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06-23-2007, 03:34 PM | #1 |
Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,890
| Lizard Story~LMAOOOOOOOOO If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, you can relate to the story below. Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious Dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my! Gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" She inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert an d Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," She informed me. (again with the sarcasm... you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze ," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake). The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay? " my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us.. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come in to maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... Excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face, laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. 2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
__________________ Alycia Autumn Gizmo Maddie |
Welcome Guest! | |
06-23-2007, 03:38 PM | #2 |
I heart Sugar Donating Member Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Florida
Posts: 7,373
| OMG I am cracking up! I was thinking right up to the end, don't lizzards lay eggs? Um, yep they do. Too funny!
__________________ "If you have men who will exclude any of God’s creatures from the shelter of compassion and pity, you will have men who will deal likewise with their fellow men." — St. Francis of Assisi, 1181-1226 |
06-23-2007, 03:41 PM | #3 |
Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Jul 2006 Location: Northern NJ
Posts: 3,468
| OMG!!!!!!! that was hysterical! I'll be laughing all night thinking about it!
__________________ KimPhoebiChandler |
06-23-2007, 03:47 PM | #4 |
Blessed by Otis & Ollie Donating Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Plainfield, Indiana
Posts: 2,884
| That is a fantastic story. I was thinking eggs in the beginning but continued to read. I applaud your concern for Ernie and setting an example for your children by trying to help, and getting Ernie to the vet. that being said.... Has Ernie been batting his lizard eyelashes at you since then? a wink here and there. Do you notice he runs to the side of the cage when you walk in the room? Sorry, I had to go there. It sounds like you have a good sense of humor about it. Lizard love.....ain't it great? I really enjoyed your story.
__________________ ~Paula~ proud mommy of ~Otis (yorkie) & Oliver (shih-poo) |
06-23-2007, 03:55 PM | #5 | |
Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,890
| Quote:
__________________ Alycia Autumn Gizmo Maddie | |
06-23-2007, 04:00 PM | #6 |
Mojo, LilyGrace & Me Donating Member Moderator Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: cuddling with my babies<3
Posts: 17,329
| That's funny! I had gotten this awhile back through email.....I LOVE IT!!!! Thanks for the laugh today! How is your baking/selling going?!
__________________ Hi I'm Jenn Mom to..... Mojo,LilyGrace & DD Kate RIP Mojo FOREVER in our hearts! |
06-23-2007, 04:10 PM | #7 |
Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,890
| It's going good and everything should be arriving sometime next week.
__________________ Alycia Autumn Gizmo Maddie |
06-23-2007, 05:22 PM | #8 |
Blessed by Otis & Ollie Donating Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Plainfield, Indiana
Posts: 2,884
| Oops, sorry! I have blonde moments even though I'm a brunette.
__________________ ~Paula~ proud mommy of ~Otis (yorkie) & Oliver (shih-poo) |
06-23-2007, 06:15 PM | #9 |
Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Aug 2006 Location: Ohio
Posts: 1,890
| LOL that is ok...besides it that had been my husband believe me, I wouldn't be letting him live THAT down!
__________________ Alycia Autumn Gizmo Maddie |
06-23-2007, 08:15 PM | #10 |
YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: California
Posts: 3,025
| Hahahaha!
__________________ Anna and Wobie |
06-24-2007, 03:27 PM | #11 |
Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: May 2006 Location: Irving, TX
Posts: 3,180
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__________________ Christie and Sadie |
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