Secrets for a Long-Lasting Marriage

[Ponyup]

My husband & I celebrated our 4 year anniversary yesterday. Things are pretty good now. The first year was really hard & I know other people agree. We're good now. We are best friends & a package deal. I agree with say what you mean...no games. If you come right out & tell a guy what you want & why chances are good he will obey....it's very simple. I do not go to bed angry which has lead to some long nights, but I can't fall asleep if I'm upset so we talk it out.

[RLC12345678]

This is literally the BEST marriage advice I've ever heard. THANK YOU so much for sharing it. I'm printing it out and SAVING it. I'm going to put it on my refrigerator!

Originally Posted by Meg

Okay, I am not a vet, and even though this is probably going to be long, I am no pro either! We totally have our share of issues -- but I do have a great marriage and a great husband! We took 2 marriage classes before getting married, over 4 years ago. And I was in a not so great relationship before my husband that I learned a lot from-

Here are a few things we learned and try to live by-

----------------PART 1-----------------

* Don't say one thing when you mean another and make them guess what you really want. Say what you mean.

*Compliment on even the little things (it feels good to be appreciated).

*Let the other person have emotional freedom--don't tell them how they should be feeling.

*Don't expect the other person to make you happy all the time. You choose to be happy!

*Take on hobbies and common interests together, so you have things you truly enjoy doing as a couple. -We have taken up kayaking, road triping and dog training so far. We have shows we like together too, like FRIENDS, LOST ect that we get excited to watch together.

*Let yourself laugh-- it isn't fun to be around someone who is negative and/or angry all the time.

*Spend quality time together--weekly dates, dinners, traditions, ect. When we were first dating we started to have our own Christmas on the Christmas Eve Eve that is dedicated to a romantic dinner and small gift exchange just between us. We have even signed my mom up for babysitting duty when we have kiddos. I want that to be our Christmas forever!!

*When it is possible, fall asleep together, no TV, so you fall asleep talking to each other, it is amazing the conversations people miss when they don't fall asleep together.

*Spoil each other

*If you want a better husband, BE a better wife! Or vice versa... If you want a better wife BE a better husband.

I could keep going, my marriage teacher rocked!!

----------------------PART 2----------------------

The other thing I thought was REALLY interesting is that there are three "types of people" when it comes to showing affection.

1-Physical (not in a sexual way)--holding hands, patting back, rubbing leg, kissing forhead ect..
2-Verbal-- Saying I love you, telling them how you feel, talking about it ect...
3-Doing things-- Small gifts, favorite meals, cleaning for them, ect...

Some people think that they are not being told they are loved because they expect the person to do it the way they do it.

For example I am totally a "doing thing" person while my hubby is "physical" person. I am not one to hold hands, but I will give little gifts, treats, and cards to him. He didn't see that was how I was showing him that I loved him. All he saw was that I didn't want to hold hands all the time. When we heard this, it totally clicked for us!! We were like "Oh!!!"

Now we can both see that the other person is showing love and affection and we both work on being more what the other person is, because that is how they "feel" it.

WOAH!! I wrote a newsletter!! Sorry!

[DENISE517]

I've been married for 14 years. We were married at 19 and 20 years old. We have a 12 year old daughter and a 2 year old daughter. There is really no secret. We are great friends and make sure to communicate with each other. Marriage is hard. There are days I just love him to death, and then you have those days when you want to kill em..LOL Just know there is no perfect marriage out there. We all have our sets of problems at different times. You will have your ups and downs, good days and bad ones. Just know that the two of you are in it together and dont give up when you are having bad times, work through them and it will make the both of you stronger people and your marriage stronger. Its all about giving and taking. Just make sure they do there part!!! LOL and COMPROMISE... COMPROMISE... COMPROMISE....

[LuvMySissy]

Originally Posted by Meg

We always say our marriage in like a railroad, you just have to keep building the dang thing to keep the train going. It is an ongoing job and it can be hard. It isn't like once you are married you magically have a marriage, it is like signing up for a never ending job that you get to work on forever. (But the railroad is well worth it, becuase of all the "great places you get to go" and the "things you get to experience").

This is an excellent analogy. My hubby and I just celebrated 25 years of marriage. I was 19, he was 24 when we married. I can honestly say that I love my husband more with each day. Marriage is always hard work, whether it be the first year, the tenth or whatever. There are always so many distractions and things that can "derail the train". It is about setting your priorities and taking the opinion that each of you has the responsibility to make it work.

I disagree that you need to be joined at the hip and do everything together, however. When that works for a couple - wonderful. But for most folks, you will have time with separate activities and that is okay, too. You have to determine what is going to be best for you as a couple.

I wish all of you with young marriages the desire and willingness to stay in love and make each other happy each and every day.

[RLC12345678]

Regarding being "joined at the hip," we learned in marriage counseling that although it is good to have common interests and do things together as a couple, neither person should be "dependant" on the other for anything. For instance, my husband works A LOT! Just because we like to do most things together does not mean that I should sit at home while he is working. I should still have things that I enjoy doing. We should not be "dependant," but "interdependant." I thought that was a nice thing to keep in mind.

[Ponyup]

I've always been a very one friend kind of person. I've always had 1 best friend & did everything with them. However, I do enjoy being by myself & doing things alone. I like myself & know that I don't need anyone to survive. My husband & I both allow each other the freedom to do what they want to do. If he wants to hang with the guys he can & vice versa....we just don't seem to do that very often. It's usually just us watching a movie or going to dinner.

[Dragonfly]

I have been married for 22 years, I love my husband with all my heart he is my rock. With my illness not alot of men would stick around. My hubby mom & dad was married 50 years until his father pass away this pass NOV they had a good soild marrage My mom and dad was married 40 years my mom pass away 3 years ago they rasied hell at each other. being married is what you make it to be. Being happy, you have alot to do with your own happiness

[J_is_my_initial]

Hubby and I have been married 23 1/2 years, and my advice is do not be afraid to argue. So many people argue and give up, it is healthy to argue. Once my dtr thought we would get divorced like her friends. I told her we would argue til the day one of us died then they would come back as a ghost to argue with the survivor.
We do not agree on anything but the biggest of things, Like dtr's name, but we love each other.

[RLC12345678]

Originally Posted by J_is_my_initial

Hubby and I have been married 23 1/2 years, and my advice is do not be afraid to argue. So many people argue and give up, it is healthy to argue. Once my dtr thought we would get divorced like her friends. I told her we would argue til the day one of us died then they would come back as a ghost to argue with the survivor.
We do not agree on anything but the biggest of things, Like dtr's name, but we love each other.

This is hilarious. This is exactly how my hubby and me are! We are both 1st borns, Type A personalities, stubborn as h*ll, the whole bit. We are EXACTLY alike. Thus, we argue alot bc we both have strong personalities. But when it comes to the big stuff, we agree 100%. Our friends call us "dramatic."

[chattiesmom]

If both parties in a marriage have the mind set that marriage is permanent take seriously the "Till death do us part" and the "What God hath joined together let no man put asunder" then there would be far fewer divorces.

When divorce becomes an option, it becomes an easy solution.

[Meg]

Originally Posted by chattiesmom

If both parties in a marriage have the mind set that marriage is permanent take seriously the "Till death do us part" and the "What God hath joined together let no man put asunder" then there would be far fewer divorces.

When divorce becomes an option, it becomes an easy solution.

Well said and SO TRUE! I know there are some situations that there really is no other solution, but I have seen-- even at my young age of 25 that 1/2 of my married friends are already divorced. It is because they got "bored", it kills me!

[yougetthesmiles]

I feel comunication is the key word, always be open and honest with each other. The other day my hubby and I had a little tiss and he left for work and we did not hug or kiss and we ALWAYS hug and kiss and I tell him to drive safely, after he left, I felt so bad! I thought to myself, what if he would be in a accident and was taken from me, I would have to live with that for the rest of my life. I called him right when he was to start work and wanted to make sure he made it to work safely, I apologized to him.
It's just not worth it, fighting is so stupid and can be avoided, I suggest to all that you never walk out with out some sort of understanding, you just never know.

I also love to leave my husband little notes around where I know he will find them, and he does the same for me. I will buy him a "just because" card out of the blue or a gift.
I feel I was so lucky to have found him and I'm so blessed with his love.

[Little Bit]

You are very wise, Meg. Thanks for sharing with all of us.

Nancy

Married for nearly 24 years.

[fourdez]

I'm married 31 years to the same wonderful man. If I had to give just one piece of advice, I would say "Pick your battles" and don't sweat the small stuff.

[JeanieK]

Originally Posted by Nikko's_human

I would like to know from those of you fortunate enough to have healthy, long-lasting marriages, what is your secret? My co-worker was talking to me about her daughter who just got married this May. She already wants a divorce!! She has lived with this man for 10 years and has 2 children from him but decided just this year to officially tie the knot. Apparently, now since they got married he has stopped helping her around the house, refuses to help with the kids and stays out. He was never this way until they got married. While I understand her anger, is this really reason enough to divorce after only 3 months? My husband and I have only been together for 2 years and in that short time we have had our share of stress and hard times. But I have found that in these times we actually come closer together and support each other. I truly feel that some young people nowadays just don't want to put in the hard work and dedication that it takes to make a marriage work. I would love to hear from the veterans out here in YT. What are your thoughts on what makes a marriage work?

I believe it can be summed up in one word. MATURITY.

That sounds simple enough, but for some people growing up does not come easy, especially if they were never made to grow up at home, or if they were forced to grow up too soon and they never had time to be responsible for no one but themselves. I believe that is a very important step in growing up.

For some people it takes self talk. You have to be able to tell yourself, "well now that action wasn't very mature I should have done or said this instead."

Be mature enough to admit you were wrong.
Be mature enough to put others needs before your own.
Be mature enough to compromise.
Be mature enough to know when to "shut up".

A successful marriage takes two people. One cannot do it by themselves.
And it is hard work, you have to want it and be willing to work at it.

JMO