I have a dilemma (long)

[Mom to Hot Rod]

I have a dilemma and would like some input on how to handle a situation. I am in my late 40s and over the years I have learned to "pick my battles", some things are worth getting upset over and others not.

Well, long story short. I'd been planning a baby shower for a dear friend and neighbor for over a year (she's had issues). She's also found out it is twins. Well, another neighbor is pregnant, first try. They are due within days of each other.

Dilemma:
Another neighbor has stuck her nose in and involved others so now they want to do a double shower. I had told this neighbor that I wanted to do this for my friend since she had such a hard time and I wanted to thank her for what she has done for me in the past and that I'd had a lot of stuff in motion already. She obviously did not take what I was saying into consideration.

I am so mad because my hopes of giving my friend her own shower after she has been trying for several years has gone down the drain.

I have backed out of the planning and just offered my help if I can do anything. But I am so mad that I cannot do this for my friend.

We live in a 13 home community and it is too small to have this going on, not to mention that she and I are immediate neighbors. And at the same time, I co-hosted her baby shower with this friend and I did not even get an invite to her daughters 1st b-day party - right next door!!!

How do I handle this? I am so angry and maybe a little hurt, but mostly angry about the shower.

Thanks for your input.

[momof4CA]

If it was me I would let the neighbors have the combined shower. This way no one will feel left out.

I would then plan a special girls day for you and your friend. Call her up and invite her to lunch, get your nails done, shopping...what ever you think she would like to do. You will have a whole lot more fun with just the two of you anyway.

[Tammyh]

I think if it's not too late I would stick to my guns and be firm and tell her you're throwing a single baby shower for your one friend and it would be great to have her (the nosey neighbor) throw the baby shower for the other friend. First of all, what about the family members of these ladies, are they now supposed to buy gifts for a woman they don't know? That could put a burden on some people. Same with the friends (if they don't know both women). How does each of the pregnant women feel about this? It sounds like this is the first child for each one, do they want to share the experience (especially the one who had such a hard time getting pregnant)? I don't know that I'd want people that I don't even know at my baby shower. Well these are just my thoughts. Good luck in however you deal with this, believe me I would be upset too.

[bchgirl]

Personally when she suggested she wanted to co host a joint shower...I would've told her no and if necessary given her the reasons you stated. This is something you wanted to do for your friend.

Since it's past that point...I'd call her up and tell her you'd decided to still have a seperate shower. Or you could participate in the joint shower but hold another with a different list of guests. I had seperate showers...some were my co workers, my friends, or just family.

In short...if you want to throw a seperate shower...then do it.

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by momof4CA

If it was me I would let the neighbors have the combined shower. This way no one will feel left out.

I would then plan a special girls day for you and your friend. Call her up and invite her to lunch, get your nails done, shopping...what ever you think she would like to do. You will have a whole lot more fun with just the two of you anyway.

This is a great answer and solution. A special day with your friend would make her feel wonderful and a joint shower will keep peace in the neighborhood. I know it stinks for you that your plans and good intentions were derailed.

[TatumsMom]

Originally Posted by momof4CA

If it was me I would let the neighbors have the combined shower. This way no one will feel left out.

I would then plan a special girls day for you and your friend. Call her up and invite her to lunch, get your nails done, shopping...what ever you think she would like to do. You will have a whole lot more fun with just the two of you anyway.

After reading all the responses, I think this is the best way to go. With such a small group of people, you don't want to short anyone out by making people choose which one to go to (not that you would have it on same day). I say go with the double shower since you're in the minority here but then have that special day with her to show your own appreciation.

By the way, I would have been ticked too.

[navygirl76]

i think momof4ca gave really great advice! thats what i would do...

[Mom to Hot Rod]

Originally Posted by momof4CA

If it was me I would let the neighbors have the combined shower. This way no one will feel left out.

I would then plan a special girls day for you and your friend. Call her up and invite her to lunch, get your nails done, shopping...what ever you think she would like to do. You will have a whole lot more fun with just the two of you anyway.

Sounds like a great idea about the special day, may just do that, thanks.

[Mom to Hot Rod]

Originally Posted by Tammyh

I think if it's not too late I would stick to my guns and be firm and tell her you're throwing a single baby shower for your one friend and it would be great to have her (the nosey neighbor) throw the baby shower for the other friend. First of all, what about the family members of these ladies, are they now supposed to buy gifts for a woman they don't know? That could put a burden on some people. Same with the friends (if they don't know both women). How does each of the pregnant women feel about this? It sounds like this is the first child for each one, do they want to share the experience (especially the one who had such a hard time getting pregnant)? I don't know that I'd want people that I don't even know at my baby shower. Well these are just my thoughts. Good luck in however you deal with this, believe me I would be upset too.

This is what I thought. Since my friend works at a small shop, I wanted to invite her boss (who is very sweet and adores my friend) and her mom who also works at the shop. I guess I just can't believe she went ahead and ignored my feelings on this. That's what is aggravating!

[Mom to Hot Rod]

Originally Posted by bchgirl

Personally when she suggested she wanted to co host a joint shower...I would've told her no and if necessary given her the reasons you stated. This is something you wanted to do for your friend.

Since it's past that point...I'd call her up and tell her you'd decided to still have a seperate shower. Or you could participate in the joint shower but hold another with a different list of guests. I had seperate showers...some were my co workers, my friends, or just family.

In short...if you want to throw a seperate shower...then do it.

Hubby says the same thing. As a small community, we have done many things together (it's good thing but sometimes it's not). All that I wanted to do was celebrate each mom and have each mom have her own special memories.

When we my friend and I co-hosted my immediate neighbors shower, I took all the pictures and then made up picture cds for the 3 of us so we could have the memories. My friend and I spent a bit of money and time on the shower since it was the first child born in our neighborhood. That's what gets me is that it seems I am the only one thinking of the moms and not what is more conveniet for the attendees.

[Mom to Hot Rod]

Originally Posted by TatumsMom

After reading all the responses, I think this is the best way to go. With such a small group of people, you don't want to short anyone out by making people choose which one to go to (not that you would have it on same day). I say go with the double shower since you're in the minority here but then have that special day with her to show your own appreciation.

By the way, I would have been ticked too.

Yeah, to keep the peace, I think your right. Thanks!

[Mom to Hot Rod]

Originally Posted by navygirl76

i think momof4ca gave really great advice! thats what i would do...

Thanks, it just irks me that even though I told her what I wanted to do, I am not going to get to do it.

[Mom to Hot Rod]

Originally Posted by celstu1

This is a great answer and solution. A special day with your friend would make her feel wonderful and a joint shower will keep peace in the neighborhood. I know it stinks for you that your plans and good intentions were derailed.

I guess I shouldn't have expected much from her since she never fully understood how hard it was for my friend to get pregnant. The neighbor was lucky and got pregnant on her 1st try.

[celstu1]

Originally Posted by Mom to Hot Rod

I guess I shouldn't have expected much from her since she never fully understood how hard it was for my friend to get pregnant. The neighbor was lucky and got pregnant on her 1st try.

I know that must be hard for your friend to hear, but it happens all the time. Some are just more 'virile' or 'fertile' than others I guess. I am SURE you will make her pregnancy special for her and I know that she knows how happy you are for her. You seem like such a thoughtful, sweet person and friend. So despite the joint shower I hope your friend can find much more happiness in her own pregnancy than jealousy in someone elses. Some of us can't or won't be able to have kids at all...

I hope that didn't sound harsh... I didn't mean for it to come out mean at all!

[Mom to Hot Rod]

Originally Posted by celstu1

I know that must be hard for your friend to hear, but it happens all the time. Some are just more 'virile' or 'fertile' than others I guess. I am SURE you will make her pregnancy special for her and I know that she knows how happy you are for her. You seem like such a thoughtful, sweet person and friend. So despite the joint shower I hope your friend can find much more happiness in her own pregnancy than jealousy in someone elses. Some of us can't or won't be able to have kids at all...

I hope that didn't sound harsh... I didn't mean for it to come out mean at all!

It did not sound harsh at all. I don't have any natural kids of my own so I fully understand the sadness of those who do not have kids for whatever reasons. My poor friend was very cautious to get excited about it all until her 1st trimester was behind her. So you can imagine how special these kids are to her. She is going to be a great Mom...she's the type of person that would/will be the house that all the kids to flock to.