divorce

[Mom to Hot Rod]

Originally Posted by Nancy1999

I understand, it can be very difficult when you are the only one who's fighting for it, but I'm just saying that the way it is in most marriages that last. If he's going to AA, it sounds like he's attempting to make some major changes in his life, and he probably thinks if you weren't in his life, he could just drink and be happy. He will be going through a emotional rollercoaster the first year of abstinence, and needs to learn how to communicate his feelings instead of drinking them away. I'm just saying I highly recommend counseling because even if you decide divorce is the best thing, you will feel better about your decision, and discover what you want out of life and how to get it.

I agree with this post. Sometimes people are afraid to really deal with raw emotions and take the shortest path to a solution. You've two have probably gone thru so much together and are very tired of supporting each other that you need to take time for yourself. Constant support can be very emotionally taxing and you may not even realize just how much. Maybe a trial seperation may be what the 2 of you need for now. Each of you may need to recharge before each of you are able to help the other. Sending you good thoughts and hugs. Good luck with your decision.

[lreed]

Originally Posted by mayfateleadyou

I'm getting a divorce. It was decided today. A VERY stupid fight finally was the last step. I tried as I always do to end it and he wouldn't so I mention a divorce and he took it. I'm not crying. I think I am still in shock. My heart is so heavy I feel like a 50 pound weight is laying on my chest to where I can't breath. I have no real friends. I'm broke. I'm scared. I am honestly scared.

Try to get him to "step back". Don't know what the stupid fight was about, but some very GOOD counseling might help at this point. Finances is number one on the list of reasons people divorce; infidelity is waaaaay down the list. You both need to stop and think of all the reasons you married in the first place and see if they're still there. Saving your marriage is even more important is you have kids. The whole family suffers when there's friction and trouble in the family and even with a divorce the problems it causes will go on for yeeeeeeears (sometimes into the next generations...not fooling)! I'll be praying for you and wish you the best!

[MindieRose]

Originally Posted by lreed

Try to get him to "step back". Don't know what the stupid fight was about, but some very GOOD counseling might help at this point. Finances is number one on the list of reasons people divorce; infidelity is waaaaay down the list. You both need to stop and think of all the reasons you married in the first place and see if they're still there. Saving your marriage is even more important is you have kids. The whole family suffers when there's friction and trouble in the family and even with a divorce the problems it causes will go on for yeeeeeeears (sometimes into the next generations...not fooling)! I'll be praying for you and wish you the best!

I agree completely. There will never ever be a perfect marriage, and every single marriage has some pretty big issues at some point. I think almost everyone I know has been ready to throw in the towel at some time. The Bible even says that with marriage comes problems.

Making Marriage Work: Part One

By Mary Southerland


I once read that all weddings are happy. It's the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble. Mrs. Billy Graham was once asked, "Have you ever considered divorce?" "No," she responded. "Murder many times, but never divorce!"

You're probably just like my husband, Dan, and me. You want a great marriage, one that pleases God and draws others to him. But maybe there are times when you feel that your marriage is a tiny outpost in the middle of enemy territory and the opponent is shooting at you from every side. Perhaps you feel that your marriage has endured too much pain to survive and there is no hope left.

I know that this world is not a friend of marriage, but I also know that God certainly is. In fact, marriage was God's idea as well as his plan and design. Yes, it is hard work and even painful at times. Is it worth it? Absolutely! Dan and I have been married almost 32 years and I can honestly say that our relationship is stronger and better today than it has ever been. We have worked hard, prayed like crazy, cried and laughed, sacrificed much, and trusted God to make our marriage what he wants it to be. We are getting there and learning important lessons along the way.

Here are some lessons we've learned on the journey so far:

When the going gets tough, the tough stay right where they are.

Ephesians 5:31 says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

Commitment is the very breath of a healthy marriage. The Spanish explorer, Cortez, knew the importance of commitment and insisted on it from his men when they landed in Mexico. The plan was to invade the land of the Aztecs, but when he saw the crew's fear and hesitation, Cortez gathered them all on shore, set fire to the ships, and said, "Now there can be no turning back!" That is the kind of commitment needed in marriage.

We live in a world of "throw-away" marriages. If it doesn't work, we can always throw away the relationship and find another! Affairs of men and women in ministry headline newspapers and top the evening news. Why? We have forgotten just how serious God is about commitment.

Jesus tells the story of a man who found a valuable pearl in a field. The man immediately sold everything he had to buy the field in order to gain the pearl. If the pearl was worthless, the man would be left with nothing. He was, however, willing to take the risk and make the commitment. For marriage to be all God intends it to be, we must be willing to do the same.
Be committed to God.

Every Sunday, words of commitment roll easily off the tongues of men and women in pulpits across the world, but true commitment to God demands a radical obedience every minute of every day – no matter what – even when we are tired and caught off guard, even when it seems justified or deserved. Many marriages are in trouble because we expect our mates to meet needs that only Jesus Christ can meet, but the reality is that Jesus Christ is either Lord of all, or he is not Lord at all – and he is enough!
Be committed to your mate.

Commitment is not based on feelings, nor can feelings build a solid marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that love is the basis for marriage. Love is not the basis for marriage. Marriage is the basis for love! If you are hanging on in the midst of a tough marriage, remember God is well aware of where you are and will provide everything you need to succeed. Someone once asked Napoleon to explain his defeat at Waterloo. The warrior replied, "The British didn't win because they were better trained, larger, or more equipped. They won because they fought five minutes longer!"

Faithfulness is the foundation of true commitment and knows no boundaries in the marriage relationship. We are to be faithful physically, mentally, and emotionally. Failure in marriage is the result of wrong priorities and wrong choices. Your mate is your number one ministry, your greatest opportunity for Kingdom service. When our priorities are askew, we are operating in our own strength and wrong choices will surely follow.

I wonder what battles we have lost because we gave up just a little too soon! Hold on to your commitment to God. Hold on to your commitment to your marriage.
Accept your mate and change yourself!

Colossians 3:13-14 says, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

The marriage relationship has a certain dynamic. If one person in the relationship changes, the entire relationship must change. We keep trying to make sure that our mate is the one doing all of the change.

I approached marriage and my new husband like buying an old house. I could not wait to see it remodeled. Over the years, the Father and I have often held different points of view and had different opinions about how a marriage should be run and how my marriage should look. I once presented God and Dan with an actual list of changes I felt Dan needed to make. Neither one was pleased.

For months, I desperately tried to implement those changes – with little success. I might as well have walked around spouting, "Isn't Dan lucky to have married the Holy Spirit?" Well, let me assure you that my "Change Dan" plan did not work. In fact, the harder I tried to change things, the more set in concrete they became. Then I finally discovered the harsh reality: I just wanted Dan to be more like me!

We really can be different without being right or wrong. We need to celebrate the differences that add spice to a relationship instead of letting them rip us apart. It is almost humorous to realize that the things that we try so hard to change are the very things that attracted us to our mate in the first place. He used to be carefree, but now he is irresponsible. She used to be determined, but now is stubborn. He was once more concerned about inward qualities than outward appearance, but now he's sloppy. You get the idea!

What would happen if we unconditionally accepted our husband or wife? What would happen if we took the energy we waste trying to change our mate and used it to change our own life? Accept your mate and ask God what changes you need to make.

[celstu1]

Im sorry to hear this. Sometimes 2 people who were together when they were so young, grow apart instead of together. I met my ex when I was 19 and we lasted until I was 28. I fought for us also, he didn't care really, wanted to drink and party his life away. We bought a house and I thought he would finally settle down. Nope! After almost 10 years with him, it was decided to not move forward. Initially it was the hardest thing I EVER had to face. I didnt marry him so I didnt get divorced, but it felt like a divorce. We had assets that had to be legally split using a lawyer. At the time I wanted to just curl up in a ball and never move again. We sold the house and in my daze I somehow bought a townhouse, moved and got my 2 new puppies. (within days of each other) and literally died on my couch for months. I had friends but I didnt want to see them.

I went to work, went home, cried and tried to crochet for months. haha I never learned how to make one thing! HAHA

But slowly life started coming back to me. It will take time. But from my perspective and the way I feel now. The initial pain, although extreme fades ... but the day to day pain of being in a relationship with someone who didnt love me enough would have stuck around and make me unhappy FOREVER! So for me, getting out was the best thing I did for myself. I tried too hard for too long to save that relationship. Here I am 3 years later almost and a WHOLE new person.

Its a personal trial and a true test of your strength. Gain some strength from women around you who have gone through this. They can teach you so much. Shy away from those in rosy relationships for awhile, they won't understand at all. I had to turn away from my best friend of 15 years at the time while going through this because she couldn't understand and I felt that she did not even try. She had a new baby with her boyfriend and her life was just peachy. Oh well.. it happens.

Take care hun and make sure this is truely what you want. If you as young as I think you are, then you have a long life ahead of you with or without this man. Make sure you choose yourself FIRST, you are the only one who has to live with YOU every single day! No regrets!!

[Lexi Rae]

sweetie, been there,done that, very painful experience very painful.
you both need to sit down and talk especially if you still love him.. find out it he still loves you too and work it from there. if he doesnt, then i would
say you need to part from him, dont stay someone who doesnt want you.
it will get better... when i got divorced, i was devestated, feels like a death.
my weight went down to 94 lbs and was very depressed... i did climb my way
back up and now im a better smarter person.. think about this and whatever
decision you make, we are here for you... its not easy... you will be ok.
my x right now is separated from his wife, lives with his mom and he is
miserable. he told me he made the biggest mistake in his life leaving me,
and now, im as happy as a pig in doooo doooo. it gets better

[cindy0721]

Originally Posted by MindieRose

I agree completely. There will never ever be a perfect marriage, and every single marriage has some pretty big issues at some point. I think almost everyone I know has been ready to throw in the towel at some time. The Bible even says that with marriage comes problems.

Making Marriage Work: Part One

By Mary Southerland


I once read that all weddings are happy. It's the living together afterwards that causes all the trouble. Mrs. Billy Graham was once asked, "Have you ever considered divorce?" "No," she responded. "Murder many times, but never divorce!"

You're probably just like my husband, Dan, and me. You want a great marriage, one that pleases God and draws others to him. But maybe there are times when you feel that your marriage is a tiny outpost in the middle of enemy territory and the opponent is shooting at you from every side. Perhaps you feel that your marriage has endured too much pain to survive and there is no hope left.

I know that this world is not a friend of marriage, but I also know that God certainly is. In fact, marriage was God's idea as well as his plan and design. Yes, it is hard work and even painful at times. Is it worth it? Absolutely! Dan and I have been married almost 32 years and I can honestly say that our relationship is stronger and better today than it has ever been. We have worked hard, prayed like crazy, cried and laughed, sacrificed much, and trusted God to make our marriage what he wants it to be. We are getting there and learning important lessons along the way.

Here are some lessons we've learned on the journey so far:

When the going gets tough, the tough stay right where they are.

Ephesians 5:31 says, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."

Commitment is the very breath of a healthy marriage. The Spanish explorer, Cortez, knew the importance of commitment and insisted on it from his men when they landed in Mexico. The plan was to invade the land of the Aztecs, but when he saw the crew's fear and hesitation, Cortez gathered them all on shore, set fire to the ships, and said, "Now there can be no turning back!" That is the kind of commitment needed in marriage.

We live in a world of "throw-away" marriages. If it doesn't work, we can always throw away the relationship and find another! Affairs of men and women in ministry headline newspapers and top the evening news. Why? We have forgotten just how serious God is about commitment.

Jesus tells the story of a man who found a valuable pearl in a field. The man immediately sold everything he had to buy the field in order to gain the pearl. If the pearl was worthless, the man would be left with nothing. He was, however, willing to take the risk and make the commitment. For marriage to be all God intends it to be, we must be willing to do the same.
Be committed to God.

Every Sunday, words of commitment roll easily off the tongues of men and women in pulpits across the world, but true commitment to God demands a radical obedience every minute of every day – no matter what – even when we are tired and caught off guard, even when it seems justified or deserved. Many marriages are in trouble because we expect our mates to meet needs that only Jesus Christ can meet, but the reality is that Jesus Christ is either Lord of all, or he is not Lord at all – and he is enough!
Be committed to your mate.

Commitment is not based on feelings, nor can feelings build a solid marriage. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that love is the basis for marriage. Love is not the basis for marriage. Marriage is the basis for love! If you are hanging on in the midst of a tough marriage, remember God is well aware of where you are and will provide everything you need to succeed. Someone once asked Napoleon to explain his defeat at Waterloo. The warrior replied, "The British didn't win because they were better trained, larger, or more equipped. They won because they fought five minutes longer!"

Faithfulness is the foundation of true commitment and knows no boundaries in the marriage relationship. We are to be faithful physically, mentally, and emotionally. Failure in marriage is the result of wrong priorities and wrong choices. Your mate is your number one ministry, your greatest opportunity for Kingdom service. When our priorities are askew, we are operating in our own strength and wrong choices will surely follow.

I wonder what battles we have lost because we gave up just a little too soon! Hold on to your commitment to God. Hold on to your commitment to your marriage.
Accept your mate and change yourself!

Colossians 3:13-14 says, "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."

The marriage relationship has a certain dynamic. If one person in the relationship changes, the entire relationship must change. We keep trying to make sure that our mate is the one doing all of the change.

I approached marriage and my new husband like buying an old house. I could not wait to see it remodeled. Over the years, the Father and I have often held different points of view and had different opinions about how a marriage should be run and how my marriage should look. I once presented God and Dan with an actual list of changes I felt Dan needed to make. Neither one was pleased.

For months, I desperately tried to implement those changes – with little success. I might as well have walked around spouting, "Isn't Dan lucky to have married the Holy Spirit?" Well, let me assure you that my "Change Dan" plan did not work. In fact, the harder I tried to change things, the more set in concrete they became. Then I finally discovered the harsh reality: I just wanted Dan to be more like me!

We really can be different without being right or wrong. We need to celebrate the differences that add spice to a relationship instead of letting them rip us apart. It is almost humorous to realize that the things that we try so hard to change are the very things that attracted us to our mate in the first place. He used to be carefree, but now he is irresponsible. She used to be determined, but now is stubborn. He was once more concerned about inward qualities than outward appearance, but now he's sloppy. You get the idea!

What would happen if we unconditionally accepted our husband or wife? What would happen if we took the energy we waste trying to change our mate and used it to change our own life? Accept your mate and ask God what changes you need to make.

great advice... I wish you the best and hope this works out for the best soon.. remember god always has a plan... "what doesn't break you only makes you stronger"....hugs!

[mainegirl]

I'm sorry your in this unhappy place. I never thought marriage would be so hard. My Mom tells me all the time that the woman do 90% of the work in a marriage. It's sad and frustrating and not fair but it seems to be true I struggle with that everyday. I hope that you find a way to talk to each other and then can make the decision that will eventually make you both happy.

[Yorkieforme]

I am sorry to hear of your situation. It might be a blessing in disguise...sometimes we as women are so busy taking care of everyone else...we lose ourselves. I got divorced 19 years ago, while I was prengant with our 3rd child and I was a single parent (of three) for 15 years...It forced me to really get it together...I worked and worked and went back to school. It was not easy and we had some pretty "lean" times...but I have become a very strong and independent woman. I married a wonderful man 4 yrs ago and became a step mom to 4 boys!