Do you think I am being to harsh

[Bizzymammabee]

His parents sound like a real piece of work. His behaviour is a direct effect of the way they raise him, the things they teach and what lack of tolerance they are teaching him. Very sad. It hurts to deny any child something so small that may bring enjoyment but at the end of the day it's best to keep your child safe and out of harms way.

[Nancy1999]

I would like you to look at this from a different way. Bullies are created, not born. At the heart of every bully is a scared little child, who has learned to attack first. Bullies are usually bullied by their own parents, and I think other adults in the lives can have a tremendous impact in them learning socially acceptable behavior. If I were you, I would probably say, "I've thought about what I said to you, and think perhaps I haven't been fair, and I think I should give you a chance to make friends with my sons. I expect you to follow my rules and treat my sons and me with respect, is that acceptable to you?" Then I would watch the kid, and compliment the bully on the first acceptable thing he did, whether it's a joke or being nice to someone, it's so important to point out their "good" behavior because many kids only get attention for bad behavior. I'm one of those people who believe, "It takes a village to raise a child."

[flgurl69]

I don't think you were being harsh.

When I was a kid there were 2 or 3 neighborhood girls who tormented me all the time, calling me names, etc. No one else in the neighborhood had a pool. Well the day came that my father had a pool built and wouldn't you know all of a sudden I had all kinds of friends. Those girls who tormented me started talking to me. They asked if they could come over and go swimming. I made up excuses why I couldn't go swimming until they finally got the hint. They were definitely not my friends. They continued to try their best to get under my skin or hurt my feelings until we were all in high school....guess they finally grew up.

[blueeyes_jd]

Originally Posted by Mom to Hot Rod

I don't think you were harsh at all. If this boy is serious about being friends with your sons, he will prove it by doing so after summer and for the rest of the time they see each other. This boy needs to learn that there are consequences for his actions. It's a shame that his parents/step parent have not taught him this.

Having said that, Maybe Lincoln can tell you if he wishes to befriend this boy. Kids sometimes (not necessarily all the time) have a six sense about other kids. If your son feels comfortable with this boy coming over, maybe the three of you could come to an agreement about it. The very first time he messes up, he's outta there-zero tolerance!

Good luck.

I agaree!!! but BROVO Mom!!!

[blueeyes_jd]

Originally Posted by Nancy1999

I would like you to look at this from a different way. Bullies are created, not born. At the heart of every bully is a scared little child, who has learned to attack first. Bullies are usually bullied by their own parents, and I think other adults in the lives can have a tremendous impact in them learning socially acceptable behavior. If I were you, I would probably say, "I've thought about what I said to you, and think perhaps I haven't been fair, and I think I should give you a chance to make friends with my sons. I expect you to follow my rules and treat my sons and me with respect, is that acceptable to you?" Then I would watch the kid, and compliment the bully on the first acceptable thing he did, whether it's a joke or being nice to someone, it's so important to point out their "good" behavior because many kids only get attention for bad behavior. I'm one of those people who believe, "It takes a village to raise a child."

GREAT INPUT!!!

[Yorkieforme]

GOOD FOR YOU!! You did exactly the right thing! I had an issue with a kid bullying my son years ago ( when my son was 9)..and he actually taught his dog to go after my son...and my son was attacked and severly injured by this Mastiff..these people were our next door neighbors...it evolved into a major law suit (which my son won). We had to sell our home and move (to a different town - different school)...my son was so terrified after..the dog was still there...not the dogs fault...he was following a command...
It has been 10 years now and this "bully" has had some major issues!! I was gratefull that we got far away from him!

[Nancy1999]

I think it's a great idea to get your son's input on this matter. It would be good time to explain to him why people say mean things to other "because they don't feel good about themselves, and want to make others feel bad too." I do think if you allow the child over, swimming is the prefect activity since they need adult supervision at all times, and you will be able to watch how the child interacts with your children. There's no doubt he break one of your rules, he'll be testing you. Your reaction is very important, don't show any anger, and in a non-judgmental voice, tell him what you want. For example, please don't use words like that, that's not acceptable. If your angry with my son tell him why, and maybe you two can work something out." If he continues to break rules, say something like, "It looks like you are having a bad day, and don't want to follow my rules. You need to go home for today, but please come and visit us again when you are in a better mood."

You don't need to tell these kids they are "bad" they already think that about themselves. You can really make a difference in this child's life, and your son will learn some important life lessons as well. I've worked with some pretty hard-core juvenile delinquents, and it's amazing what a few kind words will do.

[sammiz]

I believe you are right in letting this child know that there are consequences for actions. Good consequences for good actions and bad consequences for bad actions.

If he is in the sixth grade and always bullying your child, then your child has enough problems with putting up with it in other areas of his life and shouldn't be put into a position to have to put up with it in his own personal domain.

I am all for helping kids find their way, but your 'first job' is the safety and well being of your child.

I applaud you for taking a stand against bullying. More people should.

[Mom to Hot Rod]

:

Originally Posted by Nancy1999

I think it's a great idea to get your son's input on this matter. It would be good time to explain to him why people say mean things to other "because they don't feel good about themselves, and want to make others feel bad too." I do think if you allow the child over, swimming is the prefect activity since they need adult supervision at all times, and you will be able to watch how the child interacts with your children. There's no doubt he break one of your rules, he'll be testing you. Your reaction is very important, don't show any anger, and in a non-judgmental voice, tell him what you want. For example, please don't use words like that, that's not acceptable. If your angry with my son tell him why, and maybe you two can work something out." If he continues to break rules, say something like, "It looks like you are having a bad day, and don't want to follow my rules. You need to go home for today, but please come and visit us again when you are in a better mood."

You don't need to tell these kids they are "bad" they already think that about themselves. You can really make a difference in this child's life, and your son will learn some important life lessons as well. I've worked with some pretty hard-core juvenile delinquents, and it's amazing what a few kind words will do.

[sammiz]

What makes a Bully?

Bullying behavior can be identified as early as pre-school age, and some children who are bullies continue this behavior into adulthood. Most children learn to control their anger and fighting instincts as they grow older, but not the bully. These children have special characteristics. Children who systematically bully others usually have a group of children they bully regularly while other bullies randomly target a variety of students.
Bullies have particular behavior and personality traits. Dr. Sam Samenow describes these as:

greater than average aggressive behavior patterns
the desire to dominate peers
the need to feel in control, to win
no sense of remorse for hurting another child
a refusal to accept responsibility for his/her behavior
Parent(s) of bullies usually support their child's aggressive behavior toward other children and often bully their child.

What happens to Victims?

Adults, like children, resent being bullied, except that adult victims have more options available to them than do child victims. Children cannot escape the school yard, the change room, or the cafeteria. Sometimes, victims do not survive the torture and humiliation of bullying.
In most situations, victims do survive, but carry their emotional scars for a lifetime.

Above statements are excerpts from:

Bully B'ware Productions - take action against bullying

which is a very informative site regarding the very real impact that bullys have. In this day and time with everything that goes on in schools and 'children' committing atrocities against their peers and teachers....well, I think it is no longer just a little 'picking on someone' problem. It goes so much deeper than that. Sometimes it is a matter of life and death. Consider the ages of the children that have been invloved in a schoolyard plot or action against their peers or teachers. Getting younger and younger?

__________________________________________________ ________

[Sandysbabies]

Maybe since he is effidently not learning anything at home it will be a good lesson for him. Actions have consequences and maybe he will think before he calls someone else a retard. I think you did the right thing.

[chattiesmom]

Way to go, Mom! Stick to your word and don't let him swim all summer, but maybe if he continues to come over, a bit of strictly supervised time with Lincoln may help take care of the meanness.

I wonder if he is abused at home and that is why he is mean to others?????

[sammiz]

Originally Posted by adorame;[COLOR="Blue"

[/COLOR]2034381]I am glad that you all seem to agree with how I handled this bratty kid. 2 years of this kid being nasty to my son is just a bit much for me to forget and just let him hop in and use my kids because we have a pool. I did let my next door neighbors son and daughter in because they alway's play nice with my younger 2 and their son gets to spend the night 2 Saturdays every month( we take turns having the kids at each house)

I let this kid over last year when we got the Nintendo Wii and he showed up after hearing we had it. i thought maybe this would get him to be nicer to Lincoln at school, He played for the most part of the day. I let him over 3 more times because Lincoln asked if he could play, about 2 week later this kid was back to his mean nasty self. Lincoln thinks that he will just use him for his pool like he did the Wii, and he said he doesn't need a "fake friend".

We have been involved with his parents from the first time it was brought to our attention this kid was so mean. This year at the bus stop He pushed Lincoln down and kicked his head he got suspended for 3 day's for it and we were called to have an intervention with Lincoln and this kid and his family and the Principal. They were mad that thier kid got into trouble and got 3 day suspension, but cared less on to why he was tormenting my kid. I guess things have been bad and the school has suggested this child see a counselor to talk with and at first they did not want him to go, but now he is. I hope they are able to find out why he is so mean and bullies people like he does.

Looks like you have tried and it just isn't going to work. Now you just have to think of your son and protect him. Sadly, it appears as if the other parents aren't doing the same. Hopefully, the counseling sessions will reveal the reasons for his actions and he will receive the help he so desperately needs.

__________________________________________________ ________

[adorame]

Originally Posted by sammiz

What makes a Bully?

Bullying behavior can be identified as early as pre-school age, and some children who are bullies continue this behavior into adulthood. Most children learn to control their anger and fighting instincts as they grow older, but not the bully. These children have special characteristics. Children who systematically bully others usually have a group of children they bully regularly while other bullies randomly target a variety of students.
Bullies have particular behavior and personality traits. Dr. Sam Samenow describes these as:

greater than average aggressive behavior patterns
the desire to dominate peers
the need to feel in control, to win
no sense of remorse for hurting another child
a refusal to accept responsibility for his/her behavior
Parent(s) of bullies usually support their child's aggressive behavior toward other children and often bully their child.

What happens to Victims?

Adults, like children, resent being bullied, except that adult victims have more options available to them than do child victims. Children cannot escape the school yard, the change room, or the cafeteria. Sometimes, victims do not survive the torture and humiliation of bullying.
In most situations, victims do survive, but carry their emotional scars for a lifetime.

Above statements are excerpts from:

Bully B'ware Productions - take action against bullying

which is a very informative site regarding the very real impact that bullys have. In this day and time with everything that goes on in schools and 'children' committing atrocities against their peers and teachers....well, I think it is no longer just a little 'picking on someone' problem. It goes so much deeper than that. Sometimes it is a matter of life and death. Consider the ages of the children that have been invloved in a schoolyard plot or action against their peers or teachers. Getting younger and younger?

__________________________________________________ ________

Thank you for this information.

[RMKC]

I would of done the same, is it not funny how all these so called friends come out of the woodworks when you have a pool ? It worked that way in my household when i had my house and Pool and Hot tub