Got a good joke?? I need a laugh!

[Kathryn_V]

Originally Posted by Itspuppyluv

There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses.

The results are pretty interesting:

1. 5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.

2. 10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.

3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway

Good Morning!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!! What a way to start my day!!! That is a GOOD one!! I don't know how I missed it yesterday!!!

[Hokule'a]

OMG, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying. That last one was hilarious!!

[daisy mae06]

I can post your state if you want too

Nebraska
A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.
? A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
? Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska.
? If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
? In the fine state of Nebraska, it is not legal for a tavern owner to serve beer unless a nice kettle of soup is also brewing.
? It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
? It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
? It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
? It is illegal to sleep naked in a hotel/ motel room.
? Lehigh: Doughnut holes may not be sold
? Omaha: Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.
? The owner of every hotel in Hastings is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
? Waterloo: Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.

[yorkiegirl2]

Marriage (Part I )
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said:
"No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not."

************************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, '
Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"

*****************************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After some time he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says,
"What took you so long to answer to the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"

*****************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it is time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice,
"Shall we go home Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Any time you're ready, Father of Four."

*****************************************
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

[Kathryn_V]

Originally Posted by daisy mae06

I can post your state if you want too

Nebraska
A man is not allowed to run around with a shaved chest.
? A parent can be arrested if her/his child cannot hold back a burp during a church service.
? Barbers are forbidden by law from shaving a man's chest in Omaha, Nebraska.
? If a child burps during church, his parent may be arrested.
? In the fine state of Nebraska, it is not legal for a tavern owner to serve beer unless a nice kettle of soup is also brewing.
? It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a state license.
? It is illegal for bar owners to sell beer unless they are simultaneously brewing a kettle of soup.
? It is Illegal to go whale fishing.
? It is illegal to sleep naked in a hotel/ motel room.
? Lehigh: Doughnut holes may not be sold
? Omaha: Sneezing or burping is illegal during a church service.
? The owner of every hotel in Hastings is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
? Waterloo: Barbers are forbidden from eating onions between 7 A.M. and 7 P.M.

Oh Oh Oh!!!! Post California Pleeeeeeease!!!!!!

[laurenhorne]

this is too funny! i love these posts!

[daisy mae06]

this is a long one

California
? A city ordinance states that a $500 fine will be given to anyone who detonates a nuclear device within city limits.
? Alhambra: You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.
? Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
? A regulation in San Francisco makes it unlawful to use used underwear to wipe off cars in a car wash.
? Arcadia: Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.
? A server in California can be convicted of selling to a minor if the purchaser uses a false or altered ID to buy the alcohol.
? Baldwin Park: Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
? Bathhouses are against the law.
? Belvedere City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."
? Blythe: You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.
? Burlingame: It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds; Carmel Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor); Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.
? California only fairly recently legalized the sale of alcoholic beverages in nudist colonies.
? Car wash attendants in San Francisco, California may not use old pairs of underware to wash or dry vehicles.
? Chico: Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine.
? Community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
? Downey: It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).
? Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
? Hollywood: It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
? In 1838, the city of Los Angeles passed an ordinance requiring that a man obtain a license before serenading a woman.
? In Los Angeles courts it is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
? In Berkeley, Calif., you can't whistle for an escaped bird before 7 a.m.
? In 1930, the City Council of Ontario passed an ordinance forbidding roosters to crow within the city limits.
? In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
? In Baldwin Park, California nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.
? In California, community leaders passed an ordinance that makes it illegal for anyone to try and stop a child from playfully jumping over puddles of water.
? In California it is illegal to have caller ID
? In California it's against regulations to let phones ring more than nine times in state offices.
? In California you may not set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
? In California, selling a gold piece without tooth marks in it is considered forgery.
? In California, animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
? In Los Angeles, years ago it was legal to cook in your bedroom, but not to sleep in your kitchen.
? In Los Angeles a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.
? In Los Angeles, you cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
? In the 1940's, California law made it illegal to serve alcohol to a gay person.
? In Riverside, California, kissing on the lips, unless both parties wipe their lips with carbonized rose water, is against the local health ordinance. (Someone needed to be kissed!)
? In San Francisco it's illegal to play poker in public or gamble in a barricaded room.
? In San Francisco, it's illegal to beat a rug in front of your house.
? In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
? It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
? It is a violation of the California Alcoholic Beverage Control Act for producers of alcohol beverages to list the names of retailers or restaurants that sell their products in advertising or even in newsletters.
? It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.
? It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
? It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
? It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.
? It is illegal to eat an orange in your bath tub
? It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
? It is illegal to set a mouse trap without a hunting license.
? Lafayette: You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.
? Lodi: It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".
? Lompoc: It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.
? Long Beach: Cars are the only item allowed in a garage; It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
? Los Angeles law forbids hunting moths under a street light.
? Los Angeles: It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent; You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time; You may not hunt moths under a street light; It is illegal to cry on the witness stand; Toads may not be licked; It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church (Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison); Zoot suits are prohibited.
? Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
? Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
? No alcohol beverages can be displayed within five feet of a cash register of any store in California that sells both alcohol and motor fuel.
? No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
? Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

[daisy mae06]

And more
Oakland, Calif., makes it illegal to grow a tree in front of your neighbor's window and block his view. However, you're off the hook if the tree is one that town officials consider an attractive tree, such as a redwood or box elder.
? One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
? Ontario: Roosters may not crow in the city limits.
? Pacific Grove: Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.
? Palm Springs: It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.
? Pasadena: It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.
? Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
? Prunedale: Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.
? Redlands: Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.
? Riverside: One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.
? San Diego: It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar; The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
? San Francisco has an ordinance prohibiting "cane games." City officials have no idea what cane games are. But when revising city laws recently, officials decided to keep the prohibition on the books, in case someday, somehow, cane games came back, they were deemed improper and the city needed the law.
? San Francisco is said to be the only city in the nation to have ordinances guaranteeing sunshine to the masses.
? San Francisco: Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash; It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear; Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street; It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner; Giving or receiving oral sex is prohibited.
? San Francisco bans any "mechanical device that reproduces obscene language."
? San Francisco prohibits kerchoo powders and stink balls.
? San Jose: It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595
? Santa Monica: You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.
? Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
? Temecula: Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.
? The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.
? The city of San Francisco holds a copyright on the name "San Francisco." It is illegal to manufacture any item with the name without first getting permission from the city. Since the Supreme Court upheld the copyright, San Francisco has had an annual $300 million surplus every year.
? The Santa Monica, Calif., City Council recently proposed that men be allowed to use women's public restrooms when there's a line of three or more at the mens' room, and vice versa.
? Women may not drive in a house coat.
? You can be fined $500 if you bother a butterfly in Pacific Grove

[daisy mae06]

Boy CA is Really silly lawsLOL

[Itspuppyluv]

Originally Posted by Kathryn_V

Good Morning!!!!!! Thank you!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!! What a way to start my day!!! That is a GOOD one!! I don't know how I missed it yesterday!!!

You didn't miss it, I was on really late last night. So glad you liked it.

[mistyinca]

That's funny! I used to live in Ontario, CA, and indeed, there were sometimes roosters crowing.

[SBeckett668]

You know how to catch a unique rabbit?





Unique up on it!!!!

[SBeckett668]

What do you call cheese that's not yours?






Nacho Cheese!!!

[SBeckett668]

Oh come on were they that bad? Two of my all time favorites

[daisy mae06]

Click on Link

http://www.bored.com/dogowners/index.htm