I think parenting styles are very personal and each person has their own idea of what is right and wrong. Before having my children, it never crossed my mind that I would raise my kids any different than how I was by my parents. It wasn't until I had my own babies that I knew I wanted to do things my own way. I never quite understood just how huge of a responsibility it is to nurture this little baby into becoming a wonderful human being. I just thought that hey, I turned out just fine and I was spanked or at least had the threat of it. I have 2 incredible children (ages 6 and 7) and we do not have to spank them.....they didn't even do "time-out" when they were toddlers. Don't get me wrong, I believe in being firm and I strongly believe in teaching my children that we live life knowing that there are consequences to our actions. Do they fully get this concept.....no. But they do to a certain degree and it's all about learning this as they grow and I can't do this if I cloud their minds with the fear of being hit (and I do, personally, refer to spanking as hitting). I may parent differently because one of my BIGGEST fears is that my children might someday question my love. I am tearing up at the very thought. As they have gotten older, they tend to argue with each other often so they have been doing some "time-outs" in their bedrooms. I have to tell you, I sometimes go to my bedroom and cry because I feel so guilty for using an angry tone with them. I know some will think that this is nuts and extreme on my part, but I cannot help it. I want them to ALWAYS feel my love. I am not saying that a parent that spanks doesn't want the same because I know this is just not the case. For me and my children, hitting is not necessary. I am a complete sap when it comes to my babies and, like I said, it is very important that they always feel my love. We can be driving down the highway and I will just tell them how incredible they are and how much I love them (out-of-the-blue). I do this because I have had such dear, special people in my life unexpectedly die and we just never know what life holds for us. If something were to ever happen to me, I do not want to leave this world without them knowing just how cherished they are. I cannot bring myself to lift my hand to hurt my children.

On the other side of this issue.....I do have friends that believed in spanking and I know that their children turned out great and they have wonderful relationships with them.

I have always admired and respected you, Tammy, and your post brought me to tears. Your children are very lucky to have you as their mom, and I know you are equally as lucky to have such special children. You treat your children as I was always treated by my mom, and that love has sustained me and given me my own moral foundation, even though she passed away just before my twentieth birthday. If I had my own children, I think I'd be similar to you, and it's also the way I try to treat my high school "kids" at work. It's not a strategy of mine, but it's just the bond that forms between us. There are consequences for their behavior, but they know that no matter how they might try to push me away if they have problems, I'm always going to be there for them and also that I love them. It makes such a huge difference, not only in our relationships, my ability to teach them, and also in their self-esteems. You can get so much further when opening up your heart and showing people love and understanding, and that goes for children, as well.

Not that spanking doesnt work for other parents, it just isnt for me!

I'm just proud that both my daughters graduated high school without a baby or getting pregnant. Major accomplishment nowadays! We are an open family, both my girls came to me and told when they were thinking they might have met "the right one" and we discussed things like adults concerning options, why they felt that way, etc. I didnt want them to have sex, but knew that they would anyway if they were set on it, so we made sure they were protected and responsible.

I have a 20 month old grandson, but he's my son in laws from a previous relationship.
My 15 yr old might not have a pecker if he even thinks about getting a girl pregnant!! But we've had the responsible talk with him as well.

By the way, none of my kids want to spank their children. They are like me in so many ways.

I just about spit my water out laughing at that comment!!

Love it!!

:thumbup: what she said...

I don't understand why this thread is going back to the negativity? I think we've seen on this thread "entitlement" has spread into many areas - including saying things to ppl we know are "over the line" but do not care because it "felt good". I hope this thread does not descend again into what it became.

I see here on YT what some wish for those that abuse animals and such. Pretty nasty sometimes. Did you ever think that that person might have done differently had they received a better upbringing? Though some of those folks may have been abused as a child, many likely had no discipline or guidance. Too little discipline can have the same effect as too much, IMO. I believe it's reflected in our society today, too. Not spanking is a recent phenomena in our society and so is the breakdown of respect, lack of a work ethic among many and general moral relativism. Hmm...might there be a connection?

OK, that's my thoughts. I respect others opinions, but I'd like to have mine respected, too.[/QUOTE]



I agree with you that there is a connection between no spanking and a lack of respect for authority.

I have asked a couple of my 6 how they personally felt about being spanked. MY 18yr old said "that he felt that he had never been beat and that looking back he appreciated the fact that I always explained the "cause and effect" of discipline because if you dont learn it under your parents roof you may end up learning it behind bars. It helps him color within the lines of our society and stay out of trouble." He also stated that " he has met people his age that he little respect for their family or parents and they dont stay friends very long". I got pretty much the same answer from the other two that I spoke to.
It us unfortunate that our society sees the word and action of a spanking as the same as a beating. I can tell you from personal experience that they are not the same (I was the kid). Above all else and no matter what form of discipline you use,, NEVER discipline out of anger. This is the hardest part of parenting. I have gone to my room or the backyard to cool off and decide what proper discipline is to be used. When I have wanted to yell or discipline out of anger I try to remember two things. First my mother in law taught me "the more upset you get the softer you talk,it helps you stay in control and not harm",great advice from an older lady. The other would be my older brother commenting to me when my mother would snap "she is letting her brains hang out" and he would laugh. So with that visual I would always try to take a deeeep breath before speaking and check the volume of my voice.

No Im not a perfect mother and no my children arent perfect either,but I saw so much ugly as a child that I didnt want to revisit it in any form. As a child I told myself "what does not kill you can make you stronger" and "I can choose to do better".

Don't agree whatsoever on "no spanking = lack of respect for authority". You can discipline without physically abusing your children and still end up with kids that respect authority. Lack of spanking should never equate to lack of discipline.

Parents need to take responsibility. Just as your pets don't come to you knowing all the rules, neither do your children. It's your JOB as their parents to teach them, not let them run amok and do whatever they want cuz you're afraid they won't like you or cuz you're too lazy to get off your butt to deal with them.

Therein lies the problem. Parents without respect and responsibility can't possibly teach their kids those values.

I think you are such a sweet heart. And I can see the love you have for your children.

I will say my view of being a parent is different now that my girls are grown. I agree.... we do not have to PUNISH our children we need to DISCIPLINE which by definition is to TEACH!!!

I so agree with you on showing your children love... that is why we have children. But ... Please .... don't worry about your children ever thinking you don't love them. now.. they may act like they don't love you or you don't love them when they are teenagers.. don't dispare .. there is light at the other end of the tunnel!!

I will add.... as a parent, a teacher, a girl scout leader, cheer team mom, vacation bible school teacher, camp Councillor.... children need discipline and they need limits. They want limits. They need a little fear of consequences (or if you rather use the word respect) and they need to learn to respect themselves and others. I think when a child is not taught (disciplined) or they do not have limits they don't learn to respect themselves.

Geezz..IDK.. I was strict by some parents standards and too easy by others..I just decided I was who I was and I loved my girls and I did the very best I could. They are adults now, in mid 20's and we are very close and they are doing well. In 15 to 20 years you will look back and see how well you have done and what great kids you have.. remember that through the teen years:)

Lol, have your kids left home yet?

LOL.....Good Point. It is not that I love one more than the other... it is a different type of love. With the girls gone, I NEED the love my three dogs give me... how could I not value that!!

Exactly, and with my kids I always worried about how they'd turn out and what was the best thing for their future. With Joey, there's no worries, he never will go out and marry or need to find a job and live productively in society. I just want to be able to take Joey as many places as I can. If he’s in a covered carrier, I don’t see why the store would complain; he can’t pee or get into stuff. There are some stores that will take him, but I try to run my errands so that I’m not wasting gas, and if I have to go to a store where he’s not allowed, it’s just too hot to leave him in the car (even with windows cracked) so that means he can’t go on so many different trips. He just loves to go in the car and really seems so sad when he can't go.

See....you'll never have to cut his pecker off for making you an early grandma!!:thumbup::p

:sidesplt::sidesplt: The word cracks me up. :p


I'd have to say, spanking doesn't teach a child anything...except that it is okay to be violent...I was raised by my grandmother and I used to get spanked often with a wood back scratcher. Sometimes I got spanked until I bled (not a lot though)...and I honestly think there are more productive disciplining methods. When I have kids in the future, I really don't want to spank my children. I was always taught to appreciate adults punishing you because if they don't punish (criticize/ verbally abuse) you, then they don't care about you. :rolleyes:

That is what I mean by the cycle of abuse being broken. Many raise their children how they were raise and have been taught that punishment equals love NO NO NO... Discipline equals love. I do believe it takes more effort and "love" to discipline a child than it does to let them have their way and/or to punish.
Also I am so glad you put the verbally abuse and criticize in that category.
It is as harmful as physical abuse (hitting with the intent to hurt or excessive "odd" restrictions -- such as withholding food or confinement)
I am so glad you see that.. and you will be a better parent because of that.