Originally Posted by Carmeow (Post 4099463)

So I've been in a relationship for 5 years. Before me, when he still lived with his parents, Tony said he always kept his room extremely clean. We've lived together for a year and honestly I really feel completely miserable sometimes. Why? Because despite the fact that I am in love with him, I feel like I'm almost "doomed" to a life with a total freaking spoiled, lazy brat. His mom did all the cleaning. I mean ALL of it. His parents got divorced because his dad is disabled and his mom felt trapped and smothered.

Like I beg Tony to help around the house. He will help, but only after I'm about to cry because im so frustrated. He does nothing until I ask him. We have talked about it many, many times. I go on and on telling him how I feel and he sits there and finally says "What doyu want me to say?" And then I'm crying again because...he's just...not a man...he needs to grow up because I am not his mom and I feel like I have to be. Otherwise our housoe is a wreck. He lets dishes and trash pile up, he NEVER EVER changes Lumas potty pads...I do both of our laundry...I have to remind him to take a shower. Seriously. I am living with a child. I don't know how much more I can take.

Why is he like this? His mom did everything for him. Don't even get me started on anything to do with money. He acts so annoyed when I want him to split the cost of something with me. His grandparents pay our rent and his tuition. I pay the electricity. He buys groceries but we fight every single time we go to the store over how much we can spend. Idk what his problem is. He's 21. All he does is play videogames and leave a mess. His only responsibility is to write the damn check for our rent and he even screws THAT up, forgetting to write the check even though I remind him and even write it on a calendar. Like really?

Please, someone tell me how I can get him to grow the F up. Sorry, I am just totally at my wit's end...I'm sorry to complain...I just needed to vent and I know most of you here are older, married or more experienced women.

Originally Posted by RileyDC (Post 4100256)

Okay.... That is just FILTHY GROSS!!!!

I AGREE with brezofleur: "Relationships should absolutely be 50/50. Maybe 55/45, but definitely not 80/20 and god forbid 90/10."

You are not going to change him. Especially if you are getting that type of response from him when you try and talk to him about it. It’s True! What do you want him to say?? This is who he is. I don’t think it is a matter of Growing Up! This is what he is used to. This is how he was raised.

It is as if you have reached a fork in the road… which way do you choose to go? If you truly believe that he is your lazy, messy soulmate and you decide to accept him then you need to accept that this is what You have chosen… what you are signing up for. Also, if this is what you chose, then you shouldn’t be talking about it in any bad way in the future. That just isn’t fair to him.

A co-worker of mine is going through something similar.
It has started affecting other things between them and as much as she Loves him, she literallydriv Dreads coming home to the point where she Immediately gets thrown into a bad mood when she sees his car in the eway. Sad!

I think you have got a lot of good advice here… - I do wish you luck with whatever you decide.

Originally Posted by LilAnnCamp (Post 4100357)

Ha... Yes... Touching the basket!!

Yes, by no means I was telling her to leave him. Sometimes it is just depressing when there never seems time for each other. My husband is fasting from his Xbox for 21 days. Last night was the first night of him being upstairs with me. I don't know if I can take 21 days of the extra noise upstairs!!

Originally Posted by GuinnessStout (Post 4100416)

Heck I wish mine would use his PS3 or Xbox where I could at least feel as if my money was well spent :p

Originally Posted by Carmeow (Post 4100651)

Yes, it has been overwhelming. I'm sorry I haven't responded to everyone. Thank you to everyone who offered me advice here and in PMs. We had a very, very long talk last night. I think we will be okay if he keeps showing me that he's trying. Not just long enough to get out of jail free, but for the long run. I kepttelling him I wanted him to promise me things would change, but he is afraid to break a promise if he doesn't live up to my very high expectations. I just wanted him to know that I dont WANT to feel like his mother, but right now I do. It won't happen overnight.

I don't care who gets mad at me for not immediately breaking up with him. I came here pointing out the negatives but it isn't the whole picture, and its not an accurate portrait of who he is. I have to admit that I have thought for a long time that I may be struggling with OCD. I've never admitted that, even to myself, that it may be pretty serious case of it. Old habits die hard I guess but you can change habits if you keep working at it. I think I'm very hard on him and he puts up with it. I love him for that reason. So I should love him for his flaws too.

Originally Posted by Ella08 (Post 4100691)

Nobody can get mad at you for not breaking up with him. It's your life you choose to live it as you please. But promises mean nothing, he can promise anything until he's blue in the face. Instead it's all about his actions. He obviously will not change overnight, but he cannot be forced to change either. He needs to have the desire to change, in order to change. The hardest thing to realize is the only person you have control over is yourself.

Originally Posted by Lil Sis (Post 4100159)

I do think life is seen through different glasses. What I mean is, if I am in a bad mood (having a pity party so to speak) I could tell you my life story and make you cry. I would focus on the sad events the negative. It would be true but is it the whole story? If I am in a great mood and told my life story (same life) it would sound happy...challenging events at times of hardship but a lot of happiness and blessings. Which is the truth?

Originally Posted by Carmeow (Post 4100651)

I came here pointing out the negatives but it isn't the whole picture, and its not an accurate portrait of who he is.