Need advice for moms of teens or post teens
 

Oh my goodness... what a day.... First I can't find my keys, then my oldest gives me hers. I drop them off at school, come home and find out she took the house key off of it. My cell phone is inside and I'm locked out. I'm wearing my boyfriends flannels and t-shirt since I woke up about 2 minutes before having to drive them to school. Luckily I had grabbed a hat. I go back to the school and ask them to call my kid down.... oh she's not in class today.. You've got to be kidding!!! Neither is her boyfriend. Oh man I'm bent now. So I get a key from my youngest one.... my oldest finally appears and starts sending me all of these bs text messages.... Long story short, she's now started lying to me lately, her 3.8 gpa is now like a .2 (she missed a few weeks from mono - but should be caught up by now). She skipped volleyball practice and lied to me about being there.

What's a mom to do? Tell me how you guys have handled similar situations, etc.

Day just got worse from there so far, I'm pretty sure it's not the 31st but Friday the 13th. :mad:

Bless your heart. :( I don't have a teen (yet) but will in a couple of years. I do remember being a teen, though. Make her dump the boyfriend. He sounds like bad news....not that she will but she's putting him before everything else.

I am gonna have to disagree with txshopper73 sorry I was in a relationship with a black guy for 3 of my high school years and my step dad was prejudice and tried to make my mom make my break up and it just made me more rebellious and I wanted to be with him more and in front of my stepdad. So when you tell them to do something they tend to rebel and it gets worse. IMHO

Oh, a parent's worst nightmare!

I've done plenty of that to my parents when I was in highschool (I'm now 27).

I wasn't a "bad" kid but just didn't feel motivated to do anything. While my friends were cramping down the latest lessons and tests, I had my butt planted on our quad, "chillin'". It wasn't until my freshman year in college that I realized that I NEEDED to get motivated or nothing would happen for me.

I know it's very very hard to see them that way. I'd suggest not to overreact (shouting, yelling, throwing things...all the things I did to my parents). Invite her to an outing (coffee house) and chat with her. Or, do something with her (shopping!). That way, you have a chance to ask her what's going on without her going immediately into her defense mode, which I often did when we're at home.

If she was a good student before, I'm sure with a little coaching (not pushing..lol), she'd come around.

Good luck there!!

Kathy

Oooo you can't "make" them do something like that in the teenage years. They'll just get more resentful and lie even more.

I'm not a mom but it wasn't that long ago since I was that age. I kept a pretty good relationship with my mom throughotu highschool but i know she had it rough with my sister. Grounding always worked with us. It made us mad but it worked for our free time. While in school though I think I would have the teachers call you when she's not there. She might get mad at you for "not trusting her" and "always checking up on her" but she's obviously violated your trust and will have to gain it back.

It sounds like it's time to crack down hard. It sound like she's a smart girl she just needs to learn how these choices could impact her future. I hope it all turns out alright.

wow. i'm sorry to hear about your day!
i'm not a teen mom, but we were all teens once. it may have to do w/the boyfriend. trust your gut on this.
my mom was never the one to say much and she's let me go: boy, were you right about that one!" (i'm 28 now)
however, skipping school, a gpa that has dropped that significantly, and lying are signs your daughter has something going on.
you also mentioned you have a boyfriend. she may be feeling competitive w/him and acting out is her way of saying, "pay ATTentION to Me!" i have a friend who had great self worth until her parents divorced. then she felt ignored by her father and she started doing things like making her self vomit to be able to have him stay with her one on one. (she still does this now and she's 23)

i'm not a therapist by all means, but your daughter is at an age where rebelling seems the cool thing to do. and if that guy she's dating is encouraging her it's even worse for you.

also, if you have been lienient in the past, now is the time to put your foot down. you may want to be the best friend/cool mom, but you are still the mother!!

One more thing to add, sorry.

I agree, don't "make" her dump her boyfriend. It's going to make it worse. She's going to rebel harder than ever because she'd want to prove that "MOM IS WRONG and I'M RIGHT".

"Soft" approach is the best for this age.

Soft approach nothing....lock her in the dang closet :eek: Not really, but if she were mine, her privileges would be history. You earn privileges, they are not rights. If the behavior warrants that a child can not be trusted...they are the cause of lost privileges not YOU. If I had to call school every day, so be it. If I have to call to determine where she was because I don't trust her, so be that too.

Good luck and as the mother of a 13 year old...I ain't looking forward to her getting any older ;)

THAT's the "soft" appraoch ;) The hard approach would be throwing things, screaming, yelling, storming out of the house, etc. My parents were not the "soft" approach type.

Just some insight from someone that wasn't a teen too long ago. Me and my mom didn't get on at all. The more she tried to control me the more rebellious I got. The more rebellious i got the more she tried to control it was very bad. However, most parents wouldn't of called me a bad kid. My grades were good, I didn't do drugs, I didn't have sex (of any kind), I didn't drink. But they wanted to control everything what I did, the way I dressed, who my friends were. I had a rough time in high school I had no friends and when I finally found friends they were the hoods and my parents didn't want me to hang with them. There could be a multitude of things going on with your daughter and you have to find out what going on, but grounding her or checking up on her will just make her less likely to tell you. Have you met this boyfriend? do you like him? What does she think of your boyfriend? I would imagine she might be trying to get your attention. Kids are like yorkies it doesn't matter if it's good or bad attention is attention. Maybe she having trouble in a class because of what she missed and is too embarrased to tell you? I think talking is a good idea. Do something the 2 of you like to do you haven't done in a while and try to get her to open up.

I have a teenage daughter living at home and caught her in a couple of lies I took away all her privileges for her spring break she had no phone and she couldnt go anywhere boy was she bored shes earning them back slowly she got her phone back and she still cant go out with friends yet .

Is she driving????
If she is, put a stop to it, if not let her know she won't be if you can't trust her.
Our oldest daughter thought she could do anything she wanted. NOT!!!
No grades, no car, she didn't like that too much. She slammed her bedroom door, so I took it down, told her she could have it back when she was ready to act her age, and not her shoe size.
When my kids do something I don't like, I always ask them what would you do if your kids did that. As teens they are young adults, they need to learn
we are teaching them to be adults. I will not have them lie to us, we know where they are, and what they are doing at all times. If not, they will be home.
My children are spoiled is what everyone tells me. I don't think so, I have them earn what they have. If they have everything, its because they have earned it. I trust and respect them. It works both ways around here.
My daughter now has two children of her own, she told me she grew up too fast, that being a Mom is not easy. She said she should have stayed in school. I told her parents don't talk just to talk, they talk in hopes their children can hear what they are saying. We have a very stong relationship, it's open and honest, it wasn't easy, but maybe she did hear what we were saying after all. :)
We have two boys in Pre Med School, and a son and daughter in High School.
I'm sure they have learned something from their oldest sister. Because they are all doing great.

I would sit your daughter down and talk to her. Tell her you have to be able to trust her. She has a cell, who pays the bill? If it's you, take it away, only give it to her when she really needs it.
Teens will always try to see what they can get away with. If you let them, they will walk all over you. Teens really need to know just how important trust is, it will take them far. Best of luck to you. :2hearts2:

I stated what I did from my own personal experience. Had a boyfriend in high school. While I kept my grades up, I was slipping in other areas. Controlling Asian mom. :rolleyes: Anyway, she made me dump him...WHILE I DID NOT...I ended up realizing later that my parents were right about him.

Meet the guy. I think that your daughter is in puppy love, real love, whatever some may call it. You need to know who your daughter is hanging out with. However, if he's skipping school too, I'd be concerned.

Also, is your daughter on birth control?

OMG ..i remember a time when I thought my son who was about 13 at the time was in bed ..he was in bed at 9 30 or so as we both got up real early .Next thing ya know i wake up to pee and checked in on him and to my amazement ..he was gone! i was a wreck I was a single mom and tried to stay calm ..looked and he had unlocked the door , so i locked it and sat up for him to return .He did return about 5 am and i found out he was camping with friends in a area real close to our house ,He was upset that he got caught of all things hahaha , i think i ground him for life for that scare ..Thank gawd I didnt know all the things he has done .some things your better off not knowing when they are in there 20's they will tell ya all about them .Only advice i can say is hang in there they all started out so good" ...And no instruction manuals have come with any of them we just do the best we can and know it takes a village to raise a kid "good Luck"

I raised 6 kids, been there, done that, heard it all, seen it all, and did most of it myself.

First and foremost, keep a sense of humor. It's the only thing that will get you through.

And you know the part about getting out of bed 2 minutes before taking them to school. Use that to your advantage.

Tell her you are going to call the school every day to make sure she is there, and if she skips one more time, you are going to escort her to school and sit with her all day long, dressed just as you were this morning. And mean it, and do it, if she skips again. And like wise if her grades don't improve.

As for blaming the boyfriend. Your children have their own brain and it is up to them to use it to make wise decisions. His mother might be blaming your daughter.

I have a 4yr old step-daughter and I am dreading the teenage years. If I did that stuff when I was you daughter's age, my parents would have taken ALL my previleges away. I would have no car, no money, no tv/VCR/stereo, and would not be able to leave the house. I probably would only have a bed and clothes in my room. Heck, I would have not put past my mom to go to all my class with me.

LOL

I told my kids if they ever ditched school I would be right there with them.
My Niece was always out of class, my Brother-in-Law had no idea what to do.
I told him I'd take care of it. Well she didn't want to go to school. I told her School was her job, if she didn't go then her parents would not do their jobs, so cell phones had to go, no money of cabel and so on. The next day I picked her up, took her to the school office, and informed the school I was going to need a desk in all her classes, as I was going to stay. After one day, she wanted to go to school. She never ditched again. I guess lesson was learned. :)

Sometimes it's just so exaughsting to be a mom, isn't it? I've been blessed with two really good kids. No cutting school here. But when Megan's grades started to slip we talked about what had changed. She realized she was staying up too late on the computer. (2 or 3 am!) She also realized that she couldn't get good grades if she did that, so she decided to cut back on her own. Our church has a saying "Teach correct principles and let them guide themselves" My kids know what is expected of them and MOST of the time they do it. When they don't we talk....and we take away priviledges and we try to find a solution together. (No, this is not the Brady Bunch, plenty of yelling and door slamming goes on in the process). My son has a couple of friends I absolutly can not stand. They are brothers, and they are trouble from the get go. When he got into some trouble with them he was told he had lost the priviledge of hanging out with them. But it couldn't stop there, we couldn't just tell him not to hang with them, we had to fill his time with other stuff. He had wanted to join a gym, so we signed him up. He started going there and it helped to meet other people. Every teen is different and they all HATE their parents at times. Kevin just today said "I hate this family" when he did I said "Well, we aren't too thrilled with you either right now" Just keep in mind that someday they will have kids of their own and you get the last laugh. My mother certainly did!

Even though I am starting motherhood with a 4yr step-daughter, I am starting to understand the "Mother's Curse". My mom would always say to me when I was in trouble "Just wait, you kids are going to pull the same stuff on you as you are trying to with me and I did with my mom." I a firm believer that parents pretty much know what kids are doing at all times and the kids have to realized the the moms and dads and been there and done that. Of course I did not figure any of that out until I moved on on my own and realize WOW Mom and Dad were right about alot of stuff.

It is very tough being a parent to teenage kids. I have two kids, one 18 (the boy) and the other 19 (the girl). My daughter was and still is a blessing. Never had any sort of problems with her. No lying, no missing school, no attitudes, no hanging out etc.. She is college as we speak and she still calls me to ask if she can go places. Now my SON, oh boy! You name it, he did it. Even now at 18 he is still giving me headaches. He is getting better at it. I think its a stage they go through, but you have to put your foot down and be stern with her. Just be careful on how you handle the situation because they are in a rebellious stage right now and sometimes it makes matters worst. I wish you the best of luck! It will get better!

Just remember that you are doing the best that you can do with raising your children and that this phase will eventually end.

I have two teens one 17 the other 13 so I hope I can give good advice. Go to school and activities with her. She will be so embarrassed that you will never have this problem again. It sounds like the boyfriend is bad news, but don't get between them. It will only push her closer. I have a feeling the boyfriend will give her a hard time when he realizes she will have to live by your rules or be the laughing stock at school then she will see that he is a jerk. People ask me all the time how I have raised such good children. I tell them it is the love of God and the fear of Mom! I'm meaner than they are and I have alot more tricks up my sleeze then they can even imagine! She will appreciate you for this later.
Good Luck!

I agree totally with bchgirl here. Bchgirl, after reading your post here, you will do fine there with your 13 year old as she is getting older. We wiish we could relive the years our 2 daughters and son were home, we sure enjoyed those years they were home. Patti

Thanks for all the advice, I appreciate it. It's been hard, I have my girls most of the time so sometimes I just get over stressed about it. As rude as this sounds, I would just love a few days to myself. :eek: Dad is taking her this weekend so maybe that will help. She's normally a good kid, just made some bad choices these past few weeks. We've talked but she didn't say much. I agree with bchgirl about earning privledges and this is something I tell both girls all the time. Therefore, I took her phone, internet, and driving privledges until her grades come back up. I've also limited the boyfriend time. He's a good kid too for the most part. This is my daughter's first "true love" she thinks. And txshopper73, no birth control although I've asked a few times if it's necessary and to be sure to let me know. Lord help me but I'm guessing it will be soon.

Ponyup you remind me of my youngest. She struggles with her identity a alot and the friend thing is something I have an issue with too. She's got just a handful of friend and some are bad eggs in my opinion and I won't let her go over to their house. She is one of a kind I'll tell you. Makes me proud though at her beliefs. She's got some pretty strong convictions and doesn't stereotype much. She absolutely refuses to clean her room. She says it's because I'm always asking if it's done or whatnot. She says that if I stop asking her to clean it she will, only reason she doesn't is because I won't leave her alone about it.

Mustangbee: "When my kids do something I don't like, I always ask them what would you do if your kids did that." They say, we wouldn't care.

As for the boyfriend, well to them he's just a really good friend, my best friend. They both like him ok, he's been around for almost 5 years. We really only do the boyfriend/girlfriend thing when the kids aren't around to be honest. As weird as it is, it's working for us for now. :D Recently though I told him to piss or get off the pot because I wasn't doing this for very much longer. (that's another story though.)

But thanks everyone for listening and advising. I just needed folks to talk to and I don't have many around here that I can.

chuse

These are the hardest times as a mom. I know. I have a son that turns 18 in june..two teen daughters 15 and 13 and a 3 year old son.
The way I have ran my house is i am not THEIR FRIEND but i am their MOM. They have plenty of friends but only one mom. You can't guide a teen while trying to be their friend. You can be there you can listen and you can help them with their problems but the minute you get on the friend level you've lost the game. I would take away all of her privelages..she may hate you now but later will thank you. It's hard but it's in their best interest. I allow my kids their space to a certain degree. If the boyfriend is a problem and you feel he is a bad influence then don't allow her to go out with him. It's our job to make decisions for our kids. My son went out with a girl that was allowed to do what she wanted..next thing I know my son wanted to do what he wanted. He no longer was allowed to see her. He hated me for a long time for that. NOw he thanks me cause he met a girl that likes what he likes and he's happy with her. I come down hard when they do things they aren't allowed. I am strict..but we have to be to guide them right. NOw he's almost 18 and we are friends now. He isn't raised all the way but he's getting ready to move out on his own and we have a good relationship. He survived me being strict and I survived him. But i know i did what was best for him. I think too much freedom is bad for kids. But I also think being too strict is as well..good luck..

I did the same things your daughter is doing when i was a teen myself. I skipped school a couple times and told some lies to my parents about where I was...oh man! i'll tell ya what really works...take the CAR and or the car privilidges ! teens should be allowed to have relationships with whom they choose as long as they are healthy relationships. most teens are gonna skip class, practice , whatever. i wouldn't blame it on the boyfriend, i would blame it on her, because she makes her own decisions to do these things she's doing. take my advice, TAKE THE CAR for a while! they HATE that! (if she has a phone, i'd take that too for a little while) when grades start improving, and she is being honest with you about things, gradually give back privlidges. worked for me!! i wish you the best, and please know i have an upcoming pre-teen daughter myself and i'm ready and waiting for anything she may pull on me! ;)

UGH! This is not sounding good, mom! What was her reason for skipping school?
I have a 15 yr old daughter who will be turning 16 in July and knock on wood, so far she has not given me any trouble, sure she is moody and likes boys, but I have set the ground rules and she knows I will kick her fanny if they are broken, but I'm scared to death about the up coming years, and to make it worst I have 2 more daughters to deal with! DOUBLE UGH!!!!

That could be, I can't suggest much because we told my 17 step daughter to dump the boyfriend, and instead she dumped US! She left a month ago, a 3. student went getting an F and maybe not able to graduate in less than 2 months! It is sad, she will not listen, we tried the be nice, the we tired the harsh no bs stuff and that got us NO WHERE...... All I can say is if I had it to do over again, I guess I would just listen and try not to open my mouth to much......Just be there for her when she falls....
Until she turned 16 1/2 she was an angel, the best kid a parent could have ever asked for!!!!
So good luck!!!! And keep a smile on because it gets rough before it gets better......

I read my post and i sounded so harsh...lol..i guess what i was saying was mom first friend second..

I can tell you its hard raising children today, I have 5 children, 3 girls and 2 boys. You have to pick your battles, the more we say don't, they do. Its one step at a time. School is so important, that was one thing I did stress upon. Unfortunately there is no magic book on raising children, each one is different and what works on one does not work on the other. Just hang in there.