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Originally Posted by RachelandSadie  after reviewing opinions I have decided to post my own. I grew up being spanked. I was spanked with a belt, a fly swatter, a bare hand and whatever else they had close by to paddle me with. I don't feel like I was ever abused at all in any way. I feel that my parents used spanking as a tool and it was only used when something very very wrong was done. They often told me that they were going to wait until a later time to spank me, like mom was waiting on dad to come home. This anticipation of the punishment was AWFUL, but the spankings never really hurt me, they barely stung, but they sucked to have to get them and believe me they made me less inclined to do things again. I also got soap in my mouth for lying or swearing. Traditional old discipline.
Having said all that about how I grew up and not having my own children to know exactly how I will raise them or react, I don't believe that spanking/swatting is abuse at all. I think it does have it's place in certain instances. I think that if i were to teach my child that something was hot and not to touch it I would much rather swat their little hand and say NO than for them to learn the hard way and burn their hands badly. I think that at times a good butt swat might be neccessary.
How I think that I will discipline my child about 90-95% of the time is more with reason. Explaining every last detail of WHY they shouldn't make the choices that are not good for them. Esp. as teenagers they need to know WHY not to do something. I want them to be free thinkers who understand that everything in life is 100% up to their choosing, BUT choices all have consequence both good and bad. I hope to teach them what some examples of those consequences are.
And i don't ever want to be a counter parent...life doesn't offer a 1...2...3... you just get fired the first time if it's bad enough. No boss is going to say get off your cell phone 1...2...3... that's unrealistic and not a good parenting tactic IMO.
I think I will prob. be mostly reasoning and logic and rarely only if I feel it is needed be a swatter/spanker.
A friend once told me that her mother would be in the grocery store and if they acted up she would get down to their level and say, "I needed to be here and do this right now and you have ruined that for me, because you have ruined something I needed to do, I am going to ruin something that you wanted to do, so the next time something comes up that you would like to be doing you cannot go"
And that worked well for them. They learned that being naughty means that mom is upset and we hurt mom. and in turn mom won't allow us to have our fun since we messed it up for her. I really think this type of logic and reasoning. Makes sense to me and I may use some of it.
Anyways. I'm kinda middle of the road I think logic and reason are best to try but when that goes out the window a good ol' pop on the rear does the trick pretty well. |
Lol, who said anything about "reason and logic"? Seriously, you have to teach them that behavior has consequences, but I don't think you should "reason" with a toddler, they will win every time. There's a lot of good information available, and the why's of it are out there too. You will be sending your children a message when you discipline them; it's up to you to decide what type of message you wish to send them. I'm not a fan of "you ruined this for me, now I'll ruin something for you. In fact, telling a child they ruined anything is pretty harsh. I think the rest of the world will tear your child down, you should be a safe zone that teaches why certain actions are not acceptable in your home, but the message should always be delivered with love. Saying "
I don't like this, or this is unacceptable to me" is better than "you are bad" or "you ruined this". Take responsibly of your words and use I words, instead of you words. The reason this works better is that kids are really much more sensitive than we give them credit for, and telling the YOU are something or other really hits them hard and they believe it for a long time, even if it's not true. However when you put the responsibility on yourself, then you are just telling them what you want, not what they are. Tell you kids what you like and love about them, they will live up to your words. For example, "I like it when you share, I like it when you don't hit back." Never punish when you are angry, it's okay to say, "I'm angry now, I have to think about your punishment. Kids have a great sense of fairness, and they know if the punishment is suitable to the crime. Some kids don't mind spankings, but it can damage other children's self esteem, and it mainly teaches kids that hitting is okay if you're bigger. A few spankings won't warp a child, but you should know it mainly gives the parent's a release; it doesn't help the children become better people. Your job, is to teach you child how to live and thrive when you aren't there, not just how to obey the rules. Too many adults suffer from depression, and I believe it's directly related to the way the were raised and the messages their parents taught them. Depressed adults are good people, and they follow the rules, but they often have lots of stored up anger. So you've got to decide what are my goals in raising children? What kind of person do I want them to be?