ACTUAL COURT TRANSCRIPTS - hilarious !
 

I got this in my email from my 90 year old Aunts Boyfriend & thought they were too funny not to post - especially the 1st one :D :D :D

Disorder In The Court... These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you s**tt'in me?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have

you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead

people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table

wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

--- And the best for last: ---

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,

did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient

was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk

in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Flippin' hilarious:lol tears

your 90 yr old aunt's boyfriend? WOW!!!!!!!!!!

That was too funny!!!!:lol tears :lol tears "oral" HAHAHAHAHA

YUP !!! Isn't that a hoot ?? I spent a few days teaching him to photoshop and he emails me all the time now - he's SO cute !! He's an ex fighter pilot and has tons of stories.....They just met about 2 years ago and you should see how touchy feely they are lol -

He told me one day when I was there that he was trying to move closer to her in the complex they live in so I said - "WHY Dont you just Shack up" ?
his answer :...."What do you think we're doing now" ?? I cracked up !!!

they are so funny! Love that "Auntie" has a "friend"!

This was hilarious. Thanks for sharing

Thanks for sharing!

OH my gosh V!! That was hilarious!! Thanks for posting!!

:sidesplt: Villette, that is hysterical .... the last one is my fave!!! Gotta print that one for Pop, Patrick's Dad. He's an old retired attorney and will get a kick out of those!! :p Let's have a meetup in Houston and invite your Aunt's boyfriend ... what great entertainment!! ;)

LMAO... that was so funny!!!!! Thanks for the laugh V.

LOL !! I would LOVE :) :) that and my aunts boyfriend is a hoot....the stories he can tell.....

omg that was soo funny! :thumbup: LOL

That is pretty funny, and being that I'm a court reporter I've actually seen it before! And trust me, when you're sitting there trying to be quiet and write everything they say, sometimes you just want to BUST out at the answers. Also in my "court reporter" magazine, they have funny transcripts like that probably monthly or bi-monthly....pretty humorous what some people say....:rolleyes: I can't think of anything off the top of my head that I've had a witness say, but I know there have been those moments!

Hahahaha! I love it!