anyway. We've been studying the book of John but since this was an unscheduled day our leader assigned us each verses about prayer. Mine was Col 4:2. The verse was a good one, but what touched me the most was some additional info on the page. It was like I was led to this page of the Bible to help guide me. The list is a list of Sins vs. Signs of Love. I'm going to put the list of signs of love in a Word doc, title it - Rules of Life, print it and post it on my fridge to help me remember that I am teaching my girls the right things. Here are the Rules of Love:
Compassion
Kindness
Humility
Gentleness
Patience
Forgiveness

These are the very things that make Abby an easy target to get picked on, but I don't want her to change her ways. She is following the rules, they aren't, they need to change, not her. Now, my mission is to help her stand up for herself in a way that doesn't go against her basic nature and to help her to not lose her self-esteem due to these children. Also, I'm struggling with how to make myself show grace to these other children and to follow the rules of life as it applies to my dealing with them. I need to take a lesson from my daughter.

[littlewhip]

Iam sorry abby is getting picked on I know how you feel, my daughter was picked on in high school to the point of dropping out, Im like no way in hell is that going to happen, girls can be the meaniest, she wad affraid to even walk the halls, It breaks our hearts as parents to see them so unhappy, and it can reflect on there grades, talk to the teachers , I did even though my amy ( daughter) didnt want me to, I called her councler and he assured me he would take care of it, well the harrasment stopped and now she will be graduating next yr, I hope things get better for you all hugs to

[adorame]

I know all to well how you feel. I have 4 boy's and my third one was born 3 months early, Lincoln is 11 now but very little still he is in 6 grade and first graders are taller then him! He also has speech apraxia and ADHD. He gets a's and b's in school, He is a sweet kid and he has a hard time making friends at school. His younger brother Garrett was 3 months early but he does not have all the problems that Link has. He is 4 inches taller then Lincoln and he outweighs him by 15 lbs! Garrett play's with him at recess because he get's sad to see him left out.

I have had kids over at my house to play with the other 3 kids and they have called him "retarded" I went out the door and asked the kid to repeat what he just said to my son, I told them if they want to come over and be friends with Lincoln's brother's that it is fine, but I will not have anyone hurt Lincoln's feelings and They will not be allowed over ever! I asked him to go home for the day and think of how feelings are hurt with calling other's name. He has never been mean to Lincoln again. My oldest son Mason go into it with one of his friends once when they made fun of Link too. He said he did not need friends that did not have manners! he said that he knows his brother is not retarded but even if he was, people have no right to make fun of others that have health problems, it could easily of ben them that was born that way.

It's hard not to yell at the mean kids and you wonder how they are being raised to be heartless little brats! I have talked with a few kids parents that have bullied Lincoln and a few parents were horrified to learn that their kid was so mean!