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08-31-2007, 04:09 PM | #1 |
Gizzy & Kandi spoil me Donating Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Waco, Texas
Posts: 8,477
| If you need to laugh (Kids and Lizards) If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD! Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened: Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. " Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!" "Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies." "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!" I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife. "Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!) "No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together). "Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed. "Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?) By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth." "Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "Well, isn 't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?) We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified. "Do something, Dad!" my son urged. "Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results. "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) "Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged. "I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.) The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass. "What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically. "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?" I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron." We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered. "Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly. "What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness. Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that... I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more. "That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay. "I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me. "Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter. ........ 2 - Lizards - $140... 1 - Cage - $50... Trip to the Vet - $30... Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker.....Priceless
__________________ The fullness of our heart is expressed in our eyes, in our touch, in what we write, in what we say, in the way we walk, the way we receive, the way we need. -Mother Teresa ( RIP Gizmo 3/9/07-8/18/12) |
Welcome Guest! | |
08-31-2007, 04:24 PM | #2 |
Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Lancaster, PA
Posts: 4,327
| "Thanks" for the laugh, Judy.
__________________ Rudy, Zoey & Buster's mom (Dawn) Rest In Peace my precious Gracie girl & Lucky buddie Dogster:http://www.dogster.com/dogs/382659 & http://www.dogster.com/dogs/497315 |
08-31-2007, 04:46 PM | #3 |
Peeka Boo I See You! Donating Member | OMG that is hillarious I am ROTFLMAO hahahahaha I had to read it to hubby!
__________________ |
08-31-2007, 05:30 PM | #4 |
Donating YT 1000 Club Member Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Georgia
Posts: 2,563
| OMG I laughed so hard I cried! That is absolutely hilarious!
__________________ Aerrica, and Norman RIP my sweet Poopanut |
08-31-2007, 06:13 PM | #5 |
Therapy Dog Donating Member | OMG, Judy, I loved it....especially: "Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?) This was a good one...thanks for the laugh tonight.
__________________ Cynd, Izzy (Yorkie) & Cosmo (Biewer)(Secwetary & Charter Membwer of the Dirty FurKids Cwub)-Jusz say NO ta bein' cwean!)proud member of the CrAzYcLuB! ~The PINK club~SRC |
08-31-2007, 11:52 PM | #6 |
YT 3000 Club Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Location: California
Posts: 3,025
| Lol...this has been posted here before, and it is tooo funny!
__________________ Anna and Wobie |
09-01-2007, 04:55 AM | #7 |
Gizzy & Kandi spoil me Donating Member Join Date: May 2007 Location: Waco, Texas
Posts: 8,477
| Sorry! I didn't know it was a repeat post. I just thought it was funny. Have a great holiday weekend everyone.
__________________ The fullness of our heart is expressed in our eyes, in our touch, in what we write, in what we say, in the way we walk, the way we receive, the way we need. -Mother Teresa ( RIP Gizmo 3/9/07-8/18/12) |
09-01-2007, 05:10 AM | #8 |
Luv my Angel, too! Donating Member Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: USA
Posts: 9,333
| That is hilarious!!!
__________________ Sissy & Angel |
09-01-2007, 07:09 AM | #9 |
Therapy Dog Donating Member | Hi Judy and Gizzy - no worries - us newbies didn't see it so thanks for posting...lol.
__________________ Cynd, Izzy (Yorkie) & Cosmo (Biewer)(Secwetary & Charter Membwer of the Dirty FurKids Cwub)-Jusz say NO ta bein' cwean!)proud member of the CrAzYcLuB! ~The PINK club~SRC |
09-01-2007, 07:44 AM | #10 |
♥ Chip ♥ Smokey ♥ Donating Member Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Leesburg
Posts: 3,835
| HAHAHAHAHAHAHA That was most excellent!
__________________ ~*~ Chip ~*~ Smokey ~*~ My heart is wrapped around their little paws Karley Marissa born 1/20/12 weighing 8 lbs 11 oz and 21.5 inches long |
09-01-2007, 07:51 AM | #11 |
Piper & Sebastian Donating Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: florida
Posts: 14,495
| My husband and I got the biggest laugh out of this. He did say if he ever see's what looks like a foot coming out of a lizard, he'll just walk away. LOL
__________________ Susan, Piper ,Harley & Suiki |
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