looking for opinions ---Kids are a pain in the *ss :)
 

My daughters bf's mother gave him one month to find a place to live as she was moving back in with her husband and he said her son couldn't come too. He just turned 18 and wasn't able to find a place and my 17 year old daughter was going to move with him. They didnt have the money to support themselves and they also didnt have the life skills. So my DH offered to allow him to live here with us. We gave them a choice either pay 400 per month which would include everything or pay 200 and pay for their own food. They chose option #2. We put a fridge in the garage for them, gave them a room to serve as a living room and their own full bathroom. The only chore that has been give to them is to empty the dishwasher which they seldom do unless asked.

The amount of additional cleaning that I have to do is notable and although I have complained they still continue to do nothing much around here. I could live with that.

They constantly take the cordless phones and leave them in one of their rooms as well as other items that belong to us such as the cord to the central vac. I have on occasion needed to enter their rooms to get an item. I have also entered the bedroom when repeated knocking didn't wake them and there was a phone call for them or I was asked if I could wake one of them at a particular time. My room however is entered constantly by my daughter but not her bf thankfully.

So last night her bf's brother called and we called out for him an got no reply. We believed he was home and most likely had fallen asleep watching TV so my husband went to open the door and discovered that they installed keyed locks on the "living room" and bedroom. I was SOOOOO insulted. The only reason to lock something or somewhere up is to proctect it. So of course I am left believing that the implication is that we are being percieved as theives or that we are rummaging through their belongings! I did once enter the bedroom to try to find a vital components of my vacumm and he was beyond angry. I did apologize stating that up until a feww weeks prior this was only my DDs room and she never had an issue with me grabbing something of mine from her room as she knew that I would never root through her stuff.

So now both of them are upset thinking that they are entitled to lock up part of our home. They are under the impression that 200 a month entitles them to complete autonomy and the same rights of ownership as my husband and I have. The fact that not having a key to a room containing items that could develop an issue leading to a fire means nothing even tho his stereo did catch on fire just two weeks ago.

Am I wrong? Do you think that they have the right to hold keys to part of our home and deny us access? We never said that they were renting we said 200 to cover hydro, water, cleaning supplies, toilet paper, laundry soap etc etc... This kid (her bf) was raised by monkies and seems to have missed out on some maturity. For example he borrowed 50 dollars from me and when he paid it back I promptly misplaced it. He responded by getting angry at me for losing HIS money. I want to help them I really do but I am really starting to feel disrespected in my own home. Also when our house flooded some of their stuff was in the basement and he was angry at us for letting his stuff be ruined. Believe it or not held us responsible for an act of God.

Sadly I think that he will have to go if he cant change. Even if we are wrong this is our home. We worked our butts off to own a home and I will be d@mned if I am going to let a kid tell me what I can and cant do.

So opinions? Suggestions on how to get a couple of morons to understand why this isnt right if you do agree?

Sometimes its better to get opinions from those who are not involved as there is greater clarity.

Thanks guys and pray for me that the drama and crazyness that has been plaguing us for the last 6 years will come to an end. I now know what the saying no good deed goes unpunished means.

Thanks :)

That is so disrespectful of them to install locks, and they didn't even ask you first:eek:!! I don't know anywhere else where you can live for $200 a month, can I move in with you?!?! I would help with the cleaning:laugh:

Maybe it would help to put all your bills together and show them in black and white what it costs to actually LIVE. You were very kind to allow him to move in when he was in trouble. Maybe there's a reason why his step-father didn't want him in his home, you know?

I would remove the locks and get rid of them and if they don't like it, well there's the door! You must have access to their part of the house for all the reasons you stated, AND in case there is some kind of emergency or something. I would wonder if there was some kind of drug use going on because they feel the need to lock the doors and they're unresponsive when you're calling them or knocking on the door. No one sleeps through pounding on the door unless they're on something. Just sayin'. I have 5 kids, 4 boys ages 25, 25, 24, and 23, and my girl who is 17 tomorrow. Three of the four boys are pot smokers and drinkers and they don't live here for that reason. They used to treat our home the same way and I would not tolerate it. Asking me to wake you up at 8 am and then you don't respond, and then it's my fault you get fired from your job?:rolleyes:

I feel for you, it's a hard situation. Good luck!!!!:love:

Oh and present them with a bill whenever you have to do their share of the cleaning/chores. That might help put a stop to that;) :laugh:

You allow your 17 yo daughter to LIVE WITH HER BOYFRIEND in YOUR HOME??

The kids aren't the ones with the problem.:confused:

oh i am sorry they are misunderstanding your kindness. i dont believe you should have to put up with his nastyness. he should be more than thankful for your help. they cant lock up your house.....he needs to get his own place, pay his own rent and then he can lock all the doors he chooses. i hope it all works out for the best and you and dh can be apprecitated for the kind people you are.

Sadly here in Ontario a kid can move out when they are 16. We were left with two choices see her living with him with no money for food which would cause insane stress or allow them to live here. She has mental health problems and after discussing this with her therapist He said letting them stay here and give her the ability to learn how to manage budgeting ect would be the best option. Trust me when I tell you that I never in my wildest dreams imagined I would be here. Her illness is very serious and we almost lost her twice. When you have a child with a mental illness you learn that keeping her alive trumps your own morality issues.

I hope this clarifies your impression of the situation and perhaps prior to assuming bad parenting you would take the time to inquire and not pass judgement in ignorance.

Your daughter is 17 years old. Tell her she is not allowed to see an 18 year old LEGALLY adult man. He is not your son, and not your responsibility. Kick him to the curb. if your daughter has a fit, let her know that in how ever many months until she turns 18 she has to listen to you. After that, if she wants to go out in the big scary world and take care of herself that it up to her.

Plus you know why they are locking the room. They are living together aren't they?? I don't have children but personally I would never allow my under age daughter to live with her bf, even if it were supposedly under my supervision.

Just read this as we were posting at the same time. Very sorry to hear your daughter have an illness. I still think you need to put your foot down. You are her mother and should have a say in who she is dating, like someone who was raised by monkeys? LOL And even his own parents don't want him? maybe some tough love is in order. let her see how hard it is to live out there on her own and she will come crying back to you.

I wish it were his fault that the step father didnt want him. I have known him since he was 11 and I saw what he went through at home. His mother had no interest in raising him and he had zero social skills when I met him. He has often said that I am more his mother than his own and that I taught him right from wrong. I do feel bad for him as he has been given a very raw deal I just dont know what to do with this. It was a very tough decision for my DH and I and if he goes she will go with him. She is doing SOOOO much better and I am worried that if they move that stress will trigger a relapse. Sadly nothing is simple, I long for the problems that my friends have with their kids lol. Oh well they say God doesnt give us more than we can handle.

Thank for the feedback, its hard to see clearly through these types of issues when your emotions are involved. Espeacially when you are putting yourself out to help another.

Maybe there is more to the story behind his own mother not allowing him to stay...... They say you don't really know someone until you live with them.

Thanks hun, I understand what you are saying. I can only tell you that seeing an illness waste your daughter away to 80 punds and watching as her organs start shutting down has left me shell shocked. Even worse when her therapist is telling you that the stress of living on her own at this time could see her back in that condition. She had made up her mind that she was moving out with him which she can do legally as well as legally date a man 60 if she wants (yuck) Parents here have very little legal recourse. It was a gut wrenching decision. I just wish it were simple parenting, trying to parent around a mental illness has been BRUTAL. One saving grace is that I was told she was the sickest child ever at the clinic and that they didnt think she would make it. I devoted almost 2 years to be by her side day and night and was told that if it were not for that she would have died. Still when you are facing situations such as these it becomes hollow comfort. My prayer is that she will continue to get better and one day be free from illness and I can stop walking on a razors edge.

I know his mother and she sat crying in front of me for two hours about what a bad mother she was and how she had put her husband first and allowed him to abuse her son. She then went back to him two months laterkicking her son to the curb. Just a really awful situtation. Even worse is I know that many of his problems stem from a lack of parental interest aside from the abuse he recieved. He has a good heart its his brain that gets in the way sometimes. He has many good qualities too and is very good to my DD he stood by her through all of the hell we went through when she was sick and is devoted to her. Her therapist said that he is a positive in her life and that her relationship with him is an anchor keeping her well. I just wish that I could explain in a way they could grasp why this was such an insult and why we are hurt and angry.

My comment may sound harsh. I apologize. You were posting about his home life as I was posting this. Some people will just take and take and take until you finally put your foot down. I suppose many of us are like that as we all have to live within some sort of boundaries in our daily lives. Make yourself a list of what you absolutley will not tolerate, and what you can learn to live with through this transition and stick to it. Make sure they know and understand those boundaries. (Like no permanent changes to the house without consulting the home owners-you) What they choose to do from there is up to them. They cannot be angry with you if they choose to live outside the boundaries set forth.

That is horrible what his own mother did to him:unlove: This is indeed a sticky situation, I had forgotten that your daughter had an illness:( So kicking them out probably would be a BAD idea, huh:laugh:? I know that you are hesitant to rock the boat because of the fear of your daughter having a relapse. I bet that she also knows this, and don't believe for a minute that she won't use that to get away with stuff. Don't be afraid to call her on this if you think for a minute that she's manipulating you. I had a close friend in HS who had problems and she used to laugh behind her parents' backs because she knew she could get away with anything or get anything she wanted if she acted like she was relapsing. Not saying that this is what your daughter is doing or will do, just wanted you to be aware of it if her therapist hasn't mentioned it.

I think you and your hubby are gonna have to sit them down and make up a contract that you'll ALL sign with what is expected out of them, and you. If they want you to respect their privacy, then they must respect your home and your rules. They must behave as adults if they wish to be treated as such. It's worth a try, anyway! Maybe you could even offer them a small discount off their "rent" for every week that they comply with the contract, and a small penalty for breaking the rules. You and Dh must discuss this in private at first so that you can be in total agreement before you talk to them. Type up the contract and make four copies, one for each of you, and have everyone sign each one.



Oh, I am sending you the biggest hugs because I know that you are in such a hard spot with this:love: I wish there was something I could do to help you! I sure as heck wished there was someone that could've helped me when my kids were raking me over the coals:laugh:

With the additional background we have now, i totally agree with this! Since her health is at stake, you need to sit and talk with them. I know young people like their privacy even if they are not doing anything wrong. And the discount idea is great. But the penalty part even better. Like if you pay rent late, the landlord will charge you extra. Why not at home too? They have to learn that there are consequences for not getting things done in a timely matter.

and yes! You and DH have to be in total agreement and be a team! One of my pet peeves when parents aren't a team and the kid learns to work one of them to their advantage.

I feel so bad for the situation you are in. You are between a rock and a hard place. Would it be possible for you to make up a contract saying what is acceptable and what is unacceptable and everyone discuss it and agree to it and then everyone sign it. You could decide what the consequences would be if the contract is broken. Sending hugs and prayers to you.

I wanted to say a huge thank you for all of the advice and support. I know some of you are familiar with what we have been through and others arent. I cant begin to say how touched I am by your thoughful words and for taking the time out of your busy lives to help me with a problem. I am reading your posts with tears in my eyes, it means so much to me.

If I ever locked my mom out of any part of her house I can guarantee she would have changed the lock on me and my stuff would have been on the front porch. I am 27 and my mother still terrifies me.

If they feel you are a landlord of sort then they are only entitled to their bedroom, bathroom, and living room. They also must provide you with keys. If they lost belongings to water than their "renters insurance" should cover it. They are not entitled to usage of your phone or vacuum, etc. They obviously don't know how good they have it.

It is called " tough love" for a reason.

I have not read more than the first post yet.

Just read all the posts. It seems like a family meeting with you, DH, DD,and her BF is in order. That way you can all say what is and is not expected from on another. I would put the house rules in writing and everyone needs to abide by them. Specifically spell out what is expected. If he has said you are more a mom to him than his own mom he would be more respectful of you and your stuff than he is. They same goes for your daughter- She knows you probably blame yourself for her illness and is using this against you.

If her therapist thinks this living arrangement if best than maybe the family meeting should take place at their office :). Let them see what you are going through :)

I'll have to say that young man would have been out of my home on his rear end upon finding he had locked me out of any portion of it - even a closet! And daughter would have to like it - or not. But anyone living under my roof abides by my rules and mores or they simply are unwelcome. I cannot imagine even a person that young doesn't know any better than to treat you like that.

My sister and her husband tried something like this to help her daughter's BF and it turned out with hard feelings and pain and misery all around and they finally had to boot the young man, the two subsequently married and for a short while things were okay but, yes, it ended in divorce, with the young man leaving the daughter with over $50,000.00 in credit card charges he'd put on the credit card before he left her with cancer and two young children, no insurance! He used my sister and BIL's kindness to simply wipe his boots on, used their daughter and turned her against them, left her life in tatters and hurt everyone he touched.

I have yet to know a single person who dealt with anyone like this where it didn't end badly. Zebras develop their stripes pretty early and though from a distance may look like a regular horse, they are still Zebras - wild, unpredictable and rarely tamed.

Since he paid you rent, legally you are the landlord and he is the tenant. That means you have a right to have a key to their door, and must give notice before entering, and must evict him formally--you can't just boot him out, if you do and he calls the police you could be in serious legal trouble.

I'm 22 and have had friends go through this kind of "phase" before--the best thing you can do is act as though you support the relationship (if you ban her from seeing him he will suddenly seem like the most interesting, "forbidden" bad boy around, trust me!) and wait for the relationship to die on its own. And do whatever you have to to make sure she is on birth control! Make her get the shot or something else very effective and long-term. As long as she doesn't get pregnant this will go away on its own.:rolleyes:

Acting like you support a relationship with someone like he seems to be isn't going to win you any respect from her and certainly none from him. She'll just come to think you are their weak playthings and they will watch you spin to keep them home and happy.

Oh Tina...I'm soo sorry to read this! sigh, I know of some of the struggles you have gone through recently, sweetie it seems you cant catch a break.
Please call me. My heart is just breaking for you.
luv ya girl
Jacqui

Yup, she's 17, no way this relationship is lasting forever.

My sister's daughter's age was 17 when they moved that young man of hers under their roof. It lasted.

Agreed! The rent topic however is moote. We told them at the start that they were not paying rent that the money was to cover the additional utilities and consummables other than food. We made it very clear that we were offering him a place to live not a place to rent. In a landlord tenant relationship both parties benefit. I can tell you Im not benefiting lol. I am however cleaning much much more than I would be if they weren't here. So his whole I pay rent crap is just that crap. We made it very very clear at the beginning that we had no desire to benefit financially from the arrangement. We also said that if our costs didnt support the 200 that we would adjust it to only cover our additional costs. Sadly they take food from our fridge and other things not included so we have left it at the amount agreed upon.

We treated him as family not as a tenant. He sits down at my table and eats meals I prepare and pay for. He gets rides when needed as well as many other benefits that would never be extended to a tenant. We treated him very well and thats what has made this so very hurtful.

I would also suggest showing them the cost of living expenses from before he moved in to give him a better idea of what the money is being used for.

I totally agree! Also make it very clear to them that the money if for expenses not rent.

I read your last thread and wrote an entire peply to post, but than I deleted it. Who am I to give advise on something I know noting about. BUt now I feel I need to put my two cents worth in and hope that it will help in some small way.

I really hate to say this because you sound like a wonderful women and mother and I know how much trouble you are having with your kids recently. That being said...I think that by you allowing them , your minor child and her boyfriend to live together and have their own living room, bedroom and bathroom separate from the family that you have to take a great deal of the responsible for the problems that you are having right now. You sort of created the problem and now are overwhelmed and feelling disrespected. And you should be !! Its a lot for a mother to handle, wondering if you've done the right thing.

Locks on the doors, are you kidding me! That is just ridiculous. I'd take them damn locks off the door the first chance you get as shove them where the moon don't shine. A simple knock before you enter their rooms should be good enough. It's YOUR home NOT theirs!

Your daughter nor you should ever allow anyone disrespect you or your husband in your own home. And if shes doing the disrespect than maybe a BIG dose of reality would help her reconsider how she and her fb choose to treat you and your DH.

Maybe they both need some good ol' home schooling, on respect and how to treat an adult. Along with some responsibly and not allow yourself to be walks all over by either of them. They could benefit from a dose of reality and possible some tuff love. Someone needs to put them both in their place before things get too out of hand.

I think that he needs to be in his own bedroom. He is a guest in your home and as such should respect your home and your daughter while living there. I agree that they should have access to the other living area but not behind close doors. You should have access to all of the room in your home and they should be expected to gather in either of the living quarters as any extended family would.

I would take the door off the hinges of the separate living area.
Than I would take the locks off of the other bedroom door. If they dont like it than that door would go too.

That would defiantly solve the lock on the door problem. There is absolutely no reason why they need their own living quarters. It like they are putting up Boarders in your home. Keeping separate from the rest of the family just seems wrong. It seems a bit controlling to me! which is never a good situation and should be put to a Stop asap..

Did I miss the part where he had a job? If not, Give him a time limit to get a job and if not he would have to got out. I think he may be using your daughter as a crutch of sorts. Because he knows that if he goes so will she. And due to her condition you would never put her out. He probably feel like he don't have to work and why should he when he has someone else who will pay his way.

I would also try to have schedule dinner time where the whole family, fb and all sit at the table and have a nice family meal together. It may help him feel more accepted and wanted. You should not stop acting and doing family like things just because someone come into the family disrupts everything and doesn't want to follow the rules. Family comes first and formost ...

Plus its Your home , your Rules ! And if he want to continue living in your home he and she both must follow those rules.

This exactly.

Not without a signed lease contract. It will be their word agia st his and the daughters. She says he's paying for extra utilities and incidentals.
Regardless, it's her house and her rules, even if he were "renting" there are rules.

I can't paint my apartment without written permission from my landlord. I also can't change my locks without notifying them and giving them a copy of the key. I also have a signed lease agreement.


OP: seems to me a meeting is in order. Lay down the rules and if they don't like them they can leave. I know you don't want that for your daughter, however you can't allow her and her boyfriend to walk all over you.

Unfortunately in these situations the daughter usually always sides with the young man who has her ear and the strong mother figure is demonized behind her back, all the more as she desperately tries to deal with impossible situations by giving in to more and more demands, spoken or implied. The more the mom and dad try to placate the kids in order to keep their daughter from ruining her life, the less they tend to be respected and the young couple begins to play them in very sophisticated ways until all respect is gone. Once a daughter begins to lose respect for her parents, even her feelings of love are often pushed into the background as she senses she is in control. It's a no-win situation once the kids are in the driver's seat.

Steadily rebuilding your respect and control of your home with these two will gain you far more than accommodating them any more than you have. I would set my rules matter of factly and stand by them if they were going to continue living in my home. Keep your composure and remember who has ultimate control.

Kids of all ages respect and love parents who set and keep boundaries along the lines of fairness and decency. You may have learn how to accept your daughter's choices should she stay under this young man's influence but you do not have to lose further respect and her love, too. If they decide to leave, make it clear that the choice is hers to make and she is the one that will have to live with it and you will love her no matter what. If she does leave and things go south with him, she will return to parents she loves and respects, a bruised but wiser young woman. If you have lost her respect and a great deal of her love by being too weak, she may just keep going.