The "I need a laugh" thread

[veguroev]

Bobbit Family Update



In a recent Channel 4 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with .
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A Misdewiener!

[*sophie's mama*]

These are hilarious! I am laughing so hard!

[Hokule'a]

OMG guys, thanks for making me laugh - I have had a horrible week at work and needed to just relax and crack up

[veguroev]

Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent,
self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating
ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant
meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said;" Elegant Lady, I was
once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.

One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young
prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up
housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my
meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateul and
happy doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sauteed frog
legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and
thought to herself:

I DON'T FREAKIN THINK SO.

[veguroev]

Today be my baby girl's 18th birthday I be so glad that dis be my last child support payment! Month after month, year after year, all dose payments! So I call my baby girl, LaKeesha, to come to my house, and when she get here, I say, "Baby girl, I want you to take dis check over to yo momma house and tell her dis be the last check she ever be gettin' from me, and I want you to come back and tell me the 'spression on yo mama's face."

So, my baby girl take the check over to her momma. I be anxious to hear what she say, and bout the 'spression on her face. Baby girl walk through the door, I say, "Now what yo momma say 'bout that?" She say to tell you that "you ain't my daddy" .... and watch the 'spression on yo face"!!!

[veguroev]

A beautiful young blonde woman was so depressed over her failed Broadway acting career that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. "Look, I?m off to Europe tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I?ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Europe, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Europe."

"I see," the captain says.

"Plus," she adds, "he?s screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[NIKITA & LILO]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party.


After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those
who remained talked about their kids.


The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at
a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business
Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the
company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for
his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot.
Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich
that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said, "Well, thats terrific! My son studied in the best
universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a
multimillionaire. He also gave away somethign very nice and expensive to his best friend for
his birthday, a 30 000 square foot mansion."


The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned
from the restroom and asked, "What are all the congratulations for?"


One of the three said, "We were talking about the pride we feel for
the success of our sons. "What about your son?"


The fourth man replied, "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a
stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said, "What a shame.... what a disappointment."


The fourth man man replied, "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I
love him. And he

hasn't doen too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30 000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line
Mercedes from his three boyfriends."

[AMD]

The Idiot Report........

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency
room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

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A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

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Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems
the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught
on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out
here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which
I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled
knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when
the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people
doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the
company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun
We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just
looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

[NIKITA & LILO]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrYRY6kx550

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWkZ_StRjU0

[Little Bit]

What's Irish and stays out all night, every night? Answer: Patty O'Furniture.

[bkessler]

Originally Posted by Lou

Gassy Granny

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. The farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"
The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts - although still silent - stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing..."

That was a funny joke.. I've heard it before but forgot the punchline!!