The world is about to end
 

I just thought I would give ya'll a heads up so you can prepare. :p

My oldest daughter is supposed to go to a school dance this Friday. Well, today I informed her that she can NOT go. (this is half the reason the world is going to end).

She has not been doing any of the basic little chores she is supposed to do. I have either let it slide, given a gentle reminder to do it (which was ignored), or I have flat out warned her that if it didn't get done then she would not be attending the dance. She has done nothing.

Last night I asked her to put the towels in the dryer. She didn't do it. This morning I asked her again. Before she left for school I asked her if she remembered to put them in the dryer. She said, "Yes." So I just went to put a load of clothes in the washer and what did I find? The towels! So not only did she NOT do what I asked her to do, she flat out LIED to me.

So no school dance.

Now, because she won't be going to the dance, her boyfriend (which I think she is too young to have anyway) is going to hate her forever and be mad at her and probably break up with her. (this is the other half of the reason the world is going to end)

So now she is in there doing laundry. She has stripped her bed, AND her sister's bed AND her brother's bed. She has remade them with clean sheets, etc. She is busy in the kitchen making dinner. She is washing the dishes as she goes. She dried, folded and put away the towels. She cleaned the front bathroom. All of this she has done in a matter of 4 hours. So in 4 hours she has accomplished more than she has in the past 2 months combined.

I said no to the dance but now I feel guilty. I don't want to be the mean mom. Would it be bad to make her sweat until maybe Wednesday and then let her go to the dance anyway? I don't know what to do. I don't want to let her go after telling her she couldn't, but I do think I was angry and didn't think before I told her she couldn't go.

I wish kids came with handbooks.

you sound like a good mom.'

Is this a really imp. school dance, like homecoming or something? If so maybe I would let her sweat it out awhile then let her go, but make sure she knows that next time she might not be so lucky.

No, its just the little fall dance. Not a HUGE deal as far as dances go, but a huge deal to her because its her first dance that a boy actually asked her to. I don't want to ruin that for her. I don't want her to think that from now on it doesn't matter if I tell her no either.

I guess I am going to make her sweat it and then explain to her that I realize how important this dance is because its her first one with a boy and I don't want her to miss that (hopefully winning myself a few brownie points as an understanding mom), but she had better shape up around here because next time I tell her she isn't going then she really isn't going.

Well you sound just like I used to be with my kids and am now with my grandkids. I'm not saying this is what you SHOULD do but what I would do, is let her sweat it out and then let her go. My daughter and I just had this conversation today about her daughter.

I think thats a great idea!

It just makes me so mad that she can't do anything she is supposed to do until I get mad and start yelling. Then she manages to accomplish everything she is supposed to do and more. :mad:

the one good thing about this whole thing is....
when the world does end, at least your house will be clean, and the laundry will be done:D
Sounds like you have a good handle on it, I would let her go too, but I would also let her know these 2nd chances won't always be there, either.
also, just so you know, eventually they do manage to grow up and make us proud and we miss them and wish we had the Pain-in-the-Butts back again:rolleyes: and we get our yorkies cause we miss them so much!!

I'd make her sweat it out and get as much work out of her as possible

yeah, that too!!!! :yelrotflm :yelrotflm :lol tears

This sounds EXACTLY like my house. (14yr old girl) I know what you mean about feeling guilty. She ignores me until I yell, then looks at me like Im insane. I always cave in and let her go too. You really made me laugh because it sounds so familiar! You are not alone!:)

I will be honest in what I think you SHOULD do...being that you told her that her punishment was no dance, she shouldn't be able to go. Letting her go after you laid down the law (no dance) is just going to make her think that you aren't serious about the punishments and she will just repeat her actions again because "mom isn't going to do anything but get angry and get over it...she seriously isn't going to punish me" I know it hurts to punish them and not let her go to that dance but you have to stick through with the punishment that is the only way she will learn. NOW what I would do is make her sweat it out because I don't think I would make her miss the dance, I would feel awful if i did. I know im contradicting myself but I did say what "should" be done not what I would do lol. I think next time around take something away from her that you isnt a one time deal like the fall dance. Maybe take my route and use the internet. My daughter has been punished and cant go online till Nov 4th...its been about 2 weeks and shes suffering but I will not give in! see with the internet I don't feel as bad as her missing a dance lol
children don't come with instructions but you are doing a great job! as parents the mistakes we make are endless but we learn from them ;)

Well said and I agree!

i think yes she does need to learn to listen but i think it would be terrible to make her miss her first big dance i really dont think she will even get over that
mabee take away everything else

When I was in middle school my parents grounded me from a dance. I had a date and everything. They didn't cave in and I did learn a lesson. Usually I didn't complain with my punishments, (my junior year of high school they took my car away and I rode the bus) I didn't complain so I got some of my punishment taken off. My brother always argued and complained and they usually got sick of hearing it and gave in to him. If you ask my mom that is one of her biggest regrets because now he is so hard to control. :rolleyes: I think you were being a great mom!

I didn't MEAN to tell her no dance. I was mad and that is what came flying out of my mouth.

I am definitely going to make her sweat. She in there reading a bedtime story to her 4 year old sister and everything out of her mouth the last few hours has been "yes ma'am". I am going to milk this for all its worth. I feel a little guilty about making her do all of this knowing I am going to let her go anyway, but not guilty enough not to at least get the house good and clean out of the deal. lol

That is because she is testing you, and they will push you as far as they can. I would give her a list of things to do everyday until the dance and tell her if she does them she can go to the dance, and I would also give her a list of things to do everyday on regular days after the dance and tell her if you let her go to the dance she will have to do those things too, but if she does not do everything on the list and do them %100 and without complaining she will not. My daughter is 18 and I know what you are going through. That is why I think that the "daily list" is a good idea too, because it teaches them responsibility. After my daughter started doing some housework on a daily basis she started complaining about my husband and I throwing our stuff around, it was so funny. I would definetly let her go to the dance if it means that much to her, because if that boy breaks up with her and breaks her heart, she will blame you and then living with her will definetly be a challenge. Good luck.

Just a little food for thought as far as letting her "sweat it out"..... I see all the pro's and con's of the dilemma and - (as a mother of FIVE who's so far survived three teenagers - 2 of them girls - and still working on a 12 year old girl and 10 year old boy) - I would have to say.... "KEEP YOUR FOOT DOWN!!" - - trust that you'll be kicking yourself with it later if you don't!!
It's hard to enforce your word if they know they can weaken you even once!! haha!!
BUT - - in the event you do decide to "let her slide" - (and not knowing her personality, she very well may be the type of kiddo that only needs a good scare to straighten her up... this could have been it!) - and you do let her go to the dance..... the "sweat it out" thing could come back and "bite you in the bum" so to speak....
If she truly thinks she's messed up and isn't going to be able to go.... she'll of course, cry to the boyfriend... who likely will in turn, ask someone else as soon as he can!! Then you'll tell your daughter she can go.... and she'll "hate" you regardless because now she'll be going solo!!! haha..... (I don't mean to laugh... but I have SO been there!!!)
Poor thing.... I feel for you!!! Know that the hatred rarely lasts through to the next allowance due to them!!! :p

<big hugs> Good luck!!

~ Dena & Natalie ~

Dont worry Mom we get our revenge when our little "angels" have kids of their own..its hard to get them at this age to do anything..they are just experimenting with things in life for the first time..and their minds are just so preoccupied with high school..trying to become popular or liked...remember those days???? A first dance with a boy...remember that?? I do think you should let her hang though!! But..then let her go...hehe

Dawn

I would tell her since she has done a lot of chores you will let her go this time, but next time you will stick to your guns.

If she's been doing so well tonight I'd tell her tonight before she goes to bed that as long as she keeps up like she's been doing tonight she'll be allowed to go to the dance. But if she slips up once she's not going.

I think you are doing a great job. It's how I would handle it. That is, AFTER I made the mistake of threatening the dance. ;)

I just always tried never to threaten anything I didn't have the heart for, never giving them any reason to doubt me. But I understand how things come flying out before you have time to edit them. I'd do just what you're doing. .......Well, actually, I HAVE DONE what you are doing! :D

I think you should sit down with her and tell her that you've thought about it, and since she has shaped up, and this is her first dance, you've had a change of heart: she can earn her dance back. Make a bargain with her-if she can keep up with her chores as you've asked this week (and go ahead and make her a list), and promises to be better and no more lies, tell her she can go on Friday. You will let her know on Friday morning if she can go or not...that will keep her in good behavior, but you won't be playing the "make her sweat" game-it's best, in my opinion, to be open and honest about your expectations with your children.

This way, she knows what is expected of her, and if she performs, she can go. If she makes the choice not to do her chores, then no dance. Simple as that.

Perfect solution!!

Dawn

Well you have some great advice here so far. Let me give you some advice from a "bad kid who never does chores" well, at least according to my mom I was!

Let me start off by saying that I feel like I was punished WAY TOO harshly for not doing my chores. My mother decided not to take me on a trip to the Philippines while my 2 sisters went. My sisters got to meet my brother, my grandmother, my Uncle etc. I didn't get to go because I didn't do some chores. 10 years later my grandmother and uncle have passed away and I still have never met my half-brother. A punishment should fit the crime and I feel like I'm still being punished. My mother regrets all of this by the way.

Looking back the reason why I didn't do so many of the chores was that my mom always criticized every chore I did, she always went behind me and corrected it. I remember when I was 5 and I asked her if I could help fold clothes, then she said that I didn't fold them straight and that I wasn't fast enough. What is interesting is that when we were older I was the one that always wanted to surprise my parents with the house clean or with dinner, but only if they were gone so that I can clean in peace.

Anyways, the best thing to do is to keep encouraging kids to do their chores. Tell them that you appreciate what they do when they do it. Let them know why the chores need to be done and how much of a big help they are. Let them know that they need to learn how to do their own laundry because mommy isn't always going to be around.

I think that a good idea is to make the punishment fit the crime better. Make it something that will happen in real life. Have her start doing her own laundry. If she doesn't do it, then she doesn't get clean clothes! This is a REAL consequence to her actions.

Oh.. and please give her a hug and tell her thanks for being good today. Ask her what she thinks she can do so that you two have better days like today.

Well, my mom would have let me go through all of that, and then still not let me go to the dance! haha.

I'd let her go, but I'd let her know how disappointed I was in her, and trade that punishment off for another. Like no phone for a week, or no computer. It would be an equal punishment as she couldn't communicate with the love of her life. You'd still be the mean mom, but you'd get your point across.

I think she learned her lesson and I think she should go to her 1st dance. Now if this continues (of course there will be slip ups) then those 3rd and 4th dances should be re-thought or cancelled. I remember my daughter coming in from her dates sitting on my bed telling me about the entire night...they grow up so fast and they need direction at this time and you have made your point in a big way and at just the right time and I think that will be remembered for a very long time. Hope she has a good time.

I don't know how old you are but you are very wise, in my eyes anyway.

That sounds like a good answer! Make sure she knows you are doing it but you are not always going to be a softy! :D :) :D

remember being that age? There was NO worse feeling in the WORLD than to be the ONLY ONE of your friends not going to the dance! :D

I would let her go but like someone else said, trade the punishment to something else, give your daughter the choice which punishment she wants and stick with it....like say its either no dance or ( be in earlier than normalfor a week ) or ( no phone or computer for a week) etc let her pick it. and stick to it.

2 years ago my daughter had to go to summer school, not because she isnt smart, but she is so unorganized and forgets to take her homeowrk in on time or doesnt bring it home and things like that, she went to summer school, i told her this is the last time this will happen, do what you got to do in school because there wont be any more summer school, you can flunk 1st lol
well last year she needed to go to summer school for science ( would not flunk if she didnt, just had to make it up this year) i did not pay for her to go.....that taught her a huge lesson, this year, the home work comes home, and gets handed in!!!! she is in 11th grade now and no way does she wanna stay back, and she knows there wont be any summer school!
ha ha tough love :) good luck with your daughter :)