Terrified of leaving my girls with a pet sitter
 

I have a major problem in my life. I am so torn between my elderly father (90 yo) with some dementia who wants to travel "before I die" he says (I am his caregiver, although he doesn't think he needs one) and leaving the two loves of my life, my babies Muffin and Cassie with a Pet Sitter. My father absolutely refuses to take them with us and refuses to travel with them. I am at a loss about finding a Pet Sitter that I can feel safe in leaving them with. I don't know anyone and I have no family who could do this for me. The history goes like this. Two years ago I went back east for my mothers funeral (and to be with family), for 12 days and I left my two girls with my local vet who seemed very caring and conscientious. When I came home, one of my girls, Muffin, the younger one who was only 1 1/2 Years Old was dying of heavy metal poisoning from a combination of rabies and another shot given to her at the Vets the night I came home to pick them up. This is a whole other story, but Muffin survived because of a miraculous holistic Vet I found that saved her life. Now two years later, I find that my smaller little one has AAI and it is inoperable. She is only two pounds and both of them need special attention and caring. I know I could travel with them okay, and I trust I would be able to care for them perfectly , but my dad, who says he's "trapped" here and will die here without ever going anywhere else again- is refusing to travel with the girls. He just wants to have a good time and doesn't' want to worry about them, although he says he loves them. I am worried sick about finding a sitter who will take excellent care of my two babies, especially after what happened with Muffin. Now with Cassie's AAI diagnosis (and she is only 2.5 lbs) and her needing especially gentle careful handling and attention, well I am just overwhelmed and I don't know what to do. My dad lives with me, and I don't want him to feel "trapped". But my girls are everything to me and their safety is paramount to everything. I am so upset and torn. What do I do? How do I find a pet sitter I can feel safe with? Is my dad being unreasonable? Am I, by wanting to take them with me? I would be grateful for any advice given.
TIA
Shellie :-)
PS Sorry for such a long post

I'm sorry you are going thru this it's a tough situation and decision that you have to make. How are you all going to travel? I would try and compromise with your father. Or let him know how you really feel tell him that you don't want him to feel trapped but at the same time you don't feel right leaving your girls with just any one or maybe an ultimatum or something I know it's easier said then done... Good luck with your father :(

Wow, that is an awful situation. I know you love your father and want him to be happy, but of course you need your babies to be safe, too. Especially after that bad experience, I totally understand not wanting to leave them with anyone. Does that holistic vet you mention do boarding or have any recommendations? In what way does your father think taking them with will hamper his good time? Could you possibly compromise with him some way? Is there any other family member who could take your dad on his vacation?

Thanks for replying yorkielover916. We would travel by air as we are going from west coast to east coast. I have told him repeatedly that I would never leave the girls again. He doesn't accept this and insists that I find a sitter for them so we can go to Florida, New York, on Cruises, etc. I guess he feels as if this is his last hurrah, being as elderly as he is and he wants to party. I do have to tell you that this man has traveled extensively throughout Europe when he and my mom were younger and my sister and I were kids. They put us in camp so that they could travel, as his boss paid for all his vacations. So it's not like he never traveled before. Since my mothers death he has been bored I think and wanting to relive his past. He comes on to women, pines away that he is not as handsome as he was and longs to be a world traveler. I think part of his inappropriate behavior is due to the dementia, but I just think he wants what he wants and doesn't worry that much about the girls. I think its more important to him to have what he wants, than for them to be truly save. Maybe I shouldn't say that, after all he is 90 years old and wants to enjoy his later years. I feel like I am being torn in half. :-(

Thanks for responding. I am definitely going to ask my wholistic vet if she has anyone she totally and completely trusts who would watch them. I do this with a hole in my heart. But she is brilliant and loving, and if there is someone whom she feels confident enough in to recommend, then i would be willing to bite the bullet and try to do this for him. It would be so very hard, but I would try to do this for him, as I am his only child, as my younger sister died 7 years ago and now with my mom gone, I'm really the only nuclear family he has left. As to what way he thinks they will hamper his good time, he is very vague about this. He says they are fragile and need a lot of care and we would have to consider them wherever and whenever we went somewhere and some places don't accept dogs, and they might get sick or need care which might all be true more or less, to some extent. He just doesn't want to have to accommodate for them on his good time. He wants to do what he wants to do without having to worry about their safety, their health, or their good or bad experiences. Having dogs with you does limit you in some way, this is true, and he doesn't want to be limited or have to worry about them...Cassie and Muffin are my babies, not his. So although he says he loves animals and feels compassion for them, when it gets right down to the nitty gritty, he really doesn't want to be put out. For me, having them with me at all times, especially on vacation, is a joy. I want to go everywhere with them together, rather than leave them at home and worry about them back home. But not everyone is like me, and he's obviously not at all like this. There is no family who could go with him on his vacations. My children are all far away and have busy lives. Other family are about the same, far away with busy lives. We have a very very small family to begin with, so there really is no one else to ask. I simply don't know what to do.

What a dilemma you have here...and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it :(

I'm in a similar position, but different if that makes sense. I am the care-giver to my parents who are in their mid-80's. They are both still alive though. Also, I only have one Littlie - Harry who is quite a big boy.

However, when THEY want to go away, and I have to take them wherever, they too want it to be 'just the 3 of us' with no restriction. They want to be able to sit in restaurants without thought or rush, and go to the 'best hotels' without worrying if Harry's making a racket in the room - which he does....

Andy (my husband) works really long hours, my sister has cats that HATE Harry....all the reasons go on and on, and they ARE reasons, not excuses. My parents both absolutely ADORE Harry, but - just for those few weeks in the year - they want to do exactly what they want to do without thought or worry.

I truly feel that your holistic vet is the best solution to your problem. That and recommendations from her. I personally put ads in our local paper and in our vet's office. I interviewed absolutely loads of people, took up references IN PERSON, went to their homes, made them come to our home, surveyed for a long time how Harry and 'the person' interacted....until I was totally happy and secure in my heart.

I then chose 2 people, so that they could cover for one another, if need be. I then took Harry to each one and left him just for a day the first time (9-5). Then I did an over-nighter. Gradually building up the time (both for Harry and myself!) :) I must admit, it works like a dream, and Harry absolutely ADORES Lisa (his main lady).

I do know how awful this is for you, and I truly hope you can sort something out that suits ALL of you. Good luck. Sally + Harry x

Thank you soooo much for this. I hope so too. :-)

I think he is being unreasonable.
You have been kind enough to be his caretaker. Daughter or not, you do not have to do this. He has already travelled a ton. It seems he just wants to do what he wants to do which is probably from the dementia. You don't have to be ordered around because of this. If uou drop your life for a week at a time and fly him all over the place, you DO have a major say in how it is going to go. You don't have to take him at all...

So if you really want to take him, lay ground rules. "The dogs are going or I am not". And don't feel bad about putting the pups first. You really aren't anyway. You have already made major sacrifices for him. Or if he has money to be taking cruises then you could give him the option of hiring a caregiver to take him.

But of course only take the AAI girl if you thinkit is safe...

:thumbup::thumbup::thumbup:

The truth is there is not any easy answer. I wonder if you could do some combo... Like take some trips with the dogs, some without, and maybe get a caregiver to go with him on some?

Of course you will need a sitter, I agree talk to the vet you like. Maybe you could find a yt member if one of use live at a destination ...for example what port would you cruise out of? I live in Miami maybe I could watch a week...of course I would have to know what I need to do to care for the least one.

Well...I hope I have helped

Thanks Crystal,
I feel so guilty thinking the above things about my own dad! But he really doesn't seem to appreciate the fact that I am his caregiver, and actually, he wants to go alone if I can't go. He doesn't think he NEEDS a caregiver. He inappropriately comes on to females, (pretty females) and flirts right in front of me. I know he thinks that it is harmless, but all I can think of is my poor mom who was so devoted to him. I know he wants to be young again, who doesn't, but he doesn't seem to accept reality. I keep toying with the idea of just letting him go and do whatever he wants to do alone by himself, but I really do think that would be irresponsible of me. I'm very conflicted! He was tested by the VA's premier Geriatric unit in La Jolla, CA. and they do say he has vascular dementia. Sometimes it is more pronounced than others. I am just so very confused. He was tested 3 years ago, as per my mom's dying wish, "please get your dad tested" she asked me before she passed. She knew there was something wrong with him for a long time. She was afraid of alzheimers. He doesn't have alzheimers, but he does have some kind of dementia, which only gets worse in time, not better. There are times when he is clear, and there are times when he is confused. I don't want him to feel "trapped" living with me....I just don't know what to do. I will talk to my wholistic vet and see what she comes up with.

Thanks,
Shellie

Thank you so much for your response. You are so very kind. My dad, though, he is absolutely unmovable about not ever taking the dogs on vacations. He's very stubborn. And he absolutely would never accept a caregiver, he really doesn't think he needs one. As a matter of fact, he even suggested I leave the dogs alone with him while I go on vacation, and then he would want to go alone himself and I stay with the dogs. He is very unrealistic. When I get sick at home, he can't even take the dogs food out and measure the correct amount and put it in their bowels for them. He's seen me do it a thousand times in ten years, over and over, and yet he doesn't know how to do this and asks that I premeasure the raw Halshiens chicken synergy and put it in their bowls when I am very ill. So I end up doing it myself anyway because its more trouble trying to teach him how to do it than doing it myself. All he wants to do is put the bowls down on the floor. And each of the dogs gets a different amount, Cassie gets an ounce and a half and Muffin gets one ounce. The difference is important, and I would have to label each bowl so he would know which is which, and I am concerned that he would STILL get them mixed up. His judgement is very very poor, and has very poor problem solving abilities, comprehension and memory. He also has poor deductive reasoning. All in all, he is not a dependable or reliable person and is very much in denial about what he can handle. But he still fights me on everything I say, on a continuous basis. He doesnt' accept anything I tell him, even though 99% of the time I am always right about the issues he fights me on. Oh I am so sorry for going on and on, it is so hard and frustrating. And I do want him to be happy. After all, he is the only dad I have, and the only family I have left, other than my children who are far away and involved in their own busy lives. I just want my babies to be safe. Thats all. Thanks for listening.

Such a lovely suggestion....what a sweet lady you are :) Sally x

Your father is 90 years old. He has lived his life his way for many years. Yes, now he is limited in how much he can do but that is not your fault. He had many good years to do and see the things he wanted to. I think it is wrong for him to put guilt on you for what his life is now. It sounds like you are a very committed daughter who is doing your best to make him happy.

You are not the child anymore. Sometimes it is difficult to change the role you play in someone's life but you are now living your adult life. It is wonderful of you to feel responsible for your father but quite honestly it sounds like he is still trying to play the father role when you are not the child anymore. He will always be your father but you do not have to be the obedient child. Please do what is best for your comfort and your dog's and don't feel guilty. You are being more than kind and respectful to your dad but he needs to show you the same respect by not pressuring you to go against what you feel comfortable with. The dogs are important to you and as such he shouild respect your feelings. I have a feeling that has not been the case up to now.

If you don't want to leave them...I wouldn't. Then its HIS decision whether he REALLY wants to go that bad or not. If something were to happen to your dogs if you left them with a sitter.....then YOU would be left with two really bad and negative feelings. Guilt and resentment. Its really HIS problem if he can't share his last few trips in this world with a couple of sweet dogs. You never told him you wouldn't go with him. The ball is in hus court. I wouldn't want to leave dogs that little either.

Hugs.....this is tough one at best. You have gotten good advise from everyone, check with your vet or a rescue foster mom in your area. Good luck and safe travels.

You have been given good advise here, and yes the role has changed for you, you are the parent careing for your parent, and it is a hard role to step into. At 90yrs old is he really capable of traveleing? As for the behaviour, is there a possiblty that it is part of the damentia coming out?
My mom has damentia, and i know that when she is sick or having a bad day there is a side of her that shows up that is very sexually explecit and is definatley not my mom. I hate this disease and what it does to our parents, kind of like a slow death.
I wish you good luck with whatever you decide to do, it's not an easy decision to tell our parents they can't do something even though we know it is for their own saftey.

I work with seniors that have AD (alzheimers disease) and dementia. Often what they want to do is not safe, not realistic because of health or physical ability, not something they can afford etc. Your first duty is to protect and keep him safe. I know this is sad and may seem underhanded, but you can give your Dad the option to travel with a paid companion or stay home. Explain his doctor will not allow him to travel alone. It will be very expensive for him to travel with a 24 hour companion and will take time to arrange.

My father has a pacemaker, and has had prostate cancer for years, he has had skin cancer, kidney cancer, has diabetes, HBP, and kidney insufficiency with only one kidney.
With all this he is very strong and mobile. He does not look his age and has lost alot of weight in the past few years. He's in good shape for his age and I do not think his doctors would forbid him to travel. He is very capable of picking up the phone and making his own travel arrangements. He knows how to get people to help him. He talked the dmv into letting continue to take the driving test after failing seven times, and they only stopped letting him take it because I wrote them secretly begging them to let well enough alone and keep him off the road because he is an accident waiting to happen. At this point in time he is continuing to badger the dmv and will not accept their decision. His driving is everything to him. What I am trying to say is, if I say no, he is quite capable of making his own plans, however unsafe, without me. And there are a number of my mothers women friends back east that would welcome him into their arms, and travel with him. He has been calling them and telling them how much he loves them. He even came on to my mom's sister a week after she died. He is a tough one, very difficult. Yes, it is very good advice I have been given and I am very grateful for it.

:thumbup::thumbup:
THANK YOU ELLIE MAY!!! I am sorry but this is exactly what I was thinking! If I were you, I would do anything else that he asks or wants, and you are the designated care giver, so it falls right on your shoulders....you do not ever have to look back and say, "I should not have said that", or "I shouldnt have done that"....but I would make ONE unnegotiable rule....I do NOT leave my dogs when we go....I would NOT enjoy myself on these vacations without them, for worrying they were not being cared for properly, so if they dont go, I dont go. PERIOD! I do not think that is being unreasonable at all. It could be considered rather selfish for him to demand you go on these trips, and leave what is most important to you, your babies. PERHAPS YOU COULD HIRE A NANNY TO ACCOMPANY HIM ON HIS ADVENTURE!

Oh boy, this is a tough one. Do you have power of attorney? That would give you a say in what he can and cant do.
The doctors wont tell him he cant travel? Why not? From what I'm reading here it isn't safe for him to travel alone...who knows what he will get himself into.
Seems you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.
So he thinks he can do it all himself...thats the dementia talking...clearly he cant, it just isn't safe.
Sorry hunny, but he is being unreasonable...anything can happen to him out there on his own. Does he not realize ppl prey on the elderly...he WILL get taken advantage of if there is no one to look out for him.
You are going to have to take a firm hand and tell him NO. Easier said than done I know.
Maybe talk to the holistic vet and see what she recommends...I wouldn't want to leave my babies with anyone either. If my babies cant come with me, I dont go. Sorry I cant be of more assistance.
Good luck with whatever you decide.
I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.
Bless you for stepping up and taking care of your father.

:thumbup::thumbup: Thank you!!

We have someone with dementia in the family. Also lived with my gpa fot many years bc my mom was there to help him out. Oh my the attitudes and with dementia, the tantrums...

i'm not sure how it works in your state, but my assumption is those with dementia have a guardian there. He is probably extremely intelligent and able to make sound decisions a lot of the time, but obviously not all the time. So if he had a guardian this would be taken out of his hands. I do understand this is really difficult. I do think if it is to the point where he is controlling and/or manipulating you and/or making unwise choices that you can't reSonably control and/or you are so exhausted from it all it ay be time to look at other living arrangements for him.

Honestly, this is how I feel - if my parents cannot accept that my dog goes on vacay with me, hen I am not going to go if I do not want to.

In this state of mental health, it would be unsafe for him to run around making his own decisions. Somebody has to have control of him.

Does your father want to travel abroad, because if he does, your Yorkies might have to go into quarantine before they are allowed to enter the country. Plus, if you travel in the states, would you leave them in the hotel room while you are out exploring and dining? The thought of doing that has always scared me, because you can't be sure they will be safe from someone on the hotel staff taking them.

Your dad needs a travel companion, someone who can rein him in if/when he needs it. I don't know how you go about finding one. The best solution would be to find someone to live in your home with your dogs, to give them his/her full attention, 24/7, while you're gone. It would cost a small fortune, I'm sure, but it would be worth the peace of mind.

You're in a tough situation. Maybe one of your mother's friends could go with him, someone who is a widow or widower, who would like an all-expense paid trip with your dad (that he pays for), providing they are someone who can stand up to him if he gets carried away.

BTW, does he have any living brothers or sisters?

Oh my gosh I feel so badly for your situation:( I'd hold firm on leaving your babies, though, especially your little AAI girl.

It might be time to get a power of attorney for his finances, too. If he's schmoozing up women, one of them could scam him out of all of his money:eek: There are SO MANY bad bad women out there just looking for an opportunity to fleece an old gentleman.

Perhaps there are YT'ers in your area that would be willing to dogsit. You'd at least know that your babies would be in good hands.
Hugs to you!!!

Hi MSYorktown,

Yes, I do have POA, but there is no real support for this in California without his doctors cooperation and the courts. His doctors have supported him totally even with his terrible driving, very unwilling to write the DMV to tell them he must not drive. He has them snowballed. He charms the pants off of them and calls them darling and tells them how wonderful they are. They love him. He is smart enough to know there is something wrong with him, but unrealistic enough to accept it. So he elicits the help of professionals by shmoozing them. He can be very eloquent, and the care providers do not want to alienate a patient. They have not cooperated with me at all, because when he presents to them he is up on his game. Anyone can seem together if its only for about 10 to 15 minutes. You'd think his doctors would know that, but they don't. Instead they are suspicious of the children of elderly folks thinking they want to control them. I would encourage him to change doctors, but he has the top doctors at Scripps Clinic in La Jolla and there are no better doctors anywhere. He is very lucky to have them because they have saved his life more than once. Some of them are quite famous. So changing doctors is not an option as I want him to have the best. As I've said before, I have the responsibility without any power at all. Legally, he can do anything he wants. He is with it enough so that if I took him to court for incompetence, no judge would ever take his rights away from him. He's not sick enough for that to happen according to the law. So he can go anytime he wants. Maybe I should just let him go and move back east with one of the women who are clammering for a husband from any friend or neighbor who has recently died. He is longing for a romantic relationship and does not realize that these women want to be taken care of in every way including financially. There is one woman who writes him letters telling him she is madly in love with him, that he is a god, and that she wants a chance to prove her love to him. It's very crazy. But maybe I should just let him go if he wants to and hope they will be able to care for him as well as I have and that the doctors there will be as good as here. If that happens, with fares and the girls and my health, I might not ever see my father alive again.

As for talking with my wholistic Vet, I definitely plan on doing that ASAP. Thank you for all your suggestions thoughts and positive energy. This is a tough and complicated situation. If I had the legal support of the state, and the support of his doctors, I would be in a much better position. But I do not.
So it is a very difficult matter. Sorry for the long post. :-(

Thanks, Shellie

Thank you so much!!!. Many women would like to be taken care of by him, financially and whatever other way they think he can care for them. He's a braggart, and feeds them lots of baloney. And yes, he is and can be a charmer. He's good with words. Yes, you are right, there are a number of woman who he befriended, some of them much much younger women, like the hygienist at his dentist, that tell him all their troubles and tell him how much in debt they are and what a jerk their ex husband is. Does this seem appropriate to you? A dental hygienist confiding personal information like that to a man 90 years old? I mean, am I crazy, or what? He says she is just a friend, but before he lost his cell phone, he used to talk to her outside in the garage, hiding away from me. It's all too crazy. The other day he was walking across the living room and some BM fell out of his shorts onto the floor. He wasn't even aware of it. It happened only once, but i wonder if this is the beginning of incontinence. There is so much to worry about.

I do have POA for his finances, but he is not considered incompetent by the law. They do not see him as I do. They do not see him being incontinent and they would say that has nothing to do with his competence any way. I have to have support from the community, unless he is willing to give me control of his finances, which he is not. So as someone said before, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

He has no living siblings. Many of my mothers friends are just dying to go with him. They want to convince him to be their husband or partner and live with them back east. They want a man. They would be doing it for themselves and not for him. When I spoke to one of my mothers friends she interrogated me as to whether or not he is seeing anyone or has a girlfriend, and does he really like her. Several times that I spoke with her I have told her over and over again that the man has dementia. She yes's me to death, but refuses to believe me, calls him constantly, and lets my father sweet talk her into thinking he is in love with her. Then she writes him letters about letting her prove her love to him. She refuses to accept that he has dementia although she says she understands when I talk to her, and then goes on undaunted pursing an affair with my father. It's nuts. Do these women sound like good people to leave him with????

Traveling with the girls is totally unacceptable to him at any cost, and he would never ever consider Europe if the girls were with us. Also, if they were with us in the states I would never leave them alone in a hotel room. I don't know anyone enough to trust them in my house alone, much less with my two precious girls. I would have to be very very sure of these people and get to know them quite well before I would ever consider an arrangement like this. But I am open to finding someone. But where?????