Daddy's 10 rules of Dating
 

*DADDY'S TEN RULES OF DATING*


Rule One~:If you pull into my driveway and honk
you'd better be delivering a package, because
you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two~: You do not touch my daughter in front of
me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not
peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep
your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will
remove them.

Rule Three~: I am aware that it is considered
fashionable for boys of your age to wear their
trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling
off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult,
but you and all of your friends are complete
idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded
about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You
may come to the door with your underwear showing
and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not
object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, in fact come off during the course
of you date with my daughter, I will take my
electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely
in place to your waist.

Rule Four~: I'm sure you've been told that in
today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier
method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate,
when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will
kill you.

Rule Five~: It is usually understood that in order
for us to get to know each other, we should talk
about sports, politics, and other issues of the
day. Please do not do this. The only information I
require from you is an indication of when you
expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
and the only word I need from you on this subject
is: early."

Rule Six~: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow,
with many opportunities to date other girls. This is
fine with me as long as
it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you
have gone out with my little girl, you will continue
to date no one but her until she is finished with
you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven~: As you stand in my front hallway,
waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an
hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to
be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than
can take longer than painting the Golden Gate
Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't
you do something useful, like changing the oil in
my car?

Rule Eight~: The following places are not
appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places
where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than
a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or
happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is
warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear
shorts,tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything
other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down
parka -- zipped up to her throat. Movies with a
strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided;
movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey
games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine~:Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a
potbellied,balding, middle-aged, dimwitted
has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I
am the all-knowing, merciless God of your universe.
If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you
have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a
shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not
trifle with me.

Rule Ten~: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very
little for me to mistake the sound of your car in
the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice
paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting
up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to
clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my
daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
driveways you should exit the car with both hands
in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password,
announce in a clear voice that you have brought my
daughter
home safely and early, then return to your car
--there is no need for you to come inside. The
camouflaged face at the window is mine.

LOL
I'll have to copy that one!
Thanks :thumbup:

Elizabeth!! You are certifiable!!!
 

That's the most hysterically funny "Rules" I have ever read!!! :p While reading them to Patrick, we both kept visualizing my son whose "only child", a daughter, just turned 16!! :eek: He has to know every breath she breathes!! He told me the other day "Mom, I now know what paying for your raising means!!" Oh, that did my heart good!! :thumbup:

Thanks for the belly laughs!! Can't wait to forward these rules to Chris!! ;)

Funny! Sounds just like my dad ;) When I was a teenager I lived with my dad (it was just the 2 of us) and let me tell ya dating was oh so fuuuuun! I have a similar copy of dating rules that my dad gave me back then, I've kept it all these years.

I've had these rules e-mailed me to before -- they're so funny!!

That is funny! When I was a teenager, my dad actually said alot of that stuff to whatever guy I was dating at the time. And, that if he acted up, he did not mind going back to prison! The best is when he would have all is guns out on the dining table when he came to pick me up.

:eyetearss :eyetearss :eyetearss :eyetearss

Ha ha ha ha!!

I love it!

This one has been around a while but I love it and laugh EVERY time I read it. Thanks, Elizabeth! I needed this!

Too cute, I have to find the one my husband printed out. It is an application to date a daddy's daughter....

I have seen that one before too...but it is always god....I intend to print it and give to the boys that date my daughter....our family joke is she is me with hormones...and I know how bad I was.....so I am reeaaally worried

Thanks so much for that one. My daughter is 13 and has a boyfriend! My husband can't even say the word boyfriend. When she was 10 she wanted to know how old she had to be to have a "boyfriend". She had a boy who liked her and wanted to "go out". My husband blurted out "you have to be at least 35" I said there had to be a compromise and so he agreed on 13. Well, the day she turned 13 she had a boyfriend. They go to the movies and football games and talk on the phone all the time. My husband refers to him as "that boy who is your friend". Ha ha LOL. I met my husband when we were both 15, and we've been together ever since.
I am going to print out The Rules and tape them on the front glass door right before my daughter get's home from school. She will think it's been there all day and all of her friends have seen it (Bad Mommy!) hee hee

That is too funny!!! My husaband is going to love reading this. My oldest daughter is 15, and we laugh because there is noting but boys that are her age around here. She has known them since she was 5. So needless to say she is very close to them. My husband can handle that. We know them and thier parents. And they all look at eachother as brothers and sisters. But,,, if there is a new face out there, you can best believe Tim is out there figuring it out. The boys know my husbands crazy ways, and don't fear him as much as they used to but for the unfamilar ones that come every so often are very scard of Tim.

Ive never really had a real date, and im going to be married,.....lol.... is that bad? we just always sorta "hung out".. ;)