Secrets for a Long-Lasting Marriage
 

I would like to know from those of you fortunate enough to have healthy, long-lasting marriages, what is your secret? My co-worker was talking to me about her daughter who just got married this May. She already wants a divorce!!:eek: She has lived with this man for 10 years and has 2 children from him but decided just this year to officially tie the knot. Apparently, now since they got married he has stopped helping her around the house, refuses to help with the kids and stays out. He was never this way until they got married. While I understand her anger, is this really reason enough to divorce after only 3 months? My husband and I have only been together for 2 years and in that short time we have had our share of stress and hard times. But I have found that in these times we actually come closer together and support each other. I truly feel that some young people nowadays just don't want to put in the hard work and dedication that it takes to make a marriage work. I would love to hear from the veterans out here in YT. What are your thoughts on what makes a marriage work?

What an excellent question! I have only been married for a year, but I feel like you do. My husband and I have DEFINATELY had our share of ups and downs, but I feel like everytime we do make it through those hard times, it brings us closer together. I feel like my husband and I have an extremely healthy relationship. I think a lot of times it takes great role models to help a marriage last. My parents are still married (25 years), my husband's parents are still married (30 years), and all 4 sets of our grandparents are still married (50+years). So, hubby and I are extremely fortunate to have these "role model" marriages in our lives to look up to. Whenever we need marriage advice we always go to our parents and grandparents. One of the things that BOTH of them have stressed is that a marriage is a "team," a "partnership." No longer are you two separate people...you are now ONE and each of you has to work everyday to make your team stronger and better. Our parents and grandparents told us that we should wake up every single day and the first thing we should say to ourselves is, "What can I do today to make this marriage better?" Not what can MY SPOUSE do to make this better, but what can I do.

Sorry so long...I just feel so fortunate to have all parents and grandparents on both sides who are still married and felt like their advice would be nice to share.

This is my second marriage, November will make 7 yrs. I am 49 yrs old and my (now) husband and I have no children together...My husband has never been married before, is an only child and didn't have a very good upbringing(alot of anger). It's strange that you posted this as we have been having issues as well however, our issues are because my husband doesn't feel that he should have gotten married, because he wants for "himself" and doesn't really care about anyone else...It's all about him. I love my husband very very much and my heart is breaking right now..I believe my husband is bi-polar..I have finally convinced him to go for therapy...He says he loves me but wishes he never got married...there is so much more to my story but, I have gotten way off track with you question...I am sorry...guess I needed to vent for a minute....I find (as you had said) alot of people just don't want to work on their marriage,...it's easier to just get divorced...I found from my previous marriage the most important thing (to me) is communication....this door should never be closed....

MO and thank you for letting me vent

That is so true!!:thumbup: I think part of the reason so many marriages end in divorce is because people fail to see their own faults. They blame their partners for the marriage's problems but refuse to acknowledge their own shortcomings and what they can do to make things better.

I am sorry you are going through hard times. It seems as if you are putting in all your efforts but your husband has his own issues is not the one doing his part. I wish you both the best of luck and hope you find a way to make your marriage work. Hugs to you.:hug:

Thank you so much...I find alot of comfort in prayer...I have been doing that alot lately...

I, too, am sorry that you are going through a hard time in your marriage. I was watching Oprah the other day about a couple where the husband had cheated on the wife with her best friend :eek: The couple was staying together, going to counseling together and separately, and trying to work eveyrthing out. I think the most important thing I got from the show is that when 2 people come together and marry, they are brining with them into the marriage baggage that has built up from their past, especially their childhood. On the show there was a Psychiatrist who helped the man to realize that the reason he cheated had NOTHING to do with his wife, but EVERYTHING to do with himself, his self-image, and how he was brought up. It turns out that his father really disrespected his mother when he was growing up, and he essentially "learned" this behavior from his father and was acting in the same way.

Again, sorry this is so long. The point I wanted to make is that I am so happy to hear that your hubby is going to therapy. He has a lot of personal issues to deal with, and if he can work through these things, there is not a reason in the world that your marriage cannot work. Maybe going to therapy together would also help. It would help for you to understand what he is dealing with so maybe you can help him. I dunno....just rambling....:rolleyes:

P.S. -- There's nothing in the world like the power of prayer. If HE brings you to it, HE will bring you through it.

oh no !! I'm so sorry - does your husband know how lonely he may be if he wasn't married ? Is he going to go for therapy ? What about maybe YOU taking some time for yourself ...like a trip or something and see how he copes on his own ? You're almost in a no win situation if he's THAT single minded...but has he heard the phrase "The Grass is always Greener" ?

I'm sorry to hear that girl - that has to be so hard on you.:(

I have only been married for a year also, and what makes it work for is that my husband is not a selfish person, and he is willing to put up with my occasional dramatic moments. I think talking is the key. Before we got married we had been together for 2 years, and I told him the things that make me a difficult person to deal with, and how he should act in my moments of crises. He said okay, I love you, I'll do that. After we got married things only got better.
Another thing that makes things work for is that we are each other's best friend, and I don't mean that as a cliche. Really, since we both graduated, we don't have any proper friends in the area, so we hang out together in all our spare time. All our friends are, and always were mutual anyway. He doesn't have his "guy friends," and neither do I have my "chick friends." We're like a package deal. You want me? you will get him too. It's the same other way around.
Both our parents are still happily married, but in our situation, we learn from their mistakes, because may God forbid it, we don't want to be like them. And, I know we won't :)

[QUOTE=RLC12345678]Our parents and grandparents told us that we should wake up every single day and the first thing we should say to ourselves is, "What can I do today to make this marriage better?" Not what can MY SPOUSE do to make this better, but what can I do.

:thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: Could not have said it better myself! I have been happily married going on 17 years. Both of us are on our second marriage and seeing ones own faults along with two-way communication have been the keys to our success! These, along with several other factors, i.e. honesty, trust, etc. are constantly kept in mind and fine tuned as necessary. What I have found is that a loving, healthy relationship is one in which BOTH parties work at on a continual basis!

My hubby and I are the exact same way. ALL of our friends are mutual. If one of "his" friends invites him somewhere, be it a sports event, hunting, ect., they know that I'm coming too, along with both our yorkies! :p If one of my "girlfriends" invites me somewhere, be it the beach, where ever, they know that my hubby is coming, too. If we are not at work, we are together. We just really and truly enjoy each other's company. Hubby knows I'm dramatic, and I know that he has a Type A OCD personality. We just deal with it.

Okay, I am not a vet, and even though this is probably going to be long, I am no pro either! We totally have our share of issues:rolleyes: -- but I do have a great marriage and a great husband! We took 2 marriage classes before getting married, over 4 years ago. And I was in a not so great relationship before my husband that I learned a lot from-

Here are a few things we learned and try to live by-


* Don't say one thing when you mean another and make them guess what you really want. Say what you mean.

*Compliment on even the little things (it feels good to be appreciated).

*Let the other person have emotional freedom--don't tell them how they should be feeling.

*Don't expect the other person to make you happy all the time. You choose to be happy!

*Take on hobbies and common interests together, so you have things you truly enjoy doing as a couple. -We have taken up kayaking, road triping and dog training so far. We have shows we like together too, like FRIENDS, LOST ect that we get excited to watch together.

*Let yourself laugh-- it isn't fun to be around someone who is negative and/or angry all the time.

*Spend quality time together--weekly dates, dinners, traditions, ect. When we were first dating we started to have our own Christmas on the Christmas Eve Eve that is dedicated to a romantic dinner and small gift exchange just between us. We have even signed my mom up for babysitting duty when we have kiddos. I want that to be our Christmas forever!!

*When it is possible, fall asleep together, no TV, so you fall asleep talking to each other, it is amazing the conversations people miss when they don't fall asleep together.

*Spoil each other

*If you want a better husband, BE a better wife! Or vice versa... If you want a better wife BE a better husband.

I could keep going, my marriage teacher rocked!!


The other thing I thought was REALLY interesting is that there are three "types of people" when it comes to showing affection.

1-Physical (not in a sexual way)--holding hands, patting back, rubbing leg, kissing forhead ect..
2-Verbal-- Saying I love you, telling them how you feel, talking about it ect...
3-Doing things-- Small gifts, favorite meals, cleaning for them, ect...

Some people think that they are not being told they are loved because they expect the person to do it the way they do it.

For example I am totally a "doing thing" person while my hubby is "physical" person. I am not one to hold hands, but I will give little gifts, treats, and cards to him. He didn't see that was how I was showing him that I loved him. All he saw was that I didn't want to hold hands all the time. When we heard this, it totally clicked for us!! We were like "Oh!!!"

Now we can both see that the other person is showing love and affection and we both work on being more what the other person is, because that is how they "feel" it.

WOAH!! I wrote a newsletter!! Sorry!

I know I already wrote a freakin hand book-- but I forgot this--

We always say our marriage in like a railroad, you just have to keep building the dang thing to keep the train going. It is an ongoing job and it can be hard. It isn't like once you are married you magically have a marriage, it is like signing up for a never ending job that you get to work on forever. (But the railroad is well worth it, becuase of all the "great places you get to go" and the "things you get to experience").

We have fun telling people... "We can't go, we are working on the railroad!"

We call each other railroad workers all the time too, just to have fun with it. (And remind each other to keep on keeping on...);)

DH and I will celebrate 21 married years (and 22 "together" years) in January, first marriage for both. Has it been a smooth ride? Heavens no, show me one marriage that has been smooth sailing since day one and I'll show you someone in denial! I was raised in a family with both parents, happily (but with their "moment's") until my dad's death. DH on the other hand, came from a broken marriage, his parents divorced when he was 9 months old, 2nd marriage, stepdad was abusive - MIL got out of that marriage 2 kids later!. Her third marriage was her final (until it too ended in divorce) but dh really got along with him - he finally had a man in his life to show him direction and guide him (his dad showed up once a month with child support check and that was it). So dh had nothing to "go by" as for what makes a marriage last. We have had our moments, our arguments, and big blowups but...we allow each other time to calm down, we never talk in the "heat of the moment", but when things settle down, we sit down and discuss what it was that caused the fight. We never go to bed angry with one another which I think is a big key! We have both taught each other a lot in our years together. And we do things together - he's into hunting and although I'm not, I do go to the camp with him on the week-ends, will (when I want to and he never pushes me) go sit in a stand with him while he hunts and we'll just talk and talk - that is til the deer steps out!! We are very involved together in our boys lives - doing things with them, seeing that they get to do what they want to when we can which is something dh never had from his dad. We never find "fault" with one another nor criticize each other - it takes 2 and we realize we are not alone, we DO have each other!! I think that if both truly want to make a relationship last, whether they are married or not, learning to communicate is the big key, being supportive of each other, and more importantly, praying when times are good AND bad!

Never heard it put quite that way but very well said:thumbup: It is an ongoing job that you have to work at each and every day and the rewards of the places you've been are worth all the time, effort, and plain hard work you've put into it!

My husband & I celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday. Things are pretty good now. The first year was really hard & I know other people agree. We're good now. We are best friends & a package deal. I agree with say what you mean...no games. If you come right out & tell a guy what you want & why chances are good he will obey....it's very simple. I do not go to bed angry which has lead to some long nights, but I can't fall asleep if I'm upset so we talk it out.

This is literally the BEST marriage advice I've ever heard. :thumbup: :thumbup: :thumbup: THANK YOU so much for sharing it. :thumbs up I'm printing it out and SAVING it. I'm going to put it on my refrigerator! :p

I've been married for 14 years. We were married at 19 and 20 years old. We have a 12 year old daughter and a 2 year old daughter. There is really no secret. We are great friends and make sure to communicate with each other. Marriage is hard. There are days I just love him to death, and then you have those days when you want to kill em..LOL Just know there is no perfect marriage out there. We all have our sets of problems at different times. You will have your ups and downs, good days and bad ones. Just know that the two of you are in it together and dont give up when you are having bad times, work through them and it will make the both of you stronger people and your marriage stronger. :) Its all about giving and taking. Just make sure they do there part!!! LOL and COMPROMISE... COMPROMISE... COMPROMISE....:p

This is an excellent analogy. My hubby and I just celebrated 25 years of marriage. I was 19, he was 24 when we married. I can honestly say that I love my husband more with each day. Marriage is always hard work, whether it be the first year, the tenth or whatever. There are always so many distractions and things that can "derail the train". It is about setting your priorities and taking the opinion that each of you has the responsibility to make it work.

I disagree that you need to be joined at the hip and do everything together, however. When that works for a couple - wonderful. But for most folks, you will have time with separate activities and that is okay, too. You have to determine what is going to be best for you as a couple.

I wish all of you with young marriages the desire and willingness to stay in love and make each other happy each and every day.

Regarding being "joined at the hip," we learned in marriage counseling that although it is good to have common interests and do things together as a couple, neither person should be "dependant" on the other for anything. For instance, my husband works A LOT! Just because we like to do most things together does not mean that I should sit at home while he is working. I should still have things that I enjoy doing. We should not be "dependant," but "interdependant." I thought that was a nice thing to keep in mind. :rolleyes:

I've always been a very one friend kind of person. I've always had 1 best friend & did everything with them. However, I do enjoy being by myself & doing things alone. I like myself & know that I don't need anyone to survive. My husband & I both allow each other the freedom to do what they want to do. If he wants to hang with the guys he can & vice versa....we just don't seem to do that very often. It's usually just us watching a movie or going to dinner.

I have been married for 22 years, I love my husband with all my heart he is my rock. With my illness not alot of men would stick around. My hubby mom & dad was married 50 years until his father pass away this pass NOV they had a good soild marrage My mom and dad was married 40 years my mom pass away 3 years ago they rasied hell at each other. being married is what you make it to be. Being happy, you have alot to do with your own happiness

Hubby and I have been married 23 1/2 years, and my advice is do not be afraid to argue. So many people argue and give up, it is healthy to argue. Once my dtr thought we would get divorced like her friends. I told her we would argue til the day one of us died then they would come back as a ghost to argue with the survivor.
We do not agree on anything but the biggest of things, Like dtr's name, but we love each other.

This is hilarious. This is exactly how my hubby and me are! We are both 1st borns, Type A personalities, stubborn as h*ll, the whole bit. We are EXACTLY alike. Thus, we argue alot bc we both have strong personalities. But when it comes to the big stuff, we agree 100%. Our friends call us "dramatic.":rolleyes:

If both parties in a marriage have the mind set that marriage is permanent take seriously the "Till death do us part" and the "What God hath joined together let no man put asunder" then there would be far fewer divorces.

When divorce becomes an option, it becomes an easy solution.

Well said and SO TRUE! I know there are some situations that there really is no other solution, but I have seen-- even at my young age of 25 that 1/2 of my married friends are already divorced. It is because they got "bored", it kills me!:confused:

I feel comunication is the key word, always be open and honest with each other. The other day my hubby and I had a little tiss and he left for work and we did not hug or kiss and we ALWAYS hug and kiss and I tell him to drive safely, after he left, I felt so bad! I thought to myself, what if he would be in a accident and was taken from me, I would have to live with that for the rest of my life. I called him right when he was to start work and wanted to make sure he made it to work safely, I apologized to him.
It's just not worth it, fighting is so stupid and can be avoided, I suggest to all that you never walk out with out some sort of understanding, you just never know.

I also love to leave my husband little notes around where I know he will find them, and he does the same for me. I will buy him a "just because" card out of the blue or a gift.
I feel I was so lucky to have found him and I'm so blessed with his love.

You are very wise, Meg. Thanks for sharing with all of us.

Nancy

Married for nearly 24 years.

I'm married 31 years to the same wonderful man. If I had to give just one piece of advice, I would say "Pick your battles" and don't sweat the small stuff.

I believe it can be summed up in one word. MATURITY.

That sounds simple enough, but for some people growing up does not come easy, especially if they were never made to grow up at home, or if they were forced to grow up too soon and they never had time to be responsible for no one but themselves. I believe that is a very important step in growing up.

For some people it takes self talk. You have to be able to tell yourself, "well now that action wasn't very mature I should have done or said this instead."

Be mature enough to admit you were wrong.
Be mature enough to put others needs before your own.
Be mature enough to compromise.
Be mature enough to know when to "shut up".

A successful marriage takes two people. One cannot do it by themselves.
And it is hard work, you have to want it and be willing to work at it.

JMO