Opinions on Disciplining HUMAN Children

[J_is_my_initial]

I have a wonderful 24 yr old dtr. I hate spanking and never did it much. Hubby would spank her if he felt she needed it. But the main thing about it was he never did it in anger. I made sure he was calm before he spanked her. I was the grounder but very lax in it. Now she treats me more like a friend than her mom. I feel she does not respect me. Her dad and her are very close and have a great relationship.
Her biggest hate was when we would talk to her about what she did that was wrong. When she was little dh wore overalls a lot. When she misbehaved while out with him, she would have to walk beside him holding on to the hammer loop. She hated that.
I can remember my mammaw swatting my behind with her house shoe once when I misbehaved. Many times she threatened to make me go out and get a switch so she could spank me. I turned out all right I think. Never thought less of her.

[Nancy1999]

Whew I was afraid to read this thread, my blood boils when I see people advocating physical punishment, the results are in, IT DOESN'T WORK! Your kids may be good around you, but they don't know how to behave in the real world. Good to know Yorkie mamas make good skin kids mamas too!

[BabyGirl Rosie]

Originally Posted by Sammy Mommy

Hitting-NO!! taking away priviledges, grounding YES!! I just had an incident with my son who is almost 19. He lost the priviledge of having his friends over until further notice. If his friends can't show respect in my house then they are not welcome here. He wasn't too happy about it but he has to learn there are consequences for our actions. Kids need discipline, guidance and boundaries. And love!!

Taking away my son's cell phone is what works. He thinks it is the end of the world!!!

[littlewhip]

Originally Posted by Nancy1999

Whew I was afraid to read this thread, my blood boils when I see people advocating physical punishment, the results are in, IT DOESN'T WORK! Your kids may be good around you, but they don't know how to behave in the real world. Good to know Yorkie mamas make good skin kids mamas too!

[RachelandSadie]

after reviewing opinions I have decided to post my own. I grew up being spanked. I was spanked with a belt, a fly swatter, a bare hand and whatever else they had close by to paddle me with. I don't feel like I was ever abused at all in any way. I feel that my parents used spanking as a tool and it was only used when something very very wrong was done. They often told me that they were going to wait until a later time to spank me, like mom was waiting on dad to come home. This anticipation of the punishment was AWFUL, but the spankings never really hurt me, they barely stung, but they sucked to have to get them and believe me they made me less inclined to do things again. I also got soap in my mouth for lying or swearing. Traditional old discipline.

Having said all that about how I grew up and not having my own children to know exactly how I will raise them or react, I don't believe that spanking/swatting is abuse at all. I think it does have it's place in certain instances. I think that if i were to teach my child that something was hot and not to touch it I would much rather swat their little hand and say NO than for them to learn the hard way and burn their hands badly. I think that at times a good butt swat might be neccessary.

How I think that I will discipline my child about 90-95% of the time is more with reason. Explaining every last detail of WHY they shouldn't make the choices that are not good for them. Esp. as teenagers they need to know WHY not to do something. I want them to be free thinkers who understand that everything in life is 100% up to their choosing, BUT choices all have consequence both good and bad. I hope to teach them what some examples of those consequences are.

And i don't ever want to be a counter parent...life doesn't offer a 1...2...3... you just get fired the first time if it's bad enough. No boss is going to say get off your cell phone 1...2...3... that's unrealistic and not a good parenting tactic IMO.

I think I will prob. be mostly reasoning and logic and rarely only if I feel it is needed be a swatter/spanker.

A friend once told me that her mother would be in the grocery store and if they acted up she would get down to their level and say, "I needed to be here and do this right now and you have ruined that for me, because you have ruined something I needed to do, I am going to ruin something that you wanted to do, so the next time something comes up that you would like to be doing you cannot go"

And that worked well for them. They learned that being naughty means that mom is upset and we hurt mom. and in turn mom won't allow us to have our fun since we messed it up for her. I really think this type of logic and reasoning. Makes sense to me and I may use some of it.

Anyways. I'm kinda middle of the road I think logic and reason are best to try but when that goes out the window a good ol' pop on the rear does the trick pretty well.

[MaddiesMommie]

The thing that worked the most for me was when I was a kid was lost privileges. I got a few spankings in my day that hurt my feelings more than any physical pain. Also, my parents always talked to me about the reasonings behind rules or restrictions, "You can't do this because..." and never "Because I said so" I learned, eventually, that when they said "no" about something, there was a reason and they had my best interest at heart.

That is some of what kids today are missing, the feeling that anyone has their best interest at heart. Wanted to add, this was a statistic I read recently in a Teaching article on discipline in the classroom:
Our children get to spend an average of 30-60 seconds in meaningful conversation with their parents each day.

[Nancy1999]

Originally Posted by RachelandSadie

after reviewing opinions I have decided to post my own. I grew up being spanked. I was spanked with a belt, a fly swatter, a bare hand and whatever else they had close by to paddle me with. I don't feel like I was ever abused at all in any way. I feel that my parents used spanking as a tool and it was only used when something very very wrong was done. They often told me that they were going to wait until a later time to spank me, like mom was waiting on dad to come home. This anticipation of the punishment was AWFUL, but the spankings never really hurt me, they barely stung, but they sucked to have to get them and believe me they made me less inclined to do things again. I also got soap in my mouth for lying or swearing. Traditional old discipline.

Having said all that about how I grew up and not having my own children to know exactly how I will raise them or react, I don't believe that spanking/swatting is abuse at all. I think it does have it's place in certain instances. I think that if i were to teach my child that something was hot and not to touch it I would much rather swat their little hand and say NO than for them to learn the hard way and burn their hands badly. I think that at times a good butt swat might be neccessary.

How I think that I will discipline my child about 90-95% of the time is more with reason. Explaining every last detail of WHY they shouldn't make the choices that are not good for them. Esp. as teenagers they need to know WHY not to do something. I want them to be free thinkers who understand that everything in life is 100% up to their choosing, BUT choices all have consequence both good and bad. I hope to teach them what some examples of those consequences are.

And i don't ever want to be a counter parent...life doesn't offer a 1...2...3... you just get fired the first time if it's bad enough. No boss is going to say get off your cell phone 1...2...3... that's unrealistic and not a good parenting tactic IMO.

I think I will prob. be mostly reasoning and logic and rarely only if I feel it is needed be a swatter/spanker.

A friend once told me that her mother would be in the grocery store and if they acted up she would get down to their level and say, "I needed to be here and do this right now and you have ruined that for me, because you have ruined something I needed to do, I am going to ruin something that you wanted to do, so the next time something comes up that you would like to be doing you cannot go"

And that worked well for them. They learned that being naughty means that mom is upset and we hurt mom. and in turn mom won't allow us to have our fun since we messed it up for her. I really think this type of logic and reasoning. Makes sense to me and I may use some of it.

Anyways. I'm kinda middle of the road I think logic and reason are best to try but when that goes out the window a good ol' pop on the rear does the trick pretty well.

Lol, who said anything about "reason and logic"? Seriously, you have to teach them that behavior has consequences, but I don't think you should "reason" with a toddler, they will win every time. There's a lot of good information available, and the why's of it are out there too. You will be sending your children a message when you discipline them; it's up to you to decide what type of message you wish to send them. I'm not a fan of "you ruined this for me, now I'll ruin something for you. In fact, telling a child they ruined anything is pretty harsh. I think the rest of the world will tear your child down, you should be a safe zone that teaches why certain actions are not acceptable in your home, but the message should always be delivered with love. Saying "I don't like this, or this is unacceptable to me" is better than "you are bad" or "you ruined this". Take responsibly of your words and use I words, instead of you words. The reason this works better is that kids are really much more sensitive than we give them credit for, and telling the YOU are something or other really hits them hard and they believe it for a long time, even if it's not true. However when you put the responsibility on yourself, then you are just telling them what you want, not what they are. Tell you kids what you like and love about them, they will live up to your words. For example, "I like it when you share, I like it when you don't hit back." Never punish when you are angry, it's okay to say, "I'm angry now, I have to think about your punishment. Kids have a great sense of fairness, and they know if the punishment is suitable to the crime. Some kids don't mind spankings, but it can damage other children's self esteem, and it mainly teaches kids that hitting is okay if you're bigger. A few spankings won't warp a child, but you should know it mainly gives the parent's a release; it doesn't help the children become better people. Your job, is to teach you child how to live and thrive when you aren't there, not just how to obey the rules. Too many adults suffer from depression, and I believe it's directly related to the way the were raised and the messages their parents taught them. Depressed adults are good people, and they follow the rules, but they often have lots of stored up anger. So you've got to decide what are my goals in raising children? What kind of person do I want them to be?

[Wylie's Mom]

Originally Posted by Ellie May

Kids need rules and discipline. I'm alll for time outs and losing privileges. Spanking? Heck no! First, we can use that as a fancy word, but the real word for it is hitting. There is no reason to hit your child. If that is what a parent has to do to get respect, I'm very sorry, but something is wrong somewhere. And when your child hits another child, what will you do then? Spank them? "You hit little Johnny and hitting is wrong, so come here and I will hit you." Whatevs. There are ways to raise a child without causing them pain.

What she said. Exactly what she said.

[DvlshAngel985]

Originally Posted by Nancy1999

Whew I was afraid to read this thread, my blood boils when I see people advocating physical punishment, the results are in, IT DOESN'T WORK! Your kids may be good around you, but they don't know how to behave in the real world. Good to know Yorkie mamas make good skin kids mamas too!

You know what's funny, my mom (the non-dog lover) said the same thing. She honestly said she could learn a thing or two about raising kids from the way I discipline and am "raising" Kaji. Yes, Kaji gets disciplined. If Kaji does something naughty like um... dumpster dive, there is a consequence. What was it? Kaji is now not allowed into the kitchen.

BUT.... in my culture we do "love taps." I'm sorry, I see nothing wrong with this. My mom does it to me, my aunts to my cousins, and now I do it with Kaji. I don't smack him around, or hit him hard, it's a light tap and Kaji always responds with a playful kiss. It's like he's always been Mexican or something, and he understands it's done out of love.

[Nancy1999]

Originally Posted by DvlshAngel985

You know what's funny, my mom (the non-dog lover) said the same thing. She honestly said she could learn a thing or two about raising kids from the way I discipline and am "raising" Kaji. Yes, Kaji gets disciplined. If Kaji does something naughty like um... dumpster dive, there is a consequence. What was it? Kaji is now not allowed into the kitchen.

BUT.... in my culture we do "love taps." I'm sorry, I see nothing wrong with this. My mom does it to me, my aunts to my cousins, and now I do it with Kaji. I don't smack him around, or hit him hard, it's a light tap and Kaji always responds with a playful kiss. It's like he's always been Mexican or something, and he understands it's done out of love.

LOL that sounds like what Cesar does where he cups his hand and jabs them on the side of their neck to get their attention! By the way, what a nice thing for your mom to say, so many moms are so competitive of their daughters, they would never admit they could learn anything from them.

[Roccosmommy]

Originally Posted by Nancy1999

Lol, who said anything about "reason and logic"? Seriously, you have to teach them that behavior has consequences, but I don't think you should "reason" with a toddler, they will win every time. There's a lot of good information available, and the why's of it are out there too. You will be sending your children a message when you discipline them; it's up to you to decide what type of message you wish to send them. I'm not a fan of "you ruined this for me, now I'll ruin something for you. In fact, telling a child they ruined anything is pretty harsh. I think the rest of the world will tear your child down, you should be a safe zone that teaches why certain actions are not acceptable in your home, but the message should always be delivered with love. Saying "I don't like this, or this is unacceptable to me" is better than "you are bad" or "you ruined this". Take responsibly of your words and use I words, instead of you words. The reason this works better is that kids are really much more sensitive than we give them credit for, and telling the YOU are something or other really hits them hard and they believe it for a long time, even if it's not true. However when you put the responsibility on yourself, then you are just telling them what you want, not what they are. Tell you kids what you like and love about them, they will live up to your words. For example, "I like it when you share, I like it when you don't hit back." Never punish when you are angry, it's okay to say, "I'm angry now, I have to think about your punishment. Kids have a great sense of fairness, and they know if the punishment is suitable to the crime. Some kids don't mind spankings, but it can damage other children's self esteem, and it mainly teaches kids that hitting is okay if you're bigger. A few spankings won't warp a child, but you should know it mainly gives the parent's a release; it doesn't help the children become better people. Your job, is to teach you child how to live and thrive when you aren't there, not just how to obey the rules. Too many adults suffer from depression, and I believe it's directly related to the way the were raised and the messages their parents taught them. Depressed adults are good people, and they follow the rules, but they often have lots of stored up anger. So you've got to decide what are my goals in raising children? What kind of person do I want them to be?

...what she said, 100%

[Roccosmommy]

One more thing...just as positive reinforcement and patience is the best form of teaching/discipline for your furbutts, it would also apply to your skin children. Hitting and violence breeds fear, anxiety and uncertainty.

[shodanusmc]

I never hit them, Marge never hit them, but boy there were a few times I sure wanted to, especially girls......Loss of privileges, grounding, and talking....and talking.

My Dad was old school, so I got whacked, but he always told me that his father was much worse. I knew my grandfather when I was a kid, and he was mean. Real mean. Mean until the day he died. I always said if I ever had kids, I would not be like them. Glad to say I am not. Well, totally not anyway.

[DvlshAngel985]

Originally Posted by Nancy1999

LOL that sounds like what Cesar does where he cups his hand and jabs them on the side of their neck to get their attention! By the way, what a nice thing for your mom to say, so many moms are so competitive of their daughters, they would never admit they could learn anything from them.

Maybe I'll post a video of Kaji getting his love taps.