Mothers of adult sons am I wrong...
 

Well as some of you know I have had this very long, intense on again off again relationship with this guy who is 25 years old...His mother has almost always been directly involved in many of our problems...Well today I had it, I think this really seals the deal that it is over forever...

As you all know I am in the process of having to appeal my bar exam results (that damn 1/2 point) so he was going to help with the process since he passed and we had been in school together, he passed, etc...I really needed his support. Well after he had cancelled our date for the day today so he could "go relax with mom" he called and telled me he was not showing up for my appeal stuff because his mom decided he shouldn't because despite this being an extremely emotional situation for me, despite the fact this whole ordeal has emotionally paralyzed me and I have not eaten or slept in days, it was more important for him to attend dinner with her and her boyfriend than to help me, and so he agreed and basically refuses help. Which I needed the support I think more than they needed him at the Old Spaghetti Factory.

This is not the only similar situation he has skipped every event with my family I have ever invited him to because she wanted him to even Christmas when my family had specially planned things to include him and he decided to just not show up with no warning to me because his mother was not on the invite list. Ditching me when a friend died and I was a wreck to help her take a couch to the salvation army. Skipping my birthday to go have drinks with her at her house etc. He has even told me mom will always be first even if we were married...

In addition she constantly comes up with mental health diagnosis for me when I am upset by these things. He allows his family to just sit around and make fun of me or call me direct names, with no defense only support for their positions...

Now today I got mad and I finally told him no I did not understand the urgency and that I thought his mom was a very selfish person as was he. Now is this wrong? Is this sort of relationship normal? Part of the reason it is so disturbing to me is I am not supposed to be upset about this, but one of our numerous break ups was because he was upset about how much I care about Bruce...Please mom's of adult sons give perspectives because if I am in the wrong I have no problem apologizing.

This is completely out of line!!! I hate mommas boys. I like men that respect their parents and treat them well, but for heaven's sake this is an abnormal relationship. He should be moving on with his lilfe, still including his mom of course but now to the point of sabotaging the relationship. You know what Allison? He will only get worse and so will his mother, so i think you should thank your lucky stars that God gave you a definitive sign now so you don't have to suffer later in life.

Yep, I've got one of those adult sons
 

:) Your problem is not with the mom but with your boyfriend. If he will not stand up for you now, I doubt if he would do it later. I guess I have to take that back, the mom is a problem but only because he lets her be.

I really hate that he abandoned you at such an important time for you. Please don't give up on the fight for your bar exam. Personally I think you need that law license much more than you need him.

I'll never forget the guy that decided to tell my daughter the night before her cpa exam that he had a child he hadn't mentioned before.

If he doesn't love you and treasure you enough to be your support, there is someone else out there that will and you won't find him sitting at home crying about this guy.

Having said all that I realize that I have only heard your side of the situation and you shouldn't take a perfect stranger's advice about something so important to you.

May I share my favorite scripture with you? If not delete quick:

For I know the plans I have for you, saith the Lord, plans for good and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

Being on the opposite side of a similar relationship, I totally understand.

I am the passive mother with a contolling DIl, who thinks my son should NEVER spend time with his family.

I sympathize with you, whenever any one person is being controlled by another it is not a good situation.

I doubt that it will change so my advice is.

Find a new man.

I agree... It's not the MOM it's the SON.
Just remember... if he walks on you NOW... he will always walk on you.

By the way... i would have told him shove it up his @$$:p

Teeheehee, I would have said the same thing or maybe suggested shoving his mom up there..lol...I once dated a mommas boy and I will never ever ever do it again. He was up and running at the first sign of his mothers calling. It was so annoying. So I kicked him to the curb and told him to go spend the rest of his life with mommy dearest. His mom was super nice but it just bothered me the way he would be all up and out as soon as she called. :rolleyes:

Allison if he is telling you you will ALWAYS be second, even when you're married, that is a clear sign for you. He's supposed to be showing you his best right now, so if you're not seeing that now, it will only get worse later. You deserve better. Trust me there are lots of guys that love their parents and respect them but aren't glued to them.

RUN as fast as you can away from that situation. He has told you that it will never change, that mom will always come first (at least he was honest). Do you really want to live the rest of your life as second fiddle and furthermore, be put down by his family with no support from him? I sure wouldn't.

I know you are upset right now and you have a right to be - but what you need most is support from him and what you are getting is nothing, actually worse than nothing - you are being upset by him.

In the long run you will be much better off without him - even though this is a horrible time for this to happen..........

Good luck sweetie - you'll find Mr. Right (and he ain't it) - give yourself time! :)

1. If you need support right now, come to us. We aren't going to dump you for our mothers; our dogs, maybe, but not our mothers!

2. As the mother of an almost grown male, I hope my son's dates never have anything such as this to say about me.

3. Your life is important. It should be important to him. If he's got his head that far up his mom's A%#, it ain't never coming out.

4. If you're smart enough to only be 1/2 a point from passing the bar exam, scr@* him. Go out and find someone worth your time.

You sound like an extremely intelligent woman and as such, deserve someone who treats you like you are. Hang in there girl, you're young. Turn around and run - not walk - and don't look back.

Keep singing the song us oldies love - I AM WOMAN, HEAR ME ROAR!

PS Any man jealous of a dog obviously has no self esteem.

:thumbup: Great post!

Well said! :thumbup:

HONEY RUN AS FAR AWAY AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!! This woman will always dominate her son, and he seems to be a mamas boy... Your young and you have a wonderful future ahead of you. There are plenty of fish in the sea!! I am talking to you as if I were talking to my own daughter. Btw I have a son, and that is not normal behavior.... Good Luck!!

I have never seen anything good come out of a relationship where the man (or woman) did not put their partner FIRST AND FOREMOST.

If this man doesn't consider your feelings or doesn't stand behind you to support you now, I would have to say that this relationship will give you nothing but heartache down the road.

I agree that the problem isn't with his mother...the problem is with him. If he cannot stand up to his mother now, he never will...if he cannot see what hold his mother has on him...then I'm afraid you will always come second. That is no place for a wife (or girlfriend)

It will hurt to end the relationship...that is to be expected...but I think for your future happiness that it's necessary. If he puts his mom before you, then he needs to hit the curb.

I'm sorry he treated you that way. Very wrong in my eyes.

for research purposes alone, is this guy a Cancer?

Dinner with mommy vs being there with you on a very important day ?:confused: :confused: :confused: Gee...let me think.

I'll just say DUMP him - he may be great now and you may not like the idea of not seeing him - - but if you stayed in this relationship ....just wait till you get married - if you're having these kinds of problems now.....that's when it gets really bad . Honestly - he's 25 and a grown man - mom is a grown WOMAN who should want her son living his own life - but that sure doesn't seem to be the case.

and if they make fun of you and HE LETS THEM - then it's time for you to find someone who will respect YOU ....FOR YOU. No one needs that kind of BS in their life - if he's already telling you that you will always be 2nd - then he isn't the man for you - We can tell someone our DOGS come first - but that's totally different lol - TOTALLY.

If his mom were seriously ill - then I'd understand that thinking ...but if it's just cause he's whupped - then you need a man with a BACKBONE who can make his own decisions based on who is important in his life away (and I don't mean the mom)

It's head games with mothers like that - they get satisfaction knowing their kid will come running and it makes them feel important. Sick - but true.

off my horse now - if you really care for him - why not try NOT asking him to family things or just in general - things he knows are important to you -

just be independant and see what happens - you can just make your own plans and let him see how it feels NOT to be invited if he acts like he does - maybe it'll turn him around in the way he thinks ???

I've been here!!
 

I just ended my relationship a little over a month ago with a "man" similar to this. You keep holding out hope that things will change. You spend all of this time investing your heart and soul into the relationship hoping that it will turn into a real future. And it never will. You simply can't change someone. His relationship with his mother is that way because he wants it to be that way.

As for the mother, women like her are despicable. My best friend's boyfriend (who may be your boyfriend's long lost twin) has a single mother as well. And let me tell you, she has turned him into her husband. Which is what it kind of sounds like your bf's mom has done to him.

Save yourself any further heartache and walk away. You deserve to be with a man that you have a promising future with.

Don't wait around for any man thinking it's going to get better cause hunny it's not gonna. Go put oyur time and energy into something better!!

Well Said
 

I couldn't of said it better myself, if he can't stand up to his Mum now, maybe he never will, if you put up with it, there is no reason or insentive for him to change. Listen to your head (Not your heart) and act on what it is telling you. Honesty maybe hard at times, but not 1/2 as hard as living with a wrong desicion, and the unhappiness and regret that can go with it. Be honest with yourself, you owe yourself that. YOU are worth MORE than this. :)

Thank you guys so much. At least I stopped feeling a so guilty about being upset. It is not just with me either, it is with his father the woman always has an emergency that prevents him from participating in his fathers life as well. The way she sees it Dad and I are the enemies. She jumps at every chance she can to bad mouth us, convince Brian we are manipulating him, etc. Then she puts on this caring front.

Oh the best part is today she let me know that the problem with me is that my mother set a horribly bad example for me by being a stay at home mom, not making me wear hand me downs (which she has no idea if that is true), etc and so I think I am the center of the universe. Additionally, apparently if I were an adult I would realize that no one could really hurt another persons feelings and so having hurt feelings was a sign that I was not worth her sons time. I just find the situation odd, and if it makes them happy fine, I just have a hard time feeling like I am so horrible when I have major life stuff happening and I need support and that is not okay, yet it is okay for them to belittle, name call, basically abandon people, and be jealous of a dog (and yes I know we do not think they are just dogs).

And he is an Aries not a Cancer.

And yes Irishhawk his mom has made him basically her husband. She even thinks she should know and advise about intimate details of our relationship and call me to deal with my problems with him instead of him dealing with them. If it is not her they send the attack sister...It is just really hurtful.

Ok, I am going to take up for the boyfriend. I think it is the mother's fault. She is alone and has probably manipulated him for his entire life. She has guilt tripped him into being her little pet monkey, and that is sickening. He doesn't know any better and has been raised to feel like he is all she's got. Not that I know them or anything (ha ha), but I would assume that the divorce was bitter and she used him as leverage anytime she could with the Dad, seeing as how she still does and he is 25 YEARS OLD! She is playing him like a fiddle and she needs to get a life!!! Get out while you can. Maybe you can enlighten him at somepoint if you decide to try to be his friend. They both need to see a therapist.

After you pass the bar, you will be the hottest single lawyer in town and maybe you can be her next exhusband's divorce attorney! Wouldn't that be sweet revenge ;)

You seem like an intelligent, independent and strong young lady. You DON'T need a wimpy, momma's boy to weigh you down. I think you will be much better off without him. In the end, you'll find someone who values you the way you deserve to be valued, but he will always be a loser who clings to his mommy for dear life. I would hate to be the woman he marries.:eek:

You need to drop him like a bad habit!!!! Men don't change.

Mama's boy .... steer clear .... it can only get worse ... I saw it happen to my girlfriend and her guy was in his 50s .... Jeeeez!

It sound to me that mommy is 100% manipulating him....steer clear of men with mothers like that...they are horrible and will try and ruin your life...he obviously not a strong enough man to stand up to his mother and take your side...and that is someone you don;t want to be with....good luck with your bar results...lose this guy...there are so many more men out there that are worth your time and will care about YOU and will put YOU first...

run as fast as you can!!!!1

Run....because it will only get worse.

It is I think time to move on...This is just a bit hard for me. For the past three years of this relationship I have held out a lot of hope, because I genuinely love this person. For the past three years I have forgiven him for: abandoning me when I need him most, for breaking up with me at nearly every significant time in my life (day of law school graduation, my birthday, numerous other times), for putting me behind every other person and thing in his life, for refusing to accept responsibility for himself, for thinking about no one but himself (except for maybe mommy), for taking advantage of me financially, for putting me down, etc.

I have always thought if I was just a little better, if I just did a little more for him and proved myself, I even was considering going on Jenny Craig because his mother did and he cannot stop talking about how gorgeous she is and I am no where near fat like her (not that there is anything wrong with it). I realize now I will never be good enough for him to care about. However, it is hard to think about not having him around at all, even worse to think about being totally alone especially since all my friends are married or almost there, and it is just another thing that stresses me out right now.

Really I am at a loss for what to do...Thank you all so much for letting me vent!

I know how it feels to have all of your friends be married or engaged or having kids, but don't let that cause you to make a huge mistake in your life. You deserve someone who cares about YOU for YOU, the way Bruce does :D Trust me, they are out there ;) You will NOT be alone forever. I always had this huge fear of never getting married or having kids, of dying alone or living alone forever. I had a fear of being that family member that everyone tries to set up with men, but you know what? It comes when you least expect it, and poof the fear is gone. Plus you need some time to really evaluate what you want out of life and out of a man. I think this will be so good for you Allison. I really do. Call me if you girl talk venting :D You are doing the right thing for yourself.

Hon, it's never easy to end a relationship...especially one that's been long term. Even if it's not a healthy relationship, you still get used to having that person in your life.
But as everyone said, it's not going to get better.
You do deserve better in your life, sweetie.

The decision is ultimately yours...we're just giving you our opinions, but picture yourself 5 years from now if this situation doesn't change. You will more than likely still be feeling the sadness you are feeling right now because he's not giving you what you need in this relationship.

You sound like a lovely woman who deserves to be respected, loved for who she is, treated like a queen and really just adored by the man in her life. Let me tell you there ARE some wonderful men out there who would love to have a relationship with someone like you.

It sounds like your self esteem has taken a beating with this guy. If this were a healthy relationship, this wouldn't have happened.

It is difficult...there is no question about that. And it will hurt. But time will tell you that you made the right decision. You will start feeling better about yourself and you won't have this ever present sadness in your life.