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hes not going to change any time soon and this is something you need to consider if you can live with. Housework really wears on you in time. Since I went back to work my husband does help out but Im still doing things like dishes and laundry and such and sometimes I am resentful he doesnt help me with those things but there are certain things hes just not going to do so I have to accept it and in fairness he works too and he takes care of all the finances so he does do his share. I hate housework |
I dont have much experience but when my brother and I moved to study at college, he didnt do anything for himself so what I did was, I did half of the chores at the house and obligate him to do half of the others. And since he was really OCD about cleaning, he would do it cause if not the mess would stay. :) Hope you work out something!! |
I'm 26 years old. I have been married for 4 years. We have lived together for 6-7 years. I'm the messy one in the house. When I worked we would pretty much 50-50 the chores. The house would be a little messy but now that I'm not working I do most of the chores. With that being said. My husband still puts his dirty clothes BESIDE the laundry basket. There are ALWAYS shoes all over the house. Although I got plastic containers by each door for the shoes. My husband plays video games too and has to be up to speed on all electronics. My husband always looks over everything. (Ex: He fed the cat and dog each others food while I was gone for 5 days even tho the containers have their names on them) But my husband puts me first on everything. I'm sure... he could come up with a bigger list then this for me. If you don't love the life your in... it is never to late to get out. After reading this thread.... I'm sad and happy. Sad that people go through things like this. And I'm happy that I have the best husband. |
Interesting topic... I have often felt different types of emotions about my DH not doing much around the house. Honestly, for my generation (Baby Boomers), I think some of us (women) thought we could do it all, in the work force and at home. It reminds me of the old, old, commercial, "I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan, and never, never let him forget he is a man." (something like that) Does anyone remember that commercial for perfume? Anyway, I digress... so here we have a whole generation of women going off to work, but not having a generation of men that were used to helping around the house. And, if we did not raise our sons to be helpful, the whole cycle starts over again. I have learned to pick and choose my battles through the years, and realize that I am going to be the one keeping the house clean because it is more important to me. My DH has lots of other great qualities, so I have accepted this. Kind of a compromise in my own head. Good luck to you, as you sort through this... |
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one more thing. i know people say it's settling and at times i admit i felt like i did..but looking back today i wouldnt be where i am today without the challenges...the adversity and the pain ive faced (not just dh but all of lifes curveballs). i love who i am today and without all those bumps and pot holes along the road with my dh i wouldnt be me. dont get me wrong if tony were mentally or physically abusive that would be different i wouldnt think you should stay one minute longer. my father beat my mother and if jason ever touched me i wouldve left before he could turn his head and he knew that. i just think you are put where you are for a reason and there is always a lesson to learn from it. i agree with everyone that you have to do what is best for your soul carmen and i hope you and tony can find a common path that works for both of you. leaving someone doesnt always lead you to the road of self worth...you have to find it yourself no matter who you sleep next to or not next to. know your worth and demand the respect you deserve. |
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Very well said..."I am woman ..hear me roar"" I do think life is seen through different glasses. What I mean is, if I am in a bad mood (having a pity party so to speak) I could tell you my life story and make you cry. I would focus on the sad events the negative. It would be true but is it the whole story? If I am in a great mood and told my life story (same life) it would sound happy...challenging events at times of hardship but a lot of happiness and blessings. Which is the truth? It all comes down to you... your mental health, your view of what your life with your bf is and your view of your future. We want you to make the decision with a healthy heart and head. I am not saying leave him...if he was absuing you in any way I would come help you pack..but it does not sound like he is. I am saying ... you change. The only person you have control of is you. Yes, I have read some of your other post about making good choices on your life. You are getting out more, you are making friends that is sooooo great!! Good first steps. As to going back to NC..well you really never can go home (I understand, I hate Miami I am just a southern girl at heart and would love to move back to Bristol Va)..home is where the people you love are. Work on ONE thing at a time with him. For example I do have my dh loading and unload the dishwasher... yea!! Small steps. He did remind me I don't give him credit for watering the plants, taking out the garabage, changing all the light blubs etc. You know...he was right:rolleyes: oh well... hope my ramblings help in some small way. What I tell my girls who are around your age....make a list ..pro & cons which side wins? |
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My husband is very self sufficient, and I helped his kids get that way, even though they do their own laundry and clean up the dinner dishes and sometimes even cook dinner, I still need to stay on top of them to change their bedsheets, take their shoes off when they come in or sweep the floor. I still need to clean the bathrooms if I want them done good. I still have a lot of work to keep up with 3 guys in my house and that is when they are all pretty ok about cleaning up after themselves... imagine if you had 2 kids and Tony... you'd be on meds to get through every single day! AARRGGGG |
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Im sorry sweetie, I think you are mistaking love for codependency. The only reason you were soooo depressed when you were dating long distance is because you never gave yourself a chance (since you were 15) to live without him. You always hung onto him. Ive been there girl! I was soooooooo IN LOVE with a guy when I was 19. Would have done ANYTHING, put up with ANYTHING, been anything he wanted to keep him. I was his mommy, his girlfriend, his last priority, and his doormat. Yet I stayed for 10 years. We broke up 2x for 9 months each time. I went back to him each time and kept contact with him during those time. After the 2nd time he told me he made up his mind, he loved me, wanted to be with me forever, and would marry me. 2 years later we bought a house (still no ring) 4 years later, we got engaged (after 9 years together) and 5 months later he ended it AGAIN!!!!!! I sold the house, I moved on and told him to NEVER contact me again. It was soooooo damn hard, I LOVED him .... for all he didn't deserve my love. But knowing in my head I was DONE for real... getting my life back, being MY first priority to myself and now making sure that I was never back burnered by another man. I met my now husband ... who treats me like I am (tied with his kids) his first priority, he appreciates me, thinks of me, helps me, and I fell in love again. I thought Id never fall in love again... I thought I was broken, useless, destroyed.... and I fell in love again!! I gave life a chance w/o my ex. Who really knew, when one door REALLY closes, another one REALLY can open! |
The only thing I can suggest to you is that you take a look at your initial post......read it as if it were your best friend telling that story of her life. What advice would you give to her? Be your own best friend, Carmen. |
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Hey I have had a thought in the past and whose to say I won't do it in the future! LOL My husbands wallet squeaks when he opens it.... I often joke that every once in awhile, I WD40 it (oil it so it won't squeak! LOL) Well.... whenever he lets things start to go, I just say to him, "Its ok if you don't want to mow the lawn. I'll just call TruGreen, they charge about $70, I think, to mow the lawn." BOOM... mowed the next day! haha Now Im talking about getting a housekeeper, it's about $80, 2x a month. Suddenly he *FOUND* where we keep the broom, and even cleaned the bathroom! AMAZING! :) Works for the dump runs to, "hey, there is trash pickup here, private of course, I think it's 1 day a week for $40 a month, would that be better than you taking the trash to the dump yourself?" **BOOM** Trailer loaded, trash taken to dump! This works so much better than yelling, lecturing, crying, getting frustrated, fighting with him! Just tell Tony that you'll hire a cleaning company 1-2x a month so the house can at least maintain a minimal standard of clean that makes you happy. Sounds to me (like my husband) that he might start lifting fingers instead of opening his squeaky wallet)! Trust me, you can hire someone to do ANYTHING.... just google a price (or make one up!) and tell him you were thinking you would do that because you really need the help! |
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LOL Sounds like my DH!! It's so funny to see- I always see his clothes thrown over -right next (touching) the laundry basket on the floor!! LOL I am like " if it is that close why don't you just put them IN the basket"??!! LOL "??!! LOL When he comes home he leaves a trail leading to the shower- I will have to pick up, socks, shoes, belts off the floor. LOL However I wouldn't change him for anything, I feel very blessed to have him. |
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I AGREE with brezofleur: "Relationships should absolutely be 50/50. Maybe 55/45, but definitely not 80/20 and god forbid 90/10." You are not going to change him. Especially if you are getting that type of response from him when you try and talk to him about it. It’s True! What do you want him to say?? This is who he is. I don’t think it is a matter of Growing Up! This is what he is used to. This is how he was raised. It is as if you have reached a fork in the road… which way do you choose to go? If you truly believe that he is your lazy, messy soulmate and you decide to accept him then you need to accept that this is what You have chosen… what you are signing up for. Also, if this is what you chose, then you shouldn’t be talking about it in any bad way in the future. That just isn’t fair to him. A co-worker of mine is going through something similar. It has started affecting other things between them and as much as she Loves him, she literally Dreads coming home to the point where she Immediately gets thrown into a bad mood when she sees his car in the driveway. Sad! I think you have got a lot of good advice here… - I do wish you luck with whatever you decide. |
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Good luck in whatever you decide! |
Do you love Tony so much that you are willing to accept him, his good qualities, his love for you and provider potential along with this and any other disappointing qualities? |
Ha... Yes... Touching the basket!! Yes, by no means I was telling her to leave him. Sometimes it is just depressing when there never seems time for each other. My husband is fasting from his Xbox for 21 days. Last night was the first night of him being upstairs with me. I don't know if I can take 21 days of the extra noise upstairs!! |
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Alisha is the funniest person on YT! |
I wonder why Carmen hasn't posted anything- Seems odd to me- you ask for that kind of advice and you don’t respond?? Maybe it was overwhelming for her? |
Yes, it has been overwhelming. I'm sorry I haven't responded to everyone. Thank you to everyone who offered me advice here and in PMs. We had a very, very long talk last night. I think we will be okay if he keeps showing me that he's trying. Not just long enough to get out of jail free, but for the long run. I kepttelling him I wanted him to promise me things would change, but he is afraid to break a promise if he doesn't live up to my very high expectations. I just wanted him to know that I dont WANT to feel like his mother, but right now I do. It won't happen overnight. I don't care who gets mad at me for not immediately breaking up with him. I came here pointing out the negatives but it isn't the whole picture, and its not an accurate portrait of who he is. I have to admit that I have thought for a long time that I may be struggling with OCD. I've never admitted that, even to myself, that it may be pretty serious case of it. Old habits die hard I guess but you can change habits if you keep working at it. I think I'm very hard on him and he puts up with it. I love him for that reason. So I should love him for his flaws too. |
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bingo thats what i am!! i was and still am but a softer version. nothing is perfect enough because i will not allow myself to actually believe i did a good job. im very hard on myself and those around me. i strive for this ridiculous perfection that doesnt exist! im better in my old age but he has put up with me!! lol so glad you guys talked thats what best friends do! hope the tomorrows remind him to strive for the ocd we are trying to reduce!! :D becoming complacent is something that all long term relationships need a reminder not to allow. :rolleyes: |
Why wouldn’t you give the accurate portrait of who is was..? I think you are making excuses for him- Once again you are blaming yourself. Those aren’t flaws he has- its laziness. You having to remind him to shower… that’s a flaw? Doing 95 % of the work is a flaw? Him not taking responsibility for him..that’s a flaw? Him looking at Luma’s pee pad- knowing it needs to be changed and not changing it.. that’s a flaw?? No- you are very blind in this. You are making big time excuses for him- You really need to get your self esteem up, and work on yourself- if not he will continue to bring you down. How are you hard on him? He doesn’t do anything and gets away with it? He isn’t going to change because he has been like this for 5 years- of course he will tell you everything you want to hear today/ last night… Girl 5 years down the road when he hasn’t changed and you are still doing 95% of the work you will be sick of it- You wanted mature advice- women who have been there done that- you get tons of advice, a handful of women have told you how it will be and you still make excuses for him—Not good- I will pray that you get the strength to stand up for yourself and get that self esteem that you are lacking. You should never settle for that- You can be so much happier in your life- |
Ohhh I hope people don't get mad mad at you for not immediately breaking up with him!! I see it as Nothing but Laziness and Filth! :rolleyes: He can't make any Promises to you because he knows what he wants to and does not want to do. Again, Laziness! I don't know which is worse... The Shower... or the peepad thing! or the dishes... or the trash!! Goodness!! You are making your bed... only you will have to lay in it... it is nobody else's decision. Just don't complain about it or talk bad about it to anybody besides a therapist, going forward. It's not fair to him! I just thank the lord I don't have self esteem issues!! |
Nobody can get mad at you for not breaking up with him. It's your life you choose to live it as you please. But promises mean nothing, he can promise anything until he's blue in the face. Instead it's all about his actions. He obviously will not change overnight, but he cannot be forced to change either. He needs to have the desire to change, in order to change. The hardest thing to realize is the only person you have control over is yourself. |
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I think some people are being waaaayyy too hard on you....taking the snippets of your life that you are revealing, and then assuming based on their own personal situations/experiences that they know your WHOLE situation. |
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