ACTUAL COURT TRANSCRIPTS - hilarious ! - YorkieTalk.com Forums

red98vett · 05-31-2007, 03:32 AM

I got this in my email from my 90 year old Aunts Boyfriend & thought they were too funny not to post - especially the 1st one

Disorder In The Court... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you s**tt'in me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have

you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead

people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table

wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient

was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk

in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Hokule'a · 05-31-2007, 04:48 AM

Flippin' hilarious

margaritaville · 05-31-2007, 05:03 AM

your 90 yr old aunt's boyfriend? WOW!!!!!!!!!!

Betty'sMom · 05-31-2007, 05:09 AM

That was too funny!!!!

"oral" HAHAHAHAHA

red98vett · 05-31-2007, 05:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by margaritaville

your 90 yr old aunt's boyfriend? WOW!!!!!!!!!!

YUP !!! Isn't that a hoot ?? I spent a few days teaching him to photoshop and he emails me all the time now - he's SO cute !! He's an ex fighter pilot and has tons of stories.....They just met about 2 years ago and you should see how touchy feely they are lol -

He told me one day when I was there that he was trying to move closer to her in the complex they live in so I said - "WHY Dont you just Shack up" ?
his answer :...."What do you think we're doing now" ?? I cracked up !!!

yorkiemalt · 05-31-2007, 05:39 AM

they are so funny! Love that "Auntie" has a "friend"!

Dior'sMom · 05-31-2007, 05:56 AM

This was hilarious. Thanks for sharing

Morkie4 · 05-31-2007, 06:23 AM

Thanks for sharing!

AMD · 05-31-2007, 02:15 PM

OH my gosh V!! That was hilarious!! Thanks for posting!!

bettyeanne · 05-31-2007, 03:22 PM

Villette, that is hysterical .... the last one is my fave!!! Gotta print that one for Pop, Patrick's Dad. He's an old retired attorney and will get a kick out of those!!

Let's have a meetup in Houston and invite your Aunt's boyfriend ... what great entertainment!!

Gypsy & Me · 05-31-2007, 03:59 PM

LMAO... that was so funny!!!!! Thanks for the laugh V.

red98vett · 05-31-2007, 04:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bettyeanne

Villette, that is hysterical .... the last one is my fave!!! Gotta print that one for Pop, Patrick's Dad. He's an old retired attorney and will get a kick out of those!!

Let's have a meetup in Houston and invite your Aunt's boyfriend ... what great entertainment!!

LOL !! I would LOVE

that and my aunts boyfriend is a hoot....the stories he can tell.....

mizzwanned · 05-31-2007, 04:20 PM

omg that was soo funny!

LOL

LuvMyPrinceKobi · 06-02-2007, 03:12 PM

That is pretty funny, and being that I'm a court reporter I've actually seen it before! And trust me, when you're sitting there trying to be quiet and write everything they say, sometimes you just want to BUST out at the answers. Also in my "court reporter" magazine, they have funny transcripts like that probably monthly or bi-monthly....pretty humorous what some people say....

I can't think of anything off the top of my head that I've had a witness say, but I know there have been those moments!

Anna Banana · 06-02-2007, 09:01 PM

Hahahaha! I love it!

05-31-2007, 03:32 AM	#1
red98vett Yorkie Kisses are the Best! Donating Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: Houston TX Posts: 30,390	ACTUAL COURT TRANSCRIPTS - hilarious ! I got this in my email from my 90 year old Aunts Boyfriend & thought they were too funny not to post - especially the 1st one Disorder In The Court... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active? WITNESS: No, I just lie there. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo? WITNESS: We both do. ATTORNEY: Voodoo? WITNESS: We do. ATTORNEY: You do? WITNESS: Yes, voodoo. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one. ________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you stt'in me? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid! ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard. ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Guess. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that? ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m. ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ --- And the best for last: --- ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. __________________ Villette, Chanel & Cheri.. AKA Spy-Girls** (photos here) Click for LABELS Click for CARDS * SAY NO to PET STORES ! www.designsbyvillette.com USING YOUR PHOTOS ! Last edited by red98vett; 05-31-2007 at 03:34 AM.

05-31-2007, 04:48 AM	#2
Hokule'a Donating YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Salt Lake City, UT Posts: 4,246	Flippin' hilarious __________________ Eva's keikis: Hokule'a, Kalani & Pi'ilani Kalani - Official member of The Little Gentleman's Club

05-31-2007, 05:03 AM	#3
margaritaville Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: west long branch, n.j. Posts: 1,039	your 90 yr old aunt's boyfriend? WOW!!!!!!!!!! __________________ Joan, Bubba and Sissy-BEWARE OF PUPPY MILLS breathe in, breathe out, move on

05-31-2007, 05:56 AM	#7
Dior'sMom Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Jan 2007 Location: virginia Posts: 2,855	This was hilarious. Thanks for sharing __________________ Proud Mom 2 Dior And Diezel

05-31-2007, 02:15 PM	#9
AMD Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: Colorado Posts: 5,060	OH my gosh V!! That was hilarious!! Thanks for posting!! __________________ WestbrookDog.com Bully Sticks \|\| Petzlife\|\| ESPREE

05-31-2007, 05:09 AM	#4
Betty'sMom Donating YT Addict Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Georgia Posts: 6,216	That was too funny!!!! "oral" HAHAHAHAHA

05-31-2007, 05:39 AM	#6
yorkiemalt Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Northern NJ Posts: 2,766	they are so funny! Love that "Auntie" has a "friend"!

05-31-2007, 03:22 PM	#10
bettyeanne Donating YT 7000 Club Member Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Alabama, etc. Posts: 7,741	Villette, that is hysterical .... the last one is my fave!!! Gotta print that one for Pop, Patrick's Dad. He's an old retired attorney and will get a kick out of those!! Let's have a meetup in Houston and invite your Aunt's boyfriend ... what great entertainment!! __________________ Toto's Mom *http://www.dogster.com/?206581www.millbusters.com/forums* THE CRAZY CLUB http://yorkierescuecolorado.com/home.html ~ Proud Member of SRC ~"PP" ~ Tink's Friends**

05-31-2007, 03:59 PM	#11
Gypsy & Me Plus Kayla & Amelia Donating Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: Nottinghamshire, UK Posts: 7,089	LMAO... that was so funny!!!!! Thanks for the laugh V. __________________ .Gypsy. & .Kayla. Vicky ERFW - Petitioning For Equal Rights For Winky

05-31-2007, 04:20 PM	#13
mizzwanned Donating YT 11K Club Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Location: new york Posts: 11,875 Blog Entries: 2	omg that was soo funny! LOL __________________ Teddy, London & Sophia Loren too! London likes Kikko

06-02-2007, 03:12 PM	#14
LuvMyPrinceKobi LOVIN' MY KOBI N KIWI Donating Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Charleston, SC Posts: 1,496	That is pretty funny, and being that I'm a court reporter I've actually seen it before! And trust me, when you're sitting there trying to be quiet and write everything they say, sometimes you just want to BUST out at the answers. Also in my "court reporter" magazine, they have funny transcripts like that probably monthly or bi-monthly....pretty humorous what some people say.... I can't think of anything off the top of my head that I've had a witness say, but I know there have been those moments! __________________ *OBAMA '08 - CHANGE WE CAN BELIEVE IN*

06-02-2007, 09:01 PM	#15
Anna Banana YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: California Posts: 2,919	Hahahaha! I love it! __________________ Anna and Wobie Anna: www.myspace.com/annababycxc Wobie: www.myspace.com/wobiebaby