Missing or Broken stuff all the time!!

[celstu1]

UGH I need some advice!

So my BF has 2 kids, they are both boys, one is 17 and the other 14. I moved in with him in June and we have the kids 50% of the time. Since I moved in the causalities of stuff is endless! I try to talk to BF and he gets defensive but he has to be blind to not think the kids handle things WAAAYYY too roughly.

So far what I can remember off the top of my head is, they somehow lost the back part of where the batteries go in my exercise bike. The crockpot is broken, the broom disappeared and now the new broom is completely broken in 1/2. The dishes are all chipped, the brand new dining room set, one of the chairs is completely busted. A cookie sheet is missing, my potato masher is gone, 2 veggie peelers are gone. They broke the recliner couch downstairs, their Wii is broken, oldest son broke 2 car keys in less than 6 months of driving (I never broke one in my life!!!), they both lost MP3 players and nice watches we bought them. The list is broken/missing things is endless!!!

BF tried to hide the broken broom from me, probably knowing I'd be mad because I just can't understand how and why all these things are turning up broken or missing!!! He is defensive of them and can't believe that I know the things they have broken. I'm honestly tired of going to get something and it's broken or missing!

How do you talk to the kids or make this stop? They do not show any remorse for the things they break or lose. The 14 year old will say "It was JUST a broom" like it's nothing... oh how am I supposed to sweep the floor now? I have to go to the store, spend MY money on another one, so instead of just being able to grab the broom and sweep, its now a production! It's very frustrating to me! HELP!!!!!

[Maximo]

You have my sympathy. Sounds like my brothers. Everything is disposable, easily replaced, especially when someone else is footing the bill.

Carelessness and destructiveness aren't just a nuisance, it is a waste of money and resources. Make the case to your bf that holding the kids responsible and teaching them to value and take care of things is an act of love; it will help the kids in the long run. Teach the kids basic economics: if you have to waste money fixing and replacing everything, there is less money left over for other things they want.

[boopster]

Do they get an allowance? If so, they need to pay for the missing/broken items out of their allowances. If not, then they need privileges or "toys" taken away for a period of time, or chores. If there are no consequences to the behavior, it will never stop.

BF needs to cooperate with this, though. I wonder if he's hiding stuff from you because he's involved in the roughhousing? Some men (and women, to be fair) never grow up and don't understand that they need to be parents/role models instead of friends with their kids.

I hate to say it, but if dad isn't interested in stopping the breakage, you need to think about whether or not you can live with it. And what about your dogs? If they're being rough enough to break a chair, could one of your dogs be an accidental casualty? A crockpot can be replaced. A precious pet cannot.

[celstu1]

Well I have a rule about that. I won't let his kids stay home alone together. As long as I'm there my pups are always at my feet so they are not in harms way. But I won't leave them alone with the both the kids at home without adults there. I explained this to my boyfriend and he is ok with it. I told him that I can't take the chance that their fighting would not end up with one or both of the dogs hurt. The kids are GREAT with the dogs honestly. They love the dogs and take really good care of them and treat them very nicely. But in the heat of the moment, who knows what could happen! I won't take the chance.

[Cha Cha]

I grew up with two brothers exactly like that!!! When I got pregnant, each time I wanted a boy because that was all I knew. I got two girls, two quiet, well behaved, mild mannered girls. All I can say is God decided I had already done my time with boys. .

Good luck with that.

[kjcmsw]

The taking of the allowance is good advice - if they get allowance. But 'allowance' doesn't always have to be monetary - it can also be the use of the car, etc., privileges to be lost. The car taken to school could be worth $10 - a replaced broken crock pot $29.99 --- lost car privilege 3x.

Having raised 4 children (3 girls and the remaining child at home: a boy age 14...with ADHD - yeah, God decided to punk me!!! lol) I can assure you punishments must "hurt" - if they can't feel it, it's useless. Not hitting, they have to give up something they like as a result of their actions.
That being said, if your boyfriend allows this to go on (some parents who see their kids part time are too lenient as not to have their limited time be a constant state of punishment/stress), it's most likely always going to go on.
You can try to talk to the boyfriend and reach a compromise but if he isn't willing, you need to learn to live with it or leave it - as in a situation of 'it's me or them' you will lose (if he's a decent father). No parent should be made to choose between their significant other and their children, no decent parent would choose.
Remind yourself he's a packaged deal, just as you would want it to be if the tables were turned.
But on the bright side they've only a got a few more years and then they'll be on their own --- if you can hang on until then, the rest will be a breeze.

[Sammy Mommy]

My younger son is like that. This past week he had friends over and when I went downstairs after the kids left, one of the pictures on the wall was on the floor and the glass was broken. The bathroom door had marks on the edges. When I asked my son, I get the "so" response and the stupid look. So now he can't have his friends over. What was aggravating about it was that we had a flood 2 years ago from a broken pipe and had to re-do the basement. It looks nice and it took alot of time and effort and money to do it. Then when I get the "so what" attitude, I get so mad!! So I understand what you're going thru. I just hope my son doesn't act like that at his friends houses. Like another poster suggested, maybe taking away priviledges will make an impression. Good Luck!!!!!

[KazzyK810]

Your BF's home and your BF's kids...so he needs to be the one to discipline them. Unfortunately many dad's don't want to be the bad guy when they have the kids with them, not realizing that teaching their children respect & responsibility actually benefits their children and aids them in their progression towards adulthood.
I'm sure living with these boys, you've come to care about them. Let your BF know that. Talk to your BF about it calmly without giving the feeling that you are just criticizing his kids because then he'll only become defensive of them.

Best of luck

[DvlshAngel985]

Originally Posted by kjcmsw

The taking of the allowance is good advice - if they get allowance. But 'allowance' doesn't always have to be monetary - it can also be the use of the car, etc., privileges to be lost. The car taken to school could be worth $10 - a replaced broken crock pot $29.99 --- lost car privilege 3x.

Having raised 4 children (3 girls and the remaining child at home: a boy age 14...with ADHD - yeah, God decided to punk me!!! lol) I can assure you punishments must "hurt" - if they can't feel it, it's useless. Not hitting, they have to give up something they like as a result of their actions.
That being said, if your boyfriend allows this to go on (some parents who see their kids part time are too lenient as not to have their limited time be a constant state of punishment/stress), it's most likely always going to go on.
You can try to talk to the boyfriend and reach a compromise but if he isn't willing, you need to learn to live with it or leave it - as in a situation of 'it's me or them' you will lose (if he's a decent father). No parent should be made to choose between their significant other and their children, no decent parent would choose.
Remind yourself he's a packaged deal, just as you would want it to be if the tables were turned.
But on the bright side they've only a got a few more years and then they'll be on their own --- if you can hang on until then, the rest will be a breeze.

This sounds like good solid advice to me. Good luck to you celstu1.

[miabellaamoure]

Sounds like the boys may be reacting to the recent "addition" to the family...

It's not fun times right now by any means for you...but, boys can be a handful if they are not thrilled with a change in the family scenery. This sounds like acting out and their Dad needs to sit down with them and talk.

I hope it gets better for everyone soon!

[joeys mom]

I hope I am not to blunt in my post, but your partner needs to look into some parenting classes and counciling for the children...alot of kids will act out to get attention, and with a divorce and now a new mother figure in their life, they may be doing just this...

You said he broke two keys and apparently Dad bought a third one,, why?? That vehicle would remain parked until the kid earned the money to buy another one...If my things were broken unexplained, there wouldn't be any arguement..they would cook the meals I planned until they earned money to purchase me a new one...or they could shop the flea markets to find one compairable to the one I had..

I would set down as a group and have the boys write down the bounderies.. what the house rules are..and what is expected of them while at your house, then all parties sign. Then I would put them somewhere, (not post on the fridge at their age) but perhaps tape to the back of a cabinet door that isn't used everyday..but when a rule gets broken, you can open the cabinet and say ok guys. This is want we agreed to, because I see your signature here... Dad has to be willing to back the plan you come up with 100% and not waiver.

We done this with my husbands two girls they were 12 and 16 when moved in together. It was difficullt for them and the oldest one always just seemed to damage my things while helping out around the apartment. My husband and I came up with this plan and set down with the girls, I had to be willing to change some things to. Like have one shelf in the kitchen that was off limts to them, for my grandmothers dishes and other collectibles passed down to me. Our bedroom was off limits to get things from without asking and I would put the other things in there that I did not want to share with them, like my makeup..she tested the waters and broke one of my grandmothers baking dishes that was on my shelf..She went to the flea markets (which bty she hated) for 3 weeks looking thru space after space and even asking to find a dish that was compairable with the one she broke...she didn't work and was in high school, so it took washing, waxing and cleaning the entire car, and shampooing the carpet in the living room to earn the extra money to purchase it. She tried saying she would pay it out of her child support allowance and we said no, that was money for her upkeep, not her debit....

when she saw her Dad wasn't going to roll over and let her off the hook, and we didn't like doing it either, but her 12 yr old sister gave her crap for 4 weeks over having to be in the sun and heat for 3 hours each week looking for a stupid dish, we NEVER had another issue with my things being damaged....

This was 22 years ago, and I get a Birthday, and Mother's Day card every year..now with gift certificates!!!! Yea!!

[miabellaamoure]

Originally Posted by joeys mom

I hope I am not to blunt in my post, but your partner needs to look into some parenting classes and counciling for the children...alot of kids will act out to get attention, and with a divorce and now a new mother figure in their life, they may be doing just this...

You said he broke two keys and apparently Dad bought a third one,, why?? That vehicle would remain parked until the kid earned the money to buy another one...If my things were broken unexplained, there wouldn't be any arguement..they would cook the meals I planned until they earned money to purchase me a new one...or they could shop the flea markets to find one compairable to the one I had..

I would set down as a group and have the boys write down the bounderies.. what the house rules are..and what is expected of them while at your house, then all parties sign. Then I would put them somewhere, (not post on the fridge at their age) but perhaps tape to the back of a cabinet door that isn't used everyday..but when a rule gets broken, you can open the cabinet and say ok guys. This is want we agreed to, because I see your signature here... Dad has to be willing to back the plan you come up with 100% and not waiver.

We done this with my husbands two girls they were 12 and 16 when moved in together. It was difficullt for them and the oldest one always just seemed to damage my things while helping out around the apartment. My husband and I came up with this plan and set down with the girls, I had to be willing to change some things to. Like have one shelf in the kitchen that was off limts to them, for my grandmothers dishes and other collectibles passed down to me. Our bedroom was off limits to get things from without asking and I would put the other things in there that I did not want to share with them, like my makeup..she tested the waters and broke one of my grandmothers baking dishes that was on my shelf..She went to the flea markets (which bty she hated) for 3 weeks looking thru space after space and even asking to find a dish that was compairable with the one she broke...she didn't work and was in high school, so it took washing, waxing and cleaning the entire car, and shampooing the carpet in the living room to earn the extra money to purchase it. She tried saying she would pay it out of her child support allowance and we said no, that was money for her upkeep, not her debit....

when she saw her Dad wasn't going to roll over and let her off the hook, and we didn't like doing it either, but her 12 yr old sister gave her crap for 4 weeks over having to be in the sun and heat for 3 hours each week looking for a stupid dish, we NEVER had another issue with my things being damaged....

This was 22 years ago, and I get a Birthday, and Mother's Day card every year..now with gift certificates!!!! Yea!!

Except...it's not "her" house but the BF's and his boys. Not that that should ever be an excuse for tolerated bad behavior...but, maybe this father should consider the examples he is setting for his sons.

I know...I'm old fashioned!

[angeleyes]

I agree that the boys are acting up as their way of not approving having to share their dad. Divorce is hard for kids to deal with. No matter that they understand or not. I have 4 boys and have been through a divorce and the after affects on the kids when someone new enters the picture. Sometimes they think if they behave like that you will move out and they have their way again. The dad needs to step up and stop worrying about "being the bad guy" he feels guilty about the divorce and wants to be the friend he thinks his kids need. They don't need a friend, they need a dad to guide them and make them accountable for their actions. Sorry to say but if he can't stand up to the boys and be a father now, he never will.

[LunasMomma]

Unless your BF does something about it, it's not going to change. It's up to HIM to discipline his kids. I have 3 stepsons that used to run wild at my house, because their father allowed it, and their mother let them trash her house too. I put my foot down and refused to have them in my home until he decided to start being a father. And that IS YOUR HOME! It doesn't matter that you were the last to arrive, it's still your home. Don't back down. He's doing a real disservice to his children if he doesn't step up and stop this behavior. And those boys are plenty old enough to know better, too.

I'm sending you hugs, and hope that things get better

[celstu1]

I am not new to the picture. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now. He's been separated for over 5 years and divorced for 4.5 years.
I am also a child of divorced parents. I know what the kids feel and go through. I also have 2 brothers that are close in age and how they interacted with each other also. I am familiar with the dynamics of the situation these kids are in. I lived it too. These kids seem to respect me and I don't think they purposely break things. At least not maliciously. They more are like careless and rough with things. They roughhouse and show off for friends and do not think about what can happen to things around them. So inevitably things get broken or lost or left outside and ruined in the rain/snow.

Also, yes this is my boyfriends house I moved into. But my stuff is in it. I had more stuff than he did. Its all my furniture, dishes, wall decorations, almost everything IN the house is mine or what we bought together. I own my own townhouse but we chose to rent it out since he had a house with a pool and yard and I had a townhouse. I don't want the kids to think that HIS house is his house and I am dependent on their Dad because that is so not the case at all. His house is OUR house. My house is our rental property now.

This is what happens though, I tell BF that his son broke the broom he should buy a new broom and BF says "It was a cheap broom, I'm surprised it lasted this long anyways." Completely exonerating his son from all responsibility. How can I win that? I try to say that it does not matter the cost, but that does nothing. The kids lost their allowances LONG ago and just started getting it back and now BF will dock their allowance $1 for every thing they do that they KNOW they are not supposed to. The kids do not seem to care though. We take away things but they don't care. The only thing that seemed to work on his oldest son is taking away the car for a week. He was mad about that and since then has really shaped up quite a bit. He seems to have toned down his horrible attitude and has almost stopped fighting (physically) with his brother. Amazing! Also we own a service station and he goes there to work on cars and is learning how to do basic maintenance like oil changes and tire rotations. Its really nice to see him get involved and not be so angry like he was all the time.

In all fairness, these kids absolutely should have gone to counseling after the divorce. I pushed for that many many times. But I am not their parent. If I were, they would have been in it. A few months ago I asked my BFs oldest son if he wanted to go to counseling. I told him I was getting afraid of him and I would not leave the dogs home alone with him. He told me he wouldn't go and I told him that until he is 18 he does what he is told... we had a talk about his 'toughness' and how things are in the real world in real situations. He seems to have toned himself down a bit. Thank goodness. I always tell the kids they can talk to me if they want to. The oldest wants me to take him to get a tattoo, but I told him if his parents won't agree to it I won't get in trouble with them. He gets that totally and can't wait until he turns 18 and shows me drawings of his 'first tattoo' that he has drawn himself. He said he had to get it where his mom could not see it and mentioned along his rib cage. I said what about in the summer when you are swimming with no shirt on... he looked thoughtful so I told him that if he thinks he is man enough to mark up his body permanently then he has to be man enough to tell his mother and face her lecture or consequences. Being a man does not mean you can get a tattoo or drive or buy lottery tickets.. it means being responsible for your actions and taking the consequences whatever they may be.

aahhh I'm rambling now. ... I think I am good for these kids. I just wish they were not so rough with my stuff. I always tell them that this house is all of our house and we need to work as a team to keep it clean and nice and take care of the nice things we have in it. They should be and can be proud to say they live there because its nice.