I Am Devestated (warning pretty long)!

[Bruce's_Mom]

Well folks, I sincerely appreciated all your advice and kindness...After about a week of feeling like poop and Mr. Jerk deciding that he wanted me again, then confessed he was with someone else, then tried to take it back and wanted me again, and I had it. I told him for the first time in this entire four years to get lost. It has been really hard for me to not call or email him, but I am thus far staying pretty strong with it.

I do agree as many of you had suggested something very wrong with me as well in this situation. It started out as a sort of need to try to care for this man, and I thought the problem was he had never had anyone that really cared for him. Eventually he just wore me down the things he did eventually took a pretty heavy tole on my self esteem until it got to the point that I was unable to judge the situation realistically. I started blaming myself for the way he treated me so eventually the relationship became sort of this wierd chasing game in which I was constantly try to be good enough for him.

In a lot of ways I became isolated as well, because he would constantly veer between being extremely possesive and jealous or aloof and unaffected by anything. Eventually to be honest it embarrassed me, so I avoided people. Truth be told I was afraid of what sort of mood he would be in because he is sort of a dual personality and everything really depends a lot on his moods. He was always either exceptionally charming or exceptionally cruel, no matter what he was always very convincing and could always sort of con and manipulate me. The relationship would always swing from great emotional distance to extreme closeness. He would humiliate me intentionally rather frequently. I just felt trapped basically.

I think it is going to take me a long time to work out these issues. I also think that I will likely need to seek a therapist to help me with this. Let this be a cautionary tale to all ladies out there run, do not walk, away from a guy at the first sign he may be a wierdo!

[Tiggerwit]

Wahoo!! Good for you. You can do it and I think talking to a therapist is an excellent idea. Big hugs. Remain positive

[labrown]

ALRIGHT!!! You are going to feel so good when you wash your hands of this guy! And don't give in! You are obviously strong enough to get through the stress of LAW SCHOOL, let alone with this monkey on your back! You need some YOU time to figure out what you want. I spent two years giving no one the opportunity to be anything more than friends with me, and I learned how to be my own best friend. I learned a lot about friendship in that time, because I have some great friends, and I needed to be of clear mind to realize that. Then I just stumbled upon someone that I didn't even know could exist! I had no idea that men came this good, and it took NOT looking for it for this to happen to me. I know that there are good level headed men out there that treat women well, because I have two brothers and a father that are that way, and they all learned from my amazing grandfather, God rest his beautiful soul. They still exist, and don't let this unstable dude drag your amazing a$$ down!!!

Lots of feminist love!!!

[BabyFidgette]

Listen girl, you have put up with TOO much sh*t with this man! Take it from me, being alone is NOT bad. I love the single life! It also helped after I read this book: He's just not that into you. Now, I'm NOT a reader, but I couldn't but this book down. Please, don't fall for his crap again. Move on and don't talk to him. He's not treating you the way you deserve.

[BabyFidgette]

Originally Posted by celstu1

Girl,
I spent 10 years with a guy. From 19 until 28 years old. We broke up 2x in those 10 years for about 9 months each time. He heard I was doing something drastic, dating someone else, moving away maybe and he was right back up my A$$. I took him back. After the 2nd time we bought a house even though I didnt want to, I wanted to get MARRIED. He wouldnt even talk about marriage... stupid me (at 25) thought that marriage would follow the house so i went along and bought the house. Well almost 2 years later he DOES propose. We start planning the wedding... get the hall, DJ, photographer, my dress, bridesmaid dresses, decorations, etc.... and he decides he does not want to get married. So he breaks up with me, leave ME to meet with all the vendors and cancel the wedding... so I make him prepare the house for sale, all while not living there (kicked his sorry butt out) and we sell the house and I bought my own place. Its been 2 years since we broke up. (Oh the b*stard took the ring back too... it was worth $11,000 - would had made a nice downpayment for a new car!!!)
Anyways, I BARELY made it through the 2nd break up emotionally. In b/t when we were together he was always threatening to leave. Or hed get mad and leave for a night. He made me feel like it was all my fault and most of the time I felt like I was going crazy. In my head I barely knew my A$$ from my elbow.

Finally it clicked. The last breakup.... that was IT for me. The final straw. It was SOOOOOOOO HARD! I cried as I packed up the house, I cried as I signed the paperwork at the closing. I cried the next day as I signed the paperwork to my brand new (beautiful) townhouse. I cried unpacking the truck. I pretty much cried morning, noon and night! But no matter who asked me ... my answer was always "I AM FINALLY DONE!" no matter how sad I was. I would not EVER put myself through this again.

The years slide by soooooooo quickly. You have been with this guy off & on for 4 years. Imagine if you let him go 2 years ago?? You'd be over him by now. And trust me you WILL get over him!! Imagine that????

Its more painful to stay IN the situation than it is to finally set your resolve to be out of it. Yes initially getting out is HELL ... BUT you get over it. You do! However if you stay in it, you are always unsure, your selfesteem suffers, you suffer, your sense of self-worth suffers... you lose the ability to trust, to be honest to yourself and then you start to HIDE all the things that he does wrong that you know your family & friends would disapprove of, or that embarrass YOU cuz you are still with him and you know hes a D*CK! It becomes not worth it... and the years slide by as you are living them in shame of who you are and what you've become just to keep some sub-par relationship with some idiot of a guy.

don't let it happen! (((HUGS)))

Something similar happened to me! We moved in together and got engaged. He proposed, and get this...we would have been married 2 years today, which I just realized right now (Aug 27). LOL See how much I give a crap, hugh? He also left me with all the cancellations and such. My mom lost so much money. But I'll be damned if I would have given him back the ring! He paid about $8500 for it and I kept it since HE broke it off. I sold it back to the jeweler for less than half of that when I was "ready." Now I'm SO glad we didn't get married b/c I am so happy and better off without his crap. So, to the original poster, celstu1 is right. You WILL get over it. Hugs to you!

[BabyFidgette]

Originally Posted by bren

Don't quote me on this but a friend of mine, who is also an attorney, said that you are required by law to give the ring back unless it was given on a holiday. If the ring is given on a holiday, it is viewed as a gift. If it is given on a non-holiday, it is viewed as a contract and if the contract is broken he gets the ring back. Some guys may not push the issue, but if he went to court over it, you would be required to return the ring.

I believe it's different in each state. In Jersey, yes, the ring is a contract. But if HE breaks the contract, you get the ring. Glad I live in Jersey.

[BabyFidgette]

Originally Posted by celstu1

Yes... I couldnt keep the ring, he didnt give it as a 'gift' on a holiday. Therefore it was still technically HIS ring until we got married, then it becomes mine forever. I was going to take him to court for it, but after speaking to an attorney about it... I found it he would have won hands down! Believe me, I did NOT want to give him the ring back! BA$TARD!!

That sux. My ex even told me he wouldn't dare ask for the ring back b/c he bought it for me. That was probably his way of feeling "better" about breaking off the engagement.

[BabyFidgette]

Originally Posted by RowdysMom

Hun,
You need a good therapist to help you figure out why you keep doing this to yourself. Seriously. You need to extricate yourself from this person. Oh and he needs a therapist too, but that is NOT your problem.

Do yourself a HUGE favor - STAY AWAY FROM HIM. Don't take his calls, don't answer the door, don't listen to him. He is pathological.

<<<<<HUGS>>>>>

Therapy is what helped me get over Mike. One day I had a "revelation." LOL It works wonders. So does depression meds.

[BabyFidgette]

Originally Posted by Bruce's_Mom

Well folks, I sincerely appreciated all your advice and kindness...After about a week of feeling like poop and Mr. Jerk deciding that he wanted me again, then confessed he was with someone else, then tried to take it back and wanted me again, and I had it. I told him for the first time in this entire four years to get lost. It has been really hard for me to not call or email him, but I am thus far staying pretty strong with it.

I do agree as many of you had suggested something very wrong with me as well in this situation. It started out as a sort of need to try to care for this man, and I thought the problem was he had never had anyone that really cared for him. Eventually he just wore me down the things he did eventually took a pretty heavy tole on my self esteem until it got to the point that I was unable to judge the situation realistically. I started blaming myself for the way he treated me so eventually the relationship became sort of this wierd chasing game in which I was constantly try to be good enough for him.

In a lot of ways I became isolated as well, because he would constantly veer between being extremely possesive and jealous or aloof and unaffected by anything. Eventually to be honest it embarrassed me, so I avoided people. Truth be told I was afraid of what sort of mood he would be in because he is sort of a dual personality and everything really depends a lot on his moods. He was always either exceptionally charming or exceptionally cruel, no matter what he was always very convincing and could always sort of con and manipulate me. The relationship would always swing from great emotional distance to extreme closeness. He would humiliate me intentionally rather frequently. I just felt trapped basically.

I think it is going to take me a long time to work out these issues. I also think that I will likely need to seek a therapist to help me with this. Let this be a cautionary tale to all ladies out there run, do not walk, away from a guy at the first sign he may be a wierdo!

Good for you. Stay strong. You WILL be better off. And I'm the same way. I feel like I have to "help" my boyfriends. It's about time YOU get all the attention.

[RowdysMom]

Hi Bruce's Mom!

So glad to hear about your decision! Stand firm and

CALL THAT THERAPIST TOMORROW (if you haven't already). Don't put it off - he is sure to contact you again - too much history of that, so do what you need to do to be strong and get your life back together!

MAKE THAT CALL!!! You CAN do it!!!

[jp4m2]

Bruce's mom , I'm so glad you have updated us on your situation......please try not to beat yourself up, the important thing is you have reached your limit and are doing something positive and constructive about it....it could have been way worse..... could you imagine if you had married this POS and had him as a father for your kids, you and your kids would have needed a team of therapists..

Every day you stay away from him you'll gain more and more clarity of what you have been through for the past few years...after awhile you'll probably get angry and want to kick his a$$ for all the crap he's tried manipulating you with.....you have made an important first step, a change in attitude....your probably sick and tired of feeling sick and tired, fed up, frustrated, worn down, & worn out.... and you're probably starting to really hate this guy....good for you if you are!!....that hate can be very motivating

It's not going to be a smooth road, you may have weak moments and want to give in and go back to the familiar, when that happens just go back and reread the first post you did...that should snap you out of it....

This juvenile delinquent was a fixer upper and no woman should be applying for that position....

Good luck and stay strong, I'm very proud of your enlightenment....


.

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by BabyFidgette

Listen girl, you have put up with TOO much sh*t with this man! Take it from me, being alone is NOT bad. I love the single life! It also helped after I read this book: He's just not that into you. Now, I'm NOT a reader, but I couldn't but this book down. Please, don't fall for his crap again. Move on and don't talk to him. He's not treating you the way you deserve.

hey girl... I am 1 month older than you almost to the day... I am single and LOVING it!!! I am not looking for anyone at all.... I was in a relationship from age 19 - 28... when that broke up it was a lot of heartache and growing up I had to do. Am still doing. I read that book also... its pretty good!!! Ive had to learn to live alone and be independant, but I love it. I bought a nice townhouse and i have my pups and I have such a busy life I rarely EVER feel lonely! Sometimes I wish that our engagement was still on (well we would have been married by now) and that the whole breakup didnt happen.... but I don't wish for just any relationship or another relationship, not right now. I am just enjoying being on my own!

[Bruce's_Mom]

Originally Posted by RowdysMom

Hi Bruce's Mom!

CALL THAT THERAPIST TOMORROW (if you haven't already). Don't put it off - he is sure to contact you again - too much history of that, so do what you need to do to be strong and get your life back together!

I did make the call, but only after he contacted me again...I have pretty much blocked him from all personal accounts, etc, but I neglected to see if that could be done here at work, and arrived to this.

Dear Allison,
I want you to know that I love you, and always will. I hope you understand that it is just too emotional for me to think that after all our time and history together you are willing to just toss me aside. Sometimes when you are like this it makes me feel as though I never meant anything to you. I guess I am going to have to move on with my life now, the good news is I have met someone very special. In a way she reminds me of you, only better in every conceivable way. When you decide not to be so immature about this contact me, because it is just ridiculous to me you would throw even our friendship down the toilet.

Love you Always,
Brian

Needless to say that was enough to make me pick up the phone that moment. He makes me feel as though I am crazy, and it really is having a negative impact on other parts of my life...CHEERS TO THE SINGLE LIFE!

[BabyFidgette]

Originally Posted by Bruce's_Mom

I did make the call, but only after he contacted me again...I have pretty much blocked him from all personal accounts, etc, but I neglected to see if that could be done here at work, and arrived to this.

Dear Allison,
I want you to know that I love you, and always will. I hope you understand that it is just too emotional for me to think that after all our time and history together you are willing to just toss me aside. Sometimes when you are like this it makes me feel as though I never meant anything to you. I guess I am going to have to move on with my life now, the good news is I have met someone very special. In a way she reminds me of you, only better in every conceivable way. When you decide not to be so immature about this contact me, because it is just ridiculous to me you would throw even our friendship down the toilet.

Love you Always,
Brian

Needless to say that was enough to make me pick up the phone that moment. He makes me feel as though I am crazy, and it really is having a negative impact on other parts of my life...CHEERS TO THE SINGLE LIFE!

That one email right there shows me what an arse he really is. He says he loves you BUT has to throw in your face that he found somebody else? Give me a break!!!

Now, what did you do? Did you ignore him? I would suggest ignoring him. But if you just can't, I'd write him back and say...I'm glad you found somebody else, so have I. So stop writing me and let's move on.

Stay strong, you can do it! You are better than his crap!

[BabyFidgette]

Oh, one more thing. You can't be friends with him. Not right now, anyway. So don't let that last line bother you.

And for him to say she is better than you? I'd be pissed! eff him!