Is it so wrong to want to get married?
 

Okay ladies and gents...you guys are like my second family so I thought I would see if you had any advice for me.

I have been dating this guy for a year now...I absolutely adore and love him with all of my heart! Last night he brought up that one of his female co-workers asked when we were going to get married and said that he told her that he wasn't getting married for a couple more years. We've discussed it several times and he has consistently said that he wants to get his ducks in a row before he gets married and he wants us to wait for a couple of years. I say that 2 years would be my time-line. It hurt my feelings...I know I would marry him now based on what we've been through and our like-minded decision making. How much more are you going to know someone after two years to not want to marry them?

I also pose the question "when does a woman know she's getting the run around and at what time should she call a spade a spade and walk away from someone that is unwilling to committ?" He comes from a broken home and says that he is afraid his marriage will end up like his parents marriage. I told him that we are not his parents nor mine and will end up making our own mistakes as well as achieving goals together! That you can't compare the two?? No two relationship is the same.

Some of you will probably say, why ruin a good thing? But what happened to being happily married and the sanctity of marriage itself?

Thanks for listening guys...don't know what I should do...walk away or stay...

Have you expressed your concerns to him. I'd see how receptive he is to your feelings. If he just blows you off I might start thinking about a new relationship with someone who shares your views on the subject.

He doesn't blow me off, in fact he talks in detail about what he wants to do...he wants to go to pre-marital counceling which I think is absolutely a wonderful idea and think we should try to find someone that we're both comfortable with. As soon as I say that, he says I don't know if we're ready for that yet...WHAT? I'm confused!!

Oh I have been where you are, and I can totally understand what you are feeling. I have been with my husband for 9 years and married only 2 out of the 9. at first I didn't want to get married, so we never really spoke about it, but when we were together for about 6 yrs I started talking about marriage and he would tell its just a piece of paper and I don't need that to prove how much I love u...:thumbdown he gave me the same speech over and over...he loves me doesn't see his life without me, im sure you have heard it all too. I felt like he must not see me in his life for years if he cant commit, and that made me sad and he then decided to open up and tell me that he was scared that marriage would change me and in turn our relationship. I explained that it wouldn't but did not press the issue. He left the whole issue of marriage alone and surprised me with my engagement ring on Christmas of that year and we married Sept of the following year. I don't really have advice because all relationships are different but just wanted you to know what happen with me and my hubby. He was scared...this could be your boyfriends feelings as well, try asking him :)

For some, marriage means becoming paralyzed by fear. But sometimes the one-thing-after-another game of excuses just serves to string someone (usually the woman) along. More often, it's a legitimate fear. He's not sure if he's old enough, secure enough, responsible enough, rich enough.

These are excellent things to consider when entering into marriage. But the biggest factor in any relationship is timing. When you find the right person and you hit the right age, sometimes you just have to take the plunge. Getting married isn't about knowing you're going into something easy and perfect. It's knowing that you've found the right person to take on life's challenges with. I'm not talking about getting married tomorrow..we've been together for a year, but I'd like to know that in another year (2 years together) that he plans on making the gesture.

I know he come's from a broken home but if we all held on to that reasoning most of us wouldn't ever get married in today's society and in return miss out on a lot of wonderfully long and happy marriages. I guess I'm afraid he'll never get over these fears and I will be left with a broken heart!

Thanks for the comfort guys! :) you're great!

I think it depends on how old you are. If you are in your early 20's then I think he is right. I don't think you are ready to get married, especially if he is not! I would listen to what he has to say, because he is trying to tell you a lot, and you may not be hearing it.

I understand where you are coming from, because you want to begin to make life with some one and not waste your time on a "no where" relationship. You want to mutually build together a home, a family, a savings, buy furniture, etc.

But he has a point. He may feel you both need to grow up more, figure out what each of you wants out of life before you are tied down to each other. All people change throughout the course of a relationship. It's inevitable. Sometime those changes causes a rift in the "once so perfect" relationship and you no longer have things in common and are no longer making decisions for the betterment of the relationship. Life throws new opportunities at you career wise, character building wise and/or challenges. It's these things that make a person change. He may want to see where he is at as a person a few years from now, to see if he still wants the same things. He may or he may not. You should do the same. It might make your relationship stronger or it might weaken it and it's time to move on.

No one is right or wrong. Everyone is exactly where they are at at the moment. He just isn't where you are at. You need to really understand this. Accept it and be stronger and let the marriage idea go for a while and see where the relationship takes you.

I agree things will change, careers, decision making..life all together...but I'm not sure if that should keep us from experiencing those changes together, marriage isn't having everything set and unchanging, no matter how long one waits to get married or how mature you become...life will always change (for better or worse)...for the record he's 30 and I'm 29.

I may not be in my late 30's or 40's but I am old enough to know I'd like a family and that there really is something to this whole marriage thing.. I see that when I walk into my parent's home and find them dancing in the kitchen.

I am hearing what he is saying and what he needs and have offered to start helping him to answer some of the questions that are bothering him. Hence, my support of finding a pre-marital counselor..he made the comment to me that sometimes he felt that he may be going over board with his fear and that it might help him ease some of them. I promise I've taken into consideration the entire subject matter and how he feels.

I'd would never be so niave as to take something like marriage so lightly that I wouldn't think about the changes one goes through in the course of a relationship and take the time to discover what it's like after the honey moon phase.

So, maybe I'm asking the wrong question here...is it 5 years, 10 years, 20 years...when does one consider marriage? When is one mature enough and settled enough to decide they can become someone's partner in life?

i don't think one year is enough time to really know someone, i dated my husband for 9 almost 10 years before we got married, and i still didn't know him, i wish i knew all the bills he came with, and they talk about woman..... hummm... take your time, you'll know when the time is right... if not then move on....

I ache for you! I know how you feel and how worried you must be. And I don't know the answer. You don't want to feel like you pressured him into marrying you or gave him an ultimatum. But on the other hand, you don't want to invest your everything in someone if he's NEVER going to marry you. It's not really the MARRIAGE thing; it's the COMMITMENT thing. Because YOU feel like you want that specific commitment to meet the goals you have in your mind. And if he isn't thinking along the same lines, then...what? I've heard people say to set a time limit in your mind; like...well, whatever amount of time that you would invest in the relationship without feeling like you're being taken advantage of; and if it hasn't happened by then, say "nice knowing you". But it's kind of not fair if you don't let him in on the timeframe. Only, if you tell him, it's like you're pressuring him. Relationships are SO hard sometimes! And I think sometimes, as women, we feel like they're just afraid, but if they just went along with it, they'd see how great it is and think "why did I wait so long?". My mom went thru that for a long time with her now husband. They lived together for a few years, she wanted to be married, he kept stalling (not for much of any real reason), she finally moved out to another town, and the eventually (to abbreviate the situation) got married. They've been together for a long time now. Sometimes it takes being apart for someone to realize that if they don't jump on it now, it might not be there when THEY'RE ready. I don't advocate playing games, but I think you have to decide how much you're willing to invest in the relationship as it is now. I was with my first husband for 10 yrs (off and on) before we got married, but we always stayed good friends. It's kind of finally like "ok, we're at this point in our lives; so, what's the next step to improve it?". I guess I'm just saying that he might just not be at that point where marriage is the next logical step for him. But I hear ya; I think men and women just have a different outlook on getting married and it's very frustrating.

OH, BTW, we were 26 when we got married and I was NOWHERE nearly mature enough to be married. At least your guy is talking about it .....just be sure that it's not just lipservice; actions speak louder than words most of the time!

I first started dating my hubby at 20 and got married at 27...who says you dont know what love is when your young ;) our love is just as strong if not stronger than when we were younger.

10 years I was with a guy... he gave me the run around ... after 9 years he proposed, 5 months later, we broke up! He used every 'reason' in the book. It was sad really on his part. We both came from broken homes, he has a HUGE fear of committment, and a fear that I'll change after the wedding. I think for you, its been 1 year. Not 3 or 5. I would give it more time and not push the issue. Tell him you want to get married, thats what you want for yourself for your life and then drop it. If it does not happen when you feel like it should then you need to walk. Don't base your life around HIM and HIS timeline. If your timelines don't coinside, hes probably not 'the one'. I was going to walk out on my bf of 9 years cuz he just wouldnt propose, he felt that and proposed like 2 months later but his heart was not into it. He did it cuz he didnt want me to leave. But in the end it was the end. 9 years is definately WAY too long to wait, but 1 year is not. Even 2 or 3 is not IF you feel that hes headed in that direction. I knew my ex was not .... I should have walked WAY sooner!!! :)

I agree so much with this poster. Men are waiting until 30-35 now and if he has come from a broken home I think that makes his thinking even more along these lines. The only thing I might add to the above poster is he may want be sure he can give you everything you deserve although that is the least on your mind. Only you know what's best really and if you feel you are getting the run around then you do need to get out.

Thanks guys, it's good to get a non-emotional look at what's going on here. And I absolutely would NOT want him to marry me because he felt pressured, that's no way to start a marriage...something else that bothers me is on our anniversary HE brought up that he wanted to get engaged by January of 08...okay now he's saying he needs more time...well which is it? If your not sure it's cruel to say things like that. I can understand two people being in two different places in their lives I'm certainly not asking to be come married in only one year...engaged in two and married our 3rd year out..that would be an idea of what I'd like.

I understand how you feel. I lived with my Husband for 10 years before he asked me to get married. Only you know if he is worth waiting for

Very good point.

Since you are at those ages, I agree with you. You have grown into the person you will fundamentally always be. You know enough about yourself to know what you want. He should also pretty much know what he wants. both your maturity levels should be up there so that the life changes to be experienced at this point, can be mutually shared, with each other understanding the other's reactions with that maturity.

So I think this boils down to 3 issues:
1. either he has a real fear factor and cannot conceptualize himself in marriage (at least at this point)
2. he cannot see himself married to you, or
3. he cannot see himself married to anyone at this stage of his life, not having anything to do with you or fear of marriage.

The fact that he will not go to pre-marital counseling at this point in your relationship means he really is not anywhere near marriage thinking.

So maybe the real question is are you willing to wait until he is ready which means you may need to re-assess your need for marriage.

I think that timing is everything. You both are not in the same place yet, in reference to this issue.

(SIGH) I know...I know...I'm really emotional about it cause it's what I want but definitely know that if it's not what he's wanting then a marriage it will not make...ugh

I think it is interesting that he is telling you about the conversation with his co-worker. He needed a way to broach the subject. He is telling you for a reason. Sometimes when a man says what he wants, we women decide to analyze it and decide what he "really meant." I would be very clear what I want and expect. Listen to what he tells you. I don't think we should view time spent in a relationship that didnt end in a marriage as "wasted time." Every relationship teaches you something and the fact that marriage might not be the end result does not diminish it's importance.

:thumbup: :thumbup:

I don't think it's wrong on your part but i can see where he's coming from if all he saw in his family was divorce, etc. You said you've been dating for a year already, how close are you guys? Do you live together? Srry to ask so many questions but im j/a to see because some people go out for a long time but don't really 'know' each other, do you know what i mean? A year is a good amount of time but you still can have a little more time to get to know each other better and you guys will both learn a lot from each other, especially if you are living together. Some ppl like to do a test living together to see how well they can stand each other's habits, etc. For some couples it can be for the better and for some for the worse. I definetly think it's good what you are doing by talking about it to him so that he knows it is something you want, you are being upfront about it and that's good. I just suggest see how things go within the next year, how you guys get along and also seeing a relationship counselor is a good idea.:thumbup:

It seems like he's confused..

I agree with what zoeybear is saying. I would also add that I lived with my husband for 9 years. (I'm ashamed to say!) and if I had it to do over again, I would not have chosen the living together part. It did work out for us in the end, but it doesn't for most. My first bit of advice would be don't move in together. But I would also say, if you've been only dating for a year, that's not all that long a time and I would discuss things with him a little more and see exactly where he is coming from but don't pressure him or yourself. My husband starting asking me to marry him when I had given up and didn't even want to marry him anymore so the more you push the issue, the more he probably will back away.

I agree with everything you said. In my sociology class in the TB it said 50% of couples that live together before getting married get divorced(i think or the number was higher:eek: ) but for some it can work:)

If I were in the position I would understand his feelings and wait. I don't get what the rush is with marriage these days. I see so many young people getting married after not dating very long and it's just sad how it always ends up. If you really love someone, IMO you'll be willing to wait until they're ready also.

I am going to give you the BEST advice ever b/c I have gone through what I'm going to tell you. Please do NOT rush a man into marriage. If/When he is ready, he will ask. I was engaged, and although I didn't "push" him into it, I did bring it up. He wound up not being ready and broke off our engagement. So please, give it time. If he says he's not ready, then he's not.

Now, your other question...read the book He's Just Not That Into You. That will give you lots of hints on whether he's giving you the runaround. And, if within a year or so he's not making the commitment you want, then move on. If it's meant to be, he will come running back to you. Good luck!

I forgot to ask, how old are you?

Don't make excuses for him. That's what we women always do. :rolleyes: It doesn't make anything better. Trust me, read that book! :p

I have been trying to figure out how to broach this post. I was in a similiar situation as you. I think that rushing a man into marriage is a huge mistake. I agree with Baby Fidgette completely. Being together for a year is not really that long. I was with my now husband for a year and a half when we decided to move in together. I had no intention of ever living with a man before marriage, but there were circumstances that came up. I moved over 400 miles to be near him and I made it very clear that it was a sacrifice on my part and that I would not wait around forever.

We always seemed to be on the same page about our relationship and I told him that I would never pressure him, that I would just leave when I felt I had waited too long. I started getting a little antsy about 1 year into living together. I couldn't understand why he was waiting. In my head, I gave it until the following September. If he didn't propose, I was going to be moving back to So cal. He ended up proposing in July. This has been over a year ago and we are now married.

Women tend to want to rush things. I know that I am stubborn and I would have left. Was that the right choice? Probably not. I love my husband dearly and I think he always wanted to marry me. However, I think he wanted to acheive certain things before we got married. I didn't care about those things at the time, but I respect that he waited until he was completely ready.

Now that I am married, I realize that my love and commitment to him is no different then what it was before. We always said that we would get married when we were ready for babies and that is what we did. I feel that waiting really helps you to be sure that this is what each of you wants.

Please do not pressure him. Open up the lines of communication with him and see what he truly thinks of marriage and commitment. He may want to marry you, but he is obviously not ready now. Only you can know if you are the type of person that will wait for him. And only you know if he is worth waiting for. I know my hubby was.;)

I have that book. To the OT, if you want it i can send it to you, let me know:)

Isn't it great? hehehe :D

Thanks to tjdmom for this thread
 

I messed up on my post here anyway I had read the post on another thread and tried to post it here.

Best wishes to you and your fiancee.
Patti and Jack