Can i ask a question.....
 

I have a question for you all...lets say your married and you have been for quite a while. It has had its ups and downs and all but your heart isn't there anymore.........What would you do?

Dont know the circumstances, but I think ya gotta work at it, make a spark, there was something in the beginning that made you fall in love, ya gotta find it again.. I know it takes work,, on both parts..
Sorry if this is happening with you... :(

what if you've been fighting for it the whole time and especially the last 2 years...you and your heart and your head..

Marriage counseling. I've been considering it, too. :(

Is counseling an option? People sometimes give up to easy these days, but if you have tried and it's still not working you have to follow your heart. I have been with my husband for 35 years and there have been good and bad times. Good luck!

By fighting for it do you mean yourself mentally, or you and your partner fighting over it?

id say talk it out, find a balance, and if its just not there anymore, talk about what you both want for your future, whether together or apart?

I'm young and I've only been married for 3 years, and we have tough times, but the main reason I don't walk out that door is because I don't think my life would be the same with out him in it. It's like sometimes I'm not sure if I shoulda married him because we have different views in the bedroom. I want it all the time him not so much, but I realize that that fades and the most important thing is he lets me be me. I just couldn't stand it if he wasn't in my life. My suggestion would be take a week apart don't speak to him or see him and see if you miss him or want to call and tell him something.

I am so sorry that you are going through a rough time. My advice would be to go to marriage counseling and if that doesnt work out then you two need to decide what will make you happy.

i feel bad for you, i know what your going through, i had it rough also, real rough and i would of stayed till death do us part, that god he made the first move and i am so much happier now and he is miserable...we did go to
counceling, it worked for a week and back to the norm... good luck in whatever you do, just remember you will be ok no matter what, if you need to talk im here for you...been there , done that...it gets better, trust me

I have been fighting it within my self.....we dont hardly fight.....honestly buy my heart isnt here anymore for him. I feel so selfish especially with the kids but i have dealt with it big time the last 2 yrs...im getting to where its driving my insane :(

Sorry to hear you are having a rough time of it right now. But there was something there in the beginning, so maybe professional help would be the way to go.
Good Luck :)

It takes 2 to Tango, you BOTH have to work on it, keeping a marriage steaming is a full time job ;) speak to him and see if you can both agree on seeing a marriage counsellor.
Every marriage has its ups & downs, it can become a drag, but try to find things to keep it bubbling.


Good luck :thumbup:

if your not happy sweetie, do whats best for you. its your life, live it the way you want....you have that right, but make sure its the right thing to do...

I need to clarify.....ITS ME NOT HIM...He doesnt think anything is wrong..it's ME..im the blame!!!!

Woo boy ytirks27, you didn't say it was a loaded question....

I've been married 23 years and we've been there done that so to speak. We went to marriage counseling and it's dang hard let me tell ya. There were very few sessions that I left feeling good about. It works only if you WANT it to work, and he has to want that too.This is the hard part, cause what you're thinking is I'm not happy, but you may learn he isn't either. Some of that honesty is going feel like a knife, sweetie. Will it make you feel all giggy, excited, heart pumping cause he's in the room (like it did when you were dating), sorry no.

I had a hard time putting my expressions into words with dh. I found it worked better for me to write them, some of those letters took hours to write, but I got the words out.

I could write a book literally on this subject. The fix was not instant by any means and there were reasons we got where we were. You're gonna have to talk to him, he may be surprised you feel this way (some are), or he may not.
It's a hard topic.

We made the decision we made because there was alot of good still there, there were so many things we achieved together, our daughter (who we both preferred to not to go through the divorce thing), and a bunch of other reasons. Essentially it may come down to...are you better off with him or without him.

Best wishes. I really hope everything works out for you.

No No dont be so hard on youself and DONT set yourself on a guilt trip, something obviously started this off for you to feel this way, do you know where it comes from?

Men usually think "oh theres nothing wrong" most of the time they just DONT GET IT!
How long have you been together?

10.5 years. LOTS of ups and downs. He is happy...that's not an issue. It's me..my heart isnt here. The reason why I havent left is because of the kids, the thought that I cant take care of us (which i know ican) and nobody else will ever want me... Our history is sooooo messed up and just started getting decent about 3 yrs ago..but its still not here......does anybody undertand what I mean?? :( He also makes me feel like the worst mom in the world when i tell him we need a break...:(

I'm so sorry that you're going through this! I can only imagine how hard it is. I'm a believer that if you had it once, you can always get back to that point. If you don't communicate, you can't expect him to try and win your heart back. You know what I mean :) You have to REALLY want it to work in order for it to work. I don't know your situation though, so that's about as far I can go with advice. I wish you luck and I'll pray for you and your hubby.

Again I'm young and don't know much so take this litely. I went through a period of a month or so where I fell for another guy (I didn't do anything), but the site of my husband litterally made my stomach turn. I didn't feel anything for him and I thought we were done. I didn't know how to tell him so I was waiting til I got the words right and one night I went to bed and woke up more in love with him than ever. I don't know what happened and it sounds like you've been feeling this way for a longer time. My biggest thing was I didn't feel wanted and I wanted to find someone that would want me while I still could. You need to figure out deep down why you don't want him anymore. I would start by writing in a journal how you feel at certain times. The reason I started to feel this way is because I started to feel trapped. At that time I was trapped in a dead end job, trapped in a relationship, trapped in a town I hated and I was suffocating. You may also feel trapped because of the kids or lack of financial independence you need to figure out if it's really your husband or something else that's making you feel this way. I wish I had advise of how to do this. I just wanna say I know how you feel. I wish you luck that you find happiness.

Ok, he's happy because YOU have kept him happy all these years ? Forgetting about yourself and you own life ? Giving up your own life for your husband and kids ? Sounds like your selfesteem is way down and finally you wont stand for it anymore.
I dont know the history and the situation, but dont let anybody tell you that your a bad mom if you know in your heart that you have done and are doing all you can to keep your family on a roll.
I think i understand what you mean, you are tired and fed up of all the crap you have put up with. You need to make yourself feel pretty and worth it, simply because you are. Dont let anyone else tell you differently.

Sounds like you crave intimate time and does Hubby give you that? if not do you nuture yourself , because no one person can be it all for another but the one main Question i would ask myself is would I date me? if your not giving the most of yourself .ya cant expect someone else to .At best relationships are hard work , but the truth is the realationship you have with yourself .is the one ya cant get away from .Hope you can find the answer for you since no one else can give it ..my wish for you is that you listen to your highest love within you for the answer will be there .in lovenlight Deb

I think this is great advice!
It could be that you're not happy with something else in your life and it's being passed on to your relationship. Maybe if you adjust other things in your life, that could work???
I don't know, Good luck...

I think that you two need some type of vacation time together so you can reconnect. Sometimes after you've been married for a while it feels more like a buisness relationship (raising the kids, paying bills, etc.) Do something for yourselves that you both enjoy. Plan a little getaway. No kids, no work, etc. Definately take some time during that trip to talk to eachother and become best friends again.

I totaly understand... First off you are not the worst mom in the world, secondly, he will not know that something is wrong untill you tell him. TELL HIM that your heart is not there and then try to work on it together. It feels good to get it out. Have the kids stay over at a friends house or with family and you and your husband have a night at home alone and talk it out, hold nothing back. You are the only one who knows what you want and need and unless you tell him, he will not know what you need from him.

I have told him and he informs me that cannot happen and its stupid!!!!!!! :mad:

One of my friends went through this several years ago and went to marriage counseling. She said the thing that really turned her around was when the counselor asked her to list all the traits and qualities her 'perfect man' (I know-oxymoron!) would have. After making the list, she said she realized her husband possessed all of the qualities on her list. She made up her mind to work things out and never looked back.

Sometimes it helps when you see things in black and white. Maybe try making a list of the pros and cons to see which has more weight.

Best of luck.

I have been married 25 years. We have had our ups and downs. I came to the conclusion that happiness is a personal choice. I can wake up each morning and choose.... Do I wish to be happy or do I wish to make myself miserable. I am the only one accountable for my happiness, it comes from within or I am without.

Now to answer your question, you need to look yourself long and hard in the mirror of your soul and look at why you are unhappy. Think about how many people it will impact if you choose to leave and even more important, your children..... is their quality of life better with them having both a mom and a dad at home or would their life be better being swapped back and forth between you two.

Prayer always helps when making live changing decisions.

marriage
 

It sounds like the marriage has just gotten dull and stale..would your life and your children's be better off with or without him? If you can not afford to support your children and give them a good life, then you may have to put your feelings aside for now. It is entirely possible to have an interesting, fullfilled life with a luke warm marraige..not what I would want, but what I might do if I had young children to consider. Best wishes to you and your decisions.

first of all, lemme just say i'm so sorry you're feeling this way. it's tough times and be assured that you have support here.

secondly, i strongly suggest that you get some counseling. sometimes men are majorly pig-headed. they say and do certain things without thinking how it can affect you and take your feelings for granted. and when we, women are taken for granted, we'll either retaliate or withdraw. it seems like you're doing the latter, you're withdrawing your feelings from the relationship. and he's too blind to see it, feel it, sense it, or hear it even if you tell him directly. sometimes men need someone else (not their wife or gf) to evaluate the relationship for them just to prove that "the woman" is not "over-reacting".

if you're miserable and he thinks everything is peachy then it's even more important for the two of you to communicate. and having an unbias 3rd party to mitigate the discussion would help to make it a more production discussion rather than a fight about who could've/should've done this or that way back when.

perhaps at the end of this, the both of you will come to realize that you're better off separated than together and arrive at an amiable end to your romantic relationship and the start of a friendly one for each other and for the kids.

my husband and i have been together for the better part of the past 15 years, the past three being married. there's a lot of up's and down's and it's not always happy happy moments. sometimes a break to re-evaluate yourself, your partner, and the both of you together is needed to move forward.

good luck. big hugs. my thoughts are with you.

I have been married for 13 years, to a wonderful kind, considerate man, but who is a workaloic, a few months ago i was feeling the same way my heart didn't seem to be there, I was looking to others to try and make me feel the SPARK :D I had started to see a councellor about some other things that had gone on, and in one of my sessions i brought this up to him.. He said to me that after being married for X number of years things aren't going to rock your world like they used to when you were first together, and you get to the point where u get very comfortable with each other, but its up to all of us to reunite spark. So he told me to have a weekly date, this means no kids, he could just be curled up on the couch cuddling watching a movie, or going out for a drive, and maybe even a weekend away to a hotel. This is to rediscovering each other like you did when you were going out. the other big thing is to sit down with your husband and and discuss your feelings, and maybe deep down he is feeling the same way too, or it could be that men are blind to feelings and signs, that you need to open his eyes that you are not happy!, I can only say that this is your life, your family, and while everyone can put in their two cents, its still up to you where you want to be. don't be hard on your self, and I hope things get better , if you want to talk i am here for you any time! Janedks3406