I agree with the other post that you have to find what attracted you to start with. I think we all, or most, go through a period that we realize the Cinderella story just aint happening. The old routines get very old and sometimes you have to "take a breaK" to realize how lucky you are.

I have been there. The most important thing in any marriage is that you communicate. You have to tell the other person how you really feel. Even if it's something that they may not want to hear. Then get their input on the situation. I think when you said your vows it was for better or worse. This is possibly your worst. And it may work out, it may not. But IMO it would be sad to just walk away after being together for so long. Without giving it a try. Good luck with whatever decision you make. And this is just my opinion, I don't know the story behind this.

I'm sorry to hear your going through this.
But no matter who it is don't let anyone tell you what you can and can not do. Your in charge of your own life and your own happiness.
Yes you have kids and that puts you in a bit more of a difficult place but don't let that be your excuse to keep yourself in an unhealthy relationship. Also if your that unhappy then your kids probably feel it and are effected by it more than you know or think.
I think counselling is a good idea but if your at the end of the road with your husband and you have already made your mind up than i don't know how much counseling would help?!
I know how scary the thought of being on your own and having to deal with daily life on your own is. I was extremely pampered as a kid/teen and I basically went from my parents hands to my BF's hands so I haven't had to do much on my own and it scares the crap out of me sometimes thinking what would happen if I ever split up with my BF and if I'd ever find anyone else.
Just remember you CAN make it on your own if that is what it comes down to and you owe it to yourself to be happy.
I hope everything works out, whatever you decide and we are all here for you :)

I could afford to. Im the bread winner pretty much any how........

PLEASE don't take this the wrong way, but I had an ex-fiance who was the same way (bedroom wise) and a lot of people thought he may have been gay. As my mother says, "men want it all the time." Just telling you...something to ask yourself. ;)

NONONONO..he's not gay.trust me!!!!!!!....He wants it I dont..but thats not the problem..my heart is.

Do you still love him? Can you see yourself living day to day with out him? Can you see him dating another woman and be ok with it? Maybe you just need a break. Take the kids & go stay at your parents or a friends house for a week. See if you like being with out him or if you want to go back. Something to think about....

No, I'm sorry...I was referring to Ponyup! :lol tears

Maybe you can take a break. Does he know how u feel?

I have tried to leave 5 times......makes me feel so guilty i come back!!!!!

He makes you feel guilty or you feel guilty?

I haven't read all of the posts, so I don't know if anyone has mentioned it yet. I have only been married for 6 1/2 yrs., and it is SO HARD! BUT...... being from a broken home, I wouldn't want to put my kids through a divorce. It is devastating to children, and they sometimes get put in the middle, and they sometimes get put to the back when a parent is trying to put their life back together. I just remember when I was 16 and starting to date, my Mom was dating too and was so involved in her own happiness, that I think she forgot where her attention should have been.... on her kids. I know this is not the funnest thing to hear, especially since any decision like this is totally guilt-ridden anyways, but it's the truth. Life would have been so much easier for us all if my parents would have just worked it out. It's funny now that we're older... we can see our parents as "real people" and not just as "our parents".... and my mom and dad are SO much alike, they really would make a great couple! :) They have both struggled so much with new relationships (my dad has been married 4 times now, and my mom is in a horrible marriage).... they have also struggled with children who took sides after the divorce (my oldest brother won't even be friends with my mom because she initiated the divorce and he feels so sorry for my dad.... and the divorce was 15 yrs. ago!!!).... it really does affect everyone around you. So just think hard before walking away from your marriage. Any new relationship you find will have it's ups and downs too..... and you'll see (when it's too late) that your husband had a lot of strengths that you took for granted. I know it must be so difficult for you, and you want to be happy, but believe me, there are very negative effects of divorce as well. I really hope you are able to figure out what is best for you all. Take care :)

PS.... this is all assuming that your husband is not abusive. That is a different situation all together.

I thought about that with my children that's why i have continured to stay.. :(

I feel for you - I remember feeling like that but realized AFTER I left my first husband that I actually missed him....think very hard before coming to a conclusion - it can go either way.

Would you miss him if you were never to see him again ? If you say yes...then I would think very hard on this decision - good men are hard to find and the grass is always greener elsewhere ...till you walk on it - then it maybe isn't.

Even couples who are doing just fine can benefit from counseling. If he'd be willing to go with you, find a counselor you trust and go for it! My husband and I never had premarital counseling and last year, decided that for us and for our future, we'd meet with a marriage counselor once a week and it's done WONDERS for our marriage! So whatever you do, and if you could consider counseling, don't view it as a breakdown to weakness because counseling can be really fun and it can really help a lot!

I have tried to leave, take breaks, etc.. I left for about a week. I moved 12 miles away and it didnt do any good. He came down all hours and would sit there and cry and make me feel like crap for leaving and that I was a bad selfish mom. asked for a break about 4 months ago and what he do? start yelling that he's just going to go kill himself and than ill have to explain to our daughters why he ddid that!!! I appreciate your responses but marriage counseling will not work. We go for a bit and than i'm back to the same feelings. I dont want to be here with him. I may miss him, yes, but thats mostly because he's all I know. I started dating him when i was 18. moved in with eachother 3 days later after we mewt. got married when I was 20 and had our first daughter when i was 21...im 29 now so it dont matter if you hate the person, your going to miss them for a while. I dont know what to do or think. I have ALWAYS put my kids first but personally If your going to stay in a relationship that you dont want . your (my) attitudes is really starting to suck. Im mad and grouchy all the time and my kids see that. So what you think is better..living with 2 parents where one is really unhappy and mad all the time or live with 1 parent and have all the access in the world to the other parent but their attitude is so much better?? Im not yelling at anybody so i hope you dont take it that way just stating more for the story!!

No offense taken, but he's not gay he's just weird. He has a genius level IQ and is a little obsessive compulsive and he doesn't like to do things that he doesn't think he's good at. I was his first real itimate relationship so I still think he feels some anxiety about it. You know how most men do 90% of their thinking with their penis and only 10% with their head, well when my husband was being made the wires must of gotten crossed because he is the opposite. Which is what attracted me to him because he cared about more than just my body however, now I want him to be into my body. It's a vicious cycle.

I've been in relationships with crappy guys and even though he is not physically abusing you he is emotionally abusing you. I went with a guy (my first love) and I told him private things I never told anyone and when I went away to college he would use these things to upset me and get me to come home. Your husband sounds like this he sounds very selfish and almost like a child throwing a tantrum. Do not let him make you feel guilty or manipulate you. He is so terrified of losing you he is willing to do anything or say anything to make you stay. And his reasoning behind making you stay is not because he loves you because if he truely loved you he would want you to be happy. He wants you to stay and take care of him it sounds like he has the life if you're the bread winner and you take care of the kids. This is a hard situation because you would hate for your husband to do something aweful. I would suggest you go to conseling by yourself and get some pointers on how to handle your husband.

He does love me. Theres absolutely no doubt about that. His words exactly" If you move to another town i will have to move there too because I love you and the kids so much". and the topper is "you won't ever leave me..I wont allow it" and "You'll have to burn me out like a cockroach". He's very difficult. He makes me feel so damn bad and guilty. :( :mad:

I just wanted to urge you to be careful. I had a friend who's finance was the same way he never hit her or anything but said these things. Well she finally left him and he came after her and tried to kill her. his reasoning for this was that if he couldn't have her then no one could. So please be very careful. I don't know you or your husband so I could be way off base her, but please just be careful.

im jusy thinking about my kids........call me stupid!!!!

he once said he'd stalk me if I left and the guy that i was with would be sorry!!!!!!!! :mad: :(

You're not stupid- you're being a great mom! As I said in an earlier post, though, I'm a child of divorce and would much rather have a happy mom than a married mom. Believe me, your kids know you're unhappy. No matter how well you think you're hiding it, they know or will know as they get older. My mom probably thought she hid a lot from my sister and me, but we knew how she felt and what she worried about.

I know how you feel. When I was 15 I dated a guy until I was 18 who was controlling like that. He wasn't physically abusive, but he had his ways. I hated alot of things about him. He was VERY emotional.Once we were sitting down to eat chinese food and his finger got burnt, he freaked out and started screaming and he threw the food on me burning me too. I don't know if it was an accident or whatever, but he always overreacted. He would cry all the time over stupid stuff. He might have even had a mental problem or something. It was like everything was all about his feelings. Everytime I tried to break up with him he said he would kill himself. I realized that I was only sticking around because I didn't want him to hurt himself. I didn't know any better, he had moved 2 states away to be with me so he made me feel guilty about that. But fact was that I didn't want to be with him anymore. I finally said that I needed some space and got some of my things. 3 days later I called for something and some other chick picked up the phone at our apartment. I went there later while he was at work and got the rest of my things and left, never seeing him again. But my sister did see him and his new gf a month later in the next town. The new girlfriend probably thought it was weird seeing a huge pregnant woman yelling at him.
I hated being stuck in that relationship. But I am still glad that it happened because I wouldn't know what to look for in a person. I really appreciate the qualities in my husband. I am happy that he's nothing like the crazy guy I dated in high school. I feel like my husband is my match and is so much like me.
If your heart isn't in it and you are only sticking around because he's controlling you, then I recommend that you seek some kind of counseling at least to improve yourself and try to live somewhere else. If you have to, get a temporary restraining order if he doesn't leave when you ask him to. You need to explain to him that he can not tell you to come back out of guilt, you have to come back because you want to. If you come back then it was meant to be. You need to explain to him that he is being controlling by saying that he's going to kill himself and he is using the kids to his advantage. If you decide to leave, the first few months are always the most difficult. Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

Thank You so much. Luckily he is not as bad at your old BF with the chinese food.LOL

I'm not married, so I don't know if my opinion will even count but I thought I would give my 2 cents anyway. I think that it's great that you want to think about your kids. I don't really believe in divorce (unless it's abuse/cheating) but I think that by him making you feel guilty and telling you he will kill himself, he is emotionally abusing you. I agree with Olivia, DON'T TOLERATE THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR. Your kids already know what's going on and if you are unhappy, so are they! I would keep on trying counseling. There is no magic answer, I know you want there to be but there isn't. You need set your foot down and not make excuses for him. He needs to listen to you, period.

I definately think that your husband is emotionally and mentally abusive. Saying things like "he's going to kill himself" if you left him????? He is just trying to say anything and do anything to make you stay with him, without regard to what it will do to you emotionally or mentally. Any kind of abuse is for selfish reasons. If he cared more about you (I mean REALLY loved you), he would think about your feelings and needs, and not say such selfish things to keep you in an unhappy situation. Before I married my husband I was dating a guy like that. The crying and begging me to stay all the time. I too tried to break things off with him many times and he would just bring me presents and cry and beg, until I felt guilty and went back to him. When I was with him, I couldn't have any other friends because he would say "You are MY best friend now!!". So literally in the 6 mths. that we dated, I spent 1 evening with my best girl friend, and that's only because I SNUCK to her house, knowing that he would be SO mad at me later..... which he was.... "Where have you been?! I have been looking for you everywhere!" and on and on and on. Well, he was out of the country for awhile, and what did I do???? I GOT MARRIED! 50% because I loved my husband, and the other 50% was because of an attempt to escape my boyfriend and his manipulative ways. I knew that when he got home he would cry and beg until I gave in again. Even after I was married, he cried and wanted to hold my hand and dance with me, etc., etc. He had NO regard for my happiness. I'm so glad that I'm out of that emotional roller-coaster! I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this in marriage.... that is just horrible.

I just re-read some of your past posts and I wanted to point out that there is a distinct difference between "Love" and "Obsession". When you love someone, you respect them. You care about their feelings and dreams and needs. You care MORE about them than you do yourself, and if being without you will make them happiest, then that is what you want for them too!! Obsession is completely different. You don't think you can live without the other person, so you say insane things to get them to stay, make them feel guilty or hopeless, or to make them feel that there is no getting rid of you, so why even try?! Like when he said these things..... "you won't ever leave me..I wont allow it", "You'll have to burn me out like a cockroach" and "I'll kill myself if you do". Um, that is a little creepy. In other words he's saying "even though leaving me may make YOU happy, you might as well forget about it, because I'm not going anywhere. If anything it will just make your life worse because I will kill myself, and then you will have to explain to the kids that their daddy killed himself all because of YOU". The fact of the matter is.... you CAN leave him. You do need to take caution though with the threats that he has given. You need to sit down and really decide what you want to do. If you want to leave him, then you need to come up with a plan and not turn back. Make up your mind, and if you decide for sure to go then don't talk to him about it. Don't give him the opportunity to make you feel guilty. Maybe you should talk to a professional psychologist to get ideas of the best way to go about it. One time my Mom wanted to leave my step-dad and her counselor suggested starting a secret "runaway fund" for herself. You are a strong woman and you can do what is best for you and your family. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about yourself, or manipulate you any longer.