I'm at my Witz end - need teenager advice
 

Ok, my daughter lauryn is a good kid, except she has this smart, talk back to ya mouth. I swear it goes right thru me. I think its very disrespectful. She only does it to me not her father. Of course, I'm the one who is with her most the time and my hubby and I dont see eye to eye on how to handle it.

He babies her realllllllly bad. he sticks up for her (in front of her, which feed her even more) I don't know how much of this I can take. I feel its starting to effect my marriage cause he backs her up and not me. I've told him how I feel a million times and it never changes. Sometimes I feel like walking out and say ok, you 2 do what you want...(lol) (i'd never walk out on my family, just get ticked off sometimes..lol)

I don't think 14 years old should be able to mouth back to there parents.
I know we didn't do it when I was a kid or we'd be in big trouble and if my dad heard us do it to my mom, we were in bigger trouble.

I feel as though my hubby doesn't have any respect for me either.

please help....any advice

Aww, Denise that would make me mad too! I'm sorry I don't have any advise other than to just keep working on your hubby. It seems like it wont get better until his behavior changes. Hmm, maybe a reward system- everytime he takes your side he gets an, ahem, treat.;) LOL, probably terrible advise but it would probably have an impact. If he wont take your side for the right reasons then maybe he will for another reason.:p

Okay, someone jump in and save Denise from my awful and silly advise!

Unfortunately, I have no advice. What I DO have is sympathy. I am going through the EXACT same thing with my 13 year old (who happens to be named Lauren as well).

What gets me is there is NOTHING that seems to work. Once I threatened to not let her attend a school dance and that seemed to do the trick, but there aren't always school dances to threaten with, you know?

Wow, I have a 13 yr. old Lauren too!

OH Denise I am so sorry and hate to hear this. I am not a mommy as you know but as a daughter I remember being just horrible to my mom and man oh man I apologize to her daily for it still. I was such a rebel and so mean and nasty at times. Only thing I can say to you is my mom never gave up on me (not that I think you ever would) and now we are the BEST of friends. My mom used to just say to herself ..."This too shall pass” and it did.

It does not make what you daughter or hubby is doing right nor does my story help you but honestly if I could help you understand how horrible I was as a teenager and now to look at my mom and I it may give you hope.

Sending you BIG hugs girl - love ya and hang in there!! :)

Is your Lauren a sassy pants too? lol

I feel your pain, My daughter is 12 and she really is a good kid with the exception of her talking back at times and her attitude. I would tell her over and over to stop. My hubby gets just as angry as I do, so we both talk to her nothing worked. with my daughter it isnt so much that she talks back but her facial expressions. I tell her to wash dishes...she doesnt complain but she puts a face and stomps to do it....not cool! so i can tell u what i have done that worked for us...I gave her what she gives me. If I tell her to do something or ask her to help and she gives me attitude, for the whole day I treat her the same way. when she says mom...can I go online? I give her the same bad look and say NO. then i asked her how did she like it when I was nasty with her and she would tell me she felt bad, and now it has gotten soooooooo much better! she will notice that it doesnt feel good when someone gives you attitude for no reason. 12-15 is a really hard age for all of us...parents and kids. they are going through so many changes and we have to realize that. I dont think its right for them to act this way but I try to remember when I was a teenager and how I was. except my mom was alot harder than me.

I can really sympathize with you and whoever finds the answer will be rich and famous. My 10 year old granddaughter lives with us (with her mother and little sister) and she already has a smart mouth, attitude, look....all of it. And there is not father to side with her, but a very doting grandfather:mad:

lol must be something in the name.

I do everything for her. I mean she is 14 has a pink lap top, a orange NV phone, wear mostly only Abercrombie/ Hollister the child has the best of the best for a teenager.

I do and take her and her friends everywhere. Maybe I do too much. Maybe that's the problem. I just didnt have all that fancy stuff as a kid and alot of kids did, so I think we try to make up for it and give our kids toooo much.

I've taken the phone away, the computer away, weekends w/ friends away, spanked her butt (lol yes even that) everything.

Its hard when she just runs to daddy.

and i would reward my hubby when he is on my side, but I could care less to look at him right now, let alone anything else...hahahahaha

Maybe I should take a week and just stop doing my normal stuff for them and let them see all I do? Heck I don't know. lol

oh yes!!! the good old facial expressions then when you get on to them, they says, I didnt do anything. grrrr

her only duties is to keep her room clean and empty the dish washer after i load it....THAT IS IT. and guess what... I have to remind her to clean her room and to empty the dish washer...

grrrrrr sorry i'm just venting!!!! i knew you guys would listen. ahahahah

Denise...I think you could use a weekend away -- hee, hee....like at the spa, OH or better yet come to see Me, Murphy and Mia - we will welcome you and Miss Maddie with open arms and paws!! :p :p :p

I don't have much advice on how to deal with you DH. What about family councling? Where you could sit down with someone else and make a parenting plan.

My Dh and I don't always see eye to eye on things with the kids...I am the strick one and he is the easy going one.

A parent should never take a childs side in front of the child!! This is for behind closed doors. Even if you have to drag your DH into a bedroom or bathroom to talk privately. You have to be a united front, even if you don't agree at the moment.

As far as dealing with your DD's talking back. It is a normal stage, but that doesn't make it right. If my DD talks with disrespect, the first time she gets a warning. The second time, she looses priviledges for the rest of the day. If it happens a third time in one day, she has to go to her room until the next morning. There have been times where she has gone weeks without TV, computer, cell phone, ipod, etc.

** Remember this too will pass...just like all the other stages!!

What gets me is when I see her around her friends mothers and hear her talk to them. She turns into the sweetest, most polite child in the world. Everything out of her mouth is, "Yes ma'am" "No ma'am" "Thank you" etc. and I'm left standing there looking at her like "Who ARE you?" :rolleyes:

My one and only daughter will be 20 in Jan. Boy do I remember those days!!!
However my hubby was on my side so it was a little better. Yours needs to get with the program asap.
You have to remember their hormones are going crazy, and they are not used to it either. Are you finding a pattern with her time of month??
Britney did get in trouble i.e. no phone, comp, friends, etc. Stay firm and consistant. I promise it will pass. Just don't let her get away with too much, and she'll return to your good girl again.
And then there will be the issues with boys......................................
ugh!!

I have 2 sons 16 and 10 they are different but we still have our problems.
Keep tough and pray!!

I don't have kids but I studied child psychology and read a lot of books. The best way to handle this type of behavior is taking priviledges away. Take cell phone, tv time, no hanging out with friends, no computer priviledges for a long time if not for good. Maybe make her do chores instead of going out. Stop taking her shopping, no more spending. That makes a bigger difference than yelling, or fighting with her about it. Everytime she gives you attitude or talks back, take something from her. You literally take it, so your husband can't give it back.:rolleyes:

oh my I sure cannot relate as Myka was such a good kid I could have 10 more . . . but that's another story.

However I am the disciplinarian and whateve I say hubby just has to abide by it . . if he disagrees he sure never says anything. You both need to be on the same side, at least when she is around as it is important that she has no one to turn to . . .with what is going on she knows Daddy will support her so it becomes so very hard on your part. If you and hubby are insinc, that solves most of the problem.

I say ground her every time she is disrespectful and emphasis what you think is disrespectful so she knows to think twice to do it again for fear of being grounded . . . and when you ground her, take out what is most precious for her :) Trust me she will not hate you forever . . . especially since you say she is a good kid . . she probably just knows how to handle you more than you her :)

Wishing you all the best . . .

I do know its a phase. maybe I'm more mad at hubby than her. lol

I try and remember that, I mean I did the same thing to, but heck, I guess what goes around comes around.

I do need a break....lol

the beach and a margrita would be nice. lol

oh can can you fast forward thru these years? Just wondering. lol

But then at the same time, the thought of her growing up and moving out of the house just kills me. lol

Ohhh I know what ya mean Denise! I would NOT allow her to talk back at you, you are right, it's very disrespectful and if you allow her to talk this way, it's only hurting her in the long run!

I know your kids have a very good life, you would give them the moon if you could! But there comes a time when you have to stop giving, specially if you are not get respected as her mother. She knows how much she can get away with cause she is being aloud to get away with it.

I find what works for Branda is if I take her favorite thing away from her, and that is her BOYFRIEND! I have grounded her for 2 weeks before and she was not aloud to see him for 2 weeks and it about killed her! No phone, no computer, no boy friend!

Dan has to step up and be the father, he can't allow her talk back, he is only going to create a teenager who is going to get in a lot of trouble when she gets older.

Sounds like it's more of a hubby issue than a daughter issue. I would flat out tell him, if he's going to undermine you, then he can raise her. And as hard as it would be for you, stop doing housework, stop cooking, stop taking the kids to their activities and let him do it. I bet that will fix it up nicely ;)

yes, i agree, i've even told him before...if you don't agree take me aside and tell me, not in front of her.

He's a great dad, just don't disapline worth crap. He always wants to be Mr. nice guy... heck wish he was that way with me.

yes, i know what you mean, when i take the computer and cell away it kills her. i was actually thinking about taking free texting unlimited texting off her phone until she can show me respect. i mean what's with kids these day, she hardly talks on the phone....its all about texting. she had 1645 text last month.

I think your bigger problem might be your hubby's reaction. Perhaps 1-3 sessions with a counselor would help. Have you asked him why he is undermining you? And why he chooses to do it in front of her?

His behavior is propping her up, and she is probably eating up the attn on some level.

For you, stay consistent with her. Sometimes Less Is More - let her go without for awhile - whether that's curbing your spending for her, or taking away her belongings. Also, make time to spend one-on-one time with her - make sure she knows who you are. Take opportunities to build her respect for who you are as a parent, a woman.

My daughter seldom had problems with this - but it was just the 2 of us - now off in college she is trying to assert her independence & is sometimes short with me. They have to go thru some of this - testing, and rebelling a bit, I believe to grow into adults - we don't want them to be wimps either. The one thing I found that worked when my daughter misbehaved was to write out Bible verses that lent themselves to her behavior - the Bible has a lot to say about the mouth & respect for elders and parents!! I would have her write the verses out, then write out in her own words what they mean. Then we would discuss what she wrote & pray together.

Also, I highly recommend prayer. Turn this over to God. If you've never read Stormie Omartin's book "The Power of a Praying Parent" I highly recommend getting a copy of this.

You do want to nip this in the bud - because this is one behavior that really tends to grow for years - maturity is the only next best answer.

You need to have a come to you know who talk with DH. You guys HAVE TO be on the same page. Wish I had some better advice but I have the same issue with my kids right now and I think I'm headed for a breakdown. They say I read the tone into it and they are not saying things with tone or attitude. :mad: That it's all me..

My 18 year old is the issue now. I'd just like to knock her butt through a wall sometimes.

Good advice. I can't stand for my house to be out of order at all, so that will be hard, but i think i'll do that. I'll go home tonight and be whats for supper, but i don't really want that, can you cook something else. hahahaha

Why is it we are good enough to have 9 months of pure heck to have them, but not good enough to know whats best for them.

lol you are right. the more i'm typing, the more i realize its a problem between me and him more than anything. if he had respect for me like back in the olden days, this would not be happening

I want little house on the prairie with a target instead of the Olsen general store. lol

Honestly, just say you know what, I'm not getting respected by anyone around here, so just run the household on your own. Clean, cook, do the laundry and drive the kids around since you don't agree with the way I run things. Try to hold out as long as you can to make him cave. I know it will be hard but just try it.

I have done the writing down of verses and made her look them up and tell me what they said, etc. She does this and feels guilty for a while and them its back to the same thing. She even went as far as last time to leave me a note on my bed saying she want's to be baptisted feeling this would help her in a closer walk with God, etc. (which I agree)

I've never read that book, but will go to the book store and get it.

you are right, turn it over to God.....Why is that so hard for us to do sometimes.

Great advice!

Branda does not have a cell phone just for that reason you mentioned above! She is working now and I feel if she wants one, then she can go out and buy it and pay for the up keep.

If you hand your kids a silver platter, there going to expect the silver on top of it. I feel we have to draw the line somewhere.

My parents did not buy me my 1st car, they told me that if they did, and I was in a accident, then they would feel guilty, mom always said if I buy you a car, then I mise well buy the grave plot. I will not buy my kids a car, they have to earn it, if they pay for it, then it means more to them, if we just hand it to them, they could careless, they feel, hey, if this breaks, mom will just buy us a new one!

My brother has a 4 year old daughter and this kid have EVERYTHING! and I'm not exaggerating! You walk into her room and her walls are wall to wall with toys, her closet is jammed packed with toys. Every time they go somewhere she gets a new toy. What are they teaching her?

One of my friends does that. She and her husband have 5 kids and she does a lot of the house work, running around AND she works full time but she's extremely organized. Occasionally she will go on strike when he's being an a$$ and he realizes the error of his ways when he runs out of clean underwear :p

very true Missy.... I think I've raised a spoiled bratt.

LOL bring her to me for a weekend, I straighten out LOL :p

When my three went through the "Sassy Stage" I really truly had "fun" with them.

I put cut a "coin slot" in the lid of a mason jar and put a label on the jar that said -- "Is It Worth the Price?"

For each "offense" there was a price attached. The kids were required to drop the coins in the jar and then on Sunday, they emptied the jar in the collection plate.

We "gave" a lot extra for a long time. :D

We were mean parents and my kids were so deprived.... we had ONLY one telephone for a family of five -- and for years their dad tied up the phone most of the with his business. They did not have a TV in their rooms - in fact for many years we didn't even have a TV, cell phone????? you've got to be kidding :).

We did have a couple of computers that were available to them, but they were all in "public" areas of the house and they scheduled their computer time.