Women's "duties" around the house
 

So I've been in a relationship for 5 years. Before me, when he still lived with his parents, Tony said he always kept his room extremely clean. We've lived together for a year and honestly I really feel completely miserable sometimes. Why? Because despite the fact that I am in love with him, I feel like I'm almost "doomed" to a life with a total freaking spoiled, lazy brat. His mom did all the cleaning. I mean ALL of it. His parents got divorced because his dad is disabled and his mom felt trapped and smothered.

Like I beg Tony to help around the house. He will help, but only after I'm about to cry because im so frustrated. He does nothing until I ask him. We have talked about it many, many times. I go on and on telling him how I feel and he sits there and finally says "What doyu want me to say?" And then I'm crying again because...he's just...not a man...he needs to grow up because I am not his mom and I feel like I have to be. Otherwise our housoe is a wreck. He lets dishes and trash pile up, he NEVER EVER changes Lumas potty pads...I do both of our laundry...I have to remind him to take a shower. Seriously. I am living with a child. I don't know how much more I can take.

Why is he like this? His mom did everything for him. Don't even get me started on anything to do with money. He acts so annoyed when I want him to split the cost of something with me. His grandparents pay our rent and his tuition. I pay the electricity. He buys groceries but we fight every single time we go to the store over how much we can spend. Idk what his problem is. He's 21. All he does is play videogames and leave a mess. His only responsibility is to write the damn check for our rent and he even screws THAT up, forgetting to write the check even though I remind him and even write it on a calendar. Like really?

Please, someone tell me how I can get him to grow the F up. Sorry, I am just totally at my wit's end...I'm sorry to complain...I just needed to vent and I know most of you here are older, married or more experienced women.

Good luck. My DH doesn't do much around the house. God knows that him and my son can't pick up after themselves. My oldest boy helps me or it would all be on me. We just discussed this on Sunday. How I work all day cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking all while he watches TV.

Now with that said, if I SPECIFICALLY ask him to do something he will. But I don't think I should have to ask. So GOOD LUCK and hope you get better advice!

And that is why I don't think I could ever live with anyone again!

I'd say it'll get better as he gets older...but based on what I once lived with, and what most of my friends live with....I'm not so sure...

Both my kids (20 & 22) keep their stuff pretty clean & neat. But from being very young, I always involved them in decorating & choosing things for their space, so they loved the look of what they had and like to keep it looking good. Between that & having friends over, they kept their stuff picked up.

Do you have friends over? That always forces a clean-up! I used to make myself host some kind of party each season, so I'd make sure my house got a major cleaning overhaul. Now my current house is too tiny to host anything, but I'm on a main road, so friends have a tendency to just "stop by"...that motivates me to keep things pretty picked up like no other.

You are young, I honestly wouldn't take that crap. You have been with him 5 years… so I highly doubt he is going to change. I would tell him he has one chance- if he doesn't change within a certain amount of time you are out- No woman should have to tell their man to take a shower. I’m sad for you- hopefully he changes or you find someone that treats you how you should be treated... They are out there- you just have to look and not settle.


Also stop mothering him- Don’t do his laundry, don’t clean up after him. Like I tell my friend… why would he want to change when you do and pay everything for him? ( she kinda has the same boyfriend and she pays all his bills!)


I have been with my DH for almost 7 years- with us it is 50/50 and I think that is how it should be.

Ugh, DH and I have been together for 13 years and I'm still waiting for him to help out at home instead of making a mess and blaming me for it! We have issues...

To be frank with you, Carmen, why would he change? His mom did everything for him and now you are. He's never lived on his own and he's 21.

Unfortunately, this is what happens when you don't learn life skills. He's still young so he should be able to still "learn" it but it's not going to change. Truthfully, if I were you, 5 years is long enough. You were in HS when you met. And that's great, but people are supposed to change. It's healthy to date around when you're young.

But, you've been dating for 5 years. And that's really, really hard to accept and end things.

Just know that he probably won't change, no matter how you wish he will.

I'm not telling you to break up with him, so don't anyone attack me, lol, but I'm just telling you that I was in a similar relationship and even though it hurt and I wanted to die (not literally...) after we broke up, things went really well afterwards.

Why would you want to be with someone that makes you miserable in ANY way?

Here's the deal. This is who he is. You either accept it and figure out how to live with it or move on. He is not going to get older and magically become cleaner or more thoughtful.

100% AGREE! :thumbup:

This is my DH exactly. Carmen, I highly doubt he will change. You either accept him as he is or ........ Have you discussed this with him?

Some do change for the better though as they age and become more aware of the things they totally overlook as younger males. And years of "working on" them helps, too. They find it's just easier in the long run to pick up than have to listen to one more sigh or lecture or pay for one more extravagance you bought to pay yourself back for the backache you got picking up their stuff. It never fails to amaze me, though, how a man can walk by something lying on the floor or a loaded garbage sack by the back door without ever seeing either!

But in order to change, you have to have LIFE changes. He's 21 and been in 1 serious relationship.

Now, I've known people to marry their HS sweethearts and they were able to grow together because both were willing. I don't see that happening here.

IMO, he seems to want a caregiver rather than a life partner.

I also agree, Carmen. He can change, but the circumstances in his environment will have to force him to change, or he needs to see the need and want to make the change.

On a funny note, they say men look for similar qualities in a partner as their mother and women look for similar qualities as their father. My dh is not much like my dad, and I cringe at the thought that I am like his mother. LOL, but....as long as I enabled him to be helpless, I was in a sense like his mother. When I realized that, I put a stop to doing things for him he could do himself.

It's true Shelly, lol. Chad is very similar to my dad and I would say I'm 2/3 like his step-mom and 1/2 like his mom... :)

Oh I saw my husband change and we had neither been in a relationship before. He started changing within the second year when I was pregnant and I think he just felt so sorry for me, bless his male, male heart. So I had that going for me in that I got pregnant fairly early in our marriage and the, he just kept it up because after Danny came, we both had extra work. Plus, he decided if he wanted a clean house and to stay out of the poor house from my "rewards" for myself, it was easier to just not leave things around. I'm a tidyphile I have to have things tidy or go and drive everyone nuts. I can't stand things out of place!

We have been married for 48 years (in March). Hubby does a lot around the house. We both try to keep it looking nice.
Just to make a point, why don`t you do your laundry, pick up your clothes, cook your food. Leave his mess laying there. Invite friends over. The place will be a mess, but all his. Maybe he will be embarrassed enough to clean up. Just wondering.
Oh and it`s not his age. When we got married, he was 21 and I was 17.

Sorry for the late reply...he felt bad so he took me out to eat :rolleyes: I agree, he probably will never change...it's sad that I've began to realize this. I ask myself if I can deal with this my entire life because if we get married, this is how its gonna be. I have dated other guys and he hasnt.

Heres the thing though. We were long distance for three years. It was completely heartbreaking buut we put so much into getting together that it is hard to question if my decision was the right one. He's my best friend, I really do love him with all my heart and have wanted no one else since I was fifteen. IT's hard. I know I have the right to leave him if I wanted, but I gave up my life for him. My friends, my family, my hometown, moved across the country to be with him! I have given him an ultimatum before. Told him I would buy a plane ticket home and never come back if he didnt get his act together. It took him a whole year to get a job but he finally did get one. It's just kinda pathetic...

I know, dont baby him. Ive tried that, trust me, but he will literally let the entire bedroom floor be covered in dirty clothes, dishes overflowing, five trashbags set out. He doesnt get it...what I guess I'm really looking for is how to let myself accept him how he is.

oh my... this is painful for me to read. I am trying to think of what advice I would give my own daughters. You may not like it and I understand if you don't read anymore.

first.... YOU have to take care of YOURSELF. I don't like reading you gave up YOUR life. Get your life back NOW!!!!! If you are not happy in your skin and have a life of your own ...well you are just way too young for that.

second... he is what he is. yes, he may change but most likely he will not. Why should he change, he just has to put up with your b******* every once and a while and he has what he wants. He is tuning you out... you are a broken record to him, like a parent who threatens a child but never follows through. I see it happen all the time with teachers, parents etc.

third... and old saying is look to the man's home life (parents) and that is what you will have.

I am a little shocked the mother left his disabled father, but hey I guess she was the smart one. I am just very afraid that you will wake up one day and be very bitter.

What to do? some type of counseling? you get your life in order. I am not saying walk out now, but be able to. It is funny that when you are strong enough to leave you don't have to leave and then you will be strong enough to make your stand in that relationship.


I have been married close to 30 years... I often wish I had been strong enough to walk away when I was able. I love my dh.. and as you know he is ill and I will NEVER leave now because, well I just won't.. but I do have very bad anger/depression issues. Things are better now.. but often I feel I am a doormat to him. I just don't want that for you.

Yes, I know your husband is ill and I commend you for staying with him 'in sickness and in health'...with my boyfriends parents its a case of his mom putting up with it for 30 years and finally reaching her breaking point. He has hydrocephalus among a number of other disabilities and was verbally and mentally abusive. So I dont blame his mom for leaving.

I did give up a lot to be with him, but I had three years to think about it and I was not mentally stable while we were apart. I was extremely depressed when we dated long distance. I am happier now, and I've posted threads on YT in the past kind of seeking help on how to find myself again. I agree its not healthy for my life to revolve 100% around him things have gotten a little better, going out with friends more and having people over. I may try leaving his mess and only picking up my own. Maybe if I wrote a schedule he would have to follow it. Sad but he needs direction and structure to stay motivated. I know most people wil tell me to pack my bags. I believe I found something so special I would never find it with anyone else. He is my soulmate. My lazy, messy soulmate. I know I'm young but I just want to work it out, not give up.

I don't know any other way to give advice other than to tell you my story.

I was you at your age. I went away to college and had a long distance relationship with my now DH. After college, I did an internship in another state. When my DH finally realized without a commitment I wasn't coming back, he flew out and asked me to marry him. I said yes. To this day, it is my one and only regret. Not because I don't love him, because I do believe he's the one for me. But, I also gave up everything, my life, everything I ever wanted to do to come back to this town I hate, to be with him. Don't get me wrong, I've had a wonderful life, and have the most beautiful family, a nice home. But, I still live with the what if's. And I harbor a lot of resentment and anger because it's me that gave up everything to be with him. He knows I'd never do it again and it's been the force behind some of our biggest arguments. From his point of view, he has everything, his dreams have been fulfilled and continue to be. I make it sound terrible, don't I. I am not unhappy, I just wish at your age, I would have had the maturity to make him give up something for me. Looking back, he so easily could have relocated and we both could have had what we wanted, but I was scared if I forced the issue I'd lose it all. In a way, I still lost. Our first 10 years together were marital bliss. I was not happy in our second 10 years together because I began to feel the affects of what I've said here. However, we've worked hard to making our marriage work, and we're committed to making our third 10 years (will be 25 this year) better than the first. We've talked about all this, and he understands. Our dreams have changed and they now include eachother more than they ever have. This all sound so mushy, but it just demonstrates how incredibly hard it is to make it work even in the best of circumstances. My point is, you have to believe that you deserve to be happy and you have to decide what you will put up with and what crosses the line and you have to stick to that for you.

7 and 1/2 years here and a women's duty is to cook and clean.. Men should not clean lol and godforbid he actually pay his own bills... We have a joint account that I take care of paying his bills from.

Thank you for sharing your story, Shelly. I did make a lot of sacrifices to be with hom and we have had multiple, pretty serious fights about it. He doesn't care for his life here. Friends, family? Pretty much disposable to him. That's why its so unfair. I had, and still have, an intense attachment to my life in South Carolina. We have discussed moving to DC after he graduates. It's not out of the question. I just struggle with that decision because I know firsthand how hard it is to be completely uprooted from everything and everyonr you have ever known. Is it even fair to do that to him when I know what its like? I would be happier in SC but it would take a lot of work to save for the move and to live on our own instead of out of his grandparents pocket.

Carmen you sound like a caretaker...not a bad thing..just make sure you take care of yourself too! It may be "unfair" to him but it also might help you enjoy your life more and could help him grow up if he doesn't have grandparents pocket so easy! Plus...maybe it would help you decide if this is what you want in life when you are closer to your supports! I wouldn't rule it out just because it might be unfair to him...you deserve to have some fairness in your life too! (PS..just know this advice is coming from someone who broke up with a significant other when he told her she could move in w him two states away but her dog was not welcome. :) )

Well I guess I might as well share more about my life.. I am 38 have never been married (yes I know you are confused now lol).. He will be 34 the 24th and still lived at his mom's house he grew up in even thou she was staying with her boyfriend BUT she came to the house every week to wash his clothes make sure he had food, soap, shampoo etc. Because of one of my knee surgeries I went to stay with him to help me out after we had dated 3 months and well my home burnt down and we have been together ever since so that is why everybody just calls us husband and wife. Now he grew up with an abusive stepfather so he is a verbally abusive type and after 6 years I realized he was never going to give me a ring so I packed and left... He went got anger help quit his job got a better job and went and rented US a house on a side of town I wanted to live on... Things were great even if he had to move to Tenn for a year we still got along great he started sending me flowers spoiling me with gifts and got me Guinness the "little dog" he told me he would never own... After he got back from Tenn he is starting to go back to verbal abusive.. He knows I have self esteem issues and social anxiety so it's easy for him to push the right buttons to set me into a panic attack and I blame nobody but myself because I know I should have stayed gone but at this point I have so much invested.. House, cars, dogs, boat, bank accounts, furniture etc that it's just easier for me to suck it up put on my big girl panties and deal with it.
So sadly that is the only advice I can give.. Just be unhappy learn to resent him and yourself and deal with it or....

Carmen, you mention him going to college and what you'll do after he gets his degree. What are you doing for you? Are you going to college too?

If you were to leave and go back home, can't you move back with your folks until you can get on your feet?

You shouldn't be playing housewife. You should be going out and having fun and making tons of friends (for life). You're 20...your life shouldn't be over yet. And, TBH, when you say you dated...you dated in HS right?

And I agree, it really worries me that you keep saying that you gave up your life for him. If you believe this, it's only going to harbor deep, deep resentment. You have to make yourself happy. Your life should always come first. You have your life and he has his and you share a portion of those lives together. It seems to me that he IS your life and that's not healthy.

Oh Alisha. That's not good either... I don't have to go into it because I know you know that. And I say this whole heartily that if you EVER need to get away, out of the city, out of the state, please know you can come here.

Same goes with you, Carmen.

Zeus wouldn't mind some playmates and Ody loves to show off. :)

I'm not sure why you would want him. I mean seriously, he sounds like a spoiled little boy not a grown man ready to settle down and build a life with. I don't know why we settle as women for things like this. You are still very young but I think if you continue settling for this kind of life, you won't be very happy in the long run. Of course, there must be a part of you who settles for this for some reason. Why do you think that you are doing that? Do you think you can't do better? Are you hoping he'll change? Do you like the feeling of being the adult in the relationship? Are you repeating your parents relationship growing up? I think that's what you really need to work on because we really can't change other people, only ourselves. I wish you luck whatever your choose to do....

Oh trust me I know.. I have gave up my lifelong Disney wedding and kids dream and have just learned to settle for my yorkies.

carmen a women's job is never done..no matter how old they are or how much you grow together. sometimes you have to overlook things more than u choose to do so..and if you loose yourself in between well thats how you grow and find out who you are...who ur not.....and u will both do alot of that. if you still find urselves together then you know no matter what the sun or the rain brings you find a way to prove your point..so they understand where the hell ur coming from and then you still wanna have sex! if u can do that almost years, upon years later....then yes you are true best friends and you will bring your ship to the port everytime together as a team, even in the worst of storms!! if not the doors will open when you grab the handle but only you can turn the knob! the doors are always around you...but only u can see them.........and if and when that time is you will know and feel obilged to urself to do so for u and only u. just my late night tired five cents. <3

I have so many single and newly single guy AND girl friends...and they want to know "where are all the good ones?" :( They\'re all settling... DON\'T DO THAT!!