I'm going to scream!!! I need advice
 

My oldest daughter (23 today) is in the Navy. She's a reservist, but has the options of taking orders that put her as active duty for 6-12 months at a time. She was offered the chance to go active duty for 8 months in March of 2014, but she turned it down. Why? Her boyfriend (who lives in another state btw) doesn't want her to go. Because its in Africa.


Keep in mind this guy is actually facing prison time for 2 DWI's, and will possibly be there 4 years. He has no job, he's 32 and still a college student, although he claims to have interned for NASA, and he lives off money he receives from the state of Arizona because he's a heart transplant patient. He can't leave arizona to move anywhere, because of his state insurance because if he leaves, he loses it and won't be able to get the same coverage (he's grandfathered in). She pays for his travel back and forth to Texas to see her, as well as food, entertainment, etc while he's here, and if she goes out there, she has to pay for a rental car because he can't drive (2 DWIs and no license or car). Right now, my daughter has 3 part time jobs, just so she can pay her bills. She has no time for personal life, and can't do online school (which the navy pays for) because she doesn't have time to study. Africa means a steady paycheck for 8 months, it's related to the field she's in (she's a master at arms, ie military police) and is studying criminal justice and would like to be a cop later in life, and honestly, it looks better on a resume than 3 part time cashiering jobs, one of which ends after Halloween because it's at Halloween city. So she'll be either trying to increase her hours at target and charming Charlie's to take up the slack, or she'll be looking for another job because right now charming Charlie's is only giving her 4 hours a week. And to me, why the heck would you not want to travel on someone else's dime?? She can see another country and travel to other places and the military pays for it, as well as housing, (she could put her stuff in storage and save on rent and she could put her vehicle in storage as well and have a reduced insurance cost) and full coverage medical insurance. As a reservist, she only has tri-care when she's on her drill weekends. She would also get hazard pay, being its in Africa.

His arguement is that it's not safe over there. I pointed out that 1. It's a military base. 2. Its not safe in the US either (Washington DC shooting on BASE!).

I think he's being selfish and insecure. (He's very insure, even to the point where he will freak out if she does t answer his calls or texts in a timely manner-she made a google calendar for him to see her work schedules, so he'll know if/when she's at work) He's holding her back, and I don't understand why she's allowing it. Why would anyone who claims to love another, keep them from advancing in their chosen career?? He's actually told her (and me) that when (not if) she gets pregnant, he expects her to leave her family here in Texas and move there to arizona to be with him.

It's irritating me, and I feel I should say something to her, but I don't want to alienate her- I was young once and thought I was in love and if my mom had tried to tell me anything about him, I would have defended him and told her where to go....I obviously see things differently now (mom was right) but I don't know how to approach this so she doesn't feel attacked.

Any suggestions???

I have a neice who is a civilian employee at Bremerton AFB in Washington State (who also has a yorkie :D) who is currently in Djibouti for a year. (good $$) She is practically a newlywed and took this job for the $$. She left hubby AND yorkie at home! :eek: She is on a base and facebooks photos of herself running with the soldiers (she is a very healthy excerciser type person) and posts pics of care packages from her mom & stuff. She has never had any safety issues (that we are aware of) and seems to be enjoying her time there. She got a 2 week leave a couple of months ago & looked great. I think that turning down a steady gig like that for a loser BF (sorry, that's how I read this) is a very bad idea. I would jump at the chance to go overseas and work like that, especially for a limited time period. You can handle ANYTHING if you know when it is gonna end! Just sayin'...

I am so sorry that you are going through this; it is tough being a parent!

All I can offer is that she is your daughter and you will love her no matter what happens. We may not always agree or approve of what our children do, but letting them know that we love them means a lot.

I have a daughter who is 30 and is with a person who hits her! He has no job, lives off her and has no intentions of changing. I have talked to her until I am blue in the face, and it does no good. She has a psychiatrist and a counselor and still it does no good. I don't hold back in telling her how I feel as I believe in being totally honest in our relationship. Yes, she does what she wants anyway, but at least she knows how I feel.

I'm sorry I am not much help, but your post touched my heart. I hope things get better and be sure to reach out to us if you need to talk.

Take care!

Katheleen

I can see why you are irritated. Don't you wish our children had the innate ability to learn from our mistakes and our wisdom? I do think you are wise to give a little advice, and then step back and let her figure it out on her own, even if you don't think she is making the best decisions.

No suggestions, just hugs...

See, I agree.

I would jump at the chance to travel, especially if someone else was paying for it! I had the chance to go to Haiti, and knew going in that the area was rough, and honestly, they don't treat their women very nice, but we had no issues, and never felt unsafe. The medical personnel welcomed us, and even the male drs treated us well. I delivered my first actual baby over there, with the help of a dr who spoke no English, and I spoke no French, Spanish or patois (a Spanish creole dialect spoken by many Haitians). We managed. We had security measures in place and they worked.

I agree that he's a loser, but she can't see through the bs to see it. He's better than her ex husband and that's her comparison....

Yes! You would think she'd learned from her dad and me, as well as her precious marriage.
I just hate to see her limit herself and her career because of him. I would never hold my spouse back from career choices, even if I didn't like them (and there's been some I hated!!)

If they marry, she will end up leaving the military because he can't live in any other state without losing his insurance, and she can't guarantee being stationed in Arizona, not to mention, he won't want/let her take overseas orders, which she has to do in order to advance her pay grade. Whatever happened to the old "if you love someone set them free" saying?

See, this is why God saw fit to not give us any children...I don't think I could handle the stress and heartbreak involved...or the jail sentence after I killed them...:rolleyes:
It is funny how after we are adults and have made mistakes that we see that our parents were right, no matter how we fought it at the time. (And I was one of those obnoxious people who would still fight it even after I knew I was in the wrong)

Lol me too. I still do!

I am in the same boat to some extent with my daughter. her bf is only working two days a week. She is having a break down that shes attending college in another state and I know he has something to do with it. He also holds her back and I wish I had answers. The only thing I am thankful for is that she has to finish out this college year or shell throw 14 grand away so I am praying really really hard she sees the light.

I will pray your daughter decides to go you are very right it's a wonderful opportunity and she will learn and grow so much from experiencing another country. I am sending many prayers.

I'm having to stay off Facebook lol because I'm biting my tongue. He commented about how Africa was such a horrible place and it would be stressful. I wanted to ask him "stressful for who, her or you?"

I'm like a momma bird, trying to push the baby bird out of the nest to spread her wings and fly and see the world. He's afraid if she flies away, she'll keep going and not come back to him. It's kind of why I'm pushing for Africa....I'm hoping she'd get away and see his true colors. He already "requested" she quit the job she had before because he didn't like it. She only had to work one day a week and was making excellent money, but he didn't like the bar she worked in, so he basically made her choose.

It is so tough being a parent. Even when our children are adults we mother them in hopes of them doing what is best. I would speak to her and let her know your feelings, fears and hopes! It may do no good but it could also change her mind. Most kids look up to their parents and respect their opinion. It is her decision and if she chooses to not take this awesome opportunity then it is her loss.

The reason, I say this is because, I have a daughter in an abusive relationship! I have talked until I am blue in the face!!!! She continues to stay with him and has since, lost her home, her children and working at a minimum wage job all because, "she loves" him. She has a degree in teaching and has thrown it all away for this person! I still love my daughter, but I don't like what she had done and continues to do! There are consequences to all our actions....good or bad!

The moral is you will not be able to change her mind until she is ready, if ever. Voice your opinion and then, let it go.

God bless you and you are not alone!

Sounds like he is a really BIG jerk. Keep pushing...maybe even try to find articles and such that go against what he says. I'm not a big expert on Africa but I know a few people who have visited and loved it. I hope she flies away from him and never ever looks back.

Stay strong ...I know how hard it is to keep your mouth shut....

I was gonna say show her my post about my niece and how well she is doing in Djibouti, Africa, but then I remembered I called him a loser. Maybe not as good of an idea as I first thought. :rolleyes:

Just for your information.....this guy she is involved with is a control freak which means, he will eventually become abusive....verbally, emotionally and physically. I know the type from experience. He already has her feeling sorry for him and his "illness" and reasons for not working. He is an alcoholic if he has 2 DWI's and lost his license. Creates reasons to not work and support himself. He is trying to control her going to Africa because he knows that she may find someone or something that makes her happy.

I will pray that she makes the right decision and goes to Africa!

Oh boy, Michele, I really feel for you :(. I do NOT like the sound of this guy. He sounds extremely controlling and I don't like that one bit bc I feel that type of personality usually leads to wanting more and more control, and right into the realm of being abusive. He has so many red flags and I wish she could see it. What does she truly see in him, I wonder....ya know?

I also wonder what her friends think of him bc girlfriends can often say things that Mom's can't and/or the friend will be listened to more bc it's not their Mom. Do her friends like him?

Your daughter sounds so awesome - she sure deserves better than this and I hope she finds it one day.

Took the words out of my mouth. Huge red flags are waving!

Michele, I feel for you...it is so hard because things you resist do persist. If you really come down on this, it will make her want it more.

There are some things you can try.

It would be wonderful if you could get her to an Alanon meeting...maybe just say in a matter of fact way that her b/f clearly has some issues with his drinking and while she may not see that as a problem, she should at the very least learn something about it. (she would get an earful at a meeting if you could get her there)

Something else....ask her to take a piece of paper out and make two columns and write down how this relationship is affecting her...one side pros the other side cons. Suggest it in a non threatening way...just matter of fact and tell her you don't want to see it...you are merely suggesting it as food for thought.

And...ask her if it were her best friend in this relationship, would she encourage it.

Lastly, pray for her. I believe in the power of prayer. I am sure you are probably already doing that. I will definitely keep her and you in mine.

I thought about pointing it out in a different way.

I'm her best friend and I approach her and want her to go on a blind date with my friend. He's a really nice guy! He's 30ish, but he doesn't work, because he's still in college. Oh and he doesn't have a car, because he's kinda in some trouble, in fact, he doesn't even have a license- so you'll have to go pick him up and drive. Oh and he *may* be going to prison for 4 years because of this trouble.
Oh and if this works out, you'll have to give up your friends and family to move to Arizona, because he's sort of stuck there for insurance purposes.

No way in heck would anyone date someone when approached that way.... And that's him, in a nutshell.

Yes, that is a good one.

Any guy this controlling now when they are not living together and has a woman doing this much for him now would make her life miserable if they ever did live together or marry and certainly as he gets older, more dependent on her, he'll get even worse at all the things he's doing at a relatively young age. She sounds like she's a codependent in every way and the sooner she can leave this guy in her rearview mirror, the better. If the service has any counselor or psychological counseling, I'd encourage her to get it in the guise of trying to help her decide about her future deployment vs. staying here. Maybe a counselor could help her to see what he really is - a guy in trouble who will just give her misery.

I sure feel for you and your daughter!!! It is so hard being a parent now that I'm one, and I know that I had put myself in situations that were not in my best interest years ago. It must be hard for your daughter to have such an overpowering bf over her head and on her shoulder with every step she takes. It certainly isn't healthy for her. Some mistaken this for love:( What a shame! For me I just had to get away to see the light. I'm sure that you already do this, but please love your daughter a lot, with hopefully time spent with her if possible, in between her jobs and what ever you have on your plate. Perhaps a movie or playing a simple card game? These sound like useless things to do but I feel that those times are sooo important and time spent is remembered more than most gifts! Just a thought - how about a pros and cons list for her to do on what life can bring and what life is like with bf already? Seems simple I know, but perhaps she might read between the lines on this list??? You and your daughter are in my thoughts BIG time and hope for a miracle here; that she sees the light!!

I'm not there yet with a daughter who is still in grade school but I feel for you. Is it possible to say:

I love you and support you in whatever you decide but I want the best for you and as your mother need to tell you

I think you deserve a better partner.

I think you are being held back and not supported like you should be.

etc. etc.

?

Only you know how she will receive the info but it would be hard for me to not say something! Good luck.

I just wanted to add that when I originally read this idea, I thought to myself 'why would anyone suggest this guy?', then I reread it and understood:) What a great idea to do this! Having said that, she may understand the picture and move on, or she may be on to what you are saying and shut down:( Too bad if this were to happen because you are only doing this out of a great love/respect for your her and how you know that she deserves someone who is worth her time. Boy I sure hope that she 'smells the coffee'!!!! We've all made our mistakes along this road called life, but being a parent, and watching your loved one travel down a road, that seemingly isn't in their best interest, is difficult and bumpy one. And I thought being a child was hard! Please keep us posted, and I truly hope that one day you will be on the road to drop her off at the airport... to a new beginning. All the best:)

I wish I had suggestions... just a similar situation with stepson. 19, was going to go to the military, then got a gf.... he didn't go, and he floated around doing nothing much for a year because he didn't want to leave her. Of course, she cheated on him, he on her, and they split up finally just last week.... suddenly things are getting more clear to him. Pray they break up is all I can say! Ignorant kids! haha I was one until I was 28, let my bf of 10 years hold me back.... then we broke up for good... and my eyes opened and I got my own place, got my degree, and moved on to bigger & better! Some need to learn the HARD way. (((HUGS))) to you! You are going to need it! :)

She will be passing up the opportunity of a life time by passing up Africa. I lived in northern Africa for two years when my husband was in the service. It was safe even though there was some trouble and talk of evacuating us.
It totally change my views on life and what is important. Seeing life in a third world country lead me back to nursing and when the earthquake hit Haiti and hurricane Sandy hit here I volunteered
This guy is afraid she will get to see a different side of life and possibly find someone else when she is away from his control. He is selfish and only thinking of himself. I vote- dump him:thumbdown

I often ask my patients who are in similar situations that you depict, to read
DITCH THAT JERK by Pamela Jayne.
You might want to read it to help you present this guy in a different light.
You can probably get it at the library if you don't want to purchase it.
It really shows women how to assess their partners and relationships for potential abuse. It is easy to read - not weighed down with research and such.

Best wishes to you and your daughter!

I'm sorry Michele, and I can imagine how incredibly frustrating this is. Praying your daughter will see the light.

Thank you! I will look I to this book.
She and I are having some time together Saturday evening to go to a haunted house, so I think I will sit her down and just say "I need to tell you this, and you'll he hurt and mad after I do, but I feel like you need to know how I, and the rest of the family, see this".

Good idea.....plant the seed. While she may resist, she will have heard what you said and it will not leave her head.

Have you ever thought of seeing a counselor with her?? The way you described her ex-husband and now this boyfriend, it seems like she picks relationships where she's being manipulated. I feel like even if she does end up dumping this guy , she'll probably pick another guy that treats her the same. The pattern will continue if she doesn't realize its happening and get a handle on it. I hate to see young girls throw their life away for someone who doesnt appreciate them.

Yeah my daughter is soooooo....much like yours....did I mention she has GONE BACK to TURKEY????? Eh, I can't even help you here, we have to sit back, keep being the good example, don't preach and hope to God they figure it out soon....