Inviting people to an engagement shower-- but not the wedding?! - YorkieTalk.com Forums

heatherm0890 · 08-05-2011, 01:33 PM

Okay so my mom and best friend have been planning a HUGE engagment shower for me and my fiance who are getting married in May. I gave my mom, dad, stepmom and grandparents free reign to invite whomever the would have wanted at the wedding to this shower as we have chosen to have a small wedding of family only. My thinking was to have everyone included in some way of the wedding process since having 150 people attend the wedding was not feasible for us. Also, my fiance's sister had numerous showers and we wanted to avoid that. With our schedule on the weekends (we are photographers) it was easier to have everyone at one versus a bunch of little ones. However, I read in Bride Magazine that if you get an invite to an engagement shower, you get one to the wedding. I also heard elsewhere that a party for those that could not attend the wedding was typically done after because you shouldnt ask people for gifts if your not inviting them to the wedding. When I heard this I was upset because I was absolutly not trying to get the gifts. I just really wanted to have something where EVERYONE could be included. The invitations are out and there is no changing it at this point. Do you think people will think we are going about this the wrong way and just trying to get gifts??

RachelandSadie · 08-05-2011, 01:51 PM

I don't really know the etiquette. Dear Abby is great about answering these scenarios. I think in today's society people are just doing what they want to do it's your big day you have to do what works for you. Have fun, be happy, and don't worry about other people's opinions so much.

heatherm0890 · 08-05-2011, 01:55 PM

thanks for the encouragement...I have made it it clear to my family whos throwing it what the situation is, but not all of the guests. I think my mom and has told the people she invited the situation as well. I just honestly didn't think of things in that way and now I am worried I am going to offend someone...

RachelandSadie · 08-05-2011, 02:29 PM

maybe just spread the word no gifts please around and those that want to do it anyways will and other's will think it's fine without gifts. if i were going to an engagement party i wouldn't have thought to bring gifts myself, unless it said wedding shower or something.

megansmomma · 08-05-2011, 02:52 PM

You do not invite guests to a Wedding Shower if they are not going to be invited to the wedding. Sorry to say it's would look like you were begging for gifts. I probably would not even attend the shower or send a gift. Probably not what you wanted to hear but this is a huge faux pas but I don't know how you are going to correct this short of adding all of the invited people to your wedding. Personally, this would be my only option.

Here is a quick list of Wedding Shower Etiquette

The wedding shower--or bridal shower--is one of the many important events preceding a wedding where a bride gathers with women in her family or women in her future husband's family as well as close friends to receive gifts. The following article explains the purpose of the wedding shower as well as who to invite, guest list etiquette and what to do after the shower.

The Purpose
The purpose of a wedding shower is to shower the bride-to-be with gifts to be used in the bride and groom's new home. It can also serve as a sign of support (from the bride's family) or a welcoming (from the groom's family).

Who Puts on the Shower
The maid of honor usually organizes the shower, although it is also common for an aunt of either the bride or groom to throw a wedding shower as well. It is also common for a bride-to-be to receive more than one shower from several groups.

Who to Invite
The general rule for who to invite to a shower is the mother of the bride, the mother of the groom, grandmothers (and great-grandmothers) of both, aunts, female cousins, bridal attendants, close female friends and close female business friends.

Invitation Etiquette
It is extremely poor etiquette to invite someone to a wedding shower but leave her off the guest list for the wedding. However, if someone lives too far away to attend the bridal shower, it is not out of the question to invite her to the shower as it lets that person know you are thinking of her.

Thank Yous
The most important thing for a bride to do is to write thank you notes after receiving gifts from anyone. The bride can ask someone to help her make a list of everything she received and from whom, as well as getting the addresses of those who attended the shower and gave gifts, but it is the bride's responsibility to make sure she takes the time to thank the people who gave her gifts.

What Is the Purpose of a Wedding Shower? | eHow.com

heatherm0890 · 08-05-2011, 03:17 PM

Thanks RachelandSadie..good idea!

megansmomma- This is an engagement shower and not a wedding shower, so really none of that applies. My fiance will be there, it will not be only females, it isn't really a welcome or time for the families to meet as my fiance and I have known each other since were were 7, and my mom is really into the planning. Maybe I am not the type to truly worry about the "rules" too much-- I just don't want to be sure I am not offensive when that was NOT my intention...I also hope my family and friends know my fiance and I will enough to know we are not the kind of people to "beg for gifts." But thanks for the advice!

YorkieRose · 08-05-2011, 03:57 PM

I have never heard of an engagement SHOWER...A PARTY to celebrate the engagement is wonderful, been to many..., but a shower where gifts are expected, then a bridal shower or several, and a wedding gift...boy, that is really a gimme, gimme all I can get thing to me...sorry...I would never want guests to bring a gift to an engagement party...the way it is today..people stay engaged for years before a wedding, even have kids...

I think the worst is asking 300 people to the parties, showers, wedding and on 50 to the reception..see it all the time.

Valenie · 08-05-2011, 04:05 PM

No my aunt had the same thing her hubby was just ppl shy it so ok just let the ppl know that you are having a small wedding.

DvlshAngel985 · 08-05-2011, 04:30 PM

The key word that might be throwing people off is "shower." when you think of a wedding, baby, or what have you shower is when people come together to shower the honoree with gifts. An engaement party, however, is just a gathering to celebrate an occassion or event. It's silly but the way you word things can make such a huge difference.

heatherm0890 · 08-05-2011, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by YorkieRose

I have never heard of an engagement SHOWER...A PARTY to celebrate the engagement is wonderful, been to many..., but a shower where gifts are expected, then a bridal shower or several, and a wedding gift...boy, that is really a gimme, gimme all I can get thing to me...sorry...I would never want guests to bring a gift to an engagement party...the way it is today..people stay engaged for years before a wedding, even have kids...

I think the worst is asking 300 people to the parties, showers, wedding and on 50 to the reception..see it all the time.

Just checked the invite and it says... "Please join us in a celebration of the engagement of etc..." so yea maybe shower isn't the word to be used...sorry about that! lol I guess I didn't realize how wording could make such a difference

I also spoke with a few guests who are invited to the "celebration" and not the wedding. They said since we are having a destination wedding they are not at all offended!
Thanks everyone...beginning to feel a lil better

Plus, this is the only event before the wedding we are having...with our crazy schedules, more isn't possible!

megansmomma · 08-05-2011, 05:02 PM

I guess I misread your post. So what exactly is an engagement shower? If you are talking about an engagement party they are usually even a smaller party to celebrate the recent engagement of a couple and no gifts are expected or given. But even then it would be for very close friends (usually wedding party) and close relatives. When you say shower that does mean to bring gifts as in "showering you with gifts".

ETA~now I see that you are having a destination wedding which makes all of this a mute point.

heatherm0890 · 08-05-2011, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by megansmomma

I guess I misread your post. So what exactly is an engagement shower? If you are talking about an engagement party they are usually even a smaller party to celebrate the recent engagement of a couple and no gifts are expected or given. But even then it would be for very close friends (usually wedding party) and close relatives. When you say shower that does mean to bring gifts as in "showering you with gifts".

ETA~now I see that you are having a destination wedding which makes all of this a mute point.

I also misworded things as well and didn't mention the destination part...we aren't leaving the country or anything but are traveling to a beach about 5 hours from home and even further for many of the guests to have the wedding in an oceanfront home

RachelandSadie · 08-05-2011, 05:10 PM

it's destination wedding then it's no wonder you can't invite everyone. no biggie. it's an engagement PARTY not a shower since there aren't expected gifts and people won't expect to bring gifts to the party unless they want to. since it's a destination wedding they also won't be expecting an invite to the wedding since it's prob away from home and they couldn't go anyways. ur prob gonna be fine

tjdmom · 08-05-2011, 05:58 PM

Well, if you are have a destination wedding, wouldn't most people be unable to attend anyway? At this point your invitations are already out but maybe you could send a note asking for everyone to just share your day and no gifts, that way no one would feel like you are just begging for gifts but don't care about them enough to invite them to the wedding. Just a suggestion if you are worried about that....

107barney · 08-05-2011, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tjdmom

Well, if you are have a destination wedding, wouldn't most people be unable to attend anyway? At this point your invitations are already out but maybe you could send a note asking for everyone to just share your day and no gifts, that way no one would feel like you are just begging for gifts but don't care about them enough to invite them to the wedding. Just a suggestion if you are worried about that....

Great Post tjdmom. I totally agree the OP should tell people NO GIFTS otherwise it is nothing but tacky tacky tacky.

08-05-2011, 01:33 PM	#1
heatherm0890 YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Greenville,North Carolina, US Posts: 875	Inviting people to an engagement shower-- but not the wedding?! Okay so my mom and best friend have been planning a HUGE engagment shower for me and my fiance who are getting married in May. I gave my mom, dad, stepmom and grandparents free reign to invite whomever the would have wanted at the wedding to this shower as we have chosen to have a small wedding of family only. My thinking was to have everyone included in some way of the wedding process since having 150 people attend the wedding was not feasible for us. Also, my fiance's sister had numerous showers and we wanted to avoid that. With our schedule on the weekends (we are photographers) it was easier to have everyone at one versus a bunch of little ones. However, I read in Bride Magazine that if you get an invite to an engagement shower, you get one to the wedding. I also heard elsewhere that a party for those that could not attend the wedding was typically done after because you shouldnt ask people for gifts if your not inviting them to the wedding. When I heard this I was upset because I was absolutly not trying to get the gifts. I just really wanted to have something where EVERYONE could be included. The invitations are out and there is no changing it at this point. Do you think people will think we are going about this the wrong way and just trying to get gifts?? __________________ **Bailee's Mommy **

08-05-2011, 01:55 PM	#3
heatherm0890 YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Greenville,North Carolina, US Posts: 875	thanks for the encouragement...I have made it it clear to my family whos throwing it what the situation is, but not all of the guests. I think my mom and has told the people she invited the situation as well. I just honestly didn't think of things in that way and now I am worried I am going to offend someone... __________________ **Bailee's Mommy **

08-05-2011, 02:52 PM	#5
megansmomma Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: S. W. Suburbs of Chicago, IL Posts: 12,235	You do not invite guests to a Wedding Shower if they are not going to be invited to the wedding. Sorry to say it's would look like you were begging for gifts. I probably would not even attend the shower or send a gift. Probably not what you wanted to hear but this is a huge faux pas but I don't know how you are going to correct this short of adding all of the invited people to your wedding. Personally, this would be my only option. Here is a quick list of Wedding Shower Etiquette The wedding shower--or bridal shower--is one of the many important events preceding a wedding where a bride gathers with women in her family or women in her future husband's family as well as close friends to receive gifts. The following article explains the purpose of the wedding shower as well as who to invite, guest list etiquette and what to do after the shower. The Purpose The purpose of a wedding shower is to shower the bride-to-be with gifts to be used in the bride and groom's new home. It can also serve as a sign of support (from the bride's family) or a welcoming (from the groom's family). Who Puts on the Shower The maid of honor usually organizes the shower, although it is also common for an aunt of either the bride or groom to throw a wedding shower as well. It is also common for a bride-to-be to receive more than one shower from several groups. Who to Invite The general rule for who to invite to a shower is the mother of the bride, the mother of the groom, grandmothers (and great-grandmothers) of both, aunts, female cousins, bridal attendants, close female friends and close female business friends. Invitation Etiquette It is extremely poor etiquette to invite someone to a wedding shower but leave her off the guest list for the wedding. However, if someone lives too far away to attend the bridal shower, it is not out of the question to invite her to the shower as it lets that person know you are thinking of her. Thank Yous The most important thing for a bride to do is to write thank you notes after receiving gifts from anyone. The bride can ask someone to help her make a list of everything she received and from whom, as well as getting the addresses of those who attended the shower and gave gifts, but it is the bride's responsibility to make sure she takes the time to thank the people who gave her gifts. What Is the Purpose of a Wedding Shower? \| eHow.com __________________ “Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” Mark Twain

08-05-2011, 03:17 PM	#6
heatherm0890 YT 500 Club Member Join Date: Oct 2008 Location: Greenville,North Carolina, US Posts: 875	Thanks RachelandSadie..good idea! megansmomma- This is an engagement shower and not a wedding shower, so really none of that applies. My fiance will be there, it will not be only females, it isn't really a welcome or time for the families to meet as my fiance and I have known each other since were were 7, and my mom is really into the planning. Maybe I am not the type to truly worry about the "rules" too much-- I just don't want to be sure I am not offensive when that was NOT my intention...I also hope my family and friends know my fiance and I will enough to know we are not the kind of people to "beg for gifts." But thanks for the advice! __________________ **Bailee's Mommy **

08-05-2011, 04:05 PM	#8
Valenie Owned by Bella & Tibbs Donating Member Join Date: Jul 2011 Location: Loyall KY USA Posts: 2,252 Blog Entries: 15	No my aunt had the same thing her hubby was just ppl shy it so ok just let the ppl know that you are having a small wedding. __________________ XOXO Valenie LOVING Mommy to Tibbers Bella and my son Adam!

08-05-2011, 01:51 PM	#2
RachelandSadie No Longer a Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Kansas City, MO Posts: 5,748	I don't really know the etiquette. Dear Abby is great about answering these scenarios. I think in today's society people are just doing what they want to do it's your big day you have to do what works for you. Have fun, be happy, and don't worry about other people's opinions so much.

08-05-2011, 02:29 PM	#4
RachelandSadie No Longer a Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Kansas City, MO Posts: 5,748	maybe just spread the word no gifts please around and those that want to do it anyways will and other's will think it's fine without gifts. if i were going to an engagement party i wouldn't have thought to bring gifts myself, unless it said wedding shower or something.

08-05-2011, 03:57 PM	#7
YorkieRose No Longer a Member Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: South Florida Posts: 8,577	I have never heard of an engagement SHOWER...A PARTY to celebrate the engagement is wonderful, been to many..., but a shower where gifts are expected, then a bridal shower or several, and a wedding gift...boy, that is really a gimme, gimme all I can get thing to me...sorry...I would never want guests to bring a gift to an engagement party...the way it is today..people stay engaged for years before a wedding, even have kids... I think the worst is asking 300 people to the parties, showers, wedding and on 50 to the reception..see it all the time.

08-05-2011, 04:30 PM	#9
DvlshAngel985 Donating YT 2000 Club Member Join Date: May 2008 Location: Los Angeles, California, USA Posts: 12,693	The key word that might be throwing people off is "shower." when you think of a wedding, baby, or what have you shower is when people come together to shower the honoree with gifts. An engaement party, however, is just a gathering to celebrate an occassion or event. It's silly but the way you word things can make such a huge difference. __________________ Littlest JakJak We miss you Kaji

08-05-2011, 05:02 PM	#11
megansmomma Donating YT 10K Club Member Join Date: Aug 2007 Location: S. W. Suburbs of Chicago, IL Posts: 12,235	I guess I misread your post. So what exactly is an engagement shower? If you are talking about an engagement party they are usually even a smaller party to celebrate the recent engagement of a couple and no gifts are expected or given. But even then it would be for very close friends (usually wedding party) and close relatives. When you say shower that does mean to bring gifts as in "showering you with gifts". ETA~now I see that you are having a destination wedding which makes all of this a mute point. __________________ “Never argue with a fool, onlookers may not be able to tell the difference.” Mark Twain

08-05-2011, 05:10 PM	#13
RachelandSadie No Longer a Member Join Date: Jul 2009 Location: Kansas City, MO Posts: 5,748	it's destination wedding then it's no wonder you can't invite everyone. no biggie. it's an engagement PARTY not a shower since there aren't expected gifts and people won't expect to bring gifts to the party unless they want to. since it's a destination wedding they also won't be expecting an invite to the wedding since it's prob away from home and they couldn't go anyways. ur prob gonna be fine

08-05-2011, 05:58 PM	#14
tjdmom Donating YT 500 Club Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: upstate ny Posts: 5,847	Well, if you are have a destination wedding, wouldn't most people be unable to attend anyway? At this point your invitations are already out but maybe you could send a note asking for everyone to just share your day and no gifts, that way no one would feel like you are just begging for gifts but don't care about them enough to invite them to the wedding. Just a suggestion if you are worried about that....