Originally Posted by Carmeow (Post 4099463)

So I've been in a relationship for 5 years. Before me, when he still lived with his parents, Tony said he always kept his room extremely clean. We've lived together for a year and honestly I really feel completely miserable sometimes. Why? Because despite the fact that I am in love with him, I feel like I'm almost "doomed" to a life with a total freaking spoiled, lazy brat. His mom did all the cleaning. I mean ALL of it. His parents got divorced because his dad is disabled and his mom felt trapped and smothered.

Like I beg Tony to help around the house. He will help, but only after I'm about to cry because im so frustrated. He does nothing until I ask him. We have talked about it many, many times. I go on and on telling him how I feel and he sits there and finally says "What doyu want me to say?" And then I'm crying again because...he's just...not a man...he needs to grow up because I am not his mom and I feel like I have to be. Otherwise our housoe is a wreck. He lets dishes and trash pile up, he NEVER EVER changes Lumas potty pads...I do both of our laundry...I have to remind him to take a shower. Seriously. I am living with a child. I don't know how much more I can take.

Why is he like this? His mom did everything for him. Don't even get me started on anything to do with money. He acts so annoyed when I want him to split the cost of something with me. His grandparents pay our rent and his tuition. I pay the electricity. He buys groceries but we fight every single time we go to the store over how much we can spend. Idk what his problem is. He's 21. All he does is play videogames and leave a mess. His only responsibility is to write the damn check for our rent and he even screws THAT up, forgetting to write the check even though I remind him and even write it on a calendar. Like really?

Please, someone tell me how I can get him to grow the F up. Sorry, I am just totally at my wit's end...I'm sorry to complain...I just needed to vent and I know most of you here are older, married or more experienced women.

Originally Posted by lovespandp (Post 4099764)

A guy is messy, that is somethin to accept- having a guy not help in any way is not something you should accept. Having a guy not even able to have a mature convo with you is not something to accept. You need to realize who he is and what you should have in a relationship- this is not normal- a women should be treated like a Queen- if not find someone who will.

Originally Posted by brezofleur (Post 4099765)

Exactly. Prince Charming will not come to you on a white horse and save you from the tower. You have to meet him 1/2 way.

Originally Posted by lovespandp (Post 4099769)

Yup and trust me they are out there-- Carmen you are way too young to be dealing with this- do not waste your time.

If he loved you and respected you- he wouldnt do this to you.

If you knew how good you could have it, you would leave him in a heartbeat- i think you have tried long enough-- time for you to stand up- be a woman- be strong- and make your life better!

Originally Posted by hnybun128 (Post 4099518)

Here's the deal. This is who he is. You either accept it and figure out how to live with it or move on. He is not going to get older and magically become cleaner or more thoughtful.

Originally Posted by GuinnessStout (Post 4099594)

7 and 1/2 years here and a women's duty is to cook and clean.. Men should not clean lol and godforbid he actually pay his own bills... We have a joint account that I take care of paying his bills from.

Originally Posted by Carmeow (Post 4099748)

I just talked to him. He said exactly what I wrote here and predicted..."what do you want me ti say?" I ama mess right now and dont know what to do. I told him how I feel...hr sat in silence and only made comments to drfend himself. I excused myself to come to bed and now Im laying here reading some of your PMs and crying. I told him I wrote this here ans I hope he reads it and all of your replies. Isn't he embarrassed? Wouldn't you think he would want to cjange?

I think its not too much too much to ask for. Having a guy help out because he wants yo, not because he is told to. Seems I am not alone and this is what women have to settle for. It is sad. I admit it. I can't leave him so I will have to work on myself, accepting that this is who he is and if I really love him, I would be okay with having to pick up after him. I have yo say...I wanted to get married asap, wanted kids...now I'm rethinking it if this is who he is. I can date a boy. I won't marry a boy. If he wants to get married sometime down the road he will have to choose to grow up. I'm not marrying anything less than a man. Going to try to sleep now. Ijust need space from him and everything else. I feel lost.

Originally Posted by GuinnessStout (Post 4099773)

And I hope he doesn't come here and read that because you just gave him the ok to keep treating you like a slave that must wait on her man child... Do you really want to be?? 38 great job college educated and because of a man I have gave up my dreams of what I really wanted in life and now just settle??

Originally Posted by brezofleur (Post 4099771)

It's true! There are SO many guys out there. I know in your heart you think that this is as good as it gets and that "you need to work on you" and we're telling you that's not the case. Yes, you need to work on you...for you. Not for this "relationship." Go do things that you want to do. One of the best things I did was break up with my boyfriend of 3 years and work on cruise ships for another 3 years. I loved it! It was so much fun and it taught me so much about everything. And it's where I found my Chad. :)

Originally Posted by MandiesMom (Post 4099772)

This^



I can relate to this part of your story for sure.

Okay - here's a little about what I've learned in my 43 years. For the most part, people don't change who they are at their core. Not just men..people.

My husband is 42 years old and sounds exactly like your 21 year old BF. How do I live with it? Well, I didn't for a while. We have actually been divorced and remarried. A big reason for the divorce was because (even after a few counseling sessions), I felt like nothing was ever going to change and I was always going to be "the Mom" in the relationship. That was not what I wanted. I wanted the damn fairy tale.

2 years after the divorce and a couple of BFs (even a live-in one) later, I realized that I still wasn't happy. So I did a lot of praying and a lot of soul searching and realized that no matter what, my husband (even though he was an "ex" by law) was always going to be my husband...in my head and in my heart. Then, I had to decide what that meant to me. Was I willing to go back to being the "grown up one" to be with the man I loved? If so, why? (I mean, why would you be in love with a man-child right?) Well, I realized that what I loved about him was his heart and his work ethic and his humor and how he loved me and always looked at me like he did the day we first met. Were ALL of those reasons enough to live the rest of my life knowing I was going to get NO help around the house and I was going to have to ensure the bills were paid on time and the checking account was balanced and...so on?

For me, the answer was yes. I love him in spite of his flaws. And, you know what? I'm not that big of a thrill to live with either (took that time to admit that to myself, too). He's the Yin to my Yang. I'm super uptight and serious about stuff and he just doesn't give a crap. It frustrates me to no-end but if I am honest...we balance each other.

With that said, he was my 2nd husband at 32 years old (okay, my 2nd and 3rd lol). I experienced a lot in my adult life that led me to the conclusion of what was right for me at 40. You, my dear, haven't even experienced life yet. The break from my own husband helped us both (we learned what was really important to us). Only you can decide what is right for you, but sometimes a break is NOT a bad thing......I wish you all the best, Carmen!

Originally Posted by My lil friend (Post 4099795)

I didnt read all of the responses because my eyes are really tired. But,if I were talking to one of my daughters,this is what I have said. Men ,God love them,are not even close to being grown up until they are 30. It is the fault of our society,not all his mother's. If you love him and are willing to spend "til death do us part" with him,pick your battles. If you are wanting a 50/50 relationship ,these happen mostly in the movies and novels,not in real life. I put my DH through college,he worked part time,I worked full time. I kept the apartment that we lived in,we did the laundry (Im not going to a laundrymat by myself),grocery shopping was me or us. I ,to this day take care of all of the animals,except I do NOT walk dogs unless I am the only one home. The kitchen did and still does get cleaned by me unless I ask someone else to do it. I reserve the right to not cook any and all evenings as my personal schedule sees fit.
I do NOT put gas in my car,check the oil or any other fluid levels. If my car breaks down because he didnt take care of it, I raise H@!! and chances are pretty good that I will forget to do his laundry for a while. We have been together almost 40 years. This works for us. If you want to stay together,instead of trying to change him cause that isnt going to happen, find what works peacefully for you.

Originally Posted by ironmike86 (Post 4099799)

At least you know now. It should be 50/50 or close. But I don't clean. Our 50-50 = My wife does all the cleaning and cooking. But we are single income. I make enough for her to stay home.I pay all my bill her bills my daughters bills and Moki's. I take care of Moki = bath ect... My dog

Originally Posted by brezofleur (Post 4099801)

Relationships should absolutely be 50/50. Maybe 55/45, but definitely not 80/20 and god forbid 90/10. If it's not, move on to the next guy. If I was with a guy that didn't believe that and wanted a mother instead of a girlfriend, I was out of there regardless of how long we were together. I'd rather spend my time with someone who cherishes me and my company and not my slaving for him.

These kinds of relationships are partnerships. Show me a successful partner business that runs on 80/20. Yes, businesses and relationships are similar. You don't "run" a relationship like a business but you do have compromises and shared goals.

Originally Posted by lovespandp (Post 4099809)

Good man! Sounds 50/50 to me- you take care of her - she takes care of you

Originally Posted by alaskayorkie (Post 4099821)

I quickly scanned the replies but thought I'd offer one (old) man's perspective. I think a successful household involves dividing all the chores equally. There's no woman's work and man's work, just a team effort to get everything done.

My Mom worked part-time, so she accepted many of the daily chores. Laundry, cooking, getting the kids to school (etc.), making sure the kids did the dishes, etc. My Dad would drive us to sports' practices when he got off work and spend his weekends doing stuff like mowing lawns, tending and cleaning the pool, taking out the trash, fixing the car, etc.

For bigger projects, like painting, replacing carpet, etc., they often worked together.

While I honestly don't think I ever saw him do a dish, he shouldered his fair share of the total work. I've always tried to do the same thing in my life. There are no servants in a relationship, just an equal partnership and a plan to get everything done as a team.

Well, that's the theory anyway. Our house is often a mess, but it's both our faults!

Originally Posted by alaskayorkie (Post 4099821)

I quickly scanned the replies but thought I'd offer one (old) man's perspective. I think a successful household involves dividing all the chores equally. There's no woman's work and man's work, just a team effort to get everything done.

My Mom worked part-time, so she accepted many of the daily chores. Laundry, cooking, getting the kids to school (etc.), making sure the kids did the dishes, etc. My Dad would drive us to sports' practices when he got off work and spend his weekends doing stuff like mowing lawns, tending and cleaning the pool, taking out the trash, fixing the car, etc.

For bigger projects, like painting, replacing carpet, etc., they often worked together.

While I honestly don't think I ever saw him do a dish, he shouldered his fair share of the total work. I've always tried to do the same thing in my life. There are no servants in a relationship, just an equal partnership and a plan to get everything done as a team.

Well, that's the theory anyway. Our house is often a mess, but it's both our faults!

Originally Posted by brezofleur (Post 4099822)

I work 50+ hours a week and Chad works closer to 30-35 / week and we make about the same (lame, I know). He does more housework than I do (laundry and dishes) but it's a compromise. And he loves doing the laundry and dishes and I hate it, LOL. I still do dishes weekly though and vacuum daily and dust, etc. We both tidy and take care of the kids and do yard work.

In the end, it's pretty darn close to 50/50.



Exactly. :)

Originally Posted by lovespandp (Post 4099841)

Its not about who does what- its about working together- spliting the load of a household- being a team- partners- you can find a 50/50 relationship, along with the respect you should be getting.

Originally Posted by brezofleur (Post 4099843)

Yep! This is what works for us in terms of household work. :)

But it's more than just that. It's more than just friendship too. It's a bunch of things bundled into one. Respect, love, work, friendship, humor, work, compromise, work... and that's not all in equal blocks.

I personally feel, though, that compromise should be limited... (I.e., don't do the "you get to decorate the bathroom and I decorate the living room." Because you'll still be unhappy with the bathroom. The compromise should be something you BOTH like.)

Originally Posted by alaskayorkie (Post 4099821)

I quickly scanned the replies but thought I'd offer one (old) man's perspective. I think a successful household involves dividing all the chores equally. There's no woman's work and man's work, just a team effort to get everything done.

My Mom worked part-time, so she accepted many of the daily chores. Laundry, cooking, getting the kids to school (etc.), making sure the kids did the dishes, etc. My Dad would drive us to sports' practices when he got off work and spend his weekends doing stuff like mowing lawns, tending and cleaning the pool, taking out the trash, fixing the car, etc.

For bigger projects, like painting, replacing carpet, etc., they often worked together.

While I honestly don't think I ever saw him do a dish, he shouldered his fair share of the total work. I've always tried to do the same thing in my life. There are no servants in a relationship, just an equal partnership and a plan to get everything done as a team.

Well, that's the theory anyway. Our house is often a mess, but it's both our faults!

Originally Posted by alaskayorkie (Post 4099821)

I quickly scanned the replies but thought I'd offer one (old) man's perspective. I think a successful household involves dividing all the chores equally. There's no woman's work and man's work, just a team effort to get everything done.

My Mom worked part-time, so she accepted many of the daily chores. Laundry, cooking, getting the kids to school (etc.), making sure the kids did the dishes, etc. My Dad would drive us to sports' practices when he got off work and spend his weekends doing stuff like mowing lawns, tending and cleaning the pool, taking out the trash, fixing the car, etc.

For bigger projects, like painting, replacing carpet, etc., they often worked together.

While I honestly don't think I ever saw him do a dish, he shouldered his fair share of the total work. I've always tried to do the same thing in my life. There are no servants in a relationship, just an equal partnership and a plan to get everything done as a team.

Well, that's the theory anyway. Our house is often a mess, but it's both our faults!