Need advice Please

[mizzwanned]

My boyfriend and I are both in situations where we have to move out of our houses. I live with my mom, he lives with his sister. For a while I've been wanting to move out and although I don't mind living by myself and it's what i wanted to do I know that I would be scared to be alone. I also thought about having a roomate or something but I've heard a lot of stories about roomates not getting along and I want to be able to have the freedom to do what i want and not be told what i cant and cant do. It's kinda why i want to move out now. So my bf wants to live with me but I've heard not so good things about that. Do you think it's a good idea to live together? We are both young...and have been together for 4 yrs. It's kinda like we live together now..he sleeps in my house and I in his like almost all the time..it's just that we have the security of being able to say 'i'm going home now' or w.e. I don't want us to get in each other's nerves if we're in each others space all the time. But at the same time it's a big option cause it would make rent a lot cheaper if we split it, and help each other out. What do you think?

[itzzbarb]

You are a smart young lady to be thinking this through and to ask for help. That says alot about you. And, of course, you know we always have advice. I would wait until you find just the right place, in the right part of town, that you can afford on your own and feel safe in. You have made the decison to move out on your own. That is the first step. Now, while you are looking and waiting for just the right place, you can save your money. Have some extra on hand so if something happens, you don't have to break a lease that you are legally bound to pay, and go back home to live with mother. Breaking a lease is one of the first ways young people begin ruining their credit. Also, I would find a place to live that I could pay for myself and not have to depend on someone else to pay part of the rent. You never know what that other person will do. They could move out or cause damages, and stick you with the financial end of things. About living with your boyfriend....unmarried couples should not mingle funds. Someone always gets stuck paying more than their share because the car breaks down or some other story. You get mad at each other, break up, then one of you is left holding the bag. In short, if you can't make it on your own, stay at mama's house until you can. Save and plan towards it. You might want to get a part-time job to help build up your bank account. Good luck to you!

[Patti]

I lived with my husband for 4 years before we got married. We had been together for 8 years and we have been married for 27 years now so it worked out for us, but there were tough times too. When we lived together we kept our finances separate and whoever made more paid more of the expenses. Just try and be real sure and work out details of who does what and who pays for what before moving in.

[JeanieK]

That is a tough one. If you break up, you either lose your room mate, or have to live with someone that you can't stand and cannot get on with your life.

Pray about it.

[aquinn]

Well, I was in your situation not too long ago so I can offer some advice.

Pretty much everyone told me not to do it (which was the right advice) but I did it anyway, so I'll focus on some things to do if you decide to go through with it. Looking back, minus not moving in together in the first place, I would have been sure to do the following prior to making the move:
1. Discuss how utilities will be divided. Who will be responsible for actually making the payment to the utility company, and when will the other need to have their share of the funds to the other person? What will happen if you don't agree on the temperature. If you agree to do 50/50 but then he insists on hiking up the AC to where it's 60 degrees does he have to pay more than 50% for this choice? Think about it? Would you feel it's fair to A. freeze & B. pay more for it.

2. Discuss who will pay the landlord and also when the other person will need to contribute their share by. What are the consequences if that share is not on time?

3. What happens in the fridge/freezer? If you go out and buy your favorite Ben and Jerry's for a special occasion and he eats it before that time comes what happens? Is it clear what you buy is yours and what he buys is his? If someone eats someone elses food what happens? replacement, reimbursement, nothing? Beware of assuming he will be fair and you both will contribute to the fridge/freezer/pantry evenly. If not, you'll see he's eating your groceries, then you'll feel like you can't buy anything cause he'll take advantage of it, and then you'll find yourself with nothing in the fridge, etc.

4. Think of his contribution to the rent as "gravy, or icing on the cake." But don't put your name on a lease you couldn't afford without his contribution. What if he suddenly gets hit by a bus? I know, awful, but you'll still have to pay the entire rent yourself. Add up your income & costs and determine what you can comfortably afford. Then get a place in line with that.

Overall, don't make any assumptions when it comes to financially related matters. It's really hard to call someone out on a behavior that you didn't specifically discuss beforehand. Sample conversation:

How could you eat my icecream??? I bought that for girls night
What do you mean your icecream? It was in our fridge!
But I paid for it!
So, what's in the freezer is common property
No it's not!
Since when??
Etc.

Sorry to sound so cynical, but maybe this will help you steer clear of some issues I experienced personally. If nothing else, it's better to avoid a potential problem that may never actually occur than to assume it won't and then be screwed

[manolos mom]

Originally Posted by mizzwanned

My boyfriend and I are both in situations where we have to move out of our houses. I live with my mom, he lives with his sister. For a while I've been wanting to move out and although I don't mind living by myself and it's what i wanted to do I know that I would be scared to be alone. I also thought about having a roomate or something but I've heard a lot of stories about roomates not getting along and I want to be able to have the freedom to do what i want and not be told what i cant and cant do. It's kinda why i want to move out now. So my bf wants to live with me but I've heard not so good things about that. Do you think it's a good idea to live together? We are both young...and have been together for 4 yrs. It's kinda like we live together now..he sleeps in my house and I in his like almost all the time..it's just that we have the security of being able to say 'i'm going home now' or w.e. I don't want us to get in each other's nerves if we're in each others space all the time. But at the same time it's a big option cause it would make rent a lot cheaper if we split it, and help each other out. What do you think?

I think you should go to Vegas and get married...I'm kinda old fashion..

[mizzwanned]

Originally Posted by itzzbarb

You are a smart young lady to be thinking this through and to ask for help. That says alot about you. And, of course, you know we always have advice. I would wait until you find just the right place, in the right part of town, that you can afford on your own and feel safe in. You have made the decison to move out on your own. That is the first step. Now, while you are looking and waiting for just the right place, you can save your money. Have some extra on hand so if something happens, you don't have to break a lease that you are legally bound to pay, and go back home to live with mother. Breaking a lease is one of the first ways young people begin ruining their credit. Also, I would find a place to live that I could pay for myself and not have to depend on someone else to pay part of the rent. You never know what that other person will do. They could move out or cause damages, and stick you with the financial end of things. About living with your boyfriend....unmarried couples should not mingle funds. Someone always gets stuck paying more than their share because the car breaks down or some other story. You get mad at each other, break up, then one of you is left holding the bag. In short, if you can't make it on your own, stay at mama's house until you can. Save and plan towards it. You might want to get a part-time job to help build up your bank account. Good luck to you!

OK thank you sooo much! That was very kind and good advice! I am appyling to part time jobs now so that I can save money-I want to have atleast $5k saved up incase of anything but i know it never hurts to have more. I'm going to start doing that right away..I'm really thinking about moving out on my own..I'm just scared. I have a friend that lives on her own too-in a studio and she likes it but she's a little more daring than me. Either way i think my bf will have to move out his house soon-and i wouldnt want him to live with random ppl so im seriously thinking this through. Maybe i can just get a head start-put the lease in my name and he can come move in with me but if anything happens between us he must go and i can keep the apt. Of course we would need to have some sort of agreement or contract

[mizzwanned]

Originally Posted by Patti

I lived with my husband for 4 years before we got married. We had been together for 8 years and we have been married for 27 years now so it worked out for us, but there were tough times too. When we lived together we kept our finances separate and whoever made more paid more of the expenses. Just try and be real sure and work out details of who does what and who pays for what before moving in.

That's great that it worked out for you 2! I think im just scared cause i remember in sociology class we read that most couples that live together either dont end up getting married or if they do they have a higher divorce rate but i think that's the case if the ppl don't know each other so well before moving in. In my bf and my situation we have practically lived together for 4 yrs- so we know each other's bad habits and such, and none are too bad lol If we do move in we will talk things out before doing it and also ask our friends for advice- they are a couple that recently moved in together not too long ago. I know a couple weeks ago they were having problems but it was because they were together too much and not doing their own things/hobbies so i will keep in mind to keep myself busy if that happens. So far they've been living together for 6 mos so there's some hope i guess.

[mizzwanned]

Originally Posted by JeanieK

That is a tough one. If you break up, you either lose your room mate, or have to live with someone that you can't stand and cannot get on with your life.

Pray about it.

Thanks!

[jeanm1963]

My daughter has lived with her fiance for 2 years now and here is the advise I gave to her and it totally has worked out for them.

BEFORE you move into the apartment figure all the total bills, rent , utilities, cable, internet, phone etc.. divide this by 2 , then by 4 each of you deposit X amount of dollars each week into a JOINT checking account.. hers are direct deposited.. so thier total montly bills are 2000.00 ,they each put 250.00 weekly into the account. They pay the bills togehter out of this checking account monthly. They BOTH have access to the account. Some months it cost a little less some a little more but they leave the extra in there to cover unsuspected bills!!
MOST utility companies can give you a rough estimate of the bills from the year before, you can ask them what the monthly heating bill was to get an estimate, Gas will do the same.. you may not live the same lifestyle of the prior tenents but it will give you a starting point!
On Sunday they do thier food shopping together and split the bill..
Although Id like to say I believe in marraige first, the current divorce rate is so high , maybe its a good thing if you test the waters before you jump into marriage. Good luck in what ever you decide to do!!

[mizzwanned]

Originally Posted by aquinn

Well, I was in your situation not too long ago so I can offer some advice.

Pretty much everyone told me not to do it (which was the right advice) but I did it anyway, so I'll focus on some things to do if you decide to go through with it. Looking back, minus not moving in together in the first place, I would have been sure to do the following prior to making the move:
1. Discuss how utilities will be divided. Who will be responsible for actually making the payment to the utility company, and when will the other need to have their share of the funds to the other person? What will happen if you don't agree on the temperature. If you agree to do 50/50 but then he insists on hiking up the AC to where it's 60 degrees does he have to pay more than 50% for this choice? Think about it? Would you feel it's fair to A. freeze & B. pay more for it.

2. Discuss who will pay the landlord and also when the other person will need to contribute their share by. What are the consequences if that share is not on time?

3. What happens in the fridge/freezer? If you go out and buy your favorite Ben and Jerry's for a special occasion and he eats it before that time comes what happens? Is it clear what you buy is yours and what he buys is his? If someone eats someone elses food what happens? replacement, reimbursement, nothing? Beware of assuming he will be fair and you both will contribute to the fridge/freezer/pantry evenly. If not, you'll see he's eating your groceries, then you'll feel like you can't buy anything cause he'll take advantage of it, and then you'll find yourself with nothing in the fridge, etc.

4. Think of his contribution to the rent as "gravy, or icing on the cake." But don't put your name on a lease you couldn't afford without his contribution. What if he suddenly gets hit by a bus? I know, awful, but you'll still have to pay the entire rent yourself. Add up your income & costs and determine what you can comfortably afford. Then get a place in line with that.

Overall, don't make any assumptions when it comes to financially related matters. It's really hard to call someone out on a behavior that you didn't specifically discuss beforehand. Sample conversation:

How could you eat my icecream??? I bought that for girls night
What do you mean your icecream? It was in our fridge!
But I paid for it!
So, what's in the freezer is common property
No it's not!
Since when??
Etc.

Sorry to sound so cynical, but maybe this will help you steer clear of some issues I experienced personally. If nothing else, it's better to avoid a potential problem that may never actually occur than to assume it won't and then be screwed

LOL im laughing cause i know that it will be a problem-my bf eats everything i buy, even now when i leave something in his house and im looking for it the next day he's like oops. But its ok, i dont get mad cause he buys so much for me- he buys food and cooks it so i cant get mad. I know that there would prob. not be much groceries in my house-prob only a few things like fruits and veggies and rice, etc. lol Food shopping is expensive!

[mizzwanned]

Originally Posted by manolos mom

I think you should go to Vegas and get married...I'm kinda old fashion..

Well I can say we're not even thinking marriage right now lol We've talked about it and both say we would marry one another but for me i don't even want to think about it until i have my career and a steady income and him too. But we both agree that if and when we do get married we will spend as little money as possible on a wedding cause it's a waste of money imo-just for 1 day so eloping is an option Or maybe just a small private wedding with family and close friends- but i'd rather spend a lot of money on a house than 1 day on a wedding which is mostly a party for guests. And im kinda old fashoned too-in some ways

[luvfla]

Not to be nosy..ok I'm being nosy...how old are you? Don't be in a hurry. If you've never lived on your own, had your very own apartment....it's fun & a right of passage.
PLus, your right, he won't be in your face all of the time.

[mizzwanned]

Originally Posted by jeanm1963

My daughter has lived with her fiance for 2 years now and here is the advise I gave to her and it totally has worked out for them.

BEFORE you move into the apartment figure all the total bills, rent , utilities, cable, internet, phone etc.. divide this by 2 , then by 4 each of you deposit X amount of dollars each week into a JOINT checking account.. hers are direct deposited.. so thier total montly bills are 2000.00 ,they each put 250.00 weekly into the account. They pay the bills togehter out of this checking account monthly. They BOTH have access to the account. Some months it cost a little less some a little more but they leave the extra in there to cover unsuspected bills!!
MOST utility companies can give you a rough estimate of the bills from the year before, you can ask them what the monthly heating bill was to get an estimate, Gas will do the same.. you may not live the same lifestyle of the prior tenents but it will give you a starting point!
On Sunday they do thier food shopping together and split the bill..
Although Id like to say I believe in marraige first, the current divorce rate is so high , maybe its a good thing if you test the waters before you jump into marriage. Good luck in what ever you decide to do!!

Thank you so much! Thats some very helpful advice i will make sure to do that

[mizzwanned]

Originally Posted by luvfla

Not to be nosy..ok I'm being nosy...how old are you? Don't be in a hurry. If you've never lived on your own, had your very own apartment....it's fun & a right of passage.
PLus, your right, he won't be in your face all of the time.

Lol I'm 22-which means i need to get out of my house!