Really could use some advice

[EverythingMiley]

I've spent the last few hours bawling my head off.
my son is 21 and he and I got into a fight. He had been living here and up and takes off 3 hours away without even tellin me then comes up and starts packng his stuff. Going to move in with a couple that I know are just using him for his money. I could tell the girl didn't even want hm there..I begged him not to go. I'm so afraid they are going to spend all his money before he starts his job and gets paid and put him out.
HOw do I detach myself and let him make his own mistake. I've already made one trip to the hospital because I worry so much about my two oldest. I know I need to let them live their own lives but I really don't know how to let go and quit worrying myself sick over it all. I love them so much and I"m so afraid they will end up somthing happening to them. I've never had to parent in this way til just recentely and I honestly don't know how to handle it. Between him and my daughter they are making me miserable. I just want whats best for them. I feel like ive worked so hard to raise them right only for them to do the stiupidist things. I don't understand where i've went wrong..So what do I do? Any advice please.

[Moose1215]

Well heres some small advice:

go and talk to him CAMLY and just say you can tell she doesnt want him there, and she is just going to use him for his money, and you don't want to worry. You just want to know that he's going to be all right. If that doesn't work, then you need to go to the couple he's staying with yourself, and tell her what you feel and think. Just ask them, if hey say no, then try to get proof in some way!

[capt_noonie]

Oh I'm sorry to hear that. If you know you have been a good mother and tried your best, then that's all you can do. he is 21 and an adult, and let's face it 21 yr olds think they know everything. Hmm, come to think of it, so do teenagers. Anyway, yes he has to make his own mistakes and learn. Same with me, i saw my older sister always have problems with money, racking up her credit cards, crying to daddy when she needed to get bailed out. But when it came to my time, I got a credit card with a $5000 limit, and guess what i did? Go shopping, take my friends out to dinner, stupid stuff. I just barely finished paying off my cards from when I was in college. I'm almost 30 now.

Just try not the strain the relationship with your son so that IF he ever does need your help, he won't be ashamed to admit to you that you were right and he was wrong and that he needs your help.

[FlDebra]

One of the hardest parts of being a parent is letting them make their own mistakes. I wanted to step in all the time and still do even though my two oldest are married with kids of their own. You just have to come to a point that you give them your best advice as calmly as you can, then step aside and let them fly on their own a little.

I could not be reasoned with when I was young. I had great parenting but could not wait to get out there and make my own mistakes. I made lots of them too, but at least my folks had given me enough to KNOW when I had made a mistake, and I could learn from it, and carry on once again. My oldest was just like me. Could not wait to get on his own. He readily admits making a lot of wrong turns but he has also become a very successful, happy man I am so very proud of! My second son, stayed at home longer, he was less adventurous. I thought he was making some wrong decisions from time to time as well. He too, has become a very happy and successful man who I am also very proud of. I expect my third son will also follow suit and make a lot of decisions I do not agree with. He may be the hardest head of them all but I have no doubt that he will work his way through and also become happy and successful at whatever he chooses to do.

The point is, you lay a good foundation, let them know how much they are loved and then let them try their wings -- even when you feel they are not making a good decsion. Chance are they will turn out just fine. I let them know the door will always be open.

I hated even sharing my kids with the school systems -- letting them go off to make their own lives is a LOT harder! Hang in there!

Came back to add something. The first time I moved out many many years ago, it was in anger and in with friends. I had just graduated from HS but was not 18, so my mom came and got me and made me come back home. Very embarassing. But she made me a deal, if I wanted to move out, do it calmly, not in anger, after I turned 18 and she would even help me find an apartment and give me some things to start out. She held true to her word and helped me get started in my first little apartment. That was a much better situation all the way around. Maybe soemthing like that would work here. Not the waiting til 18, as he is already 21, but waiting and finding a better place of his own.

[EverythingMiley]

Sorry it has taken me so long to post but I needed time to absorb what was told to me here. I want to thank you both for giving me such good advice and helping me understand it all better. Somehow you both have managed to make this a little easier on me. I just needed someone to help me sort it all out and I know what you said is so true. For the first tme in months I actually feel like I can handle this a little better. YOu are so right if I don't let them spread their wings they will never learn to fly. Thank you both so much.

Moose sorry I ddn't see ur posst..thank you toofor the advice.

[Hollee]

If you and your son are already on unsteady terms, I wouldnt try to persuade him not to go. That will make him want to do it just to spite you. Trust me, I am twenty years old and while I am a grown-up I still feel the need to defy my mother at times. Take a step back, and let him know you'll be there always (or you can tell him not to come crying to you whenever they take all his money, whichever stance you may take lol), and let it go at that. He may fall down but at least it will teach him a leson. I have learned lessons the hard way and while it sucked, I am still glad that I did it and learned on my own. It is so much more meaningful to learn things yourself! I am sure you raised good kids- but thats what they are, just kids. Big kids, but still kids Everything will work out.

[EverythingMiley]

Hollee
I let him go I didn't really have a choice but i'm not going to lie I made an ass out of myself trying to stop him. I threatned to slice the tires on his friends car if he left with my son lol..I didn't handle it well at all. Its not that I don't want him to go make a life of his own. I"m just so afraid how this big ol world will treat him while he tries to make his own mark on it. It makes it hard cause I raised him without his dad in the picture and I have spent his whole life feeling like i had to protect him so no one would ever hurt him again like his dad did when he walked out of his life. But now i have to trust that he will somehow remember all i've taught him.