Originally Posted by SincrOne  I am a therapist (counselor) who works with adolescents, and there are SO many things I want to say here. First, though, I will say that there is a difference between punishment and consequence. Punishment is easy, consequence takes time, energy, and thought. The consequence to a behaviour should ALWAYS be tied to the behavior as closely as possible. (For example a child who destroys his siblings favorite toy may lose his own toy AND have to have a discussion with a parent about why destroying the other toy was inappropriate) Additionally, intermittent reinforcement is the strongest type of behavioral reinforcement. If you are going to be too tired to confront a behavior 100% of the time, you'd do better not to do it ever. (For instance, Jonny doesn't eat his veggies Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday, and he doesn't get dessert. This results in 2 hours of crying and pouting. On Friday you don't want to listen to him cry and pout so you give him the dessert anyway...guess what's going to happen on Saturday?!!) Next, parental divide in a home creates the biggest problem of almost any I see in my practice. One parent who is working tirelessly to meet the needs of the child while one parent is noticeably absent, tyrranical and/or a combination of the 2 confuses the child/ren and leaves the home in a chaotic state. Finally, there appear to have been many changes in this child's life. Moving out of grandma's, new brother, dad's new work schedule...subtle changes to an adult, but at 8 (and younger) MAJOR life changes.
I'd suggest a couple of things. First, continue doing what you're doing in terms of maintaining stability. My hat is off to you for being such a wonderfully caring and concerned mother. Next, encourage (and I know that it's easier said than done) your husband to understand the necessity in discontinuing the yelling and screaming...it's not helping the situation any and is only serving to create anxiety in a child who already has needs. I would encourage you to sit with your sons AND your husband to discuss consequences for the most troublesome behaviors (the safety stuff, first) so that he can know what to expect...he already knows, but it will give him ownership. I have a book called Effective Parents, Responsible Children that I used years ago in parenting classes, if you'll PM me your information (I know you don't know me, but I really am trying to help), I'll try to purchase and ship you a copy.
That stuff is a start, and I'll continue to offer as much support as I can. PM me, and I'll continue to support you as needed. HTH |