I figured it out
 

It's taken me more than 2 years and quite a few trials and tribulations, but I do believe I've finally discovered why men are fully equipped with the "Y" chromosome and we women were blessed with the "X".

My dh... an attractive man is his mid 40's; he's interesting, entertaining, affectionate and loving. He's a strong businessman with wit, unrivaled talent and endless creativity. There are so many things I simply adore about him and so many reasons he enhances and complements my life. He's like a diamond. What you see depends on what facet you're gazing through. I said compliments but I have to confess, he also complicates it occasionally. Don't they all?

He is, (deep breath) seemingly (another deep breath) going through what I'm guessing to be a mid life crisis of some sort. Normally, I'm supportive of his ideas and relatively understanding of his antics. Now I'm not saying I can relate... more often than not something he says or does leaves me scratching my head in wonder.

But I digress...

Yesterday was certainly no exception to the norm. In fact, it was relatively typical of what I've come to expect and/or accept. Dh is just that... Dh. He's a unique specimen all his own that no one can quite define. He has his interests. I have mine. In some ways our lives go in separate directions, but together, we occasionally make sense. I have to stress, occasionally.

I have a contract, that I confess, has consumed me and taken over my happy little world. He wanted to go camping this weekend. Camping? We don't own an RV or anything of the sort! He almost had me convinced to go. This just before he informed me of the wildlife here in Utah. You know, mountain lions, bears, wolves. Yep! That's enticing! Sign me up, bud! I'm just dying to spend my weekend fighting for my life. I think I'll pass, get these sketches done, work on this bid and try to make some progress with this contract. "You have fun with all that!" I said.

And that I did... I worked all weekend. Moving from one thing to another, I was in my element and on a roll. Dh decides to go play with the younger kids from the dropzone. Most of which are in their early to mid 20's. I don't question it. Whatever makes him happy.

Now 20 year olds notoriously spend most of their time trying to 1 up each other. A concept that I never pretended to understand, let alone can relate to. When he said that's where he was going, I should have known something dramatic was going to transpire. This is what I get for being absorbed in my work!

He comes home late last night and takes seat on the couch across from me. I could tell right off something wasn't right. Call it my "womanly instincts" if you will, but I detected something was just.... well... "off" with him.

Now I'm a mother of a 21 year old. As a result, time has equipped me with enough wisdom that allowed me to sharpen my premium interrogating skills. I can stealthily make an inquiry in a way that the victim can't detect what I'm getting at and therefore, offer up the intelligence that I'm seeking.

So I begin...
Seemingly engaged in my computer, from the outside appearances, one would guess I'm not paying too close attention. But I assure you, I was.

"So how was your day hun?" I politely asked. He looked down with a somewhat guarded look. Like a child that stole the last cookie and is trying to hide it. "Ok." he said solemnly. "Hmmm." I said. "What did you do today?" I asked inquisitively. He looks up at the ceiling rather quickly and then back down to the floor. With his hand over his mouth as if he were thinking of an answer, he replies with "Just hung out with family." My suspicion reached defcon 3. I knew something was up. My dh isn't known for short answers. I can't recall a time he's ever walked into this house and didn't have a whole lot to say. Often times, I'd have to pretend I was paying attention because he was so long winded.

I continue....

"How's the family doing today?" I ask, knowing his brother is in town from Indiana for the first time in a year.
"Fine." he says, pointedly.
"Oh! hmm... How's your brother doing?" I press.
"He's fine." He responds again.

We're at defcon 4 now. I pull out the big guns and try to get him onto something I know he'll rant about.

"Isn't his satanic wife supposed to be coming into town?"
"Yep." He responds shortly.

We're now at defcon 5. He's hiding something. I just know it. I can feel it, smell it and even taste it. Something transpired that for some reason he doesn't want to divulge. I sit straight up. No more pretending I'm not paying attention. My eyes are as round as saucers and my little spidey senses are tingling so hard I nearly vibrated off my chair.

With eyes fixated directly on him I ask, "When is she slated to arrive?"

He squirms frantically knowing that 110% of my attention is hovering above him. There's no way out. No place to hide. Finally, after a long pause, he looks at me and says "Thursday."

That's when I saw it! I wasn't 100% sure, but I was close. Probably 90% convinced that I actually saw what I thought I saw. Now to get him to confess. I needed that confession like a child needs chocolate. Not for any other reason than confirmation that my ultimate suspicions were, in fact, spot on.

I sit back down and go back to my seemingly "Not paying attention" routine. Eyes back on my computer screen, I mumble "So what did you REALLY do today, Chris?"

"What do you mean?" He's trying to brush the question off and get me to stop probing.

I continue staring at my screen as to not make him even more uncomfortable. "I mean, what dramatic thing happened today that I should know about?"

"I'm not sure what you're talking about." He says (The ultimate avoidance/denial approach)

Finally I'd had enough. I knew what I knew and I wasn't going to waste any more time. I needed the story...the finality of the situation....the climax if you will. There's no way I was going to get to the bottom of this at this pace. So I calmly responded with "Let me ask this question from a different angle. What happened to your teeth, Chris?"

The silence felt eternal, but at that point I realized that admitting to your wife that you've made some rather poor decisions can't be an easy undertaking. I backed off and gave him the room to muster up the courage. Eventually, he came clean with the tale of how, despite the fact that he didn't feel confident, he and several of his 20-something friends drove up to Echo Canyons and decided to jump off a 25ft cliff, into the water. he's not sure exactly what he hit, but he now understands he's lucky to be alive, albeit, without his front teeth. Now I know this can't be good for the ego, so I've opted not to remind him that this is going to cost upwards of $5K to fix. I figure I'll save that for the dentist to convey.

So to explain the thread title....

I figured it out. God created man, and then later created woman. Initially, the chromosomes weren't permanently labeled. Perhaps early scientists opted to wait, much i the way we wait until a puppy reveals it's personality before selecting a name. Women tend to cross out most events that appear dangerous, life threatening or just plain idiotic. When communicating with the men in their lives, the conversation more often than not starts with the word "Why", and is usually included in phrases such as:
"Why did you DO that?"
"Why did you SAY that?"
"Why did you think THAT was a good idea?"

And thus, the "Y" chromosome was named appropriately.

Oh my goodness! Poor DH must be in some kind of pain! Hope he's feeling better soon... As for your story, ROTFLMBO! Tears in my eyes... sorry gotta go potty...Hahahahaha!

Enjoyed your story and your writing skills.:)

Love how you write and all I can say is... Oh my!

poor man

Oddly enough, the only thing really hurting is his ego. Fair enough, that's to be expected. I'm sure his teeth are sensitive, but getting him to admit it is another story. I keep getting this manly "Didn't hurt at all" response. I'm not buying it.

I'd taken the entire weekend, going out of my way to compliment him on other things and shine a light on his abilities to soothe his confidence and self esteem. I think it's helping him get through this. Admittedly, I don't know how I'd react to the same traumatic experience. I'd probably curl up in the fetal position and refuse to get out of bed. Though, I have enough common sense not to engage in the same voracious activities that could potentially cost me life and limb. You know... the X chromosome that tends to cross out dangerous activities.

At some point, he'll see the dentist today and we'll know the extent of damage and his options. Unfortunately, it's not going to be an instantaneous fix. I'm hoping the damage is minimal and we're just looking at implants.

I am slightly moved by the poignant fact that I've reached the age where nothing surprises me anymore. My reaction to the whole event was more of a calm "Oh! Ok." 10 years ago I wouldn't have taken it in stride like I do now. Instead, I could easily picture me making a big deal out of the expense of it all, thus, making him feel even worse. With age comes wisdom, I suppose.

I'm rather convinced that middle age evokes some sort of regression in men. Their inner man pressures them to prove themselves in deeds and tasks their bodies just aren't capable of handling anymore. It's a sense of denial that leaves the rest of us scratching our heads, biting our lip, and hoping for the best possible outcome. We can't stop them from doing something they really want to do. With my dh, it was sudden. Almost as though someone had left a wild animal out of it's cage and it's now on a uncontrollable rampage. I fully understand the mental crisis. I, myself, have gone through one as well. But instead of jumping off of cliffs and engaging in activities that could potentially cost me my life, I bought a Porsche, a new wardrobe and a package deal with a plastic surgeon to rebuild what life tore down.

I'm still shaking my head.

:D I know EXACTLY where you're coming from....:D

When Andy gets like that - he either throws himself out of a plane, or bounces around a bit at the end of a long rubber band thing....silly boys! Sally x

I so enjoy the way you tell a story! I hope all goes well with the dentist. I like your approach...go out and get a Porsche! lol!:D

Wow poor dh. Hope they can fix the teeth and all will be well. I love the way you tell your stories. You have a knack for it. And look forward to the next one. I to can relate :)

First off let me say you're writing abilities are OUTSTANDING! You should write a book!! As I was reading your story, I felt the need to want to skip to the end just to see what he was hiding!! BUT....your writing was so good , I didnt want to miss a word!! Honestly, when I found out it was just his teeth, I was relieved....I thought he had been cheating!! Phew!! (Yes, my mind goes straight to the worse case scenario!!) Teeth can be fixed, hopefully his ego can too. Thankfully he's safe and alive!!

I look forward to reading more "husband antics" from you :D

Great Story and you tell/write it well:-)

Personally I have a rather muted "X" gene. I've been known to engage in some rather dangerous activities as a girl and young woman. Now of course my X is no longer muted and is full force.

I hope hubby doesn't need implants - think roughly $3K per implant ......

Have a fun day.

oh my... as a mother of twentysomething girls and a teacher of middle school ..oh.. and a dh that drives me nuts sometimes.. I totally enjoyed your story!!


I just hope your dh is ok.. that could have been very scary!! Why did he find the need to act like a 20 year old???:confused:

hahaha oohhh poor dh!

I do love how you tell stories too! :) you should have a blog or something! I look forward to reading your posts! Esp ones like this that I can relate too. Luckily for me, my husband is very content with both feet on the ground! LOL

Oh yeah... you could definitely have a great blog! Love reading your stories. As for your DH, just gotta shake my head. They (most of them) will always be little boys. Hope the dentist goes well.

LOL. Agree. :)

Oh how I love your stories, they always have me in stiches!! Hope hubby is ok, and sorry I have to ask....What possessed him to act like a 20 yr old?? :confused::confused::confused: BTW what ever happened with the swamp thingy?? did i miss the end of that story?:confused:

I too loved your story and your outstanding writing! I'm still chuckling about it now!

Dear goodness this is a great post! I had my doubts with your first "confusing" threads and posts on here but now....you just crack me up!!! You have got to be a writer!!! If not you should be!!!

And camping? seriously, tent and all? Hell the Holiday Inn is roughing it for me at this point!!!

Great story...but honesty, I don't think he'll get the full effect of the detriment to your bank account is unless you make him go a few weeks toothless for the whole world to see...gosh, I really think some pics are in order for the family photo album!!!

*sigh*

$7000. I feel like someone just left all the wind out of my sails and now I'm just free floating. Obviously, this means that my little wings are going to be clipped for quite a while.

Between the swamp cooler kicking the bucket, an emergency trip back home to Australia and now his insanely priced smile, my recreational funds are looking rather exiguous. What vacation you say? I think I'm going to ask the dentist if he can paint an ocean scene on his grill so every time he smiles, I can see the beach in Grand Cayman that we're supposed to be laying on next month. I suppose it could be worse.

Apparently he didn't just knock out the front 2. That would have been too easy. Nope. No. He had to take life right to the edge of extreme and shattered the root of the tooth next to them. The potential for infection is just too great, so it, too, will have to be replaced with a shiny new implant.

He calls me to deliver the news. I was already well prepared for it, so once again, I wasn't surprised. In fact, I'm rather amused at how one blatant act of stupidity could render such a financial travesty. Again, I'm trying not to make a big deal out of it. I figure it's bad enough that this process is going to take 3 months from start to finish. It should serve as a gentle reminder that it might just possibly be time to chill out.

To answer the question of why he feels he needs to compete with 20 year olds? I can't even begin to entertain an answer. Taunting death is one thing. Courting it is another. I'm convinced it's a guy thing. Guy things are something that's not easily understood by the X chromosome. However, I think every time he plans a random act of stupidity, I'm going to deflate his tires, pick up the keys to my car and be gone for the day shopping.

I'm content with my age. I, myself, just celebrated the 11th anniversary of my 30th birthday. I really don't know what the big deal is.

Msyork,

The swamp thing is still an ongoing saga. Hopefully we'll have resolution this Wednesday or Thursday with the installation of a new unit. The contractor's secretary called me Friday to tell me they'd be calling me. I admit, without air conditioning of any sort, I've been a bit snarky lately. So I'm on the phone with her confirming the idea that she's essentially calling me to tell me she'll be calling me. The answer was yes. "And that's your whole job?" I asked. "Yes" was the response from the apparently young voice. "Hmm... I think I'm in the wrong business. So you're saying you get to sit in a climate controlled room, call people to say you'll be calling and get a paycheck?" "Yes." She replied with a laugh. "I guess that really is what I do."

In the meantime, we've been battling through 100 degree temps in a house that can't be cooled. It was 89 degrees inside last night. Such a situation spawned probably the most epic family feud over who gets to sleep with the fan. After listening to the various reasons and excuses, it all boiled down to, I pay the mortgage. It's mine. Realizing that battling with me was much the same as poking a lion with a stick, they recanted their request and all piled up in the basement guest room where life was a little more bearable.

Lynzy,

Not a writer by any means. Just an average girl with a slightly different view on life. I'm an interior designer. Nothing glamorous, but certainly is diverse. My eyes are failing and I've considered lasik, but at this point, I'm fairly convinced I've seen it all and even find myself wishing there were things I could 'unsee'. I learned a long time ago that getting upset over things that are simply out of your control are a waste of energy that's best invested in those that you can change. Happiness is a journey. It's not a destination. By approaching chaos calmly, often times you can find the raw humor in it. I tend to focus on that. There are 3 men in my life, who, are apparently, close in mentality. 2 sons that are 7 and 8 and then there's dh. If I didn't laugh, I'd cry a lot. Tears are heartbreaking. Anger is exhausting. But laughter frees your spirit.

Sleeping in a tent is one thing. Sleeping in a tent as wild, hungry animals encircle your fortress is another. To me, roughing it is when I lose signal with AT&T and can't look up something on the web while standing in the mall!

Which brings forth the endless question of "how on earth did we get along without our creature comforts technology has given us?"

LMAO!!! I'm sooo sorry I shouldn't be laughing, but lord this is funny! I'm glad he will survive his brush with death.
I have two boys one 21 the other 23, they have never done anything so assinine! (yet) Mind you us black folk are a bit more cautious....as far as i know we dont jump off cliffs, or out of planes, or off bridges with an elastic tied around our ankles. I asked my oldest if he would jump off a cliff just to follow fashion....his answer.....:eek:!!! 'Do I look insane to you?!' I think your hubby just took leave of his sense...hopefully he now has full use of his facilities.
Sorry bout your vacation hun!! I would have the beach embedded on his grill, as a reminder....seriously I would!

Oh, my goodness! They certainly do regress!:D

You've broken the code
 

As a 62 year old good ole boy, I have to say you've penetrated the guy code.
I enjoyed your writing, and feel for your dh. I must admit as a testosterone carrier, I'm glad your not an attorney on cross exam.

Great story, keep em coming, even if they're too close to home for me.
Glad my wife doesn't visit this site.

And in the end, men end up at our mercy. lol Love your writing. Great story.

By definition, torture is the infliction of mental anguish or physical pain. You'd think the inclination to severely mame oneself would be limited by past experiences and eventually, even synthetic common sense would prevail. I don't think this applies to middle aged men, much in the way you wouldn't expect a toddler to recognize danger. For my DH, I'm pretty convinced if you tell him the stove is hot, he's still going to touch it.

We've had 2 visits with the dentist and 1 with the oral surgeon now. He spent the better part of the last 2 weeks completely baked on pain killers from the implant surgery. I was mildly entertained at some of the conversations we had and I've found myself struggling to resist the urge to wonder at some of the things that go through his head. I think I'm going to go with my initial instincts and not try to make sense of any of them. To me, it seems like an endless task with no finality. Of course, that surgery just entailed the posts. It'll be upwards of 3 months before permanent crowns can be placed, so I can continue to rib him about the incident a while longer.

Now I believe I mentioned that Chris is a rather amusing and entertaining guy. It's probably the core reason we've been together so long. One couldn't make up the number of stories I have to tell as a result of his questionable decisions. Incidentally, he's also an easy target when it comes to personal amusement. He doesn't always "get it" immediately and the moments between the time you crack a joke and he catches on are usually pretty entertaining.

I was able to be with him until he was completely under anesthesia. Now I'm not sure what exactly they use to induce a person, but I'm awfully thankful it's not readily available on the black market. All I do know is it's 3 drugs and lights out.

So, there he was, laying on the table chatting inquisitively with the anesthesiologist about the procedure and what it entails, asking if he's ever lost a patient, etc. You could clearly tell he was quite nervous about the event. In an attempt to calm him, the anesthesiologist diverted his attention to work, asking him what he does for a living, as he was inserting the IV into his arm. Now this is a topic Chris is in love with. If it weren't for the drugs, he'd probably still be there talking about his business. He babbles endlessly about landscaping, water features, how he's been in business 20 years and so on. 1st injection of the 3 loaded up and for some reason that I can't quite articulate, he looks at the anesthesiologist with the purest, most innocent and yet serious expression and asks "What do you do?"

Now one would think, given the circumstances the 2 met under, the answer to that question should be obviously. Remember how I said he doesn't always get it? Oh yeah... that. However, to spare my husbands dignity, I'm going to assume stress has a profound effect on the brain. Toss in some pharmaceuticals with that, and you have yourself a full blown idiot. The anesthesiologist, apparently, has the same sense of humor I do and responds with "I sell life insurance," as he was administering the first injection. Chris, completely misses the dig (must have been the drugs) and comments on how that's a really stable career choice.

Him waking up from anesthesia was perhaps one of the more challenging moments in our marriage and made me realize he's totally a guy in every aspect. In some ways, I take comfort in that knowledge. For me, it means more stories to tell later. Coming out was much like dealing with tourettes without prior warning. Honestly, I wasn't prepared to bargain with a 2 year old again. Since my boys are now 7 and 8, I'm a little out of practice. It took about 2.5 minutes to realize he was stoned. I'm not talking just a little high. We're talking lobotomy stage here. Despite the fact that 2 nurses, the doctor and myself all informed him he's in no position drive, we stood there for at least 20 minutes trying to convince him the passenger seat of the car was the best place for him. It was only after we promised to move the steering wheel to that side of the car that he agreed to get in, and then another 10 minutes of watching him struggle with the seat belt. No matter what we did, his inner guy refused to accept help and ended with him fighting us all off as though we were a pack of wild dogs after a free meal. Instead, he fumbled, fondled and eventually studied the mechanism until he somehow managed to get it to click in. Once buckled, he turned to look at everyone with an extreme sense of pride on his face. Good job, hun! I knew you could do it.

We start the drive home and he's severely overwhelmed. Basic, normal things to me were completely alien to him. According to him he could See emotions and taste colors. Oh boy.. here we go. He went from this :) to :D to this :bananna: and then eventually this :eek: in the space of an hour. Essentially, s**t got real.

"Where did all these people come from? Don't they have jobs?" I wasn't quite sure what he was talking about. Traffic is no worse than usual and we were moving along at a rather steady pace. I try to keep him distracted when I realized he's now seeing triple. This ought to be fun! Because of the number of cars on the road (to him) he decides to challenge my driving skills. THIS, has to be, the most annoying thing guys do and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. I've never had an accident or even a traffic ticket. He, who has stacked up enough cars to fill a car park is telling me "you're doing it wrong."

Then he realizes we didn't move the steering wheel. Now he's mad. At one point he threatens to pull the car over. Ok babe.... you do that... from the passenger seat. I'd actually pay good money to see that accomplished.

We're almost home. I'm trying desperately to hold my composure. Some of the things he was saying nearly had me in tears from laughter. Now driving a car and laughing hysterically to the point you can't see aren't good compounds to mix. The final straw is where he looked at me said "I feel like I should be sitting in a tent with a bunch of Indians."

Confused, I respond with "What do you mean?"

He hesitates for a moment. His eyes grew intensely serious as he said "Gina. I'm about to meet my spirit animal."

I howled! In fact, I laughed so hard I nearly damaged 60% of my internal organs. Tears streamed out of my eyes and the people in the car next to me were looking at me as though I'd stepped out without my clothes on. Knowing this was a rare opportunity for me and no matter what I said, I'd likely be forgiven. I asked "So... is it a guinea pig?"

What a wild ride.

OMG!!!!!!! Gina, as always, you kill me! Fiance is looking at me like I just grew two heads!!! My sides are about to split!
Seriously you should write a book.
I have to go back and read this again....dear Lord too funny!
Even the dogs are looking at me then back at each other as if to say "yup...she's lost it, now what do we do?"
Thanks for the laugh, I needed that.
Whooo ok ok...nope still laughing!

Good grief! What in the world did that oral surgeon's anesthesiologist give your DH? I have never heard of that kind of reaction in an adult. I believe I would have driven the man to an E. R. to have him checked out.

Gina, as soon as I see a thread of yours I HAVE to read it! You are just too funny and I laughed so much! You are the best story teller ever! I hope your DH is doing better!

I agree! And lady, you should start sending in those articles you've written for us to a magazine. I promise you, you will get published!

OMG... I'm at work reading this with the biggest grin on my face and tears in my eyes. I desperately want to laugh out loud! This is hilarious! I LOVE your posts and writing!