Jokes anyone?

[AMD]

Number One Idiot of 2006
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she
caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the
ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into
the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to
mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill
the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency
room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

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Number Two Idiot of 2006
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a
life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of
the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river,
they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out
that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that
activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing


Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

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Number Three Idiot of 2006
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and
wrote "this. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line,
waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had
seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the
teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his
note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling
errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she
could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of
America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the
man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was
waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

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Number Four Idiot of 2006
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that; measured
his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the
mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent
the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received
a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of
handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.

Wise guy........ but you still get a sign

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Number Five Idiot of 2006
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of
the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the
robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf
He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused
and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was
but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe
him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet
and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man
was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran
from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They
arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

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Idiot Number Six of 2006
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled
first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign

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Idiot Number Seven of 2006
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the
window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems
the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught
on videotape.
Yep, Here's your sign

(Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote)

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IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local
township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing
sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out
here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."
From Kingman, KS

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IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE:
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the
person behind the counter for "minimal lettuce." He said he was sorry, but
they only had iceberg. He was a Chef?
Yep...From Kansas City!

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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked
"Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? To which
I replied, "If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?" He smiled
knowingly and nodded, "That's why we ask."
Happened in Birmingham, Ala.

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IDIOT SIGHTING:
The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street I was
crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine. She asked if I
knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when
the light is red. Appalled, she responded, "What on earth are blind people
doing driving?!"
She was a probation officer in Wichita, KS

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IDIOT SIGHTING:
At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker. She was leaving the
company due to "downsizing." Our manager commented cheerfully, "This is fun
We should do this more often." Not another word was spoken. We all just
looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights stare.
This was a bunch at Texas Instruments.

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IDIOT SIGHTING:
I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and
for the sake of her own life, couldn't understand why her system would not
turn on.
A deputy with the Dallas County Sheriffs office no less.

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IDIOT SIGHTING:
When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car
we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service
department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's
side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the
door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. "Hey," I announced to the
technician, "its open!" His reply, "I know - I already got that side."
This was at the CHEVY dealership in Canton, Mississippi!

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STAY ALERT! Idiots walk among us and they REPRODUCE!

[Brutus'mama]

Confessions of an Italian Altar Boy

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you
may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone.
You cannot be an altar boy for four months".

Johnny walks back to his pew. His friend Nino slides over and whispers,

"What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads."

[Bama Yorkie Mom]

2 little boys, always cussing when they were out of moms hearing distance.
One morning, mom was about to make breakfast. she ask the oldest one, what would you like for breakfast? He said "just make me some of them damn pancakes. his mom drew back and knocked him almost to the floor. then she ask the youngest little guy. What do you want for breakfast. he said " I dont know but you can bet your ass I dont want none of them damn pancakes.

gotta go make supper and I aint making no damn pancakes either. lol

[dobiedude]

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

Moral to this story: Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is the husband.