Aughhh Stupid Men
 

I think I need some input from other women out there. My boyfriend and I have been dateing 3 yrs. I love him very much but sometime he can be dense and unthoughful. He's in the navy and stationed in Norfolk, Va he had duty christmas day but said he was call sat. Well at 8pm when I heard nothing I called him left a message and and hour later he calls me back says he was busy. So here we are talking and he's playing his computer game. So I told him to pay attention to me or go play so we talked a bit longer and then I let him go since he had to be up at 4:30 for work. but before we hung up he said he would call me mon. Well sun after noon was bad.In a nut shell moose barfing all night and I couldn't sleep too well cause I was worried about her. Mon I had off, my mom's been sick, her dr calls we go to the er and spend from 10:30am-5pm there then my dad releives me so I can go home to get ready for work. No call from BF. So Tues at work i send angry e-mail asking where he was and why he couldn't call me. He called Tues night but I just got home from hospital visiting mom and was holding little ceaser in one hand and lil bear trying to eat lil ceaser in other arm. Once lil bear and moose were fed my dad came home from the hospital we called my mom and my dad passes out int his room and me in mine, bf left not message nothing plus I was still a little angry and didn't think I needed to talk while felling that way. So I get to work this morning have e-mail sayin 1.control yourself 2. if your are going to send me a message like you did answer your phone and 3. i can read minds. What there is no mind reading needed to message said it all why didn't you call and what kept you so busy.

I am letting my emotions about my mom do this to me are am I right in being upset

I'd be pretty peeved. If someone says they'll call they better. I don't take broken promises litely. This was a hard lesson for my hubby to learn if you say you're gonna do something you better. I wouldn't budge. He owns you an apology and an explanation. And then you need to apologize for being short with him. If it was me I would worry my self sick thinking something happened to him adn that's why he didn't call. Maybe if you explain why it upset you that he didn't call when he said he would he'll remember to call in the future.

I'm about 15 minutes from the base, want me to go beat 'em up for ya?

Personally I wouldn't call, email him etc when he doesn't do the same, I'd let him wonder what YOU'RE doing. I don't know if there are any intelligent men, the ones I dated were all stupid, and sometimes hubby lands in that catagory himself. :p

Well not to be mean or hurt you, BUT I just read the book.. He's just not that into you.. You should get it, it is by a man, and it has all the excuses men use,and he says If they are INTO you they don't make all the excuses, etc.
I'm realistic And I know s@*! happens, so ya can't be 100% happy all the time, but if he is just your BF and your unhappy,,, think about it,, imagine it 10-20 years from now. Stuff to consider,, I've been there,, with one for almost 10 years,,and I look back now,, and say " why did I waste all that time" I knew then how he was,,and I see him around and we chat, and hes married w/ 2 kids,,and he is still the same LOSER.. and I thank GOD I'm not his wife.

Update
 

Ok well he just called me at work. He said he had no idea what he did wrong and he got home from duty at 5:30 am mon and fell asleep. To which I told him you know if you knew you were tired and I don't doubt it, you should have called me on the way home and said duty was long I am going to sleep but wanted to call you any way. Said he didn't think I'd be up told him that's what a voice mail is for. There was lots of blank air on his side. Started asking me about my mom and I filled him in as I started crying. Said he was sorry, did the man thing trying to make you feel better and not doing much good.he told me he can't read minds and i should have called him the moment I took mom to the hospital, told him I was a bit busy with other items. I told him I would call instead of sending a peeved e-mail if something he did or didn't do gets me angry and I told him he better call me when he says he will. Told him I worry about him since we are states away from each other and wouldn't hear anthing is something happened. Told me I didn't need to worry about him :( yeah like that's going to happen. Told him I am worried and stressed enough about my mom that worrying about him when all he has to do is call is not that much to ask.

He can just be so aggravating sometimes, at times he is calling, e-mailing, and IMing me all the time and other times I feel like I have to remind him. He is the first guy I have loved and been with this long and sometimes I just wonder wether this is normal guy behavior or just him. And I really don't have any friends except the girl I work with and YT members to give me any incite and my mom doesn't help too much cause with her chronic migraines and all the meds sometimes she thinks he is great and other times she tells me to dump him.

:thumbs up :eyetearss

Sorry , I didn't mean to sound harsh, with you,, I didn't mean to sound like you should dump him or anything, I was just speaking of MY experience with men.. don't get me started on that! HA :rolleyes:

Have you guys talked about your future? Like do you think you will get married or just stay dating for awhile? Cause being a few states away is hard especially for along time & especially if you don't know where its going. Believe me I know! My husband is in the Air Force & when we were dating we were a state away. But our solution was to get married so we wouldn't have the long distance thing. Ya, that's a quick fix, but we planned on getting married anyway, just did it a little sooner! My suggestion would be to talk about your future and where your going. And if he's like, I dunno...then maybe you don't call him, email him or anything for a few days & maybe he'll get the picture! Good luck! :)

I will give you my insight of 45 yrs....if a man WANTS to call you, they will indeed call you. I don't care how much school, work, playing, sleeping or any other thousand things they're doing....if they WANT to call, THEY do. And that, my dear, is the God's honest (if painful) truth.

I am glad I am not dating in this techno age....just think they can call your cell phone, the home phone, im you, page you, or email you....and to think years ago...I used to check to see if the phone was working.....LOL.

Sounds to me like he's just a guy. Me and my husband had this fight that if he was gonna be late getting home from work he had to call me because after about an hour I started imagining God knows what happened to him. He finally got it. They just don't think the way we do. They figure we'll just think they got busy and they'll call when they get a chance. They don't realize that we are worried sick. This is normal guy behavior and the fact that he apologized and tried to understand why you're so upset is a good sign for him.

It sound normal to me, my husband was the same way when we were dating. He was alway late, I can remember 1 saturday that he was "8 hours" late coming over & when he got there naturally I was furious :mad: , so he turned around and left. He never could understand why I was so mad. I think it must be just a guy thing. After 10 years of dating & 12 years of marriage he's getting better about letting me know what he's up to.
Desiree

Men really are different than women. I've found through years of marrige that calm talking and speaking and telling him exactly what you want is better than wanting him to "know" what you want and need. Sometimes, some men just don't get it and Need us women to just straight out tell them, lay it all out and be honest. I have found this to work for me and I am hoping everything will turn out for you either way. I posted on the other thread about your mom and I just wanted you to know that she's in my prayers, and so are you.

I must add... My favorite Dr.Phil quote.. " YOU teach people how to treat you"
and it is so true.. If ya let em treat you badly.. they will continue to.
Don't settle for less than you know you deserve. Took me awhile to figure that out, but I got it now, and I got a good man too. :D

I would have been mad too...what is it with guys and not thinking that they need to call! UUUGGGHHHHH! :mad:

Hmmm...you know? My grandmother used to whisper to me....."No matter how long you've been with someone...NEVER let them be too SURE of you! Keeps em on there toes! :)

Francie

That is very true- take it from a EX Navy wife who was once in your shoes!

Been there done that I moved to Norfolk and did the marriage thing, then 3 girlfriends and two sons later I left! He was my high school sweetheart the only love I ever knew. What a mistake, I hated waiting not knowing the wait wait for the emails, calls, snail mail when out to sea is the most painful heartache! I now have found the love of my life who now calls me 2 or 3 times a day just to see how I am! Someone who cares about my feelings more than his and someone who doesnt get upset when I vent how I feel good or bad! Forgive my boldness- but there are other fish in the sea!

Francie please don't teach others to keep their loved ones insecure, it is NOT the way to an open lovingly relationship!
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This case is a very good example of WHY we must learn to always talk from our selves and not talk about others.
Your BF is right, he cannot read your mind or know what's going on in your end of the world. I bet that when he didn't call you, you were as much sad as you were mad. And the sadness can be your friend.
Tell him, not that HE makes you sad, but that you get sad when you need him and don't hear from him. (This is called taking responsibility for your feelings) And learn to pick up the darn phone when you feel like talking to him. You need him and that's all the reason you need to not wait for him to call, but grab the phone and call him yourself :)

Another thing is - do not listen to people who have opinions on wether you should dump him or not - they have absolutely no clue to what you are like with him and what he is like with you. You must listen to YOUR heart and noone else.

[Said he was sorry, did the man thing trying to make you feel better and not doing much good]
Tell him what you need from him - he is NOT a mind reader! Tell him that what you need him to is just listen and be compassionate not try to solve problems or cheer you up (or whatever you want) Women in generel are not very good at telling their men what they like and want and men can't guess it - and they shouldn't!

Never send emails to scold or complain, always do it in voice or person. Emails get misunderstood sooo easily, there should be a law against emailing feelings.

[at times he is calling, e-mailing, and IMing me all the time and other times I feel like I have to remind him]
Well, it takes 2 to tango, you are as obligated to call, email and IM him as he is you. So maybe when he is busy you are the one doing it a lot and at times where you are busy he will be the one doing it.

As to wether this example is typical guy behaviour - please try to remember that again - it takes 2 to tango - if you get your message clearly across to him about what you need and like, there will be no misunderstandings. And if you have doubts as to what he means by something - ask him.

Openness - is the clue to a genuine sincere relationsship - the more open you are and the more you are able to speak for you, the easier it will be for him to help you get what you need. And of course the same goes for him :)

Good luck :)

It is so true...people will treat us the way we allow them to treat us.
No way I would put up with a BF who is so casual about my feelings...relationships are good when you treat the other person the way you would like to be treated.

I agree totally with your grandmother...and my husband can be a real "task" at times to figure out. We don't share alot of the same interests which has been tough through the years. He loves to race. And he has done well (very well) with it. It's just not my thing. The traveling, the loud cars, the smell, the people... And sometimes I wonder, am I where I am supposed to be? All I want to do in life is raise my babies now and then and just be happy! He does support me with my dreams, but his always seem to be top on the list. I spend alot of my time alone during the months of March-November due to his traveling with the Southern Circuit, Carolina Coalition...long story. But in the end I have to support him just the same as I want to be supported. Sometimes...I just don't know why? :confused:

When we were dating, my husband was always late. He just didn't understand why it upset me so bad. Sometimes he was late because his ex was late either picking up the boys or wasn't home when he went to drop them off. I couldn't get to upset with him then. 95% of the time he just ran late. Now he does call me if he is going to be real late getting home unless he just gets caught up and doesn't have a free minute to let me know. Like now I was expecting him home over an hour ago and I haven't heard from him. If he's not here by 10:00 I will call him and see if I can get a hold of him.

Sorry didn't mean to ramble.

Kewee...the Point of that quote was to let people realize that they shouldn't let people take them for granted...a gentle reminder that you expect to be treated well does not mean its the antithesis of a loving relationship...I don't what to tell you...my Grandmother was married for 50 years...guess she did something right!

Francie

I know at times we all complain about something or other that bothers us about our "men". When I get the answer "it's just a man thing!" I am furious.WHY is it a MAN thing? Partly, because we make excuses for his actions both to ourselves AND others. I feel there comes a time and personally, I think it should be early in a relationship BEFORE certain behavior patterns are established, when the person says "Enough! I will not tolerate you treating me that way and I in turn will not treat you that way!"
I, also, am not suggesting that you drop him or issue an ultimatum, but clearly, this is not a happy, nourishing, mutual loving relationship as it is now. Is change needed? I think so. BUT, we cannot change how another person acts or feels, what we can change is how we react to those things.
Pre-marital counselling, if marriage is in the future, is an absolute necessity if a permanent relationship is to work between 2 such persons.
Re-think your responses and demands and take a look at how well this relationship meets your needs, and his.
Also, your mom is in my prayers and I hope she is better by the time all of the posts are read. Best of luck to you in your future..

I agree with you .

After a bad marriage and then a long term bad relationship I decided to do something different.

I was going to treat others how I wanted to be treated, if they didn't treat me the way I felt I should be treated I moved on. I never played games with people and I didn't feel I had unrealistic expecations. Since I also treated that person how I wanted to be treated.

Anyways, my jist of this post is to say, be open and honest with yourself- the way you are being treated now, is the way you will be treated when/if you are married, can you accept that? are these things that bother you something you can live with forever? (marriage does not change a person into a better person)

I don't believe in "normal man behavior"... just because we all carry something different in our pants (meaning men and women) doesn't give us excuses to have certian behaviors... he did what he did because it is who he is, not because he is a "man"

Wow Brenda - that was an awesome post and I learned something from that myself ...thanks :)

I love wisdom and everyone can learn from people who have been there...we all create our own path :rose:

I've been married almost 31 years, so I'm coming from that perspective. A lot of guys get really caught up in their world away from the women in their lives. I think the military would be an easy one for that to happen in. Personally, I wouldn't want to mess with it if I were young and starting out. My husband is somewhat that way and there have been some painful times. (Example -- on the way to my sister's funeral he wanted to know if I wanted to stop in and meet some people. Not the way to the town where the funeral was going to be and we were staying -- this was on the way to the actual service where one of her two young children screamed on my lap the whole time.) think it's just a sort of workaholic or playaholic obtusenss. They get caught up in what they're doing and they just aren't aware of the world -- at least for that time. Some of them like that are GREAT when they come home. Some improve with age (like mine) but you can't count on that. You have to take or leave them on the basis of what you see is what you get. It sounds like you want to have a man who doesn't cut his life into slices. So let this one go. Find one who's tuned in more evenly across all the aspects of his life.

Thanks V- I have learned a lot from you also.

Actually it is great to hear/read about people experiences from those who have been there... but I try and think back to when I was "in love" with the guy who is now my "ex"- he was a nasty man, and I was blinded by love so I didn't see the warning signs..

But I do wonder, if anyone would of given me advice, or told me their stories, would I have believed them and would it of changed my life.. or would I have said "well, my situation is different, this man loves me and he won't do those things ect?"

I would like to think I would of saved myself a lot of grief, but in reality I was young and thought I knew all the answers, and that would not have happened to me.

livingdustmops- I love that saying... "we all create our own path" I am going to print that out and put it up by my desk.... (if you don't mind) that is such a true statement, one that makes you think.

thank you for all the opinions that you all have given me, I have a lot of think ahead of me which I am not looking forward to but I know has to be done. I love him very much and I can't imagine my life without him. I know you young and in love and can't see past that but I do and have. In some reguards I am just very worried that if this doesn't work out I will be alone and might not ever meet someone who treats me that way he does. Because he does treat me very well and I know I don't have to worry about him not being faithful to me. I know also I have gotten too attached to his family and friends which if things don't turn out I will miss very much.

Again please forgive my boldness and the following book---
How do you know he is faithful? Do you know what he is doing when he goesn't have duty? Unless you are there 24/7 you don't know and even when you are you don't always know.....
Sorry I just know what is like having been down that road- it is very painful...
I am still very attached to my ex's family- my kids, my step daughter and my husband and I all had Christmas with my ex's family Monday night. But you aren't with them you are with him.....
Honey don't let the what if's scare you, you need to read "minniemn's" and others post's on here because life is too short to spend it with the wrong person. There are many others out there that will treat you with respect and do what they say they will...Others that will love you for you!
I guess I sound so nasty and hurtful because I have waited for those calls, then after I married him thinking if I could only change this one thing about him I then waited for him to come home, and waited for this and that....It kind of reminds me of the song by Garth Brooks- the Thunder Rolls...Except I didn't do that final verse I just left I couldn't take the lack of trust any longer...
Sorry for the book......
Ever since my ex joined the service--Out of sight out of mind- is how his mind thinks! Cause he is still cheating on his current wife!