Vent-what would you do?? - Page 2 - YorkieTalk.com Forums

Britster · 07-12-2011, 06:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jinger

I have a 20-year old daughter and 18-year old son, and I'm also a certified Youth and Young Adult Coach.
This is all just my opinion, but it has worked for me and for others.
I strongly believe that consequences should always be natural...just as they are for us as adults. Children, starting at a very young age, really are so similar to us--just younger and sometimes smaller. Every teen I've encountered has grown and matured by being treated as if they already have. If YOU broke the shelf, by mistake, what would your options be? I'm guessing getting a new shelf, figuring out a new plan for a doggie armoire, or fixing it. If it was my son, I would give him the exact same options, or choose the one you would like. He will learn on his own to be careful, and might really take the "carelessness" assumption too much to heart. What we probably wouldn't do, as adults, is take our own phone away if we broke our shelf, nor would we want someone to tell us to only do what they've asked us to do, and nothing else. We would get so frustrated about the "injustice" that we may take that frustration out it undesirable ways--rebellion, feeling sullen, resentment...so many.
I'll guess his Love Language is acts of service, and deep down he wants to do things for people and just doesn't quite know how to express that and accomplish that yet. Especially if he is "new" in your home. Overriding that somewhat subconscious desire to help with projects is very difficult at his age.
So, to make a long post even longer...
Always try to match the consequence to the mistake...just like what actually happens to us. A couple for instances: If you find that your son has been calling "Adult" phone lines

, or overusing his minutes or text limits, THEN it makes sense to tell him, "Cell phones are to be used when we can handle the limitations our family puts on them. Until I feel like you've shown me you CAN handle it again, I will keep your cell phone for you. The timing is up to YOU, and the way you show me is up to you." Then, as mom, be open; could be one day, may end up being a week...you'll know.
If a child doesn't clean up their room, I've found that no amount of telling, pleading or yelling will really help long term. But explaining to them that any clothes, belongings or property that gets damaged because of their poor housekeeping skills will need to be replaced does. Or, letting them know that you gave them a room our of respect for their privacy and so they could enjoy a place of their own; so, perhaps they don't need it?
Re: the trash, couple of options: 1. "You didn't take the trash out as you said you would, so I had to do it myself; now, I'm too tired/frustrated to...make your dinner...take you to _____. Once I've re-energized (and feel free to help me with that if you think of something) I will be able to help you with your things again."
Does that long-winded, abbreviated, early-morning explanation make sense?
Good luck, and enjoy him every minute that you can!
I have tons of books (and thoughts I'm not very good at keeping to myself

, if you have parenting questions, and I'm happy to help if I can!

What a GREAT post -- you sound like an awesome Mom!!

Jinger · 07-12-2011, 07:14 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Britster

What a GREAT post -- you sound like an awesome Mom!!

Thanks, Brittany! YOU are one incredible young lady, and I have been amazed by your maturity and insight when you post. I'm sure all parents hope and pray that their child turns out in such a way. Keep up the great outlook and your compassion and insight!

McheleM · 07-13-2011, 01:26 AM

I actually printed off the cont education class list and marked 2 classes I would like to take and then left it on the table. I never mentioned anything to him, or asked if he was interested, but he asked me what it was. I replied oh, it's some classes I was thinking about signing up for at the college but I don't know yet. He looked over the list and mentioned that a photography class sounded kind of cool.
Hubby and I talked about and have decided to sit him down and talk to him. We are making a list of to do things around the house. Things I want/need done that we feel he can handle and instead of changing the oil in the lawnmower, he can choose things off this list. It's a safe list of acceptable things so to speak. If those things are done CORRECTLY and safely, they will have a dollar amount attached and that amount will be taken off the 70.00 for the bookshelf. If not done correctly, or he chooses not to do them at all, then he will be responsible for coming up with the money another way.
He needs to learn that there are rules, even in a job things are supposed to be done a certain way, and if those rules/instructions aren't followed there are consequences. (hubby caught an interior wall on fire once not paying attention when trying to solder a pipe).

I am buying the new bookshelf tomorrow. The broken will be his to do with as he pleases, since technically he is paying for it. He and I will put the new one together and we will do it properly, by reading the instructions first.

I dread the day he wants to learn to drive!!!!

susan lynn · 07-13-2011, 03:23 AM

I am glad you started this thread. I have a 17 year old that is a good kid, but with an attitude. He knows everything, since he is an only child to older parents 54 and 70 he is spoiled. He does good in school but is lazy. A month ago he had a minor accident leaving football practice. Husband went crazy, he is very strict on him. Thankfully he wasn't ticketed but dad took the car away and cell phone ( that is like cutting off his hand) and made him work very hard doing construction to pay for the damage. After 3 weeks he got the car back on Sunday. Monday morning he calls to tell me he is leaving football practice, 10 minutes later he calls me to tell me "Mom I think I am about to get a ticket" I was devastated, knew DH would go really crazy. He was ticketed for going 24 over the speed limit. Every time he walked out the door I would say, Be careful, I love you, Watch your speed. Found out yesterday he will have a large fine, suspended license for 6 months, probably community service. I am just so sick about this. Of course husband took away everything, car, all phones, and all computers. He will be a Senior next year and this is suppose to be one of the best years of your life, but his will be terrible. The Georgia teen driving laws are so strict and I agree with them but it is just very hard on me. Now I have to go back to taking him everywhere, like he is 14, my only comfort is my son is alive and in good health and not wrapped around a tree somewhere because he chooses to drive too fast. Hoping he learns a very important lesson from this. I Thank God for him everyday.

My lil friend · 07-13-2011, 06:10 AM

It sounds like ya'll have a plan and are moving in a good direction.
When my children turn 20 they pay rent to me (water,food,electricty,laundry service,pet food and care). If they are struggling, I am MORE than willing to take it out in trade. I have foyer tile,poolsteps,ramp to barn,hottub steps,painted several rooms,and furniture redone. They also get the benefit of learning a skill while they are at it. Each of the older kids that have done work for me ,actuall have enjoyed the work and like keeping their $$.

susan lynn · 07-13-2011, 06:15 AM

My son does all this hard work in the summer and on Saturdays, 8-10 hours outside, painting, pouring concrete, replacing boards, shingles, lawn work (5 acres) etc. and doesn't get the money, it goes for gas in the car and insurance.

My lil friend · 07-13-2011, 06:33 AM

Life just isnt free,at 20 if they are not here because they are working,but sleep here,then it isn't free. If they are having job issues (son laid off from work) and are here then they work here and hopefully find a job quickly.
At this time my family is VERY blessed to be able to say that the 5 kids that are old enough to have a job do and number 6 works for me.

McheleM · 07-13-2011, 08:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by susan lynn

My son does all this hard work in the summer and on Saturdays, 8-10 hours outside, painting, pouring concrete, replacing boards, shingles, lawn work (5 acres) etc. and doesn't get the money, it goes for gas in the car and insurance.

We have a general rule that if you work and are In school, (passing grades in college) we don't charge rent. The 18 yr old will start paying for her phone and car insurance in august, and we will pay for college.
The 20 yr old is self sufficient- married and her and her husband live a few miles away. I don't have to worry about her, just the grand baby. He's spoiled like the dogs are.
Luckily son doesn't have a car and insurance yet. We still have another year before I have to worry with this!!!

On my list is tile removal from the kitchen/dining room. I bought new tile a year ago and because of being pregnant, we waited to have it put in. The removal of the old tile is on the list of things to do- I figure it's safe enough. There is also a ton of prep work to be done in the back yard to prepare for a new deck and pond so if nothing else, he'll be too exhausted to want to do anything else lol.

Right now he's at my in laws doing their yard. My father in law is going to talk to him as well. He looks up to father in law so maybe some of it will sink in.

My lil friend · 07-13-2011, 09:25 AM

I have a friend that has 7 sons. She says that young men NEED hard work. When alot of farming and ranching was being done to survive,boys were just to tired to get into anything. They were just glad that somebody (usually mom and sisters) put a plate infront of them at the end of the day. There is a bit of truth to it.

07-13-2011, 01:26 AM	#18
McheleM Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2011 Location: Mesquite, TX Posts: 2,659	I actually printed off the cont education class list and marked 2 classes I would like to take and then left it on the table. I never mentioned anything to him, or asked if he was interested, but he asked me what it was. I replied oh, it's some classes I was thinking about signing up for at the college but I don't know yet. He looked over the list and mentioned that a photography class sounded kind of cool. Hubby and I talked about and have decided to sit him down and talk to him. We are making a list of to do things around the house. Things I want/need done that we feel he can handle and instead of changing the oil in the lawnmower, he can choose things off this list. It's a safe list of acceptable things so to speak. If those things are done CORRECTLY and safely, they will have a dollar amount attached and that amount will be taken off the 70.00 for the bookshelf. If not done correctly, or he chooses not to do them at all, then he will be responsible for coming up with the money another way. He needs to learn that there are rules, even in a job things are supposed to be done a certain way, and if those rules/instructions aren't followed there are consequences. (hubby caught an interior wall on fire once not paying attention when trying to solder a pipe). I am buying the new bookshelf tomorrow. The broken will be his to do with as he pleases, since technically he is paying for it. He and I will put the new one together and we will do it properly, by reading the instructions first. I dread the day he wants to learn to drive!!!! __________________ "You've never learned to live until you've done something for someone for which they can never repay you."~Ralph Hall. Last edited by McheleM; 07-13-2011 at 01:27 AM.

07-13-2011, 03:23 AM	#19
susan lynn Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Georgia Posts: 3,262	I am glad you started this thread. I have a 17 year old that is a good kid, but with an attitude. He knows everything, since he is an only child to older parents 54 and 70 he is spoiled. He does good in school but is lazy. A month ago he had a minor accident leaving football practice. Husband went crazy, he is very strict on him. Thankfully he wasn't ticketed but dad took the car away and cell phone ( that is like cutting off his hand) and made him work very hard doing construction to pay for the damage. After 3 weeks he got the car back on Sunday. Monday morning he calls to tell me he is leaving football practice, 10 minutes later he calls me to tell me "Mom I think I am about to get a ticket" I was devastated, knew DH would go really crazy. He was ticketed for going 24 over the speed limit. Every time he walked out the door I would say, Be careful, I love you, Watch your speed. Found out yesterday he will have a large fine, suspended license for 6 months, probably community service. I am just so sick about this. Of course husband took away everything, car, all phones, and all computers. He will be a Senior next year and this is suppose to be one of the best years of your life, but his will be terrible. The Georgia teen driving laws are so strict and I agree with them but it is just very hard on me. Now I have to go back to taking him everywhere, like he is 14, my only comfort is my son is alive and in good health and not wrapped around a tree somewhere because he chooses to drive too fast. Hoping he learns a very important lesson from this. I Thank God for him everyday. __________________ SUSAN : TESSIE : HOBBES :CALVIN :SASSY There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face! ~ Ben Williams

07-13-2011, 06:15 AM	#21
susan lynn Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Georgia Posts: 3,262	My son does all this hard work in the summer and on Saturdays, 8-10 hours outside, painting, pouring concrete, replacing boards, shingles, lawn work (5 acres) etc. and doesn't get the money, it goes for gas in the car and insurance. __________________ SUSAN : TESSIE : HOBBES :CALVIN :SASSY There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face! ~ Ben Williams

07-13-2011, 06:10 AM	#20
My lil friend Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: FtWorth,TX,USA Posts: 3,269	It sounds like ya'll have a plan and are moving in a good direction. When my children turn 20 they pay rent to me (water,food,electricty,laundry service,pet food and care). If they are struggling, I am MORE than willing to take it out in trade. I have foyer tile,poolsteps,ramp to barn,hottub steps,painted several rooms,and furniture redone. They also get the benefit of learning a skill while they are at it. Each of the older kids that have done work for me ,actuall have enjoyed the work and like keeping their $$.

07-13-2011, 06:33 AM	#22
My lil friend Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: FtWorth,TX,USA Posts: 3,269	Life just isnt free,at 20 if they are not here because they are working,but sleep here,then it isn't free. If they are having job issues (son laid off from work) and are here then they work here and hopefully find a job quickly. At this time my family is VERY blessed to be able to say that the 5 kids that are old enough to have a job do and number 6 works for me.

07-13-2011, 09:25 AM	#24
My lil friend Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2011 Location: FtWorth,TX,USA Posts: 3,269	I have a friend that has 7 sons. She says that young men NEED hard work. When alot of farming and ranching was being done to survive,boys were just to tired to get into anything. They were just glad that somebody (usually mom and sisters) put a plate infront of them at the end of the day. There is a bit of truth to it.