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that's a good one |
Newly married husband puts a notice in front of his residence FOR SALE Computer and Encyclopedia Both in good condition. Reason for selling, No longer needed. Got married. Wife knows EVERYTHING…. With backup server called Mother in Law. |
A slightly drunk woman is watching TV and yells “Don’t go there! Don’t go to the church you dumb b!!!!h” Her husband asks “what are you watching” Reply “Our wedding video” |
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A dying grandma tells her grandchild “I want to leave you my farm. That includes the barn, livestock, the harvest, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $24,548,750.45 in cash”. The grandchild, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, “oh grandma, you are SO generous! I didn’t know you had a farm. Where is it? With her last breath, Grandma whispered ”Facebook….” |
There were 3 blondes high-fiving and cheering at the bar... The bartender sees the celebration and asks the ladies what they were so happy about. One girl quickly responded with, "we are celebrating a job well done and executed ahead of schedule." The bartender assumes it's something incredibly important and continues to ask more questions. The same blonde follows up with, "well, we finished this puzzle in just 2 years but the box says it recommends 8 to 12 years!" |
lol toooo funny |
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.” "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. “We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.” Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!” She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Sorted! They're coming for Christmas and they're paying their own way." |
Adult Context A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, 'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?' Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh.. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.' Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?' The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.' The minister fainted. |
At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half of it and leave you.”!!! “Great,” he said. “Here’s $6. I won $12 yesterday. Stay in touch.” |
mistake |
At breakfast, the husband asked his wife, “What would you do if I won the lottery?” She replied, “I’d take half of it and leave you.”!!! “Great,” he said. “Here’s $6. I won $12 yesterday. Stay in touch.” Too funny! |
Adult context An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned To her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike Up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total ... Stranger, "What would you want to talk about?" "Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, Or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly. "Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask You a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?" The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know s**t?" And then she went back to reading her book. |
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